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may event log
The atmosphere grows heavier by the day. There is blood smeared around the school by students with injuries, and each time a character sees it they're struck by a sense of vertigo and unreality. The world seems to blur and spin at times, and at times they can see flickers of the other school in front of them before it disappears.
Patches of shadows will begin to appear around the entire right wing of all floors, including the locker area including the rooftop. Throughout the month the areas in which they appear will continue to expand, beginning to encompass pieces of the left wing. They appear at random at times, suddenly below ones feet, and those who can see that the floor has disappeared will find themselves falling - further and further until it suddenly stops, and they find themselves right back where they started.
Curiously, those who cannot see do not suffer from these effects. Instead, they may notice the biting cold more prominently, or hear and feel the loud sound of rotten and and broken floorboards beneath their feet in the school and barren landscaping outside. The school supplies they hold might seem to have fallen apart, the walls feel as though a fire has burnt them up and rotted them out. But it always disappears within moments - a few seconds, a trace of their hand.
In the forest, stairs appear here and there. If one chooses to walk up them, they seem to go to no where, and if they continue on long enough they'll find themselves somewhere else entirely - most off in the Mirror Room or Summoning room, but occasionally it might be a classroom or somewhere else entirely. The void will have an inverse effect, showing bits and pieces of the normal school, and if characters aren't careful they wall onto what they think is solid ground only to start falling into the true void.
Mirrors show different scenes from time to time. They may see empty scenery from back home, an older version of the school, or otherwise of the other school. If one turns their back on a mirror, they may find that something will reach out and try to grab them. These are easily shaken off, but they will be pulled against the mirror until it shatters or their body is crushed otherwise. It's as though reality itself were being eroded at by some unknown force.
Nagito Komaeda is more susceptible to the above effects, and they are more likely to occur in his presence. It's probably just his luck.
Nene Yashiro will be less susceptible to the above effects, and find that the shadow students tend to avoid her. However, she may find herself feeling ill, or struggling to recall things. At times it seems as though something is eating away at her memory, replaced by a strong enter the void. This effect is temporary.
Patches of shadows will begin to appear around the entire right wing of all floors, including the locker area including the rooftop. Throughout the month the areas in which they appear will continue to expand, beginning to encompass pieces of the left wing. They appear at random at times, suddenly below ones feet, and those who can see that the floor has disappeared will find themselves falling - further and further until it suddenly stops, and they find themselves right back where they started.
Curiously, those who cannot see do not suffer from these effects. Instead, they may notice the biting cold more prominently, or hear and feel the loud sound of rotten and and broken floorboards beneath their feet in the school and barren landscaping outside. The school supplies they hold might seem to have fallen apart, the walls feel as though a fire has burnt them up and rotted them out. But it always disappears within moments - a few seconds, a trace of their hand.
In the forest, stairs appear here and there. If one chooses to walk up them, they seem to go to no where, and if they continue on long enough they'll find themselves somewhere else entirely - most off in the Mirror Room or Summoning room, but occasionally it might be a classroom or somewhere else entirely. The void will have an inverse effect, showing bits and pieces of the normal school, and if characters aren't careful they wall onto what they think is solid ground only to start falling into the true void.
Mirrors show different scenes from time to time. They may see empty scenery from back home, an older version of the school, or otherwise of the other school. If one turns their back on a mirror, they may find that something will reach out and try to grab them. These are easily shaken off, but they will be pulled against the mirror until it shatters or their body is crushed otherwise. It's as though reality itself were being eroded at by some unknown force.
Nagito Komaeda is more susceptible to the above effects, and they are more likely to occur in his presence. It's probably just his luck.
Nene Yashiro will be less susceptible to the above effects, and find that the shadow students tend to avoid her. However, she may find herself feeling ill, or struggling to recall things. At times it seems as though something is eating away at her memory, replaced by a strong enter the void. This effect is temporary.
Hinata Hajime's body will be found in the mirror room resting in front of the mirror. He looks peaceful, as though he were merely sleeping. The mirror in front of him has shattered. There is blood on the glass fragments. There are no signs of malpractice, but until the body anyone with supernatural sight will be able to see a group of shadow figures in a loose circle around him. Passing through one will leave them cold and numb, but they will not intervene with efforts to take the body. Those who visit the void on or after this date may think they see him int he void, but the sight flickers out to reveal it to be one of the shadow figures. The closer one was to Hinata, the more likely this is to occur.
There are additional messages left scattered across the clock tower:
".ɘɿoʇɘd ɘɿɘʜ ƚ'nƨɒw yɒwllɒʜ ƨiʜT"
".owƚ ƚɘǫ bnɒ ,ɘnin oƚ ɘviʇ bbɒ I"
".oɿɘz ,ɘvlɘwƚ ,ɿuoʇ yƚnɘwT"
Chiaki Nanami will find a note placed on her pillow:
"Take care of him."
Nagito Komaeda will find a copy of Confessions sitting on his desk at the student store. In one of the pages toward the back a note has been tucked inside:
"Take care of her."
Both notes match Hinata's handwriting.
There are additional messages left scattered across the clock tower:
".owƚ ƚɘǫ bnɒ ,ɘnin oƚ ɘviʇ bbɒ I"
".oɿɘz ,ɘvlɘwƚ ,ɿuoʇ yƚnɘwT"
Chiaki Nanami will find a note placed on her pillow:
Nagito Komaeda will find a copy of Confessions sitting on his desk at the student store. In one of the pages toward the back a note has been tucked inside:
Both notes match Hinata's handwriting.
The sound of turning cogs and the ticking of the clock grows louder, then comes to an abrupt stop. The hands continue to move with the time, but no sound will be heard. It will no longer chime on the hour.
At some point during the day, twelve students will go missing.
At some point during the day, twelve students will go missing.
