Sara Chidouin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
samuraiwomen) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
yogen2022-03-04 09:37 pm
samuraiwomen) wrote in yogen2022-03-04 09:37 pm
Entry tags:
like a bitter stranger
Who: Everyone
What: Our monthly family meeting.
When: March 5th, 2000.
Where: Yogen dorms common room.
Warnings: Discussions of murder, suicide, child death...more?
[ A message goes up on the forums late Friday evening.
S.chidouin: Group meeting in the dorms Saturday. 12:00. No punching. No stabbing. I'll bring stickers.
If your character would not find a post from Sara worth listening too, Bonnie is wandering around, vaguely noting how important this meeting is, and how very much you should attend. No further details are forthcoming.
The meeting itself is a quiet affair. The fireplace is not lit, there are no snacks. Sara waits in the corner for everyone to arrive and get settled and then she clears her throat to speak. ]
As most of you know... [ It's hard to start, but her voice gets firmer as she goes on. ] We spent the last two months investigating Maya Arisu's murder. That case is solved. A few weeks ago, Bonnie-chan and I found the culprit.
Rantaro Amami killed Maya Arisu, Hiro Arisu, the vice principal and is presumably responsible for the scene with Keigo Arata. He is also dead. I just figured...everyone should know. To many people got hurt the last few months. I'm sorry.
[ She fiddles with her hair. That's all...she really has to say. There's not much more then that as the gist of it. ]
What: Our monthly family meeting.
When: March 5th, 2000.
Where: Yogen dorms common room.
Warnings: Discussions of murder, suicide, child death...more?
[ A message goes up on the forums late Friday evening.
S.chidouin: Group meeting in the dorms Saturday. 12:00. No punching. No stabbing. I'll bring stickers.
If your character would not find a post from Sara worth listening too, Bonnie is wandering around, vaguely noting how important this meeting is, and how very much you should attend. No further details are forthcoming.
The meeting itself is a quiet affair. The fireplace is not lit, there are no snacks. Sara waits in the corner for everyone to arrive and get settled and then she clears her throat to speak. ]
As most of you know... [ It's hard to start, but her voice gets firmer as she goes on. ] We spent the last two months investigating Maya Arisu's murder. That case is solved. A few weeks ago, Bonnie-chan and I found the culprit.
Rantaro Amami killed Maya Arisu, Hiro Arisu, the vice principal and is presumably responsible for the scene with Keigo Arata. He is also dead. I just figured...everyone should know. To many people got hurt the last few months. I'm sorry.
[ She fiddles with her hair. That's all...she really has to say. There's not much more then that as the gist of it. ]
no subject
But she's not gonna just sit here and listen to her friends say those things about themselves. She can't help but care about her friends, more than she can bear, both the ones in the library with her and the ones she left behind in the meeting. And when two of them leave the meeting, and nobody bothers to follow after them or even wonder if they're doing okay...
How can she look aside, after everything? How can she let herself be the cause of a group breaking up again, through her inaction? How can she let anybody, especially Komaeda who she knows does this so often (including back at home), feel unloved, when the opposite is the case?
To Komaeda, she looks first. ] You weren't uninjured. [ Quiet, but firm. ] I heard what he said to you. How would you feel if he had said those things to me?
[ And then she turns to Ranger, and her face softens - there's a flicker of unease, because she may still be working out social interactions in a lot of ways, but she can tell that her arrival troubled him the most. She'll say her piece and then get out, she resolves. Leave them be. ] You had as much right as any of us to be there. But...
[ She hesitates and looks up to the ceiling, then shakes her head. ] Mm... I don't know how to fix it, but this keeps happening at meetings... we all need to be better, I guess.
no subject
( komaeda has no rebuttal for anyone else because he hadn't been paying attention like he should have when it came to ranger's needs. he failed in that regard too by not keeping his eyes peeled, his ears open to what was being said— for not jumping one place to another, and instead he did the opposite of that: stayed in one place. that's pretty rare for komaeda who moves constantly, as long as he's on the move, his thoughts can hardly catch up, along with his problems, and that's an advantage that keeps him safe.
ranger can say anything he desires at this moment, that komaeda hadn't seen, that he hadn't heard what was spoken between him and the participants. he sits down on the other side of the table now as his eyes move to nanami next, mulling over her words because it's no secret what komaeda would have done if the same was said to her. how would he feel? he'd feel as he should— insulted for their sake, he would speak up, make sure a person knows where they stand when it comes to an ultimate. it's all he's ever had since growing up, that lone star in the night sky he's reached up to; an unhealth obsession, but it's those feelings he would have protected her with. )
Aren't you lucky, Nanami-san... because those honest words weren't said to you. It's a great thing, don't you think? As long as he isn't lying anymore... it's easier to accept. Being lied to for the sake of being happy, I'm tired.
