yogen | ☆ now's your chance to be a ☆

"such a bold claim, but i guess they wouldn't mind.
i've seen more than enough of their reactions to gauge how easily they'd hand [their heart] over."
this
what do u know
i mean i know they love me bc they said so (i said it first tho) but like
their heart?
thats different!!!!!

[the biggest "i think this person likes you" "?! what did they say???" energy]

i understand their heart, and their true nature.
they're open like a book, but that's such a wordy conversation, and my fingers are tired.

you can use your imagination, i'm sure!

whats ur loc

ceiling

mine or urs
wait
or the schools

energy low
sch

[oh my god hes gonna book it to school he just doesn't know what "ceiling" komaedas in please god hes gonna be starin up the whole time hes walkin around replying]

( above the art room is a tile that's pushed to the side, and there's a small blue tail sticking out until he hears subaru's footsteps, and it slips back into the hole... leaving. )

[..........................

okay he actually has not gone into one of these like ever in his life

but he gets it sort of. up we go!!! chasing the Cheshire cat]

( it lights up in the dark so he can literally follow where komaeda is going, which, he can hear subaru make his way up and... )

Meow...

[...!]

Meow~.

[he's coming after..!!!!]

You have to work a little harder on your impression, you would have scared away Lily May...

( that said, he's going to lay down so he can look towards subaru who is coming over. )

Why are you here?

Edited 2021-10-01 20:07 (UTC)

I wasn't looking for Cygnus, I was looking for you.

[all these different names. the ouija board will come in handy. subaru is coming closer, he'll lay down too.]

... I wanna know why you're so sure about Boss. Like, you know, did they say something to you?

Of course, they tell me everything that their heart desires.

( because they're mostly honest to komaeda, the reason why they're more lively with yelling than being cute all the time to impress others. he's not going to mention that though. instead, his tail wags as he looks at subaru, a hand over his mouth to yawn as they lay up in the dust and cramped place. )

You'd easily become a topic.

[h]

Yeah...?

[ooh... he wants to be distracted by the tail but that would be putting his face in komaeda's view hole and he's very much going to lay his cheek against the maybe cooler crawlspace... stuff. oooh.

... ... ...

okay yeah no he doesn't know how to react to that he's gonna turn away from komaeda. his neck feels warm.]

You first, why do you care so much? Aren't you affection starved, that's what you said a long time ago.

( time to turn it around and get some information. )

[ughhhhhhhhhhhh HE CAN TALK TO THE ?WALL?]

Yeah, I mean, I was so used to having people I could hug and stuff... and I don't really here. So I got antsy 'cause of that, to the point that I'd even take a push for contact.

[he has no issue admitting to it. he's done it before.]

But like... I dunno. [he does.] I'm just curious. [it's not just curiosity.] 'Cause, uh.

[.................................]

'Cause.

[yeah.]

....Cause?

( not that he's disappointed, but he feels like subaru should finish his words. )

If you have such difficulty speaking, then you can't converse with them the way I do. Being hesitant in your words mean you're unsure of everything you're going to say to me...

[mm.............

it's difficult... this was a shitposty post and now it's difficult... subaru hunches away more, making a whining sort of noise as he tries to figure out what to say--]

'Cause I really like them. [a little mumble.] But like, it's hard 'cause even if I know it's not the same sort of thing I've gotta worry about back at Yumenosaki, there's still a part of me that's like...

[...]

Nervous?

[maybe.]

I've had a crush on someone like, once, so I know what it feels like and stuff, but it was easier to kinda sorta put it aside. I still love that person a lot, but it's easier between us.

[because they have a firm line in their relationship that's been drawn in the sand through various little ways and subaru would never dare to intrude on that, for all that he intrudes on otherwise.]

'Course I wanna know what they say about me and stuff.

Why are you nervous to like someone?

