(may catch-all) the cool kids table, but rika's the only cool kid

[unsurely]

‣ WHO: Shuichi Saihara & a bunch of people!
‣ WHEN: All throughout May.
‣ WHERE: Various locations.
‣ WHAT: Catch-all for May starters.
‣ WARNINGS: Just mild NDRV3 & SDR2 spoilers so far, subject to change.

◦ ◦ ◦

Tfw neither you nor like half of everyone you have plans with top-level, so this happens. I'm using this to write starters for people based on stuff we discussed beforehand. No open prompts, but if you want something specific with me or Saihara during May, I'm still up for that and you're free to throw a starter in here!

Alternately, hit me up via Plurk at garlemald or contact me on Discord at Rina#8760 whenever to discuss.

Comments

[unsurely]

[ What...? Was that part of the hallucinations too? It has to have been, because the moment he refocuses after rubbing his eyes for the thirtieth time this evening, the red he could have sworn he was seeing in place of Komaeda's eyes is gone. It does give him pause though, causing Saihara to linger in the doorway for longer than he'd intended, hand hesitant to leave the handle as he casts a shadow across the floor.

Something's wrong. ]

Him...?

[ Considering everything, it wouldn't be too surprising if Komaeda was hearing or seeing something too. At least it does wonders at returning Saihara's own sense of reality to him for the moment, while his eyes scour the room just in case. He finds it... unsurprisingly, empty of anyone else. ]

What... are you talking about?

[ Even as he asks it, the sense of dread that makes his heart skip a beat in his chest says he shouldn't have. Even as he takes his first step into the room, freeing the door to swing closed behind him at last, the way he almost holds his breath sends a shiver down his spine, seeming to scream at him that he's made a bad choice. He should be running away instead. He shouldn't be... trying to address this, whatever it is.

But he's seen it. And now that he has, he can't just... look away and leave Komaeda to it. ]

[commences]

( that'll be a bridge they'll cross later in the future is what this instance should be, but it's unfortunate that saihara had to visit komaeda of all people. that friendly air that normally surrounds him is lacking within their closed vicinity, and it's ominous with how silent komaeda remains. as for someone who likes to explain their thoughts and ideals, the joy he gets from spinning around his words and pulling others into his little whims for hope — should he really be this quiet? )

Who.

( it's hardly audible, but it's easy to tell that komaeda's offended by the other's naivety, especially when someone important is here in this room. it's not "what," but "who." they've always valued this specific blessing, and even if other's haven't, the ultimate has gone out his way to instill it into others. saihara will be no different, he's no different, because that "blessing" is why they're all here in the first place, what has brought them into this predicament. )

Is it that hard for you to understand, Saihara-kun...

( there isn't much of an explanation behind it, well, not one komaeda's really willing to give on his own. he contemplates for a moment, his head turning every so often to look back in that one lone corner. he stares for a moment, sighing afterwards, before turning back properly towards saihara. sliding off the desk, the metal chain to his attire scrapes along the surface to signal that he's moving. his shoes connect with the surface of the floor, and komaeda stands properly as he slips his hands into the pockets of his jacket. )

"Open your eyes." ( he takes one step forward. ) That's what they've kept telling us.

( he pauses, thinking, yes, this is obviously what they meant. though, komaeda doesn't understand how wrong he is, but that's what happens when you're too caught up by self-righteous thoughts. )

It was to prepare us for this.

[unsurely]

...What?

[ He doesn't miss it, this time. He was too confused when he'd just walked in, too taken aback by the surprise of finding the other in a worse state than expected -- but it keeps repeating now, so there's no way he'd keep failing to notice it. Discreetly, Saihara's own eyes follow the trail of where Komaeda had been looking, to the predictably empty corner between two desks by the window. If someone had been standing there... he supposes they'd be looking outside, perhaps, towards the last vestiges of the setting sun.

But... wouldn't that mean they'd have their back to Komaeda in the first place? Actually, that sounds about right for these visions. ]

No... it wasn't. Your eyes aren't open at all right now. None of ours are.

[ He doesn't know how he finds the strength to say it, but somehow, he's more sure of it than he's been of anything in a long time. Or maybe it's just the part of him that can't accept the fact his friends would say those things -- who wants them desperately to be wrong and untrue, because he's weak and if they weren't... he might break. Who's to say, after all, that the more distant those memories get as he's stuck in this place, it isn't his assessments that dull and lose their weight? Maybe whatever this is... is the truth instead.

