yogen | [semi-open] second truth bullet: hinata's memory

Entry tags:

[semi-open] second truth bullet: hinata's memory

Who: Hajime Hinata and YOU
What: A catch-all log for Hinata throughout the month! Closed things will added by request, open things for stuff outside of event top-levels
Where: Various
When: Mostly June, at least one or two things backdated to late May
Warnings: SPOILERS for chapter 4 of Super Dangan Ronpa 2, after the Final Dead Room Discussion

Notes: Hinata will be undergoing a canon update that will have taken place on the 4th! He will be approaching things considerably more depressed and/or apathetic after this takes place, so you're welcome to tag him between the 1st and 3rd if you'd rather have normal Hinata! However, the threads that take place after the canon update are very important. It's something I've detailed more on plurk, but essentially there's something of a "game" that I have going. Hinata now has a "trust" level that's been reset to 0 - if his points are positive enough, he will be updated to either chapter 5 or the end of the game, and if his points fall too far, he will be "reverted" to one of two earlier canon points (chapter 1 or pre-game) and lose all of his Yogen memories. Close CR has more weight at first, but anyone has the power to affect him, so feel free to take a shot at raising or lowering those points!

If you have any questions or would like to plot things, feel free to reach me at

Yamadori! (You're also welcome to write starters for me as well, just give me a heads up first!)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[There's something abnormal about running so hard, feeling his heart pounding in his chest, and yet not being able to hear that or the sound of his own breath sawing through his lungs.

He can't stop, though, because- he has to get there in time, in case something happens to Komaeda- no, in case he does something- to make sure he's okay-

Hinata rounds the corner, and the heart that had been racing nearly leaps out of his chest when he crashes into somebody chest to chest and feels panic rushing through his head-

But... it's not anybody else except for who he's looking for. When that thought registers, Hinata is surprised by the amount of relief that floods through him. Even as he feels Komaeda's hand at his waist and his lips form the na to ask "What are you doing?" before he forgets that he can't be heard... the relief is still stronger than anything else.

He knows his face is still probably a little red, but... Hinata reaches out to grab Komaeda's sleeve, giving a cautious tug towards himself, towards the classroom. Come back?]

( come back to where? come back to who? you're gone. is something that komaeda knows as he can feel hinata tugging on his sleeve, and in return he finds himself staring. he isn't doing as told, oh no, instead, he's gauging whether that's a good idea or not — he did want to sleep peacefully, didn't he? wouldn't komaeda cause a problem to that well-needed rest that he should have?

his hand still resides on hinata's waist, fingers digging into the fabric of his clothes to check if he's really there. he is, and he's warm as well, considering komaeda who is always too cool, so he likes the warmth he's generating from how close they are. it takes him a moment to take a step bac so that they finally have breathing room between them. if he had his pda on him (unsure if hinata left it on the desk in the classroom or has it on him), he'd tell the other that he should at least try to sleep, but he doubts he will with knowing komaeda is out and about actively.

he's waiting for hinata to make the first move towards their destination before moving himself, but his eyes fall down to where his prosthetic is — not realizing that his hand was still in that position, and he quickly moves his hand away. that was an accident on his part, but seeing that hinata doesn't look like he's going to fall... then it should be okay to take his arm back. )

[He knows he's especially flushed now, redder from the way that hand held him, but- it's worth it, it's all worth it for the way that Komaeda pulls back. There's something about it that's so human, so boyish, it- it makes Hinata smile. He hasn't worn an expression this fond around Komaeda in a long time.

He shouldn't, maybe. He should school his expression into something more neutral if nothing else, probably. But he doesn't for some reason.

Hinata pulls the PDA out of his pocket, where he tucked it when he ran, and waves it at Komaeda for a moment before typing out a message.]

I got scared for y- [BACKSAPCE] I got scared when you ran out of the classroom like that. Let's go back, okay?

( viewing the message, he stares tiredly, shaking his head, and proceeds to type what's on his mind. )

sorry, hinata-kun... i was just thinking about you.

( he was, certain words echo in his head that he doesn't know what to do with them, ah, in the end, it would have been better if hinata fell asleep already. he wouldn't have to suffer as much as he's doing now, but komaeda doubts sleeping can be that easy. without any hesitation, he takes a step forward towards the classroom as he encourages him to follow with him. as the moon shines down from the window to cascade their steps in its glow, its easier to see as they make it to the doors of where hinata had stumbled upon komaeda. )

it breaks my heart to know you're scared for me, but being scared of me would be worse
don't ever be scared of me

( because there's nothing about him to be afraid of, he's always been honest, and isn't that sort of honesty what make people believe in others? some type of hope. )

[He can feel his breath catch in his throat, just the same as before, when he sees Komaeda in the moonlight. That, and the message on the PDA, do things to his heart that he isn't really equipped to handle. He adverts his gaze when he reads it, smile finally dropped because his expression turns too flustered to hold it. Hesitantly, he starts typing back.]

