[he loosens, at least, shaking still. but he can speak, stuffed as it is.]
Why did you go out there? What happened? [breathe, breathe.] Why didn't you... why didn't you ask me to come?
[their guard dog, their seeing-eye friend. subaru never had a problem with it, not then not before february not after not now. why, why, why. how the day before her sudden disappearance could have been the last time he'd seen her, enjoyed her company, and they hadn't done anything special.
he doesn't know if he can accept her apology. she knows, for the both of them.]
[one hand goes to take Natsume's, to seek solace and comfort in touch like she always does. and the other stays touching Subaru, to take strength from him as well. the two of them there, she feels calmer than she has in days, floating in that liquid fog of thought and pain, her mind scattered.
she doesn't need them to accept the apology. if they're mad, they're mad, and they deserve to be.]
I thought...since every other time, it had been fine, this time it would be fine as well. That's all it was.
[the truth, as simple as it could be. she made a mistake. she judged incorrectly. even her, with all her thoughts, screws up and does so spectacularly. sometimes walking alone was fine. sometimes it wasn't.
as to what happened...she can feel a thin line of revulsion trickling down her throat for what she'll have to say. what will have to be repeated, again and again.]
( he squeezes her hand immediately, exhaling slowly. while his vision isn't completely gone, feeling her—the weight of her hand in his, how solid it is. the warmth it has—offers him a comfort beyond just seeing her sitting up in bed. )
That's how most people die HERE, Little Bat. ( only a light chiding, but it isn't untrue; no one expects to suddenly become a victim. he rubs the back of her hand with his thumb idly, little circular strokes. ) ...Were you atTACKED?
( this isn't anything that can be passed off as "oh i tripped down the stairs," so it's more of a lead in for her to talk if she feels like it—if it isn't too much of a strain on her. )
[natsume's asked what he wanted to, so he stays quiet. instead, he'll turn his head just a little to watch the door, the rest of the room, just to make sure there's no unwanted visitors in the moment. he isn't afraid of snapping at someone right now, whoever they are be damned.
...
maybe he'll drop to the void after this, he thinks, just to blow off some steam.]
[she nods, and takes a breath. no one is coming in, and she had asked for privacy for a while, even from the doctor. this reunion had to be done alone, and to voice this story...she has to be brave.]
You know I go to see the shrine often, and I was on my way back, following the path. Not past the stones, yet, the world hadn't shifted back. And I heard something I've heard a time before - it was the sound of a bear. It must have been monstrous, from the tone, from the size I could guess it had. Maybe I somehow offended it, maybe I somehow was crossing its territory, but...Natsume, you know how we had to run from one before, and that was in the daylight.
[that stepping out of time, what had pursued them. what had chased people down, in the past. a monster to haunt dreams with. certainly, a monster had hunted her down.]
I tried to disorient it, escape that way, but it didn't want to give up. I even tried to fight back with a knife, hoping a wound might startle it enough, and yet...I'm not a match, for a beast like that.
[the same knife they found. she remembers how it felt, to sink the blade into an eye, and the sounds of pain. thrown to the earth, when all was said and done.]
It must have believed I was dead, to be left. And then to be found...that part, I remember less well, though it's supposed to grow clearer with time. [trauma and the mind, supposedly.] What I do recall is thinking that I had to come back. "I can't die here." Thinking I'd have to drag myself home, that I wanted to see you.
[turning her head a little more into Subaru, the familiar warmth and scent is comforting. grounding. she's right here, with them. she hates having to tell them this - to be this pathetic in their eyes. please, she thinks, don't hate me for it. now here she is, knowing that at least for a while, she'll be even weaker, understanding what she'll have to do in order to be up for walking again, and having to carry this guilt.
whatever they can tell her about being foolish, about being stupid, about things being unforgiveable, her posture says she's already said it to herself. time had been hard to track, on the heavier medications, but she knows she spent half the time wanting to fight herself over it.]
( there Are bears in that forest. he and a certain he-who-will-not-be-named dove straight into the den of one, seeking shelter from wolves intent on devouring their life force. natsume remembers the heat of fire to drive such monsters away, even as he traversed the woods with one himself, and closes his eyes. )
...We went looking for you when you didn't return in the morNING. We found your KNIFE, and we found that something had happENED, but we didn't find YOU. ( his voice trembles just the smallest bit. only she'd be able to hear it. ) We were so worried about YOU, Little Bat—I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't shown up aLIVE.
( dropped into another angry, depressive stupor, probably. )
You're an idiot, [he tacks onto natsume's words.] But I'm glad you're alive, too.
[how they've both lost such important people, the wounds scabbed over and yet picked at from time to time, the rawness stinging with every press of their nail against reddened skin-- even now, even now, subaru digs his fingers into the one against his chest, tearing at it, thinking how stupid he was to not try harder, to maybe ask god for something just as selfish as before, to give anything just to make sure helena returned safe into their arms.
even if she had, in the end. the time between then and now felt suspended, felt uneasy and tense. how subaru always looked at the forest, feet wanting to follow the path again and resisting, resisting, because he hadn't wanted to cause natsume any more pain. he'd done enough, after all, without risking his life a second time.]
Lena... Helena... [he can't help it, his voice cracks and he buries in more, it's just like the evening of that terrible day but this time, natsume bears witness too.] I'm-- I'm so, so happy you're okay. I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to you, too.