✽ Desecration of the body will not be allowed. Hinata's player was kind enough to allow use of their character to progress the plot, so please be respectful.
✽ The shadowy figures will appear more frequently where there is blood, fresh or otherwise, and/or mirrors.
✽ As with last month, characters who are isolated will find that they are more susceptible to being followed by the figures, and it may take longer interactions to dispel them completely.
✽ Items from the student shop that ward off supernatural creatures will aide in keeping the shadows from getting too close at first, but their effectiveness will wear off the longer a character is followed. They have a stacking effect.
✽ The counselor is only available to discuss contracts and possible deals this month. He seems to be in deep thought about something during discussions.
✽ Students will notice rumors are spreading more frequently, both about the school and player characters.
✽ Please stay tuned for additional updates toward the end of the month.
✽ The shadowy figures will appear more frequently where there is blood, fresh or otherwise, and/or mirrors.
✽ As with last month, characters who are isolated will find that they are more susceptible to being followed by the figures, and it may take longer interactions to dispel them completely.
✽ Items from the student shop that ward off supernatural creatures will aide in keeping the shadows from getting too close at first, but their effectiveness will wear off the longer a character is followed. They have a stacking effect.
✽ The counselor is only available to discuss contracts and possible deals this month. He seems to be in deep thought about something during discussions.
✽ Students will notice rumors are spreading more frequently, both about the school and player characters.
✽ Please stay tuned for additional updates toward the end of the month.
no subject
( he's yet to look in the other's direction while he's too busy looking at what's growing before them. that sea of red lillies would be nice if they mixed a few more into it, maybe they could crossbreed a plant so there's an abundance of different kinds growing. the singular aspect of one begins to dawn on people knowing this place is never-changing, they don't even grow old, and so it starts to feel stagnant that there's no changes.
gardening club could do well with planting more, snipping, and then the river could contain white specs or even black, just something else floating in the water out there. it sounds nice when he thinks about it, because the cold sensation he had felt has already left before he knew it. )
I'd ask if you figured out the secret of the compass, but that sounds like I'm stalling conversation.
( one hand lifts to rub at one of his eyes, scratching away at the sensation that it feels dry. he blinks a few times before plucking at a few of his eyelashes. the feeling passes after a few tugs, and he pulls his hand back to see if he manages to remove one lash, or maybe two, but there's nothing. there's a shrug after as he leans forward carelessly, but he doesn't fall off like some would expect. )
I was told Maple-san took you to Hiyori-kun ( .....2! ), what was the verdict?
( on whether he was right in letting him live though that problem that came off of him? he doesn't feel it anymore, so it must have been the right decision, but he waits to hear the outcome before bringing up anything else. )
no subject
That was never the point. it shouldn't matter now. He survived. The logical arguments have slotted themselves back together in his mind, and he's managed to sort through what was real and what was a construct created by his mind. But for some reason, no matter how many times he goes over it, he's not satisfied with this outcome. So, what is the verdict?
He shakes his head. It's about what Hiyori had found. The rest doesn't matter. ]
Errors began occurring earlier in the month and grew progressively worse, and as a result of critical pieces of code were deleted or the corresponding program terminated, leading to increasingly irregular behavior, inaccurate data and sensory input, and further system malfunctions.
[ Short, simple, and factual. His code had broken, and his mind and senses had gone with it. ]
No permanent damage... Most of the data could be recovered, and the rest was nothing that Hiyori couldn't fix.
no subject
( he's quiet, seeing that it was what he expected— something in the code, but there's no mention of a nasty virus, and just that something went wrong within his code. it's not unlike the body that attacks itself from the inside, where the immune system no longer holds up, but despair doesn't care who a person is... it accepts everyone with open arms, dragging them down to their lower just to ruin their lives after. hell, they don't even care what their life is at that point.
his arms cross against his legs, and the ultimate's mouth parts in a soft yawn. )
There's no permanent damage, yeah, that's good to hear.
( within himself and from what it would have done to others, he thinks if the other had truly went through it then that would have been permanent, and there's no way they could have removed his actions from that very moment. )
That was quite a number you did to yourself... I hated seeing you like that.
( it'll happen again no doubt if he's not taken care of like they did, over and over, because this won't be the first time. luckily he has someone to take care of the problem early before it wreaks havoc as hard as it did. it doesn't sit right with him, which is why he's frowning now as he leans to one side to hold himself up with his arm (the doll is on the other, so he can't lean in that direction).
he's neither shy or embarrassed, but he's calmer than most would be. maybe he's already thought about the things he wants to say, or maybe the scariest conversation was the one with nanami a long time ago so he can handle anything now.
he turns to look at him now (inspecting his countenance, getting an idea of how he feels), a small smile. )
Welcome back. ( belated, but he's not the one who laid on the ground with a questionable will to live. )
no subject
It's a blank look, revealing nothing about his thoughts, like a return to where he start. But time marches on, and so no one can ever really return to who they were before. ]
I never left.
[ Rio supposes no one liked seeing him like that, there was more than one person who expressed concern, but not liking a person doesn't mean that they've left. It's the opposite. He's always been here, recording every second, keeping a careful record, and those moments will always be there.
He's always so literal.
His eyes flick to Komaeda, and his fingers twitch, one hand curling and uncurling. There's a part of him that wonders if this isn't fake too. It shouldn't be possible, that that extensive damage shouldn't have been either. There's too many measures in place for that. But his own mind would never stray so far away from his own thoughts, and he would be able to accept it without questioning. ]
Hmm... It was major damage, but it held up well enough until the end... Well, I was bound to hit something that my system couldn't run without eventually. [ He sighs. ] Had to be a pretty ugly sight though, think anyone from that place would've lost it seeing the end result. But it was...