( with a cant of his head, he finds that he can't be mad at honest words, because if add had felt that way the entire time then their relationship was based on lies. no, it probably resided in the darkness of add's heart, and he was afraid to say it aloud, and that would make so much sense. the heavy rock that weighs down a person's heart, making them unable to cough it up, and speak what's truly grazing the inside of their body. there's always this feeling that hides behind the skin, that screams, wails and thrashes to get out— it doesn't care how much bloodshed there happens to be, by it's owner or others.
it was meant to be komaeda, but sara... she's such an idiot, and komaeda groans as he leans back in his chair. it's an unappealing sight he thinks, so he sits up as the soles of his shoes brushes against the wooden floor beneath him. )
...There's nothing wrong with any of you.
( it's like how ranger said, when people can open their eyes to the truth, when they finally see what they don't want to. everything falls into place. his fingers brush against the table, his nails scratching, breaking at least one nail and not the others. the keratin bends, it feels uncomfortable, but he toughs it out with a shake of his head. )
It should be obvious... where the problem lies.
( he's sure people are thinking it, every meeting that something goes wrong because of him. and now the lives that were on the line, and then having to look shin in the face too for harming his friend. it's almost like komaeda doesn't have a chance at anything like that: friendship, because he blocks the road with thousand and thousands of rocks, and he can't push the rubble to the side. with his elbow against the table, the male stares at his wrist for a moment, it's a sensitive area... weak, frail. )
The next meeting... no matter who passes, just... count me out. If there's truly hope without me then... then...
( fine. he gets it, he gets it, he gets it... but he could never say it aloud, so instead he bites his tongue. he follows nanami's gaze up to the ceiling, wondering if the answers he should give her are up there, before dropping his head to look towards her with a chuckle. )
I won't let Amami-kun's sacrifice or their actions ( he looks to ranger, a small smile on his face ) be in vain, I won't make the same mistake twice.
( after acknowledging them both. )
...I'm sorry.
no subject
He logically understands that her presence is a good thing. It's better for someone other than Ranger to be here. He's lacks the proper empathy and weight, he lacks the values that allow one to be called a good person. it's enough for him to repress the initial reaction, and instead he allows the two of them to speak. His head dips in acknowledgment when Komaeda says that he wanted him. It's enough, and so he doesn't mind if several others didn't. ]
... I'm glad somebody did.
[ It could be sarcastic, but it's not. He means it. Komaeda isn't the problem. It's others. It's the way they stop thinking, it's the way they're walking corpses, it's everything. But it's not until Komaeda looks to him that his throat tightens, and he parts his mouth behind the ice cream cone card before shutting it. "Their actions," he says... But what his thoughts loop back around to is, ]
... "We all."
[ He repeats those words two words flatly, without a trace of emotion. It changes quickly. He lets his fingertips brush along the surface of the table, flatting h hand against it before slapping it down on the back of a hair. ]
Yeah. You all do. Is it fun running around and playing games? Closing your eyes and ears so you don't see what's happening, playing games so you can make excuses and blame everyone else? Do you sleep betting saying that you tried despite not doing anything but standing there and watching your plans twisted, your intentions corrupt, and suffering loss after loss? ... Or how about wanting to throw a punch at someone without getting one back? Watching people rip into each other while doing nothing?
[ His voice is measured, even, and caustic enough to eat through metal. His grip on the chair tightens, and toward the end there's a crunching sound as it starts to splinter within it. His eyes flick to it, then his hand drops down to his side, fingers curling and uncurling. ]
It's an easy fix. Stop standing around and doing nothing but watch and hope somebody else fixes your damn problems.
[ He waves hand in front of his face now, just a quick twist of the wrist as he closes his eyes and tilts his head to the side. His help and input are both equally unwanted though, and he supposes that's fair when not a soul had asked for it. ]
Ahh, don't worry... I heard all about how I did nothing, and how cruel I am. Better try harder next time, 'cause the way the group is now, it's not gonna stop the next one either.
[ Prevention is the best cure, and offense is always better than playing defense. But no matter what, this group only plays defense. It's not just with the murders - it's everything and anything. The phone call. Rokuro. The disappearances and deaths and the entire fucked up system.
If they succeed, the he can imagine that it'll validate Komaeda, and he's not quite ready to entertain the consequences of that. But if they fail, if they drag it out and deflect and distract and destroy each other as they did here once more, then Ranger will... ]
I'll look forward to seeing it.
no subject
Though, her understanding of the situation is still... complicated, and new wrinkles got added even today in the meeting. She frowned. ]
If we had known everything, though... how much would we have changed?
