yogen | falling past the horizon

Entry tags:

falling past the horizon

Who: Yukio & You!
What: Coping With Loss :)
When Beginning of February
Where: School Rooftop
Warnings: very unfun post about grief, loss, suicidal thoughts and attempts probably.

[Yukio had felt the emptiness when it happened. Well, emptiness wasn't exactly the word he would use. It was more of a sudden vacuum left behind by the sudden removal of something important. But the point was that he had felt it when it happened. One moment he had been fine, or as fine as anyone could be in this place... the next moment he had felt so empty that it almost staggered him.

It took him a while to figure out what it was, and what the feeling meant. Things had appeared normal. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, and for a moment there Yukio had almost brushed the feeling aside as just his anxiety getting the better of him. The feeling didn't leave, though, and as the day had gone it had gotten worse.

It felt as if he was suffocating, the pressure in his chest crushing against him until he couldn't so much as breathe.

It got worse when he had arrived at their dorm room, only to find Kurikara on the floor. His heart had sunk at the sight of it, because as clumsy and forgetful his brother was, he would never toss that sword away like it was nothing more than spare clothes.

The rest had been a blur.

He didn't remember how he got to the rooftop, or when he had sat down on the ledge, with his feet dangling off the side of the building. He didn't remember grabbing Kurikara or the fact that he was still holding it.

All he remembered was that feeling of emptiness had grown, and through his haze, he knew without a doubt that Rin... was gone.]

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[Noah isn't quite aware of the disappearance yet, so when he's looking for Yukio, it's not to say "hey Rin's gone where's Rin" but rather because he wants to do stupid boyfriend things like hold hands. Bounding up to the rooftop, he spots Yukio sitting on the edge, and sort of half-jogs over to him only to stop halfway and slow to a walk.]

Hey, Yukio...?

[He seems... down.]

What's going on?

[Yukio didn't answer Noah.

Or rather, he didn't seem to hear him.

The red carrying case had been pushed down halfway down the sword's sheath, and Yukio had been absent minded in the way of rubbing his fingers against the textured hilt. Sometimes his fingers found the bead that Kuro would often play with — Rin always using the sword as anything but a sword, holding it by the end and letting Kuro use it like a cat toy despite Yukio's constant protests.

There was a very far off look in his eyes, if Noah could get that close, though mostly he was stiff — tense.]

[Hm...

Noah approaches slowly and sits down next to Yukio, close enough to bump their shoulders together. Which he does, affectionately, trying to get the other boy's attention before he actually looks at Yukio's expression.]

...Yukio? Did something happen...?

[It wasn't until Noah touched him that Yukio snapped out of whatever train of thought he was in. He jumped just slightly, eyes wide and panicked as he looked at Noah for a moment and relaxed the moment he realized who it was.]

I...

[He stared at Noah for a couple of seconds before he was looking back at the sword in his hands.]

Rin's gone.

Rin's gone?!

[...oh. Oh no. That's...

...

That's very bad. That's very bad, because Rin is gone, but more importantly because Noah knows exactly what it means. When someone goes missing here, they don't just turn up okay in ninety-nine percent of cases. They don't just come back like nothing's happened, no.

It means that Rin is dead. It means that someone got him when his back was turned and dragged him off never to be seen again, just like what happened with Inaba and Bonnie and Miyuki and Nanami — just like with Clamor, only Clamor could come back because of the magic in the sickle. Rin has no such thing, as far as Noah knows.

His heart sinks, and after a moment, he lays his head on Yukio's shoulder, not knowing what he should say. Would ripping the bandaid off make everything worse? The answer is probably yes. So, he doesn't do that.]

...I'm sorry. I don't... I don't know what else to say.

[He'd reach out for Yukio's hand to hold it if he thought it was a good idea. That sword is too important, though, so he lets Yukio hold it and mourn. No point in trying to take that away.]

If you need to cry or scream or... or something, I'm here, okay?

[Did he need to cry?

Yukio gritted his teeth, the hands clutching the hilt of the sword trembling, knuckles white. There wasn't even a sword in here, it was just the hilt and the scabbard, the blade long gone — just like Rin.

His eyes burned, but he didn't know if it was due to tears or his flames so he reached up and removed his glasses, carefully setting them aside as to not to lose them. He only had one pair here, after all.]

He's really gone.

[His voice was soft now, barely above a whisper, but the tremble in each syllable was audible.]

The amount of times I wished he was dead, or that I tried to kill him a-and he's ...

[Tears.

They were tears.

The blurred his already awful vision, but he refused to let them fall. He hadn't cried since he was a child, not after he swore to protect Rin and now...

He brought the sword up, pressing his forehead against the hilt.]

I-I can't even tell him how s-sorry I am anymore.

[Oh. Oh, honey...

Noah reaches up to brush some hair out of Yukio's face, not that it helps much. It alarms him to hear that they've tried to kill each other in the past, but now isn't the time or the place to dig deeper into that. Really, it's not even his business to begin with, but...

...no, no, not now.]

Yukio... look at me.