[ He trails off, shakes his head, and moves on, ]
You seem like you're doing better.
no subject
( or maybe he thought he did, who knows, komaeda has always been himself when it comes to these problems that he needs to fix. no matter how many times alice or nanami ask him to rest, he finds himself unable to do so. his body just wants to move because it laid down for far too long, and even in his dreams... they make things difficult for him. it's just that he doesn't want nice things, not when he's trying to make them in reality so he'd rather have sleepless days.
he keeps a smile on his face though despite how the expression beside him looks, he doesn't seem too happy. )
We never saw the end result of what you could have done.
( he was stopped before he could so things such as the end, the outcome, it's all a blur of what it could have looked like. what sort of world would he have made if he tossed his arm and killed all those individuals that did nothing for them— it'd just be randoms, certain people that hardly warrant their sympathy, but there's very few people here who take their lives to heart. it's why shin's so high strung in the first place to have that him versus the school mentality, and it's because of the natives.
as long as it did something for them— rokkun was making it everyone's problem, that means it affected their outcome and komaeda supported it, but the male beside him... who would it have done something to? despair isn't allowed to win, and so he did what he could in order to ensure that it lost. the fact that to do that was to take advantage of his partner seems... fitting, horrible considering the circumstances. )
...I had thought it was about your code, even despair can worm its way into something special as it.
( even though he was breaking down, why were those his choices? there was nothing hopeful about it, although delusional, because in the end... he would have... )
no subject
The end result surely would have caught his interest, for better or worse. Would he have solved it right away? He's not certain. It was a love letter, a final bouquet left upon his coffin. It's probably because he knows well enough how Komaeda operates that he could plan out something so gruesome, believing in earnest that it would wake him up, a feeling that was twisted and tangled up with the believe that he was right there and pulling his hand along so that he would never fall behind.
It was a red string wrapped around the two of them, keeping them bound together so neither would have to feel pain. ]
... Mm. It would have been memorable.
[ For better, for worse, it would have been permanently seared into the minds of those who saw it. That statement should be enough without the supporting details, he thinks, because a simple body count couldn't be enough to break people when there had been more than enough during his arrival. ]
The human mind doesn't construct something out of nothing, right? You get your ideas from somewhere... Hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, dreams, they're all just pulling upon and rearranging what's already there in a way that fits your current perception.
[ The list goes on too. People perceive what they wish to, leading to phenomena such as the mandela effect and false memories. It's simply more prominent in those with mental and neurological disorders. ]
An AI functions in the same way. When it's not running seamlessly, data conflates and mixes together to form a narrative that makes sense based on memories and data.
[ It was a narrative that made sense to him, one in which had a clear beginning, middle, and end. It had a defined goal, one that which was as emotional as it was logical, because who would turn down an opportunity for that which even his creators always sought? That warm, pure place that was free of all sadness and pain. ]
no subject
( just an added memory that people could forget, that's not the memory that he wishes to leave behind, is it? if there's an impression that he wants to give others, that one probably wouldn't do good for the transfers, but maybe the school could have changed from it since it would affect them more than the group (a few from the group, but no one is that attached unless they know the native). his legs cross, the heel of his shoes scraping against the wall of the roof as he listens to his partner's thought process.
if he had killed him that day, he wouldn't be here talking. there'd be no breeze brushing against both their bodies, no flap of his of his coat next to him that rings in his ears. his explanation would be muted, a silence that grows ever so stronger where komaeda sits as he's just crave to hear the other's voice, but have to accept that he's the one who did away with it. he hates liking people, making friends even though deep down inside it's something he's always wanted. it just gets to him knowing that his actions will take them away, that they won't last for him, and he even had the audacity to be someone's boyfriend.
there are others who would have done better, maybe even allowed the doll to go along with it if that was to his choosing. that wasn't the ai he knew at that moment making a decision in the right state of mind, but if he wants to accept that was a part of him too, then komaeda can't speak against it. who knows, maybe that depraved lifestyle is what he always wanted and his code restricted him access. )
What story did you create and run with? It had to be well thought out.
( it's rio, there's something in depth about his thought process, and it's intimate though logical depending on how much data had corrupted during those dark hours, and what he deleted that he didn't want anymore. it must have went down a dark cavern, dreary and with the sound of water dripping against the walls— thin and covered in darkness until someone, anyone, pulled him out the hole he was trapped in. it's only an echo chamber down below, and the only voice he has is his own... much like the mind that deteriorates, it tells you things, and desire normally wins out. )
You dislike half-assed attempts, so... what was your motive? I'm listening.
( he listened to his cries and wails then, but he couldn't do what the other asked. he'd kill komaeda if he could to continue his attempts probably because at that moment he seemed as if he didn't want to be stopped, but even now he doesn't seem to choked up that he didn't finish what he started.
it's incomplete but, it's something finished together. )
no subject
He brushes the hair out of his face. They'll get no where if he outright refuses, but he can't settle on a point to share. It's too raw and too vulnerable. Perhaps he hadn't used to paint to color his picture after all, but instead squeezed his heart as hard as he could and coated the canvas with it until there was nothing left within it, and even the empty shell had been pressed down and pinned to it.
There's too much that he would never share with anyone outside of the image created by his own mind, where those thoughts would merely echo off the wall and return to his ears. ]
... The blue bird will bring you everlasting happiness, but those are false worlds. The red bird of happiness will take you to the forever land, but in reality it's just a crushed bird in a box that's several sizes too small for it, because everlasting happiness is a joke. The white butterfly sought out paradise where who have passed on gather after losing its other half, but by the end its wings are muddied and blackened... If you remove the endings, they all sound nice.
[ He takes in a breath. There's so many stories like that, too many to name, and so much of what humans wish for is an afterlife in which they'll be rewarded for their virtue even if life is never once kind to them. ]
We talked a lot. You were there even when that was impossible. Those stories, the green light, this place, we could talk about anything any everything... We visited the same story over and over, ripping out the final pages and replacing them, but I could never seem to reach the ending of that last one.