[ She twiddles her fingers, thinking about... the clues... how long it took for them to figure out the notes were forged, and how even then they hadn't been able to ascertain who had done it, at least not until after the final deed was done - but what if Amami had been found out, and his plan had failed? What would have happened to them? ]
No, we need to be treating each other better, even if bad things happen. And I...
[ She swallows. ] You're right. There's times when I could have made things better. The only thing I can do is try harder next time, right? Even if something horrible happens... we have to take care of each other. We're all stuck in the afterlife together, anyway.
[ She looks to one, and then the other. Then she stands, because... she probably shouldn't linger here. Let them have the comfort of each other, because there's only so much she can do. ]
I'm sorry that I can't offer more. But I'll do everything I can to make things right. I'll talk with Add and Sara too... because I know we all care about each other. And we can help each other through this strange experience together, too.
[ She looks back to Komaeda and her gaze softens. ] The greatest hope, I think, is when it's every single one of us. If it's not yours... that's okay, but it's mine. I'll never leave you behind again.
[ Hesitates. ] But... I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to come to the next meeting... they're too much to handle sometimes.
no subject
( his eyes fall onto ranger, mostly curious of what he'd say next. it's always a ticking time bomb when it comes to the way people speak to ultimates, and komaeda's sensitive to it. he can't protect himself, but he can help them. it's nothing but ranger's feelings and thoughts on the matter, compiled, but it doesn't matter who it went to because had someone else came in nanami's place then they'd hear the same thing. )
It was those who chose to ignore it, and others who are blind despite always looking. If only people could use them rather than eating with their eyes... greed is such a terrible thing. Sometimes they can't accept what they see, and that's why they'll never learn the truth when it's right there..
( komaeda saw it, others saw it... keigo only had so much time left, and maybe it's because subaru only told select people, but it was those that idiot could count on. if he had spread it further, could something else have happened? sadly, there's no people here aside from a scarce few who would go this far— everyone has taken a part, whether they know it or not. the fact that the female became that child's friend is also part of this. )
Nanami-san... if you talk to them, you check on them.
( no asking them about their feelings on other people, wondering what their thoughts are on the meeting in general. just be there for them, because even komaeda couldn't follow up on sara and shin's request.
he leans back in his chair, blinking slow at her concept of hope. when it's every single one of them? it's not too far away from that goal he had in mind, especially when it was all done to bring everyone together, to make sure there was a brighter future. it makes him uncomfortable to hear the end, but with a sigh. )
This is about hope, and you... you... ( because he called her hope when he was younger, because his feelings haven't changed since then despite being closed off. when it comes to that certain concept, who, if not her, would be able to do what she can? that's why he can trust her with wanting to talk to add and sara, but he is also trusting her not to bring them up considering those are conversations they'll have to deal with in the future. ) ...understand that it's not stagnant, it's a force that's always driving the people around us. But I wonder... can you see the hope from this, too...
no subject
What would they have done if they'd known? It's too late to answer that question. It's too late to do anything but evaluate what had gone wrong, and what can be done in the future. He won't disparage that by hammering it in over and over, and so he offers little more than a nod of acknowledgment and a few scant words ]
... it's done. All that's left is the review session. [ The review session, the aftermath, the future. He sighs. ] You should leave Sara be until she's recovered. No one likes to be seen at their lowest, and I doubt her doctor's gonna be happy if you try to get her worked up. That one's pretty strict.
[ It's not a lack of kindness, but protection. It's part off taking pride in ones work, it's part of being the best, any small bit of harm and misstep done by a doctor's charge reflects on him. It'll be his negligence, not theirs. He sighs, cocking his head to one side. He'll have to hunt Hiyori down later to get a proper update, to ask for his impressions on everything that had occurred.
He has no faith in the person before him to truly do better, no more than he does anyone else, and these lessons will be quickly forgotten. Those of ASUNARO cannot allow themselves to fall into that same pattern.
Complacency is over.
He scrapes the sole of his boot across the floor, then his heel as he swings his leg forward and lets his heel hit the ground. He bounces it up as he leans back, reviewing and simulating and deciding. ]
You can hang around if you want.
[ For however long she wants. It's probably his own way of trying to be considerate, as not everyone is quite as inclined to stay whether or not their presence is wanted as Ranger is. His own worries are still there, and he glances to Komaeda, but he's aware enough of his own deficiencies - his own value - to offer this much. ]
no subject
Ranger's helpful, too. He's known Sara longer than her. She trusts his judgement too. To both of them she nods. The message is received. Her mission made clearer. ]
I think there's always hope to be found, [ She murmurs in answer to Komaeda's question. ] Even in the darkest moments... maybe I'm strange for thinking that, because of how I've been wrong, but... I guess it's just hard for me not to see it.