( as if this is unknown to komaeda who is practically in love with every ultimate around him, so to see that a normal, basic human being can't even handle the concept properly towards someone is... yeah, he should have expected this. )

If you love someone... then you should do everything for them, and you shouldn't be worried. Can you live with a romance that's unrequited? ...To hold them in your embrace late at night, to never let them go as the stars above watch your every move, the moon draping you in it's light so you know the world only revolves around you two? To be in such a close proximity that you can feel their hope merge with yours, creating a burning passion inside your chest that it feels like you can't breathe no matter how much you inhale their scent ... such an overwhelming experience.

( he pauses, lifting his hand to wave so that subaru can ignore what was said. )

To love is like a dance, you fall in the rhythm, in their steps, and you pass out exhilarated.

[they're all very pretty words, though, and subaru sort of likes them. the imagery of them, the sound and feel of them, he wonders if his mom and dad felt like this about each other. they had to have, right? to have fallen in love, to have danced, to have felt the same rhythm and been exhilarated by it.........

well, that sort of heavy love is a little beyond his years right now for all he throws the word around, but he knows his heart and it yearning to close their distance in more ways than one is concerning.]

... Idols don't really get the chance at that sort of stuff, y'know. [not that komaeda would get it.] It's changing, I think, 'cause Hokke~'s dad has no issue talking about Hokke~'s mom and all, but we still have to be pretty careful about relationships and such.

[subaru can't talk about his own family, though. he can only put it in the framing of someone else's family, and the accepted norms of generations.]

So it's tough to like, get really used to the thought that maybe? I could actually explore it a little more? I wanna spend as much time with them as I can, and I wanna dance with them under the stars and sing with them and maybe do crafts and stuff like that, whatever they wanna do I'd be fine with it too-- but it's hard at the same time.

[... because, as natsume slipped once, subaru has a hard time letting people get too close to him even now. a star who dims his shine when a hand reaches out so thoughtlessly, a sun that hides behind the clouds when he feels himself starting to lavish a part of the earth with too much heat.]

I like how you talk about it, though. You'd be a hell of a lyricist.

Dancing under the stars, singing for them, and things of that aspect means nothing.

( he says this confidently, holds experience from the sentiment, and yet his heart... his own heart remembers being under the moonlight, he recalls the dance that he shared with that person — black hair, only absolute reason behind those eyes, in that moment it was only him and komaeda. yes, that was the day he fell in love, that was the day he was overwhelmed by such an intense amount of hope that he couldn't breath, it was intoxicating — that was the first time he ever felt the emotion towards a person. )

To know that someone has your heart... when you look at that person, and understand you were born for the sake of meeting them, to connect with them on a level that no one understands.

( he sighs, looking at subaru almost like he's bored of these lackluster connections. actions are nothing, but to be stitched together at the seams, to know one can't live without the other, that's when two people know. it's a feeling that komaeda knows well, one that he's involved himself in once, and so he feels as if he knows it better than anyone. )

To give up yourself to protect them, to see them become the strongest light of hope there is... that sort of feeling is love, and no other will compare, to see them shine above anyone else.

( he thinks about his insistencies with hinata, wanting him to be more than what he was, having been drawn to him because of their similarities — wanting his hope to shine brighter than anyone else around him, and to ensure that komaeda would allow the poison to consume his thoughts, his heart, to soak the despair to keep that hope pristine. )

To understand them, to value that hope that they harbor... your crush, your affection is towards all the wrong parts... with what's sleeping inside of them is what you should love. The body means nothing compared to what's inside... Give up on them if you're unable to see that.

[slowly, as komaeda talks, subaru turns better to see him. he likes to watch people as they talk, too, to see how they move and look with their words. komaeda has a particular way with words when he talks about things especially, be in hope or love, and though his memories are hazy from their talk beneath the tree he can remember the way the other looked, the way he spoke, and the halfway point subaru brushed against in understanding.

principles and ideals, but not in methods and word choice.

but love is a little different than that; love is a personal thing, and give yourself up to protect them is like rubbing salt on a wound someone had meticulously cleaned not a month before (you aren't a lost star searching desperately for a constellation to fit in anymore, subaru akehoshi-kun. stop acting like it rings like bells in his ears, the cadence gone and oh-so-clear) and he puffs his cheeks, eyes defiant as he shakes his head.]