...No!

Damn it. He's been through too much by their side to be thinking like this. He shouldn't be doubting to this extent. ]

I... I can prove it.

[ He shakes his head to clear the haze, looking up at Komaeda for a second before he turns, and instead of meeting him halfway he walks past, around a different desk he reflexively puts between them. A shield, so that Komaeda can't stop him, can't reach him in time. There is clumsiness in his steps -- from a multitude of things; he's exhausted, he's still half-confused, he's still getting his bearings. But there isn't hesitation.

They carry him to the spot Komaeda had been looking at so fervently, and he plants himself there with a firmness he didn't even know he was capable of, before turning. ]

Think about it. If there was really someone here... would I be able to stand where I am?

hm... im sorry its long

[commences]

( again, "what?" it's a shame, really, that every time komaeda explains, saihara responds in kind that he's not listening. it's embarrassing, almost like he's being mocked, but to watch the other make a fool of himself in such a manner is disheartening. even komaeda's heart hurts in disappointment, and he thought quite high of the other, maybe he still has a ways to go. he's young, unlike komaeda, there's a difference between them in being ultimates, and that's because with his own title, there are sins the remnant carries from his past crimes. though, he doesn't know what the other may carry, nor how much weight looms on his shoulders, eats away at his thoughts.

and so he watches as the other passes by him, placing a barrier between them so he's unable to follow. komaeda, in fact, does follow saihara's messy steps, but he can only move so far with the desk in place. his hands settle down on the surface, the tips of his fingers pressing in anticipation as he waits. he inhales deeply, eyes glancing off to the floor for a moment's reprieve before he slowly lifts them in the direction of where the ultimate detective stands, how the light from outside illuminates him only a bit. it's damning to be so bold, to think that someone could stand in his place with such a statement that no one is there. in a way, it's like saihara is figuring out ways to state that komaeda's judgement is wrong. )

That's a poor assessment you've come to, Ultimate Detective.

( komaeda hasn't called him wrong since they've met, he's always said uplifting things exclaiming that the other was right. though, maybe this is one of those instances that saihara has always searched for? ) You've always wanted to be proven wrong, is that what you want from me...? ( it feels like everything he's said so far is a waste, and the amount of time he's put into his thoughts — no, no. he shouldn't think that way either, especially when he's here. )

There is... what I love. ( and when he says that, who knows if he truly knows the proper concept, especially with how loose that term can go — everyone has questioned his definitions for as long as he's been here. saihara may possibly do the same, but that doesn't matter to komaeda because in the end there's one thing that sticks out to him. he leans forward, over the desk as a hand raises to point at the youth in his secluded corner — ) "Hope," as it still stands.

( whether he means the hallucination that's gotten him this far or saihara in general, ah yes, it would be the latter. he's said it before that the other was a representation when it came to being a "symbol of hope," and he believes that to his core. he may not be ultimate hope, but he is a form of it in general, and komaeda has never been one to cast away hope when it's right before him. )

Benevolent beings that will bring this world out of its darkness, shining, sparkling rays of light...

( komaeda doesn't linger, instead, he brings his elbows against the desk's surface, and he settles his chin against the top of his own entwined fingers. despite how he refutes, he doesn't seem to mind if the other gives a proper comeback, but what he's trying to convey is that — everything is right on his end. it's all about hope with him, and he couldn't think of a world that lacks it — ) Are you afraid to accept it? ( he questions, finally talking to saihara rather than just at him, because if he answers anything, komaeda expects it to be this. )

What's being said to you, not from me...

( his mechanical hand lifts up, a soft whirr as he points at his own head, tapping it a few times at the temple. )

But... in there. ( he laughs softly. ) Embrace it. ( that distinct silence, the lack of interest that comes from his hallucination has always been that way, and so to komaeda, he speaks like it's normal. well, to him it is. ) Especially when they're things we already know.

[unsurely]

[ In there...? He follows the gesture with his gaze, an increasing level of subtle distress on his features. Damn it, why doesn't Komaeda see it!? When Saihara's lips part to talk, it comes out like he's pleading, almost. ]

That's... precisely the point, Komaeda-kun. It's because they're all things that we'd think of -- that should be all the proof you need in the first place. Other people don't... so conveniently follow your expectations.