[the words are soft, a little strained, and she holds onto both of them tighter. if she had just ran instead of stopping, if she hadn't had gone out at all, if she'd had her PDA - if, if, if, echoing in her mind. and then floating through dreams that felt liquid, moments in time she couldn't place, fighting back to the surface. she just wants to be okay - wants to be bundled up and kept close, to go back to the dorms and stay in their room until she can walk again, comforted by familiar touches and sounds and smells.
she can't, not until she's discharged, but right now she doesn't want to be strong, to be a pillar to rely on, to hold other people up. she wants to be herself, and to be allowed to cling to the people she loves, anchors to stop her from floating away again. apologize over and over for the pain she's caused them. the pain she will cause them. right now, she only wants them to know that she never intended any of this to happen.]
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no subject
Why did you go out there? What happened? [breathe, breathe.] Why didn't you... why didn't you ask me to come?
[their guard dog, their seeing-eye friend. subaru never had a problem with it, not then not before february not after not now. why, why, why. how the day before her sudden disappearance could have been the last time he'd seen her, enjoyed her company, and they hadn't done anything special.
he doesn't know if he can accept her apology. she knows, for the both of them.]
no subject
she doesn't need them to accept the apology. if they're mad, they're mad, and they deserve to be.]
I thought...since every other time, it had been fine, this time it would be fine as well. That's all it was.
[the truth, as simple as it could be. she made a mistake. she judged incorrectly. even her, with all her thoughts, screws up and does so spectacularly. sometimes walking alone was fine. sometimes it wasn't.
as to what happened...she can feel a thin line of revulsion trickling down her throat for what she'll have to say. what will have to be repeated, again and again.]
no subject
That's how most people die HERE, Little Bat. ( only a light chiding, but it isn't untrue; no one expects to suddenly become a victim. he rubs the back of her hand with his thumb idly, little circular strokes. ) ...Were you atTACKED?
( this isn't anything that can be passed off as "oh i tripped down the stairs," so it's more of a lead in for her to talk if she feels like it—if it isn't too much of a strain on her. )
no subject
...
maybe he'll drop to the void after this, he thinks, just to blow off some steam.]
no subject
You know I go to see the shrine often, and I was on my way back, following the path. Not past the stones, yet, the world hadn't shifted back. And I heard something I've heard a time before - it was the sound of a bear. It must have been monstrous, from the tone, from the size I could guess it had. Maybe I somehow offended it, maybe I somehow was crossing its territory, but...Natsume, you know how we had to run from one before, and that was in the daylight.
[that stepping out of time, what had pursued them. what had chased people down, in the past. a monster to haunt dreams with. certainly, a monster had hunted her down.]
I tried to disorient it, escape that way, but it didn't want to give up. I even tried to fight back with a knife, hoping a wound might startle it enough, and yet...I'm not a match, for a beast like that.
[the same knife they found. she remembers how it felt, to sink the blade into an eye, and the sounds of pain. thrown to the earth, when all was said and done.]
It must have believed I was dead, to be left. And then to be found...that part, I remember less well, though it's supposed to grow clearer with time. [trauma and the mind, supposedly.] What I do recall is thinking that I had to come back. "I can't die here." Thinking I'd have to drag myself home, that I wanted to see you.
[turning her head a little more into Subaru, the familiar warmth and scent is comforting. grounding. she's right here, with them. she hates having to tell them this - to be this pathetic in their eyes. please, she thinks, don't hate me for it. now here she is, knowing that at least for a while, she'll be even weaker, understanding what she'll have to do in order to be up for walking again, and having to carry this guilt.
whatever they can tell her about being foolish, about being stupid, about things being unforgiveable, her posture says she's already said it to herself. time had been hard to track, on the heavier medications, but she knows she spent half the time wanting to fight herself over it.]
no subject
...We went looking for you when you didn't return in the morNING. We found your KNIFE, and we found that something had happENED, but we didn't find YOU. ( his voice trembles just the smallest bit. only she'd be able to hear it. ) We were so worried about YOU, Little Bat—I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't shown up aLIVE.
( dropped into another angry, depressive stupor, probably. )
no subject
[how they've both lost such important people, the wounds scabbed over and yet picked at from time to time, the rawness stinging with every press of their nail against reddened skin-- even now, even now, subaru digs his fingers into the one against his chest, tearing at it, thinking how stupid he was to not try harder, to maybe ask god for something just as selfish as before, to give anything just to make sure helena returned safe into their arms.
even if she had, in the end. the time between then and now felt suspended, felt uneasy and tense. how subaru always looked at the forest, feet wanting to follow the path again and resisting, resisting, because he hadn't wanted to cause natsume any more pain. he'd done enough, after all, without risking his life a second time.]
Lena... Helena... [he can't help it, his voice cracks and he buries in more, it's just like the evening of that terrible day but this time, natsume bears witness too.] I'm-- I'm so, so happy you're okay. I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to you, too.
no subject
[the words are soft, a little strained, and she holds onto both of them tighter. if she had just ran instead of stopping, if she hadn't had gone out at all, if she'd had her PDA - if, if, if, echoing in her mind. and then floating through dreams that felt liquid, moments in time she couldn't place, fighting back to the surface. she just wants to be okay - wants to be bundled up and kept close, to go back to the dorms and stay in their room until she can walk again, comforted by familiar touches and sounds and smells.
she can't, not until she's discharged, but right now she doesn't want to be strong, to be a pillar to rely on, to hold other people up. she wants to be herself, and to be allowed to cling to the people she loves, anchors to stop her from floating away again. apologize over and over for the pain she's caused them. the pain she will cause them. right now, she only wants them to know that she never intended any of this to happen.]
It'll never, never happen again.