[ Toward the end, even when he was watching those pleasant dreams. His mind stopped trying to rationalize it properly. He could look at him and still be speaking with the figure next to him, smiling and speaking of plans that were to be put in motion just hours later. He could weave intricate stories with that person, plot threads that wouldn't be possible with him alone, because without validation he would grow too lonely. He would plant himself in place until somebody came by and follow them instead.
But he wasn't. Sometimes he was simply there, sometimes he would chase him, and then he would wonder what he had been so worried for - he would always find him, and Komaeda would always reassure him. He rests his heels against the wall, drawing his knees up just enough to be able to lean forward and lock his hands around them. ]
Until one night, just a few days before you woke up, I was finally able to accept the conclusion to that story... You told me the ending...
[ He pauses there, shifting positions again, straightening himself up and looking to the side. For someone who doesn't entertain such thoughts, it's difficult to think about. He's not sure he'll be allowed to continue. It doesn't seem right that he should be. But to just state his motive would be even more ridiculous and nonsensical, and so he starts here. ]
no subject
a blue bird of happiness, a red bird in a box bloodied by its own death, and even talk of a butterfly who lost their partner. komaeda remains quiet as he does agree they sound nice if the endings are removed, but he's never let stories like that change his perception, and instead he thinks of the good that will come from it. he doesn't judge harsh, but he told rio what he would do if it ever came down to that, and even though he was caught off guard, he wanted the best for the doll next to him.
what story was komaeda hoping for?
he blinks slow, taking in the information about how he was always there but for the past two weeks or more komaeda had been asleep. there's no way he could have been with the other unless he moved him more than once, but that doesn't seem to be the case. he was placed within the neo world program, and then in the crawlspace where he moved to the location of that sinking, sickening feeling.
even during then rio thought if him? ...it's not unusual, but he must have wanted something for the both of them. )
I was there, huh?
( he should have found a other way so that he didn't leave the other alone to his own thoughts, but this takes the cake. )
It sounds like topics we'd talk about... What else did that version of me tell you?
( with his hand lifts, he wraps it around rio's wrist gently, squeezing a but to get his attention, so that they can see eye to eye. there's some concern in komaeda's eyes, they're fine now, a pale green that doesn't dare to let rio out of his sight. he's watched over him since he came back, and now he can finally engage to have a proper conversation. he knows the other must not be happy with all that's transpired, but there's some things that worry him.
he wants to refute what's wrong considering the other's downward spiral that brought him to such a drastic attempt, he has to ask. )
Look at me, Riokun.
( riokun is what komaeda calls him, he wouldn't go back to calling him ranger, but it could have been awhile since he's heard his name spoken like this. )
no subject
Children can believe in fantasies without shame because their worlds are full of magic and wonder, and it's only as they grow up and set aside childish beliefs of fairies and spirits that they grow ashamed of such ideas. The same could be said of Rio, who simply never had that capacity, ashamed and hurt without understanding why that might be.
Pale green eyes, a concerned look, the way he speaks his name. His hallucinations had been a near perfect creation, but he can see the small differences between them. In the end, his mind could only piece together what he wanted, and none of it was ever meant to be passed through his partner's lips.
No one else will address him like this, and his heart is squeezed again. ]
The black butterfly travels in search of its other half, the white butterfly. It flies day after day, all the whole being laughed at by everyone else. When it finally collapses, that is when it finds the verdant paradise. But then, the butterfly turns and returns down the path it came from. The butterfly turns its back on paradise. When it collapsed, it was atop of sand in the desert. As it lays there, dying, it opened its eyes and saw a mirage of the white butterfly. The butterfly is happy at the sight of its lover, so it dies alone in the desert.
[ He recites the ending perfectly, without a single word out of place. It's what was told to him, and it's what allowed his steps to change from quiet footsteps to a desperate sprint, to reach out his hand and grab at what he believed to be an ending that he could take with his own hands. He started to believe then that he could catch the blue bird and keep it in a cage, that he could hold it close and listened to its sweet songs and fluttering wings. ]
Laying right here in the pouring rain, coated in dirt and sometimes blood, shivering and burning up and watching glittering butterflies...
[ He lets out a small sigh, and he slowly works through the rest of what was said to him, ]
... It was the same as always. You told me that you wanted to see hope. Hope in all shades just like those flowers, hope that people can see... But it takes a myriad of individuals to bring hope to this world. That world full of dreams, and good will, and sugar and spice and everything nice... They - you - showed me something beautiful, those butterflies going "there," but we can't touch them yet, because we haven't done what's needed... If I could just show them something beautiful too...
[ Scattered and nonsensical, but making perfect sense to a fractured and broken mind pulling at bits and piecing them together into a coherent narrative. It was a mesmerizing sight, a beautiful thought, warmth and encouragement that he would never be given. It was a trial placed in front of him, and if he could just get through it, then happiness would be awaiting him at the end - and for one whose life has only been filled with survival through the deaths of others, is that really so surprising? ]
All hope comes after despair, and we're doing this together to find that place, and isn't it deserved by now? Isn't that a wonderful thing? Some place that bestows all of the treasures in the world, that can revive the dead, that can even return the love that was lost... Some place that has everything, and so it has nothing... The price for entry should be obvious, right? It's like any key, you put the door in the lock, and then you enter... Then you wake up...
[ Because there's no happiness in the land of the dead. There's no joy, no warmth, because such concepts don't need to exist where there's neither loss nor strife. It's a fitting tale for a person who might have been content to merely have peace in a silent, empty world. It's a fitting dream for a doll that admires human concepts so, that knows everything but a heart and blood and history, all of those things which make a human what they are.