[ Or well, debatable if it's convenient in this case, but at least...

If these were truly the voices of others, they'd be able to recite things that they haven't thought of, too. They wouldn't just be echoing their own fears, their own worries, their own knowledge back at them with no change. Granted, this wasn't as easy to convince himself of a few moments ago when it was happening to him, but... now that he's explaining it to someone else, it makes sense. And the other has to be able to follow that logic too, right? No matter how difficult it is when the things that matter most are being used against you. When your own mind is against you. ]

...It's just physically impossible. You know that, right? If whoever you're seeing had been standing here for real, I wouldn't be able to occupy the same space. There's... there's no one here. It's just me.

[ Stepping forward once he's made his point on that, he reaches forward with a hand. It's hesitant at first, unsure, and in the middle for a moment he looks like he might draw it back after all. But in the end, he grasps at Komaeda's sleeve and lets his fingers wrap around the other's wrist, tugging it from that spot against his temple. He doesn't want to sound dismissive though, so no matter how hard it is... he points an earnest look upwards, trying to make their eyes meet. ]

Whoever you're hearing is just your imagination. There's nobody talking to you. I know, because it's been happening to me too. There's... something wrong with us, and if we're going to figure out what... we have to keep a clear head.

[commences]

...It's the same.

( the tone he takes is that of someone who understands, having acknowledged every word that's left pass saihara's lips in order to help him better accept what's happening around them. if what he's seeing is what he thinks, then it should all make sense as to what's going on? along with the example offered, this can make everything more concrete for komaeda's state of mind, and allow him a path to reach the same conclusion as the detective. whoever can see his reasoning as valid points would definitely allow this to sway their judgement, but komaeda has his reservations still. if words aren't enough to pull him from his thoughts, the grasp around his wrist does less (but he allows movement since he's giving him a chance to explain himself). once achieved on his end, komaeda instead pulls it to himself so that he can guide saihara closer, even if it's to lean his upper body across the desk if able. )

What's being said isn't wrong. ( he focuses on that first and foremost since it's a problem, if saihara is going through the same reality — yes, reality, because this is not an issue to him, and so he'll help the other think the same. hopefully whatever the detective came in here to talk to him about can be put on hold for now, this is pretty important, especially with how urgent the topic feels. because of how serious it is, the topic should be easily accepted by the detective — it's the truth, after all. )

But... you're afraid of accepting that...

( squinting his eyes, his brows knit together in slight annoyance, his voice is judgmental wondering if he should apply saihara's logic from before against himself, maybe he's not really here, and is possibly someone else? besides, komaeda believes the voices more than what's being said to him out of saihara's own lips. it's been long enough, he thinks, for his attempt of wiggling his wrist out of saihara's grasp. )

Jeez... I didn't expect the Ultimate Detective to be so naive. ( finally, he realizes, and a sigh leaves pass his lips as he glances off to the side so he can't meet his gaze. ) There's something wrong with you. ( isn't his profession about seeing understanding the facts of how they work, and figuring out the truth, the concept behind a detective isn't that hard to understand. what is... happens to be seeing saihara reject what's being told to them, inside their head or out, it's all right — yes, komaeda doesn't understand that some are plagued worse than him, and others don't know that komaeda is used to this behavior from the person that he's seeing. what everyone views negative is a positive to him, and so he handles it very well as so. )

[unsurely]

...!?

[ Being yanked forward surprises him, and honestly Komaeda won't have trouble when he frees his wrist, because Saihara's grip loosens absently from the need to focus on his balance instead. His knee hits the leg of the desk with a noise, a jolt of pain through his body before he can settle his other hand on the surface, locking himself in place. In all honesty, around the same time as the other withdraws, he's also letting go, so he can hesitate for a second before pulling back.

Coupled with the way Komaeda looks away... it isn't so difficult to interpret what's going on, is it? No matter how you look at it... he's putting distance between them. He's pushing Saihara away. ]

You don't... even know what's being said in my case, do you? So how can you decide if it's wrong or not?