[ With that thought out there, she adjusts her bag. ] Thank you, Ranger-san... but I'm going to check on the others too.
[ It's not a complete lie - she wants to start figuring out what to say to the others, at least. But she does want to give the two boys their space. ]
But, um... [ Oh gosh, she's not good at goodbyes. She just... gives an awkward little bow, tells them both to take care, and then heads out of the library - pulling out her Game Girl Advance to play on as she walks. ]
no subject
can she do it for others? will this conversation steer her hope down a path that illuminates the world for those lost? )
If you talk to Add-kun... he's not really scary! He just acts that way. If you talk about androids, machines... he'll spark back up!
( just like komaeda who says negative things and acts different from the rest so people can hate him. that sort of behavior is common from the scientist, and while komaeda should be worried about nanami even bothering him... he thinks that it'll be fine, because if add remains alone too long then...
the voices in his head become louder than his desires.
when nanami leaves, he looks to ranger next. )
She was like that in school, too. You know how you check up on people randomly... you might be on her list now.
( it's something nice to say so that he doesn't have to feel emotionally attached to what's happened so far, but maybe this is him changing the characters, finding himself indulging in a different perspective of these tales. that's not bad to do, is it? )
no subject
[ Rio lets out a soft sigh. It's not a criticism, but a statement of fact. There are plenty of nosy people in the world, and plenty who are well meaning enough to constantly interject themselves into the lives of other who don't want them there, but more often than not it's simply a matter of that humans check in with and try to help one another. There's nothing special or meaningful about it except in those moments when a person's life is fractured. Sara is that kind of person. It makes it easy for others to push their burdens onto her instead of solving their own problems.
That's why their candles burn half as long, a fraction of the length it might otherwise have, because others won't stop sticking their wicks into it and scooping out the wax. Or perhaps it would be better to compare them to the rainbow fish, all of their beautiful scales torn off until there's nothing left but the blood and flesh and bone that they had held inside. But Ranger has no need burn up the wax of others nor to steal their scales when he has both.
He shakes his head to dismiss those thoughts, and having held his hand up in a goodbye and seen the kid off, he can turn his attention back to Komaeda more fully now. He finds that the person before him fits that description just as well, a fish with scales of all colors that keeps peeling them off and giving them away without seeing the wounds opening up with each one taken. ]
... Do you wanna keep talking?
[ It's an honest question. He won't push the issue if not. ]
no subject
( she died because of that school, she never got the life that they had. she had a happier end, not falling into despair, and the way she held onto hope all the way to the end. as the spears impaled her body, the drip of blood that splattered the floor is a smell komaeda can imagine..
she managed to die as an extravagant person, and then there's others... )
But a lot of people won't check up on you specifically.
( even if they know you exist, it's the same as rokkun, people knew all about him, and how he shoved people away with a shrug of his shoulders. only certain people check in on him, subaru included. what rio is getting at is easy to understand, how most well-adjusted people will know to check up on others, remain in their lives to ensure that they're happy and safe. she's dedicated to that cause of doing so, much-like ranger, but it's not a passive like his where it just happens to be so.
it's an agenda in nanami's mind. )
I can feel at ease that she did something...
( ultimates can't stand there like an angel to be awed and respected, it's because they have talents that he does anything for them at all. without them, he probably wouldn't even do this far, it's thanks to them he even has the relatio ship that he has with rio—
if he didn't love them as much, he wonders what type of life he lead.
...
that one world doesn't count. )
...You felt pushed away in the meeting? I might not have anything good to say, but would you want to reflect and review?
( he did say review session, something along those lines... even if komaeda feels off, he wants rio to have the chance to talk too. )
no subject
There's no need to admire such mundane behaviors, no more than there is to admire scribbles on a dry erase board. It's something anyone can do, but it means nothing, and it'll be wiped off at the end of the day. There's no permanence. But he nods in acknowledgment, offers a quiet "good" upon hearing that he finds himself a little more at ease now, and finds that it was a favorable outcome for someone else to check up on him.
He adjusts his point of focus, letting out a soft sigh before slipping into the chair across from Komaeda. It's a review session for him too. ]
... Sure.
[ He folds his arms on the table. What did he do right? What went wrong, and what should he do better next time? ]
Sara reported the results. The conclusion is that Amami is responsible for five deaths in total, including his own. They have a sound argument, so I have no objections. She said that he was a bad person, and I let it get to me, so of course I had to go and pick a fight over it... Hiyori dragged me away from that one.
[ Those words are bitter. Was that his first mistake, or was it the one thing that he had done right? It's hard to say. ]
Noah and Shin too. The latter, well - he ran off with his tail between his legs like always, but I'm sure that hole's dug a little deeper. There was Alice and Hiyori too... Ah, I didn't get a chance with Subaru before I got dragged off. Shame about that.