You don't give anything up for people you love, Maddy. You're supposed to share yourself. You feel what they feel, and they feel what you feel. If you idealize them too much, you'll only feel disappointed when they don't match up to what you wanna see -- or worse, you'll keep trying to justify what they are until you're just a shell.

[he's very resolute on that, and he reaches out to grab the other's arm. the organic one, he makes sure of it, because he wants komaeda to feel his warm and know he's there -- not as a concept, not as a figure, but as a person.]

You're right that it's what inside that matters most, but not the way you think. I don't like 'em so much because they're cute, but because they make me feel like I'm burning hotter than the stars themselves. It's kinda scary. I have so much energy around them I can't stop moving, but the moment they hold my hand or hug me everything quiets down. [it's awful. but it's nice.] I want them to feel the same way. They say that I remind them of home, and I like that. I wanna keep being home for them, but I don't want to lose myself doing it.

[...]

Not when the whole reason they like me is because I'm me.

This isn't about you.

( he smirks, but he pays attention to the words spoken to him — how subaru makes love more engaging, but he stays on touch, the sense of the body when things like that don't matter. in the end, the body changes, but it's all about what's inside that stands out to him: talent, hope, such things that make komaeda's heart soar. it's why he's able to snip subaru out of the equation, it's because of his final words that komaeda closes his eyes.

the person that subaru sees isn't truly the shopkeeper at their core, they cater to those who speak to them, and because of that... subaru has to work harder. give himself more so that they give more of themselves back, so that the mask that they wear cracks, and the idol can see who they truly are. he's still young, so komaeda shouldn't expect anything from the other. )

Nothing calms down, because your senses are always heightened when you're with the person of your affections. ...To limit yourself, where's the never-ending storm that always rages for them, the reason for your existence.

( that person that makes you whole, makes you the reason for living — the one that causes your heart to beat constantly, rapidly, and to the point it wants to break free from your chest. it's a feeling komaeda has when he engages with ultimates, a pure, and wholesome love, unrequited — yet to be loved back, to be cared for... unfamiliar, yet it's scary when exposed. )

Idealization is such a nasty word, the love I speak of is more... pure, it isn't selfish, those sorts of wants are what ruins happiness, how despair sinks into it, and causes too much expectation. You should know that the other is worth more than anyone else, that even yourself can't compare... ( he thinks of the shopkeeper, and then he thinks of rokkun after, and part of him wonders if he can even speak this way — would they hate him for testing the hope one has for another? it's like a social experiment that he finds himself in, and he huffs so that the piece of hair that tickles his nose moves slightly. he'll talk to them about it later, but maybe the former before the latter — considering how things have played out. )

What do you make them feel? I'm tired of such... a selfish view of how they make you.

[komaeda's age shows itself best now, i guess, because it's definitely different than subaru's immediate flare of anger and how he tenses, the way he has to settle himself back down to let the other talk instead, pride stung with the words the other uses.

maybe he is the issue in it. maybe he is still distancing himself slightly, natsume's slip ringing hurtfully in his heart. but subaru also doesn't want to feel that way, wants to deny it, because he's trying to be better and especially someplace he doesn't have to be careful he doesn't want to be. it feels the same as losing himself, the way komaeda talks about, and he doesn't want to do that -- not again, never again.

maybe he's afraid.]

... Like home, they said. So I guess safe and warm.

[but the fire is less there, it's more of a wronged teen who's put off of talking.]

They say that I'm a star that shines away their darkness, and that it's enough to be held by me. [something that still brings warmth his heart and face, his dour expression tugged away by a smile.] That they look forward to seeing me every day, that they'd be able to stand the darkness as long I was there with them, and... I don't know everything about them, Maddy, but I want to. Is that wrong?

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