[ That bothers him. He isn't hearing or seeing whatever Komaeda was, himself, so most likely the opposite is true too. And yet, based only on the nature of whatever he's experiencing, Komaeda's decided already that whatever Saihara is must be true. That his fears... his worries, the things he hates about himself the most, are all true. And maybe they are. But that's exactly the point -- the people you care for, who care for you in return, wouldn't say things like those. As much as he fears that they would... he knows them better than that.

And yet he's the one getting called naive? Drawing back, he feels his own fingers dig nervously into his palms as they curl by his side. Instead of the nervous sheen of sweat he expected, however, they just feel cold -- cold and on the verge of trembling. ]

If I'm so naive as you're saying... then prove it. Tell me... who you're seeing.

[ He won't like it, he knows. But he needs to hear it. ]

[commences]

It's obvious what's being said... things you're afraid of admitting to yourself.

( the silence that comes from him is well-known, the person that he's seeing, but saihara's voice breaks it every time. he doesn't understand the tone that he carries at this point, the fact he's trying to prove something, or someone that doesn't need to be proven. in the end, he exists, and everything he says is right, no matter what it is. to think that trash like komaeda is taking this better than saihara, he does have trouble accepting things that are said about him — he's noticed it. )

You call yourself an "apprentice," when that's not all that you are... so you probably reject the honest words that are being said to you as well... ( give him a moment as he brings a hand to his chin, stroking it in thought. ) ...Have you always been a coward?

( denying one's talent is denying one's hope, and that sort of weakness paints a vivid picture about how komaeda should view the ultimates around him. it's hard to tell whether komaeda's mad at him or just strictly pities. though, his rambling leads him to where? an opening meant for him from saihara's own curiosity, and it almost feels like it's too good to be true. )

Prove it...

( it leaves from his mouth confused that he'd say such a thing, and he's almost lost as he repeats the phrase under his breath again. that's no good, that's actually no good, and rather than fretting over it, his eyes manage to lift from where they were to stare at the other. ) What point is there proving someone that exists, even you should know that... ( that irritation he had moments ago instantly disappears, his lips pulling into a smile as he laughs softly. how does he put up with such constant stupidity like this everywhere that he goes? his hands settle on the surface of the desk that saihara placed between them, and he leans forward excited. )

Don't you think about him every chance that you get...? Ah... that must be sad if not...

( his voice hitches, and as for his smile, it seems to tremble — like he's unable to contain himself as he proceeds to slide the desk to the side, out of his way. ) I'll tell you about him because that's probably why you're here in the first place... ( he takes a step forward, eyes locked onto the other to see if he'll move away, and what other reason would saihara had stood in the same spot where he did? he can feel him too, right? that overwhelming hope, his talent that steps over their own... even though it's only in komaeda's head, he remembers that feeling. )

He's the only person that matters, and to think he's visited me... ( ah, no, that's too presumptious, that rides too much importance on his person. ) Graced us... aren't we lucky? To bask in his radiance... in his hope... this is an experience, so it's best that you show your respect, or do you lack that along with confidence?

( he lifts his right hand, perfectly normal as he reaches up to cup saihara's chin with his icy touch, and his thumb idly brushes along the youth's bottom lip, before komaeda leans forward. his lips close to saihara's ear, and his voice barely above a whisper. )

The Ultimate Hope has blessed us with his presence, and to think that you believe the things you say... have more meaning than his own? ( his voice flat, and his reply said tersely: ) Don't lie to yourself.

wish we stopped writing these Fucking Novels

[unsurely]

Wh...ah!?

[ It's reflex -- instant, almost.

The strangled noise that catches in his throat, unsure of what word it was supposed to be and overridden with surprise. Or is it protest? Maybe part of him isn't finished arguing, hasn't given up even now on rejecting the notions he can't accept, not with a single fiber of his being. He can't place it yet, he just knows this is wrong. And before he's even conscious of it in full, his hand reaches roughly to press itself into Komaeda's shoulder, fingers digging through fabric, in whatever he can muster of an attempt to shove him off. His strength alone isn't enough, of course, so he stumbles backwards himself at the same time, scrambling off to the side as soon as he can.

Once again, he places distance between them with frantic moves, this time of two or three desks instead of just one. ]

Stop...! Just stop it!

[ But it doesn't stop.

"He might be right though, you know? I thought you could do better than this too, Saihara-kun. It's a little disappointing."