He blinks, and it's even harder to organize his thoughts from there. He doesn't specify the price for entry, nor does he go into each detail of his plan - that will come in time, but it's not the point right now, not when it should be obvious. It would be a red stained carpet that sunk the key in, and he would only need to damage those core components that keep him running before he could fall into it. A beautiful, wonderful sight, and he has the distinct sense that it wasn't entirely wrong.
Something that massive, something that overt and fantastical at a time when there were just the slightest hints of change - ah, yes, it would have led to something, but he can no longer say what that might have been.
Rio draws in a breath, concluding that side of the story, ]
But it's no good if there's no risk, right? Miracles like that aren't free, you know, and they aren't created by guaranteed wins... [ He closes his eyes briefly before opening them again. Even those of ASUNARO were like that, constantly willing to risk everything for their desires despite their penchant for survival, ] You have to be willing to put everything at stake... So then, I made a bet...
[ And what could that have been...? ]
no subject
there's something magical about the white butterfly in general that they don't know much of, but that the black butterfly's partner was worth it enough for it to turn away from paradise, and except the mirage. seeing as that chance was right before the creature's grasp, isn't odd for him to turn away? it's a depressing story hearing that it never reached paradise, and now those dirty wings have become covered in sand so that it could no longer fly either after exhuastion.
it makes him wonder why did the black butterfly turn away from paradise, there was no one to stop it, and if he compares ranger to it... they lived two separate lives. if he had to guess, that quick last minute rejection must have been the butterfly terrified of entering, that it's no longer the butterfly the white one woukd recognize, and so the love that it shared wouldn't be the same, and the white butterfly would no longer accept it. yet, that so called "paradise" was always in rio's hands because the white butterfly never left. )
A mirage comes and go, and you need to be at your worst to see it... There's no way you'd be satisfied with just that.
( maybe that's not the best argument for an ai when it could be said what he saw is no different then his own modified version of one that stands in for komaeda. rio has been through a lot, he shows his imagination that's raw, pouring with blood that covers his hands and actions. it had gotten to the point that he decided he wanted a happier place, a golden land that he could live in with the people he wants; where he's accepted and thought about, and komaeda hasn't seen him in such a long time aside from the corner of his eyes.
he releases the doll's wrist, lifting his organic and prosthetic hand to place on the male's cheek, forcing him to stare in one direction and that's towards himself. his expression wan and eyes muted in color, for a moment they downcast to stare at where he believes the hope fragment would settle against rio's chest before looking up to meet his gaze. )
You've worked hard here to make something out of it, to figure out to expand the world... how to push over our tank into the ocean... paradise is what you make it, Riokun. ...Something would have came from that, but what hope is there if you're gone and not there to witness it...? I don't want to bet on your happiness, I want to... to guarantee it.
no subject
It's difficult to know what ending he wanted, whether it was to wake up from this daydream called life or simply to hear the words he is now, but it's certainly because he made that bet that he's able to stare into those dull green eyes and feel the touch of cool hands on his skin. He had been stopped, the canister rolled away from him, and those kids in the room are living their lives oblivious to what had almost occurred.
He reaches his hand up to place it over Komaeda's own, and the thought that this might be the mirage once more occurs to him. There's no need to seek out happiness when hope can be created regardless off changing moods and states of mind. Maybe he had lost, and this last week is nothing more than his failing system offering him a happier ending. Maybe he's following him despite being told not to.
But he doesn't think so. If they were were the words he wanted to hear, it wouldn't hurt nearly so much. His fingers tremble a little, and he blinks several times to clear his vision. There's so many ways he should refute that claim - his attempts at killing him, his attempts at protecting him, his efforts to offer a target and force change, but the words all die in his throat.
None of that was what he really wanted. His dreams aren't that small, not so narrow and limited. They no longer can be now that he's been presented with the idea of an ocean outside of his fish tank, with a world outside of the well if he were just to find a way to climb up its edges.
But more than anything, what he wants is what Komaeda is offering him. ]
... Really? Aha... I don't need a place like that, because we'll build it up here, huh...? We can build up our own happiness, and our own world...
[ Those words are quiet and a little pained, accompanied by a complicated expression, but his features start to soften as he considers the idea. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant. It would be enough to just have a peaceful life with a normal amount of happiness. If his partner is there with him, then it's possible. ]
I want that too.
[ A beat. ]
And that's why... I believed you would stop me.
[ He had bet his life on that, on the possibility that neither of them would have to die. If he were to dig deep down beneath all the supporting evidence and corresponding benefits and reasons, he finds that's what it is. He had believed that Komaeda would wake up, that he would stop him, that some miracle could occur where they wind up like this. He'd hesitated and waited, and waited, and waited, until finally he started to think he wasn't coming, until finally his wish could be granted.
If he hadn't at least been able to hope for that, they wouldn't be having this conversation. ]
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( that hand over his own remains rested upon a fragile, but cold surface. that gloved hand doesn't slip though for rio to touch his own face. his thoughts couldn't create something tangible, but his imagination managed to fill in the gaps so far and now he has to find a other way to prove the difference.
his doppelganger's argument was sound, opaque even when spoken to someone lost in their own head for certain desires. rio's susceptible to these problems as well, just like anyone else which must make the aftermath just as new to him. komaeda's thumb brushes against his cheek, listening with a smile as he hears the other out.
he could reject rio's thoughts, say something like he's not meant to join in a miraculous world where the commonfolk make their dreams possible through the concept of hope, where they walk in line, hand in hand so they can finally live without fear. if they cower, that's their own lack of confidence, but they should have control... it was given to them, and now they have that chance. )
I won't let you throw it away when you're so close, you worked too hard just to leave it all behind.
( there's no finish, there's always a constant state of movement — rio can only go forward, and that throw would have sent him backwards despite the world continues to spin, or the waves above continuously ebb and flow at the moon's whims. )
You've pushed, and pushed and kept your head looking forward... that's why I want you to believe me when I say that...
