[It only hits like a freight train when she says it, like going through the surface of an iced lake. She hasn't just been digging for details, desperate to prove him wrong, that he wasn't what she thought he was.
She was wanting him to prove her wrong.
Like he once spent so long doing.
She's crying. Anyone can cry.]
Helena...
[There's a crack in it. It does worse than sting, that last sentence, acid in the opening left by the idea he'd kill, and like that, because he was told to. Because... he really had, hadn't he? Not now, but back then. He can't help but flinch... getting out of the water, that's a good idea. He'll... he'll let her go first.]
You... already knew I'd killed before...
[Inside, he's in deadlock, two voices screaming at each other what are you doing. As a result it's neither, less than either, a feeble sentence that's half 'so please work this out' and half 'so believe this lie is true' and unable to resolve the contradiction.]
[the phrase is broken, agonized, flung out at him.]
To live, not just....just for killing's sake!
[that was a reason, and one she could forgive, knowing how desperately the self wants to not die. killing to live, because it was you or them. but killing just because you were told they'd die either way? when she knows there might have been another option - those silent bodies hidden in the dorms - it's wrong, it's wrong, and she can't even pull herself out of the water. too miserable to, just holding on so that she doesn't sink down into the abyss.
normally, when talking to someone, Helena turns her head towards them, lets sighted people feel more comfortable that way. but right now, she stays where she is. he can listen just fine like this. he can hear how hard she's trying to cry quietly, and what slips through regardless.
if he's like this, he's no better than a hunter, laughing and striking her down again, again.]
[He'd... put some thought into this. Bounced ideas off Komaeda. Roped Ranger and Akira in. There'd been planning. A strategy meeting.
There was one thing he hadn't planned, because it shouldn't have mattered to the people he'd intended to fool, the ones behind the school, that liked it when people killed, encouraged it with merits.
Motive.]
...
[What can he say? Can he get away with saying it was to live, ease her just that way? But it contradicts what he said earlier about the others choosing to make it quick. The middle road is closed to him; he can only break one way or the other.
It's... a tiny, seductive, thought. Why is he trying so hard, anyway? He didn't have a problem getting people in on this plan, even as he was trying to keep that number as small as possible. If he'd needed Helena's specific expertise for this, would he have hesitated?
But every person who knows is a risk, and eight lives are still at stake given the work put in towards making them 'dead'. He didn't even tell the other transfer teachers, just took advantage of the distraction he suggested.
He's trusted her with his life. Does he have the right to trust her with others'? Is he really throwing all this away just because she's upset?? Two days in??? It's enough to make a lip curl.]
[she doesn't say anything to him in reply. she doesn't trust her voice. of course she can keep a secret - she even left his name out of his Christmas present just in case someone walked behind her while she had been working on the code and saw who it was to. calling him her friend.
[He can't hold his arm while he says this, because he needs all his limbs for treading water. This is a tiring conversation to have for multiple reasons.
He hates this. He hates himself. It's an active, radiating hate.]
...Why... does it matter if you know? If everyone knows? Ahaha, I'm not just asking to be cruel.
[He can't do it, he has to return to floating on his back, speaking to the ceiling.]
You'd think... someone who'd done this... would want to keep it secret, right? It's just sense. We still don't know who killed the Akiras...
[And isn't that one of the many thoughts his brain has on rolodex to keep him up at night with. But really, to abuse her trust... all he'd have to say is no, it was one of the other teachers. He wasn't involved.]
What use do you have to keep it secret? They asked, you did it - it's not a mystery. Every teacher would be asked the same thing.
[now she can feel herself trembling some from the chill, and her voice is softer when she manages to speak through her tears. but she doesn't want to move. doesn't want to alter a thing. wants to take her heart and drop it down until whatever lives in the pool can have it.]
[It's moments like this, lying on his back in a pool and succeeding at something he's realized too late he doesn't want, that he wishes there was an ocean purely so that he could go walk into it.]
Asked by who?
...
Nevermind. It's not like it matters, anyway...
[It's a puff of defeated, exhaled air. Maybe it's a good thing, if she thinks this about him. He's the sort who uses people and gets them killed, and even if he didn't in this particular case he only ever seems to hurt her. It hurts, a burning stripe in his chest, but it's probably for the best she knows now, and acts accordingly.]