Akamatsu-san...!? The name courses through his head before he knows it, full of longing even at the same time as he almost can't bear those words. How weak must that part of him even be, to still hope he'd see her somehow, even if it was only to hear something like that? His eyelids squeeze shut for a moment, damming the hint of warm mist that gathers around the corners of his lashes. It would be so much easier... if he could just crumple to his knees on the floor and stop thinking. Stop fighting. He could simply... give in and accept all of this.

Maybe Komaeda's telling the truth about him. He is a coward, afraid of admitting these things to himself. But... is that really how it goes? It's true that people can be scared of the truth -- because the truth isn't always what you want to hear, because it can hurt and there's nothing you can do about it. It's the truth, after all. And yet... does that mean everything you can fear is real? Just because you're scared of it... does that automatically mean it's right? It's that fallacy in the logical connection that has him shaking his head, as if filtering the haze from his mind. ]

I'm not... I'm not lying to anyone! Maybe you're right... and maybe the things I was hearing are, too. I'm weak and I can't do anything on my own. But the people I know would never say that to me... not without a word of encouragement.

[ He knows, after all, because... he remembers them. Without their words, he would have been so lost. He never would have gotten half of anywhere, never would have been able to stand up, or to look forward again. They're people without whom... he'd have just died.

Softly, his shoulders sag. ]

It doesn't matter if I don't believe in myself... I don't need that to believe in my friends. But you wouldn't understand, would you? Because... you don't see people. You aren't seeing me, either.

[ That's it; that's the only real truth in this room, no matter how much he'd have liked to deny it. ]

The only thing you've ever thought about all along... has been our Ultimate talents. You claim that the person you saw is the Ultimate Hope... but there isn't any hope in anything you've been saying. There's nothing here. It's just an empty classroom, Komaeda-kun. It's empty... just like you.

thinking how the BOYS ar FIGHTINGGG

[commences]

( the close proximity is gone, saihara makes his way back further and further away from komaeda, and for him this is the natural response. it's better that way, he thinks, even now, he's curious when the other will just drop dead in front of him — to have so much luck to see the ultimate hope once again, and that in itself is a blessing, yet the other still stands. it's true, only an ultimate would be able to overwrite his luck so that it doesn't effect them. or perhaps, it's his luck at work as to why nothing bad is happening, and when komaeda looks around the room to clarify his thoughts — a voice grabs his attention. )

You're lying to yourself.

( besides, if he's an ultimate, as much as he should be — as much as komaeda wants him to be — he'll be able to get through this. yet it's those people he mention, something about others encouraging him, and even komaeda doesn't know if he could say the same. besides, he doesn't need anyone like that when he had him, when he has those with talents that equate to the strength of their hope. in the end, that hope that he cares for so much is all he needs, hope is what has kept him going all this time — despite himself being a speck of dust, and how it makes no difference whether komaeda is by him or not. it's that which reassures him, the awareness that the other doesn't insist him to leave, and his heart skips again. )

...Maybe you're right

( thoughtful as he speaks, contemplating whether he truly means that or not, and it all sounds the same. )

The classroom is empty... the lack of hope in your own talent is disappointing, can you really call yourself an Ultimate? ( crossing his arms, he tries to make out saihara's expression from inside the white haze, but because of how thick it is, even that's difficult. or perhaps, komaeda's own problem is to blame, maybe he really can't see him as he claims — no. ) If you can't amount to what you have, what's the point in acknowledging you...

( he sighs, a little upset as he listens to himself. komaeda cherishes hope, he loves it with all his heart, and this feeling he has towards saihara is pure, it lacks idolization. this sort of love isn't anything he can make up, especially in komaeda's case. that's how he knows he's not empty, it's enough to keep his thoughts together. then why does his stomach turn uncomfortably, like a sharp pain digging in — there's no way hopeless words can cut into him? about this room being empty? he glances around in search of someone important, and yet every corner he checks — no one's there. the only person left in this room aside from him is...

but he said this room is empty, he said komaeda was also empty, so why is he still here? )

A small, frail, and weak hope... that's not what I saw when we first met. ( it was brighter, it was something komaeda trusted, and wanted to see. he'd do anything to give the other the chance to expand his hope, allowing his light to cover everything around him — was that goal so wrong? ) Now... the hope I've admired is steadily crumbling. Sigh... ( yes, that bitch sure did. )

I wanted to help it grow... that's all worthless scum like me is good at, to be used by hope... and yet... I have always encouraged you, Ultimate Detective, why are you so disappointed in what makes you, you?