[What did everyone say to him when he was deep in his own despair? What did they say — life goes on, everything will work out? Empty promises here. There's only one thing that could be promised in this place, which is—]

I know it's not... a comfort, probably, but people here... they come back. It might take a bit, but they do. Somewhere, somehow, they always do. Don't give up hope, okay?

[Noah's face was blurry, though he didn't know if it was due to the tears that were still streaming down his face or just the fact that he wasn't wearing his glasses anymore. There was a slight blue glow to his eyes, making the red of his pupils more prominent, though they hadn't burst into flames currently.

Thank whoever the fuck for small favors.

He swallowed thickly, trying to get himself back under control. He didn't like feeling like this — lost and helpless, like he was eight years old again, sobbing under the covers because he had seen a demon outside his window. Rin had always slept with him then, to comfort him as if Rin could beat back the monsters that terrorized him.]

I don't know if Rin being gone is for the best... He didn't belong here. [Did any of them? Yukio wasn't a good person, and those around them here tended not to be either. But there were people here who didn't deserve to be in whatever hell-like punishment this was.

Nene and Noah were two that he could think of.

He let out a slow breath, dropping his gaze and bringing the back of his hand across his cheeks to wipe away some of the tears.]

I'm sorry... I don't... You shouldn't see me like this...

Stop it. You don't have to hide your pain from me or anyone else.

[Noah reaches up with both hands and plaps them on either side of Yukio's face, sort of squishing the latter a bit with the force. He lessens his grip shortly after, he's very sorry.

Why does he have to suck at this?]

You're allowed to... to be sad, or cry, or scream, or kick something or whatever you need. But you're not allowed to think that you have to put up a facade in front of me. You're not allowed to think that I don't care, either.

[Yukio hadn't said that in certain terms, but Noah thinks he has the guy figured out. He knows who he fell for, after all. And that aside...

He swipes tears from Yukio's eyes with his thumbs. More will soon take their place, or so he imagines. But for now...]

...do you want a hug?

[Ishimaru had not yet realized that one of his roommates had gone. But he found one remaining one when he went up to the roof just to check up on the rooftop garden.

Once he noticed someone sitting along the edge, he immediately felt alarmed! At least he did not look like he was preparing to make a leap, but that's still very precarious! He steps forward cautiously.]

Okumura-kun?

[It took him a moment to register the voice behind him as Ishimaru, though it took him a little longer than that to even move. He lifts his head, turning it slightly to glance over his shoulder.]

Sorry, am I in the way?

[While he was always serious and stern, his voice now seemed more monotone and empty, as if he wasn't really all there in the conversation.]

Where you're sitting, the only ones you'd be in the way of are birds!

[It's... an attempt at humor. One which Ishimaru lets hang there for a moment before he continues speaking.]

...I apologize if I was out of turn. You are not in anyone's wall at all. I am simply surprised and concerned to find you sitting out here! Is something the matter, Okumura-kun?

[He opened his mouth to reply, wanting to say that nothing was wrong and that he was fine but if he lied to Ishimaru, the man would just find out the truth in time. He was their — his — roommate, after all.

He sighed softly, shoulders sagging a little.]

Rin's gone.

[It was only a matter of time, between their living situation and the class roster. His heart sinks as he hears that answer.]

R...Rin-kun? He's gone?! [He answers with a soft gasp. But here in Yogen, that can mean many things. So he asks uncertainly.] H-how...?

[That's something he'd like to know too. Not having the answer to things was almost as bad as knowing; all these scenarios running rampant, the next one worse than the last.

Yukio took in a sharp breath, not wanting to cry in front of Ishimaru.]

I don't know... I can't even find his...

[Body.

He couldn't being himself to say that just yet.]

[It really is the most horrifying mystery when someone goes missing around the school. As much as Ishimaru prefers to avoid morbid possibilities, he knows they're the most likely. Yukio doesn't need to finish his sentence. He can feel the word like a pit in his stomach.

Ishimaru's shoulders slack as he looks down with a frown. As Rin's brother, Yukio must be the most sensitive to this kind of thing. He really must have gone missing.]

...I... I can try to look for him. I will assemble a search party a-and check every last inch of the school grounds! [He desperately attempts to find any kind of hope or solace in this situation, or at least to help Yukio feel a little less worse.]

[The surprise on his face was clear, mostly because he couldn't really wrap his head around someone trying to help him. Well, not him, per se. Rin was always the more likable one. His grip on the red sleeve of the sword tightened and after a moment of just staring at Ishimaru, he nods slowly.]

You... don't have to. [He swallows thickly, knowing that the probability of finding Rin alive was slim to none; not when he left, his sword discarded like it was trash on the floor. Rin wouldn't do that.] But... thank you. I appreciate you.

[Ishimaru wants to help as many others in need as possible. With all the pain this school causes, he can find victory in any amount of it that he can relieve. And he has always been fond of Yukio. They might not know each other very well, but he's seemed studious and responsible in Ishimaru's eyes!]

I appreciate your appreciation and appreciate you in turn, Okumura-kun! I feel that it is something that I should do. If... if there is still a chance that he can be found, I will do my best to locate him!

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falling past the horizon

(sadly) babe............

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