yogen | turn off your porcelain face

[Lucifer mysteriously has a record player and a classical music record now. He doesn't know why, he doesn't care why, but it's easy to see he's very excited about this considering how often he sits in his room now playing music and just vibing. It's the happiest he's been since he woke up from his small coma.

Sidney's probably feeling waves of elation through their pact. Whenever he comes back to their room next, Lucifer will shoot him a grin from where he's currently doing Normal Lucifer Things aka grading papers, the record playing Strauss's Voices of Spring.]

Do you have time for a dance, my love?

[He may or may not have been looking forward to this all day, shut up.]

( she's tried this, before. after he verified her to be really her. he said it was okay but- it wasn't. it still isn't. so they're alone again, hand in hand like always and something in nene's head is ringing. they were going to find someplace to rest, but nene stops walking slowly until noah's tugged at her hand. biting her lip, she looks up at him. )

can we talk?

...uh-huh. Sure. ...what about?

[He turns to face her, still hand-in-hand, naturally.]

it's about september. and december.

( there's only a few things either of those could refer to together, honestly. )

it's not you so don't apologize, ok?

[Right... Noah immediately turns slightly red and looks elsewhere, embarrassed or maybe ashamed or both.]

...okay. Do you wanna... sit down somewhere, or... just...

[just stand out here?]

( oh- right, they should probably have some privacy for this sort of thing, right? )

is ishigami-kun in your room? we could go there maybe

Mm... no, probably not. He, uh... tends to be out of the room if I invite someone over.

[Senku's got that whole thing about don't have romance in front of me or whatever, and Noah has a boyfriend and a Nene. They have an arrangement and the arrangement is just "Noah don't kiss people in front of me" and Noah is more than willing to respect that. Anyway—]

It's covered in cat stuff like usual. Nothing's changed.

[Cat stuff and science stuff! Noah trudges along.]

( and nene follows. she thought she'd feel more anxious- maybe her heart would feel heavier, or something. but she feels... empty, actually. like something is holding everything back until the very end.

once they're in, nene isn't sure where to sit, either. so she just lets noah pull her along again. she needs to do this... but... )

now that we're here, i'm not sure where to start.

[Noah sits at his desk, actually, because... his bed is on the top bunk and climbing feels like too much right now. He has a cat paw shaped cushion in his chair, but he puts Nene in what is his chair and grabs Senku's chair for himself.

If Senku does come in he can go away or find a new chair or something.]

Just... wherever, I guess. I'm listening. I promise.

( ... nene takes a deep breath, and rather than signing, writes. )

about your confession, then
i'm sorry it took me so long to acknowledge it
it made me really happy i promise
but i also got scared and upset. not because of you but because of me
i didn't feel worthy of that love. i still don't. even though i want to.

i did something horrible to you in september after all. and i'm sorry.

( oh- it's getting harder to stop, actually... )

i was scared and hurting but it doesn't justify it
i was scared if i looked away i'd lose you
i didn't trust you and we made it look pretty somehow
i don't want to be like that anymore

...it's fine. I figured if I confessed and you didn't push me away, that it meant you didn't hate me for it. Honestly, I... I didn't want to leave it unsaid. Mostly for my peace of mind.

[Noah also has no idea if or when he'll die again, and he's learned the hard way not to leave things unspoken. He doesn't want to die with regrets, after all.

The last bit, though, he takes a second to respond to it, thinking it all over.]

...you're... you're talking about the suicide pact, aren't you?

[Yeah, that hadn't exactly sat right with him either. Noah had compartmentalized it at the time just to get away from all of that, and then tried his damndest not to think of it ever again.]

I... yeah. I never... I always felt forced into it. But I was a hopeless mess back then, too.

[He still is.]

( nene flinches, but. it's not wrong. even if the intent was that he wouldn't- that doesn't make it better. )

i'm sorry. i wasn't thinking, and i let my fear and my own hurt control me. that doesn't excuse it. but i want to make things right again if i can.

( she wishes he'd said something- maybe they could have cleared this up earlier, instead of carrying those shackles she put on them. but... in the end she sees why he didn't, too. she made such a mess of things, hadn't she. )

Edited (didn't like how i phrased things) 2022-03-20 02:43 (UTC)

...it's... I won't say it's fine, because it's not fine. It's not ever going to be fine, but... I can forgive you. I think.

[As much as it's cruel to say, perhaps, it's a huge deal for Noah — to forgive. To let live. To not be hung up on things that hurt him anymore.]

You're not someone I want to be mad at for the rest of my life.

( if he had said it was fine she would have screamed, honestly. )

i know. it was awful. i'm never not going to be sorry.

( she's not sure she feels worthy of forgiveness, either. but. that doesn't mean she won't accept. she loves him, after all- to not accept would mean to lose him on some level. and even if he forgives... )

i want to fix this. i'm the one who broke it so it should be me. so what can i do?

Um... I don't know?

[Help, he didn't think he'd get this far.]

...no more... no more pressing knives to your throat when you're trying to make a point, I guess. [Yes, he is still bitter about that.] No more saying you're going to get hurt just because I get hurt. No more expectations.

[He pauses on that last note, purses his lips, and adds,]

We come from different backgrounds. I'm always gonna get hurt somehow. Not of my own choice, but because there's not a choice. I don't want you to think I'm not going to be like that because both here and Elrios are dangerous.

( she can say sorry all she wants. or insist she's not normally like that- which she isn't. but that doesn't change the fact that she had done that, lashing out in fear and pain that she couldn't process fast enough before she could stop herself from hurting him right back. so nene looks away with a nod. she wants to write something, but when she tries, her hands freeze.

he's right to be bitter. all the apologies in the world won't undo what she's done. )

i know.
i wish i hadn't. i mean it.

...I know. I wish I hadn't hurt you, either. Or myself.

[It's just added to his scars, all the times he's slashed his arms open with his shadows so that he could spend time within the void school resting in a place where time's flow couldn't catch up with him. They're easy to hide, to excuse as something that he got in battle — in a way, they are that, since he was fighting himself every day to live, but...]

In a way, you did save my life. If I kept at it, I probably could've broken the Moonstone's enchantment... I'm glad I didn't. Even if everything was bad, it did have a good ending, I guess.

( did it? ... maybe. she's selfish though- she wants him with her, with them. so it's enough, at least, and with clamor back... nene nods, but holds in a sigh. )

i just wish i did things better. but
wishing isn't going to help anything
i'll do better. be better.
i promise

...me too. I've been trying to be, anyway.

[For all his self-loathing and the way things make him blow up, he'd like to think that somewhere along the lines, he's gotten better. Better at controlling his self-hate and his anger and everything else about him.

Maybe he's gone numb to it all over time, though. Somehow, that seems worse.]

If it helps, I'm not mad at you.

( does it help?

she doesn't know.

maybe.

or maybe she's too mad at herself for his absolution to mean anything.

nene opens her mouth and a rasp comes out- but what she's trying to say is unclear. )

turn off your porcelain face

SIDNEY!!!!!! cw gay dads dancing

closed to ebalons, backdated before the disney trip

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