[wait. wait. even through her tears, her hurt, something also isn't adding up here.
can you keep a secret?
why does it matter if you know?
it doesn't make sense, doesn't reconcile with a man who's so desperate to live that he'd hide behind another name, a man who knows he's physically weak and another easier target like her. it would be simpler to paint himself as a coward who let another teacher do it. not someone who'd scheme and kill nine people by burning them alive. in this school, to be dangerous is not always strength. they survive by staying low, low.
her breathing slowly evens some, and she wipes her face, though it's rather useless, water in water.]
...Shin?
[there are a lot of questions in his name. the thread of hope she'll wind about her wrist - the bad that happens is so that hope can overcome it...
why did he confess so easily to something even the devil didn't wish to do?]
[if he knew what she was trying to do earlier, why did he let go?
...
she lets go of the ladder, and gathers up the remaining pieces of her heart. by the sound, she can judge where Shin is - and Helena dives, swims to him, to resurface next to him. to try and take his hand again.]
[don't let go. don't pull away from her. please. say anything, but don't let go. she's putting pieces together, feeling where they go, even when her heart is bleeding tree sap in multiple places - using it to stick the pieces back together.
[It's a strange, painful relief, that feels selfish to even have. She's clever, she's working it out... His ears are pricked; the problem is now not whether she knows or not, but how to convey it when he feels watched.]
Ahaha... did I, I wonder? Someone had to, right? [Shut up shut up shut up.] Otherwise... what would happen?
[Why is he like this.]
It takes a while for the paperwork to go through, doesn't it?
[As an explanation and apology, it kind of sucks.]
[he'll feel how her hand tightens on his, see how she's struggling when the pieces are before her, going through yet another shift in emotion. questions she can't ask, even though she knows there's no teachers here, struggling with the outcome. she wants to hit him in the chest, wants to shake him, wants to cry all over again. there's too much, and she's furious for a different reason, yet drained from everything earlier...
Shin will hear that her voice is still quiet, but firm for the moment.]
[This... really isn't the best place for this sort of thing, no, although is there ever? He's ready to faceplant onto a mattress.]
Let's go back... S-sorry, Helena.
[He wouldn't blame her if she'd just left, or did any of those things in that text box up there, but he goes with her to the ladder, letting her hold his hand for as long as it's practical what with climbing concerns etc. Time to head back to the dorms.]
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no subject
She was wanting him to prove her wrong.
Like he once spent so long doing.
She's crying. Anyone can cry.]
Helena...
[There's a crack in it. It does worse than sting, that last sentence, acid in the opening left by the idea he'd kill, and like that, because he was told to. Because... he really had, hadn't he? Not now, but back then. He can't help but flinch... getting out of the water, that's a good idea. He'll... he'll let her go first.]
You... already knew I'd killed before...
[Inside, he's in deadlock, two voices screaming at each other what are you doing. As a result it's neither, less than either, a feeble sentence that's half 'so please work this out' and half 'so believe this lie is true' and unable to resolve the contradiction.]
no subject
[the phrase is broken, agonized, flung out at him.]
To live, not just....just for killing's sake!
[that was a reason, and one she could forgive, knowing how desperately the self wants to not die. killing to live, because it was you or them. but killing just because you were told they'd die either way? when she knows there might have been another option - those silent bodies hidden in the dorms - it's wrong, it's wrong, and she can't even pull herself out of the water. too miserable to, just holding on so that she doesn't sink down into the abyss.
normally, when talking to someone, Helena turns her head towards them, lets sighted people feel more comfortable that way. but right now, she stays where she is. he can listen just fine like this. he can hear how hard she's trying to cry quietly, and what slips through regardless.
if he's like this, he's no better than a hunter, laughing and striking her down again, again.]
no subject
There was one thing he hadn't planned, because it shouldn't have mattered to the people he'd intended to fool, the ones behind the school, that liked it when people killed, encouraged it with merits.
Motive.]
...
[What can he say? Can he get away with saying it was to live, ease her just that way? But it contradicts what he said earlier about the others choosing to make it quick. The middle road is closed to him; he can only break one way or the other.