( komaeda keeps his eyes on the other as he thinks about everything that's happened so far, and then down to the other's neck too. he could have did it at that very moment, broke whatever connection the system has to rio's database, but he didn't. he didn't leave him alone to that fate to suffer alone, as his partner, he's supposed to accompany him too. he exhales, the taste of blood still on his tongue as he swallows down to find what words he wishes to convey. )
That world will be built by our hands, aha... I'm sorry for leaving you all alone, now we can continue together...
( as he says it, he can feel an uncomfortable wave of tension wash over him. eyes darting from left to right, his hold onto rio's hand because a steady grip replaced onto the male's shoulders to keep him on place... if he can hold onto him, nothing will happen, he won't crumble or fall over.
ah, how terrifying... )
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But such a world can only exist in the dreams of humans. It's a place one can visit for but a few hours before being returned to reality, and so his shoulders sink down as hands are placed upon them. He could have spared Komaeda from the pain of living and loving alike would have been to modify the code of the Neo World Program in such a way that his dream could last for eternity, but his selfishness allowed that opportunity to slip away.
He might apologize if the recepient would undersstand it, but humans must lie to themselves in order to cope with the unforgiving reality waiting for them at the end of their dreams by pretending that it's something more than a happiness created via artificial means. It's a warm blanket in the cold winter winds that blow through the holes and shattered windows of their house. It's only those of ASUNARO who understand that it's all the same when emotions are nothing more than chemicals. ]
You can't throw everything away for a place that doesn't exist... But we both came back, so it's fine.
[ They can agree on those points. Rio returned from his delusions, Komaeda from his dreams, and reality greeted each of them in turn. The weight on his shoulder and subtle shifts in expression reassure him, but it's the words that promise him the person before him is real. He would understand that Nagito Komaeda isn't one who wishes to build up a world with him, and he would never make him apologize for his actions when it would mean acknowledging the poisonous jealousy that fester beneath the surface. He knows better than to expect one.
He draws in a deep breath instead, unable to find the right words when presented with such a tempting yet frightening offer. It'll never be the world either of them wish for, but it could be one built up by them, and Rio could find comfort in that. It might be as close as he can come to dreaming. His fingers curl at his side, and his head dips before lifting back up. He remains still as he imagines one possible future after another - some happy, some sad, but all containing both of them. They're all futures that are better than the present. ]
... Is that really what you want?
[ It's his belief in those words that leads to that uncertain question. It's giving him the opportunity to take it back. ]
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he wants a lot of things that are unspoken, and he can never tangibly have. those desires hardly exist, and sometimes he can make them up in his head like a tune, or even a story if he's left to his own thoughts. these bits and pieces of creativity frighten him to no end, because once they become real, what should he do? he has to protect them from himself and despair, anything that might threaten to impose on what he can finally say is his, and take it away. his hand searches for the other's, fingers slipping through the gaps so he can hold onto rio firmly; that way he can't go anywhere.
how many times can he hold him so that he stays without worrying that just the slightest movement will send him turning away. his grasp tightens a little more as he finally remembers the touch of fabric beneath his fingers, his thumb brushes against the inside of his palm, and there's a small frown. it's been awhile, and yet, rio's as warm as he's always been. )
...I missed you.
( his dreams aren't reality, that happiness is there but that isn't meant for him. that's not what he wants (a lie), but what he would rather have that he can touch, that he can embrace happens to be... )
I wanted to see you again, Riokun. I didn't want you to lose this place.
( because rio ranger is so used to being a lightening rod, and he doesn't have to be. he can be part of the people, he can enjoy what he made, and smile around the people that he cares for. there's no need to throw him out for the happiness of others, komaeda has done it already without that being his role... building up their distrust and frustration on him, where it feeds into rio intravenous is something komaeda's willing to cut; yank it out if he must.
rio doesn't bleed, so nothing but unknown fluid will pour on the floor... but that's fine, he'll find a different lifeline for him— one that doesn't hurt him anymore. there's a brief moment where he pulls at the ai's arm, wanting him closer as komaeda's voice lower so it's only spoken between them.
so much happened in his sleep, so much could have been different had he been awake, and he left rio to this all alone. his partner who worked with what he had left, and it was unfair knowing that theres nothing they should do alone. he can trace a finger against the other's ring finger to search for if the accessory is there, or he can look towards rio's chest for a fragment... is it still there, did he cast it away, did he...?
if he did, some things stay the same... stagnant as ever as komaeda settles his forehead against rio's. something wedges in his heart, a fear, a concern... something that always comes up when he's in conversation with the other. it terrifies him, but because he feels this way must mean he feels strongly about it. komaeda swallows down the taste of blood, clearing his throat as a small smile briefly settles onto his face.
if this fear is so overwhelming that he feels that his heart may stop, then he'd be happy with the outcome. )
I want you to know... ( he carries on, keeping his hand in rio's to squeeze just a bit. it's him finding his words this time, repeating himself because he's sure of this. ) I want you to know I'm sorry.
( he sounds apologetic even though he can smile when saying this, for going off on his own, for leaving his fate ambiguous... for leaving rio alone. things like what he wants... he wonders if this is asking for too much, if such courage is reckless at this very moment. )
...And that I want us to have something together because... I love you.
( he has someone to say those words to, a string of letters that he never thought leave from his lips. he would do anything else to keep a person safe than to confess his feelings. it's that same feeling as to why he did what he had before to keep rio alive, and... maybe because he wants this to be requited. even if it's not, it's a love he knows well and is comfortable with unlike the other.
he doesn't lose in the end, all he does is love, and he'll love rio ranger for as long as he can. )
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It's cruel of him to keep him so close while offering up promises and apologies that are at once dulcet and painful. He is a masterwork and a doll with a heart, at once an irreplaceable creation and a tool to be freely disposed of. Komaeda left him just not for lack of options but of his own accord, and wore a smile despite the hole in his throat. It was an answer to his wishes. Deep down Rio has always known what he was looking for, but he had turned a blind eye to it until the light was shined in his eyes and left them burning with is brightness.