[ That about pauses it for a brief overview - Rio had done what he could to piss off as many people as possible. He pauses there for a moment. ]
Should we take it from the top?
no subject
( his fingers curl, nails digging into the palm of his one hand, and nothing he can note in the other as he remains in place as the other's gaze is fixed on him. the matters that have happened do weigh on komaeda, but he's able to push himself into gear— slot the puzzle in correctly even though he doesn't fit. he knows that helena said she'd cherish a puzzle piece like that, but if komaeda cheats a bit, and swallows it down... it's like tetris, and he can move the shape before it hits the ground, and if it's somewhere else... it takes a few pushes, with his own hands as if he was trying to avoid being crushed by the doom hanging over his own head. )
Chidouin-san would say that, and that's because she sees herself as a bad person because of her own choices, but they made an importance choice that changes everything. Until they can see an outcome immediately, they'll blame themselves or another.
( shin... hiyori... quite the guy to borrow a name from, but komaeda closes his eyes in thought as he focuses on this first. what does that mean for him to have been dragged away? does he regret not standing his ground to remain there, or... ah, there's no need to sugarcoat it, because he can hear the bitterness in his voice, and it stings. no different from salt sliding into the wounds because it's no good for the other to get so worked up, especially when nothing can be changed, but komaeda too is an unmovable rock when his beliefs are challenged. )
Taking lives are a bad thing to some people, and to others... there's good found in it. It's whether they choose to see it that way...
( even death can teach lessons, giving certain individuals a chance to understand that they should have worked even harder. this "loss" as they see it is one, and now their eyes will remain parted so that their chances of messing up again are lowered. what could have been done if they had noticed the way keigo acted, do they think they could have came to certain ideas that would have curated a different option? it's true, there could have been, but no one did. )
Some people need a second eye that isn't their own... just like you tell me.
no subject
[ It's not different than how arguments are made by carefully considering and picking apart other arguments, or checking multiple news sources before formulating an opinion. Ranger can see that vantage point too. He can see the grief, and the frustration, but he chooses to reject that way of thinking as flawed. This is at most a little pain for the greater good. ]
Sometimes it's necessary to take a life, but you're right. She regretted her choice, so now it's black and white.
[ Bad people kill, good people don't, but the world has never been that simple. Komaeda mentions her first, and Rio believes it to be the best place to start. It's at the top, and it's the conversation that had been the most frustrating. He looks down at the table, recounting the conversation before he looks back up. That entire meeting is one he wouldn't mind forgetting. ]
I told her that he had least did something, and she asked if I feel better blaming others when they're upset. So I dug in, since I didn't see any of them do anything to prevent what had happened, and Rantarou just did what he needed to... But like you said, those reasons don't matter to her, since she felt like 'cause they gave up on looking at him they were lied to.
[ He shifts his position, averting his gaze for just a few seconds once more. ]
I was getting too agitated, so Hiyori stepped in, since otherwise I was gonna start talking about her role int he Death Game... That seems only fair, right? Everything that she did? Telling her that she has no right to criticize... [ His fingers curl. ] She didn't get him at all, she doesn't get me at all, but she asked why I can't understand her... Ahaha... But she believed in him, and that means means trying to see the best and trusting him... See, it's fine if she didn't understand, because those beliefs were betrayed.
[ Why bother understanding others when one can just paint an image in their head. His body trembles a little, and inhales a deep breath and exhales slowly to stave off his irritation. Those words had stung more than they should have. ]
... I think that's about it. Hiyori decided it was done after that, and he kept things from getting any more personal than they needed to. He has more sense than I do.
[ Why had he gotten so wound up, and why had it turned personal? What things might he have said if he wasn't stopped, and how much more harm might he have done? Those are questions that won't be answered now, and Rio can only answer half of them. He's not even sure why he had gotten so agitated. But his partner is sharp, so he'll be able to fill in the gaps. ]
no subject
( ranger has no reason to blame anyone, what's done is done, and besides the outcome is just as nice— if there was anything done outside of any of them, then what would have happened? what hope would have prospered by the actions of sara, bonnie, and the others within this school? none of them would have turned to the idea of death, or perhaps they would have but been too afraid to speak of it?
if they blame, everything done so far begins to look tragic and filled with misery, so that could be the reason why she chose that word. to make this event unhopeful, to smear sadness all over it because she's saddened by the loss of two individuals. three? four? however many it took to see this to where it is now.
blaming is an ugly word now that komaeda thinks about it, and his arms cross on the table. )
Had any of them done something else, then we would have been offered a different outcome. In the end, it's a lighter version of what I would have done.