[unsurely]

Our Ultimate talents... aren't what makes us people.

[ The more he argues against it, the more he knows he's right. And as usual when he is, that same sense of dread gathers steadily in the pit of his stomach, churning slowly until it courses through his whole body. He feels locked in place, the sensation of a shiver that never really ran its course frozen stiff against the lines of his back. Why...? He never asked to be chosen by the Ultimate Initiative -- never wanted to be the Ultimate Detective. That case he solved... most of the time, he doesn't even want to have solved it at all.

But that... should be irrelevant. Whether he likes it or not, whether he has it or not, that title isn't everything that defines him, either. He refuses to believe that it is, with every fiber of his being. ]

...You did do a lot for me, and I'm grateful for that. If you hadn't been here last month... I don't know what I'd have done with myself.

[ Because as always, he's weak and incapable of anything on his own, without someone else there to push his back. If Komaeda hadn't found him and encouraged him, he might not have taken those first few steps that he did -- might not have started to actually look for the truth. He might still be cowering in a corner, only making half-efforts and trying to justify it by saying he doesn't have enough to work with. When in fact, he was just afraid. Afraid of the things he might find. But maybe in the process... he just relied on the other a little too much, and ended up putting pressure on him.

So, no matter what, he won't run from this either. It's not fair if he does so precisely when the person who helped him seems to need him. ]

But in the first place... I didn't come here to seek reassurance for that. You know that, right? I'm sorry if I gave the impression that's what I wanted... Forget about me being the Ultimate Detective. It doesn't-- I don't want it to matter right now.

[ ...That's it, in the end. The simplest of truths behind what he hoped to find. ]

I just... wanted to see you. As Saihara Shuichi.

[commences]

( their talents is what makes them anything at all, it's the start of their hope, it explains how strong their hope is — how much they amount to. it has always been like that, hope's peak academy had made it so, and komaeda who follows that place with all his heart knows what's right and what's wrong, his truth that an ultimate's talent reveals their capabilities. even after its destruction, the same thing stays true after all he's done, it's the their talent that chooses whether hope or despair wins, and while komaru (talentless ((derogatory))) was used to test this theory — neither one won, so who would komaeda continue to cherish? it's the ultimates that are needed to survive, they're wanted by the people, so why would saihara say something so humiliating about himself? the logic behind it is something komaeda's unable to understand, it puts him in a difficult position — )

I want to be used by you then, and even now...

( it comes out slow, he inhales deeply right after as he swallows down another helping of the fumes. his mind is in the right place when it comes to the other, but that's for any ultimate he comes across. yet, his voice is genuine, something he truly believes deep down, and he doesn't understand why they have to argue about this specifically. )

Everything I did was... for your hope, for their hope... ( his tone has a tinge of excitement, a little rushed. ) How brilliant yours shown when offering your talent to those ordinary people who know nothing... ( he inhales, slow. ) ...without you, how far would they have come?

( even now they count on him, they look forward to saihara's thoughts, his words, and it's not like komaeda really had anything to do with that. he just wanted to make sure the other had a hand pushing him forward, putting him in a comfortable position where he could act without worry. despite the irritation he's had though half this conversation, he's able to stare at his hand with a smile.

komaeda nagito doesn't know who saihara shuichi is. )

And you're throwing it away to talk to me as... who? See me... as who? We're not ordinary, we're completely different from those insects we're surrounded by.

( a flip in his emotions, his annoyance visible, and he's unable to understand what saihara wants from him, or is asking from him. the standpoint saihara comes from, to speak with him on a level where their talents aren't needed, but as a person sounds so agonizing to him. the moment he's about to speak is where he brings a hand to his mouth, coughing. it's a little rough, but komaeda's not the healthiest person around, and as he pulls his hand away, his eyes no longer watch saihara, and drift off elsewhere. almost like he's repeating what's being said to him. ) I'm boring, too generic to be significant, as irrelevant as I am... ( especially if it's coming from him, and he's able to smile with flushed cheeks content with what he knows is true. ) I can accept that.

( away from one corner, back to viewing saihara properly, and his voice lowers, but that visible affection gone from what it was — )

Are you willing to throw everything away to be someone like that?