His eyes burn now too, heat collecting behind the with each sickening reminder of everything that had occurred and how easily it might have been avoided, and of how little it all matters. He doesn't want an apology now, that can only allow dehiscence to tear open the wounds that had just been stitched up. His organs will spill out, his entrails pulled out bit by bit before being stuffed full of sweet dreams, his heart dropped into a box and set in his lap for the other to find wrapped up with cute ribbon.
He hates it, hates this, hates the person who he blames for all this, and he hates himself most of all. He couldn't prevent it from occurring, nor keep him from waking up. He couldn't bring himself to lock him away in a cage where he could only tweet behind the bars, nor drop him into a little slice of the ocean that he could mistake for being the entire world. It would have been better to tie him up with a blood red string than to leave him to feel pain and joy alike - what he thinks he wants doesn't matter when those of ASUNARO know better.
He would have accepted any consequences for this actions. This place is also the village of Omelas, after all, and he would even accepted the resentment of the person before him in turn. It would have been far less frightening for one who was coded with everything but happiness and love. The words of those days had been sharper than any blade, weighing upon him as much as the jacket on his shoulders, one which still faintly carries his boyfriend's scent.
He blinks several times to clear his vision as the world starts to blur before him. His mind clouds, his teeth clench, and his grip grows tight enough to be uncomfortable but not quite painful. Those words of love are sweet confections that stick in his throat and chokes out all his words until all that escapes is an almost inaudible whimper. But the words were always on the tip of his tongue, and he should have said them before the end despite there being no one to say them to. After some seconds that lasts for an eternity, he finally finds his voice, ]
I love you too... I love you, so I wanted to share it with you...
[ It might have been love or paradise, hope or despair, but in the end it was none of those things. It was what all humans seek, what ASUNARO would strive to make a reality. Something cracks, and he's not quite aware of the way his body trembles. His cheeks warm, then cool as a hot liquid trails down them. ]
But change and and happiness aren't free, you know. You have to take it, you have to be willing to do anything to get it! But there's not a single person who will, so it's always just the same worthless holding pattern. So what was I supposed to do?
[ Those old familiar feelings spill out one by one as the wound reopens. It's not enough to wish or even to act, a person has to be willing to throw every other future and part of their being in order to secure the one they wish for. That's what he had done, but it was too little and too late.
He loves him, and he can never forget that feeling, so he couldn't accept that. ]
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but he didn't.
komaeda didn't, back then he wouldn't give up and that's why people find him so annoying, he's more motivated than many when it comes to learning a person, trying to understand them, and that's why he knows that leaving rio like he did weighed heavy. they're partners, they were never meant to be separated to that degree, and komaeda should have exposed his location, or at least gave a head's up. something to reassure him, and yet, he played selfishly. rio's feelings and his tears, they shed due to not being happy with komaeda's choices, and he knows.
that led rio to find something to keep him going, a happiness that he understood in the same vein as komaeda's actions— they both wanted something, and would do anything to see it through. he inhales, eyes closed while brushing his thumb across rio's cheeks with the wetness coating the pad of his finger. it's unfortunate that he's crying at the moment as the sun makes them look like pearls, but they aren't meant to be good things. he brushes his thumb against his index, smoothing the liquid against his skin to check the substance. oil? water? is it salty? there's so many questions that come to his mind all because he's never seen rio do this before. )
You wanted me to come with you, and made a bet that I'd wake up... that means you did everything that you needed to do. Ahaha... are you satisfied with this outcome?
( rio always mentions being satisfied as if that's how he decides whether he's happy with it or not, as for komaeda who saved add from dying by his own double— komaeda was the one to pull out his heart and swallow it, and that's what kept him alive in the end. he's not disappointed in the least, because if he shows any signs of depression, regret, then... then he'll hear a mouthful. he leans to one side where nothing will ground them but a fall, and the collision with the ground, but he doesn't think to push them over, yet. )
Love is... painful isn't it? You'll do anything for what you love. Acting out of love... that was the only thing you could do. I know! I've killed myself once for what I love and believed, and I said I'd do it again... and again... and again.
( that's the type of person he is who would go that far in order to have what he wants, and it's always for someone else and never himself. living is miserable despite having people in his life, but it's terrifying when they'll go away, and when they'll get angry at him because they can't understand his methods. he thinks his head hurts a little bit watching someone cry, and he realizes that it hurts his chest— it's tight and uncomfortable seeing rio cry in front of him over this. )
Mm... now you can do other things out of love, unless... you can't take it anymore. Love is terrifying, but I'll always love you even if you've had your fill.
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The truth is that love is painful. It's the instrument that broke him open and caused hot tears, made up with layers of water and mucus and oils just as a humans should be, to spill out and soak his face. There's no reason for his eyes to be moist and for his breath to hitch when there are none who would do the same for him. But he thinks it might have been easier to have a claw sink through synthetic skin and bone, wires and mechanics, than to hear those words. That pain would only last for a moment.
ASUNARO's creation was never meant to live a life in which he was lifted up and dropped down over and over. He was born into a closed circle, and no matter how much time might pass that place and those within it would always be his anchor. It was a complete circle that had been broken by coming to a place where people come and go in the blink of an eye, and that must be why those foolish sobs escaped him now as they had as he laid on the floor with a bag over his head.
He closes his eyes, and his hand reaches up to brush his fingertips over the back of Komaeda's hand before resting over it and letting his cheek lean into that touch. It's hard to say how he feels. It's heartache without a distinct source, but he knows that he could have ignored all of it if not for the words spoken to him. It's how unfair it all is even if he can't pin down why that might be before settling on that it must be the feeling in and of itself.