( between ranger and sara, he can see where they bumped heads, and it comes down to their morality, and how one can do more than the others. sara made herself appear weak, and like blood in the water, ranger took a chance to bite when no one else would. it does seem irritating from his perspective, though, and komaeda can )
You've worked hard Rio Ranger, so don't take so much offense to this. It'll take time to understand what they've gained... you care a lot about her, and that's why you want to smash that logic into her until she understands, but... choosing to use her experiences... it wouldn't have done anything because Chidouin-san would have painted it differently.
( is that to say that ranger's efforts wouldn't have done anything? no, everything he's done so far will take affect, so will what sara does as well moving forward... her arm will play as a reminder, that pain will settle into the depths of her person for as long as she lives. it's like quicksand, it'll fall deeper, and deeper, and deeper into the pit that she creates in her happy little world, the appearance will heal... no one will notice the damage, but she'll always be aware.
there's a visible grimace as his own hands curl into a fist, and he pushes against the table to press his back against the chair he sits in. )
no subject
He's right though. She would have filtered it through her own lens, and he would have been seen as even crueler than the impression left. But there's no sense in joining in on the blame game, and there's no point in feeling guilty over what hadn't occurred. It had been a misunderstanding, nothing more and nothing less.
He nods before looking down to the table. It takes him some time to decide that he should speak the remaining words going through his mind, but in the end it seems wrong to withhold them for the sake of avoiding some minor misstep. Ranger has always been upfront and honest in his assessments, and now should be no different. ]
... You can't rush things. But you know, kids injure themselves all the time, and it's not that big of a deal.
[ Painful? Sure. Scary? Absolutely. The end of the world? No, a broken arm is far from that. It's no more the end than a car accident, or a hard fall. ]
But that kid has a lot of injuries that she's left bleeding out all this time 'cause she's too busy pressing on and looking at what everyone else has going on. Can't find somebody to depend on when they're all depending on you, right? Not the way I would've chosen, but it'll do her some good to get taken care of for awhile... Hm, I guess that means I'm gonna have to suck it up and check on her too.
[ It's not a platitude, nor is it meant to bring comfort, no more than it ever is. People would worry about her, and they would check in on her, and all off those normal experiences someone her age might have after an accident - normal, mundane behaviors barely worth noting. It's something that wasn't her fault at all, something she can stand by, and so in the end he finds that there's no need for him to worry
But he has the sense that it's best not to linger on it overlong. He lets out a sigh. This spin does nothing for his frustration, but it's not as though beating the dead horse will make it run. ]
... Well, I guess I shouldn't take any of it to heart. Let's see... Shin would be next in line.
no subject
( an easy in, but an easier out that doesn't call for much overthinking when she's right there, and those who say actions speak louder than words. ranger isn't the type to waffle much, and what he does has a meaning behind it, so him even being at a certain place would ring a few bells— hopefully no alarms. the foundation of a relationship they've built for themselves is shaky, but neither of them want to die, so even if it crumbles due to all the years of cracks, and the vines that serve to withhold all the years of memories.
that foundation had become ranger's advantage due to his chance to bring it up, hiyori however, must have seen differently. )
Even if you two had a disagreement, something like that isn't strong enough to be wedged between you two.
( a bigger storm is soon to come depending, knowing the group, they'll make it more than it has to be— that's what it's like to be cast out to sea alone in it's murky darkness, rocking one's self into oblivion's maw without even knowing. ranger can become used to the darkness, but when the flash of lightening hits, that's where he's back to his original life to be something for it to strike. they'll take out their anger because he's the easiest target, whereas someone like komaeda appreciates pain, had become a masochist, and his body feels numb— his feelings are beginning to match if he so will it. )
Chidouin-san is sensitive, but to check up on her will ease her worries, and then she'll start to think. Best case scenario.
( as for shin, komaeda glances off to the side in thought. ) Continue.
no subject
[ It's too late for him to do so now. Ranger made his choice, and he has no intention of apologizing for it. If not Shin, then one of the others will have assisted her by now. She'll be in Midori's care, and he'll ensure that she remains undisturbed until she's capable of the time is right. Even so, there's no reason for him not to, and so he makes a note to do so once both she and Komaeda re more stable.
Bit it is strong enough to drive a wedge. It already has, but that's fine. He doesn't care if he's hated by them. It's not as though any of them had really cared for him. It was always just a temporary truce until they found some disagreement, no different than the way they are with each other. Then again, maybe he'll be proven wrong. He hadn't expected her to extend a hand when he arrived either.