It's... a tiny, seductive, thought. Why is he trying so hard, anyway? He didn't have a problem getting people in on this plan, even as he was trying to keep that number as small as possible. If he'd needed Helena's specific expertise for this, would he have hesitated?
But every person who knows is a risk, and eight lives are still at stake given the work put in towards making them 'dead'. He didn't even tell the other transfer teachers, just took advantage of the distraction he suggested.
He's trusted her with his life. Does he have the right to trust her with others'? Is he really throwing all this away just because she's upset?? Two days in??? It's enough to make a lip curl.]
Hey, Helena... you can keep a secret, right?
[Notes in ciphered braille.]
no subject
what a fool she was, right? allying herself with people like that. By lying low, you're asking for them to rip out your throat. waiting for them to kill her for her belief.
the tears fall, hot and shameful. but she's not telling him to shut up.]
no subject
He hates this. He hates himself. It's an active, radiating hate.]
...Why... does it matter if you know? If everyone knows? Ahaha, I'm not just asking to be cruel.
[He can't do it, he has to return to floating on his back, speaking to the ceiling.]
You'd think... someone who'd done this... would want to keep it secret, right? It's just sense. We still don't know who killed the Akiras...
[And isn't that one of the many thoughts his brain has on rolodex to keep him up at night with. But really, to abuse her trust... all he'd have to say is no, it was one of the other teachers. He wasn't involved.]
no subject
[now she can feel herself trembling some from the chill, and her voice is softer when she manages to speak through her tears. but she doesn't want to move. doesn't want to alter a thing. wants to take her heart and drop it down until whatever lives in the pool can have it.]
I asked, you told me the truth.
no subject
Asked by who?
...
Nevermind. It's not like it matters, anyway...
[It's a puff of defeated, exhaled air. Maybe it's a good thing, if she thinks this about him. He's the sort who uses people and gets them killed, and even if he didn't in this particular case he only ever seems to hurt her. It hurts, a burning stripe in his chest, but it's probably for the best she knows now, and acts accordingly.]
no subject
[wait. wait. even through her tears, her hurt, something also isn't adding up here.
can you keep a secret?
why does it matter if you know?
it doesn't make sense, doesn't reconcile with a man who's so desperate to live that he'd hide behind another name, a man who knows he's physically weak and another easier target like her. it would be simpler to paint himself as a coward who let another teacher do it. not someone who'd scheme and kill nine people by burning them alive. in this school, to be dangerous is not always strength. they survive by staying low, low.
her breathing slowly evens some, and she wipes her face, though it's rather useless, water in water.]
...Shin?
[there are a lot of questions in his name. the thread of hope she'll wind about her wrist - the bad that happens is so that hope can overcome it...
why did he confess so easily to something even the devil didn't wish to do?]
no subject
....Still here?
[One of those double meanings again. She's been at the ladder for a while now...]
no subject
...
she lets go of the ladder, and gathers up the remaining pieces of her heart. by the sound, she can judge where Shin is - and Helena dives, swims to him, to resurface next to him. to try and take his hand again.]
no subject
[This time, he'll let her. The tail of the wetsuit's cord snakes in the water as he adjusts position.]
no subject
[don't let go. don't pull away from her. please. say anything, but don't let go. she's putting pieces together, feeling where they go, even when her heart is bleeding tree sap in multiple places - using it to stick the pieces back together.
don't let go.]
no subject
Ahaha... did I, I wonder? Someone had to, right? [Shut up shut up shut up.] Otherwise... what would happen?
[Why is he like this.]
It takes a while for the paperwork to go through, doesn't it?
[As an explanation and apology, it kind of sucks.]
no subject
Shin will hear that her voice is still quiet, but firm for the moment.]
...I want to go back.
[we are going back. this is his penance.]
no subject
[This... really isn't the best place for this sort of thing, no, although is there ever? He's ready to faceplant onto a mattress.]
Let's go back... S-sorry, Helena.
[He wouldn't blame her if she'd just left, or did any of those things in that text box up there, but he goes with her to the ladder, letting her hold his hand for as long as it's practical what with climbing concerns etc. Time to head back to the dorms.]