It takes a few tries for him to speak before he can steady his breathing and murmur an answer to his question, ]
I'm satisfied... You would have solved it, right? You would have figured it out...
[ He would have understood why in the end. It was to be a bouquet of flowers placed upon his lover's coffin, an offering of his heart in the form of red decorations and delightful treats. It was he one and only time that he could offer his life for that feeling. ]
I did everything because I love you, so I could be loved by you, because I want to be with you when things come together and even when they fall apart... Nothing's changed since then.
[ There were other reasons mixed in, but it had been built upon such a simple wish, and what a terrifying wish it is. It was no doubt the same for Komaeda. He takes in a deep, steadying breath and finally adds, ]
I believe you... I want us to build up a world together, one where we can be together.
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it's the tears. komaeda doesn't deal with them much, but it seems to be a constant reaction in his life. he's seen so many people cry for their loved ones, for themselves, just to do so, and that means these tears aren't unfamiliar, but they are. he's never seen rio cry face to face, the sobbing in the burlack sack was one he didn't get to visually see, but those sobs were hysteric mixed with fear.
these tears are sad, they're from an angle that he's not use to with him. rio ranger has always kept his composure, but this place has weighed on him— every death, every murder, every time there's something that goes wrong... this must not have happened back home. it makes komaeda wonder if he had not woke up, if he had allowed it to happen, would rio be happy.
he thinks these things at the moment because maybe wherever he went, he wouldn't cry. he's heard what the sea is like when people wait in the tree— lonely, silent, waiting. is it, really? when there's so many people around waiting too? maybe rio could have came back in a different timeline where it wasn't a problem, he could find his village and more.
now... )
I would have. I don't doubt myself to figure out mysteries... Nanami-san told me I was in the Neo World Program for a bit, and that I was moved... she'd have no reason to, but you would.
( if he was left in that dream would he have woke up? what would he be able to stop then? he doesn't think about it as he removes his hand from rio's face and eyes the residue leftover, his fingers rubbing it into his own skin. it's just like a human's. )
To myself I would think you deserve better, Riokun. That day with the laptop... I told you that bad things happen around me. If I could have saved you from all of this, then I would have. Good luck, bad luck... no one really thinks about how love affects that.
( komaeda sure didn't and that's why he gave rio the option to let this romance of theirs go. to be happy with someone else, to have an option that's better than komaeda. he won't do it though, and why does that make komaeda smile in this conversation. maybe tsumiki was right, things are different when you have someone to love.
is this love? he's afraid of that title for him, but he holds it out on a silver platter wondering if rio will keep it, and he did. )
...I want to do right by you. My will to live isn't the best, but I know my heart is full of you. Some days, it counters that pathetic side of me, and gives me hope to at least see the final days with you.
( maybe that's why he's still here now. )
ari wisdom: n bbbbbbbbbnjnm ./; n bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb;'///////////////////////////////////////klooo
It was to show him what he desired most of all, a hope that would wash away despair; it was resentment and spite, hurt and confusion that could be washed away with a flick of his wrist; it was to wake up those around them to the reality that their own inaction was the poison killing them, and no one would ever argue with him and call it a worthless effort ever again. Most of all it was a love letter to be read and understood by him alone.
He hadn't thought about how love would effect it either. It had torn apart his fragile heart, it had anchored him in place as much as it had encouraged his motions, forced him to wait just long enough to be rewarded. It made him want to share the same poison with him, to die by the same gun, and it left him unable to do so. He wants to talk to him about that dream he'd watched, a place where he could live and love without the fear of pain, but it would be cruel to do so. Neither can live in the world of their dreams.
He scrubs his face with the back off his sleeve, sniffling as the tears slow, then slips both arms around Komaeda's arm instead, locking their elbows with one and placing the opposite hand on it, taking care as he leans against him and rests his head on his shoulder. He looks at the red blooming below. There's no such thing as sending a person to heaven. ]
I read once that heaven has everything but happiness... If it doesn't have happiness, it must not have love either.
[ Because one can't have love without all of those feelings that spurred him on. It's difficult for him to understand now, but he knows what's built up in his heart - a happiness and hope that leaves him full to burst, a deep sorrow and fear that grab it and squeeze it painfully, petty frustration and so much more. People say it's the pinnacle of the human experience, and that seems right when it encompasses every single emotion at once. He angles his head so that he turn his gaze up to see his expression. Good luck, bad luck, but it must have been love that spared both of them.
If he can give and receive that emotion, would he finally qualify as human? It's close enough for him to be able to be close to another person like this, to touch them and care for them. Rio searches for the right words, the right language to use to put his feelings into words. What is it that humans say...? ]
... You save me every day. From the very first day that I met you, you've always found ways to keep me from making mistakes... Guess it hasn't always felt that way, but sometimes you gotta make a small mistake to avoid making a bigger one down the line... I made a couple smaller ones so I could learn to trust you.
[ He tugs one glove off as he speaks, removing his hand for a moment to tuck it into his pocket before placing it back on Komaeda's arm. His skin is soft, and when he slides it down to touch his hand, he finds it comforting rather than frightening. His vision blurs as a few more tears slip out, and he blinks them away... Even though he's so happy to hear those words. ]
Sorry... I didn't done the same.
[ That must be why there's this sinking feeling mixed in, something painful that eats away at his heart. In the end, he had done nothing to stop it from happening. It's completely illogical, nothing about it makes sense when he was always so sensitive to small things (and nothing occurring then could be called a small thing,) but maybe there was already a glitch in the system by then. But he hadn't after either. He could have locked Komaeda in a coffin and crawled in with him, he could have kept him safe for the rest of time, or he could have made every effort to wake him up. He could have done anything other than committing to nothing at all. What had that accomplished save harming him further?
He hates all of them, but himself most of all. ]