For now he continues, ]
... Well, you know how that one is. He had to cut in the conversation to call it surprising advice from someone who "did barely anything themselves." He was trying to get at that I wasn't paying enough attention myself, and that I didn't care, since I said they shouldn't have needed my help to start, and that they had plenty of opportunities... As for me, I have no problems with what he did.
[ There's a little sigh. ]
I shouldn't have given as much help as I did.
[ He had been worried about doing so. He had been hesitant, but it's always bothered him when problems remain unsolved and people are left floundering about. But if he had listened to that feeling, if he would have followed the logic to it's natural conclusion, then...
...
... ]
no subject
( it may not be logical, but this is what komaeda would call a natural conclusion without force, and without too much of a push or handholding— this is by their own thoughts and actions. there's nothing to solve for him or for ranger if they find this to be necessary on amami and keigo's end, it's an outcome fitting due to all the variables of who each person involved was to another person, how the deaths were exacted, and so much more. all the angles that everyone would have to look at and think... how could this happen? why did this happen in the first place, yes, it's because an ultimate gave too much to someone so boring, so helpless who lacked talent themselves. that was the starting point, and the mistake made, but it's through time that views change and how much a person is willing to go through begins to show itself.
to look through that many lenses to find out where is a shame, because it shows that no one has acknowledged what others have done. their bonds are lacking, and there's hole within companionships, relationships and even in those so called truces. his eyes close as he gives thought to ranger's words, and as komaeda's mouth parts, it's quick enough to close because no one understands anything when they're too busy trying to find out who did it, and not pick at why someone would do it. too many "whos" and not enough "hows" or "whys", is what he thinks. )
You know how it goes: you gain as much as you give... I think you've given enough, so now it's their turn.
( truthfully, ranger has given so much help that maybe komaeda should have taken over at that point to do it all himself. ranger wouldn't let him, so there's no need to think back on the past of what could have happened or not. )
I understand you don't want to see them fail, but it takes a few failures to understand what they need to do right... such as the conversations that didn't go the way they thought them to.
no subject
Has he given enough? It doesn't seem like it. It doesn't even seem like it's enough, but then it never done, and so he needs another person to tell him. Still, he lets out a soft sigh. ]
That's the only way you learn, huh...? Those lessons come at a pretty high cost... I think that about covers it. I talked to others, but it didn't get so heated.
[ It comes at a high cost, and it's frustrating to know that no mater how much time passes they won't stop to think about what it is they're doing. They won't recognize the mistakes they've made in their thinking, but sit upon their self-righteous thrones.
He shakes his head, and despite thinking that, tentatively asks, ]
Do you think they'll get it eventually?
[ Will they understand what Amami did? If they can't understand that, then what about the next one? It'll be a clean slate, a new opportunity - will they do better then for havign gotten pushed over by him?
... ]
... Did I do the right thing?
no subject
( he could continue to wallow in his personal affairs, these that aren't meant to muddy ranger, but he changes his perspective by giving the other his attention. standing up, komaeda sets one hand on the table as he leans forward. organic hand raises up, settling it down on ranger's head, and fingers slip under ginger locks— white peeks over golden orange like waves drenched in the setting sun's light, the overview of a mountain from where komaeda stands, and ranger sits.
komaeda's hand shifts left to right, thumb brushing against the scalp, scratching, massaging, and at the end he ruffles right after.
right or wrong, good or bad... )
I've told you right? With hope there's no good or bad! ...Ah, no... you don't like when I express it like that... there's just no "or"! Hope is... absolute good because you're striving for the impossible to make possible, as long as you never give up... everything will come true!
( slow pats, a bit of laughter that's short enough because he has to catch his breath. )
The moment you give up... it's snatched from your hand, so it was difficult, but don't give up on yourself or them, no matter how frustrating, or disappointing, or obnoxious they can be! If you give up on anyone, it means everything you've done so far is for nothing... all the help you've given, and all that you done. It means something.
( fingers curl inside his palm, and his knuckles brush gently against the side of ranger's face, slowly, and then expand to push a few strands behind his ear. )
Never forget hope! That small thread you hold onto will grow stronger, thicker, and even brighter... so don't give up on it. I should have paid more attention, but... good will come after the bad.
( out of everything he asked, he thinks it over on whether they can, and in time he believes they will. sometimes they have to believe the impossible, but it may not be now, and it may be a few years later... but he has a feeling it'll all come to light one day for them. they'll use this experience, they'll cherish even more in the future. )
Together, you'll all get it. No worries.
no subject
There's nothing in this world that's inconceivable, it's merely that humans lack imagination and willpower. They give up on creativity and dreams when they put their toys away and enter into adulthood... But people fail to fit into any of the categories for advancement, and so when does one decide when to stop?
His eyelids lower as Komaeda strokes his hair and scratches at his scalp. His eyes flutter open as his head lifts slightly, bumping up against his palm as he leans into the touch and his eyes move up. It's such a soothing motion, nostalgic of one of the few moments in his time in the facility where he had felt so contented. He lets a gloved hand reach up, fingertips and palm brushing against the back of his hands before wrapping around it. It's a brief hold, just enough for a little squeeze, before his grip looses enough to let Komaeda pull away when he needs to. ]
You had your hands full... It's fine, I can handle those kids by myself.
[ It hurts now, but he did enough. He did the right thing, and just hearing those words are enough to reassure him. Even if it takes time, they'll get it... If he can think of it that way, then he can keep going as he is. ]
But... You're right. [ He breathes out a sigh, his posture finally relaxing. His grip tightens one more time before loosening, another little squeeze. ] ... What about you?
[ What does that mean? Well, it means that Ranger is concerned, but vague enough that he can choose how he responds. ]
no subject
( that sounds pretty lonely, doesn't it? he won't ever officially wipe his hands clean unless there's a need to do so, but here he is with so much work to do, and he needs to do it fast. if he could fix the gaps by pulling then together, and knitting the areas closed even if sloppy... that's more than enough as long as there's a connection?
it's more than enough because they'll work hard to build it even stronger. it's this thought that calms komaeda's nerves, and bring him back to a sitting position. the library isn't stuffy at all, and he feels comfortable here, even more so with rio around. his chest raises slowly, and it lowers all the same in a comfortable rotation as he breathes in the scent of the room. the smell of pages mixed with the plants inside makes it feel like home. )
You're right, you could handle it! I know you can...
( saying so makes him giddy, almost, too ecstatic at the thought because even if he's not here for the moment that rio will have everything covered. there's no doubt because he won't be doing anything alone for the long term... )
What about me? Let's see... what do I want to be... the cog, maybe?
no subject
But then, there's really no need to worry so long as they look out for each other, and that's why he can start to relax as his partner does. It doesn't alleviate his concerns, but continuing to pick at an open wound will do no good.
There's no need to talk about it if he'd rather not. ]
The cog...? Hm, well, in the end that's all anyone ever is.
[ Small pieces and mechanisms that keep the system going. There's some that are more critical than others, some easier to replace, but everyone is dispensable in the end. That's not a bad thing though. It means that no matter who's lost, or how many parts fail, a machine can continue running seamlessly just by repairing and replacing bad parts. ]
Does that make you the driving gear?
[ That's what he always pushes himself to be, really, the small cog powered by a motor that starts the rotation of the entire gear train. Komaeda is like that, he thinks, the person who begins the process. They're all interconnected, but without that singular piece all movement would cease. ]
no subject
( back to his old self, his attitude fluffier after a few pats to cheer him up being able to talk about what he loves and respects. komaeda is no driving gear, he's not what makes the people start moving, and instead it's hope that they're holding onto that makes them act. for as long as he's been here, none of them get it, and he thinks no matter how long he's here... many of them will not understand. it's disappointing, but if he doesn't remind them, who will? they'll never realize that it's hope that makes them work hard, that it's hope that allows them a future, and that hope can turn dreams into reality. )
I'm the really, really small cog.
( the smallest one that doesn't matter if it's removed, because the big gears will connect and still move the machine. with a nod, he exhales with a smile before leaning back into his chair properly, not sliding into it to sulk, but presentable like an individual who is ready to be interviewed for a job. )
Don't forget that you're a main piece too, Riokun... you're irreplaceable.
( dolls can be copied, cloned, and all sorts of ways that rio will never end, but this is the one that's shared a good few months with komaeda and the others, and he doesn't think he could choose another rio over another. )
no subject
But that's not a bad thing, he thinks. The driving gear bears the burden of setting off the chain reaction, and so it might be better to be snugly fit between others, driven by momentum and energy transfer. Still, he doesn't think his initial assessment was wrong either. ]
Ah... You think so?
[ Rio looks down with a little frown. Dolls are replaceable, and he's just data and code. There's no human that can't be replaced, but there's even fewer AIs. He lifts his eyes up after a moment, tilting his head to one side. The implication isn't lost on him, but those small cogs have just as much significance. ]
I dunno that it matters how big it is. The small cogs are needed for the bigger ones to rotate since they can complete more rotations and produce more force.
[ Larger gears can increase speed, but a proportional amount of force is needed. Smaller gears complete more rotations and produce less speed, but offer more force. It's a delicate balance. It's not difficult to transfer that concept to a person, and so he offers his observation, ]
Your words have weight to them.
[ If they didn't, then it wouldn't draw such a strong reaction from others. But good or bad, it seems as though he always garners one, unlike those who fade into the background and seem to almost join in with the faceless mass of students. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)