...If you say things like that, I won't know what to say at all. I really won't be able to leave you alone then, you know.

[He doesn't elaborate on that. That's all Komaeda's going to get. He looks back at him as he pauses before typing out the rest.

Hinata feels like he can breathe, now that they're back in the classroom together. A weight off of his shoulders now that he has Komaeda in sight, knows he's fine and safe and right here with him. He hadn't realized how much it bothered him that he couldn't confirm that with his own eyes until Hinata ran into him out in the hall, and it's...

It's scary. Feeling like this at all, but feeling like this about Komaeda... Even if he can't put a name to what "this" is, it's really scary.]

I used to be scared of you. I probably should be, still, but I...

I don't want to be anymore. [It's at this point, as he types, that the smile finally returns.] It's funny, but I never thought I'd feel this relieved just by knowing you're okay, so... That counts for something, doesn't it?

[As he passes back the PDA, he looks up at Komaeda, smile uncertain but almost... hopeful.]

( he won't leave him alone if he says things like that? it makes komaeda wonder if he should say something more, if he does... will hinata really stay. maybe had he said the same thing when he woke up from the tube, would they have really stayed together in that sense? would one of his eyes be different, would they be able to return to a simpler time where everyone was together — where hinata would be able to know when komaeda is having difficulties? )

you can ignore me, you can hate me, you can despise me... but don't be afraid of me

( it's true, he can feel anything negative towards komaeda, but the one thing he shouldn't be is terrified, because there's nothing komaeda can do that goes against him. everything is for hope, each and every single plan he's put into motion in the past has been just for that. hinata doesn't realize it, he doesn't know how much of an important card he plays in komaeda's life — but the thought of hope being afraid of him, it makes him feel uncomfortable.

he doesn't know why he'd be more comfortable with hinata hating him, and maybe that's because komaeda's drawn to him anyway — would pester him no matter what, so he can power his way through that. yet, fear is a different beast, one that outweighs everything else. )

that way we'll always be together
what do you think, hinata-kun?
that's why you gave me a ring and tried to marry me, right

( he doesn't give him much time to think on that though, komaeda is joking after all since it's easy to ease him about these sorts of things. )

you should sleep i'll be here with you through the nightmares

[Even before he reads any messages, Hinata goes to the closest wall. He'll wave over Komaeda as he slides down to sit on the ground with his back to the wall.

It's probably just as well that he sits, because the moment he reads Komaeda's messages, he's grateful for the silence hiding the embarrassing noise he likely makes as he buries his face in his knees. How can he say things like that so easily...?!

When Hinata finally emerges after a few moments, blush returned in full force, he'll type out only a single message at first, which he'll show to Komaeda.]

I told you not to say anything embarrassing about the ring, you asshole.

[After Komaeda's read it, he'll begin writing out another message again.]

But... if you don't give me a reason to be afraid, I won't be afraid. And you don't need to ask me to stay when I already promised you that I would.

[For a moment, he holds his chest, the feelings that are piling there that feel fit to burst. Things he doesn't want to name, things that scare him - but things that also make him happy... things that feel right.

Even if he's uncertain, Hinata doesn't want to let go of this until he can understand it completely. That fragile, pained wish has always stayed the same, even if it's changed and reverted and changed again - he wants to understand Komaeda Nagito.]

If you're here... then if nothing else, I won't have to worry about you. [It feels so simple, now that he types it. A solution hiding in plain sight. His shoulders shake with silent laughter.] This is funny too, you know... I always wanted somebody that I could be close to enough to sleepover with when I was a kid.

[Someone to laugh with, share his thoughts with, spend all of his time with. A friend that would look at him beyond all the seriousness, the diligence and the hard work he did - just as Hinata Hajime, the person.

It would be nice... if he could have somebody like that.]

If you're offering, then I'm asking. Stay here with me tonight, Komaeda.

( it's embarrassing as always to be in a room alone with hinata hajime, never has komaeda been able to keep his cool — it felt like some sort of norm between best friends, an aspect he's never really had. he grew up parents, he can't say that they loved him, but he existed in the same space as them — but he loved his dog, he knew that the loyalty it shared to him was more than enough. perhaps that's where komaeda's urge to listen and be loyal came from for hope — who knows. anyway, his sort of worry stems from sitting next to him, their shoulders nudging on another makes his focus hard to control, but he only knows one way how. )

don't worry hinata-kun, i'm sure when you get married that you'll be a nice wife...
you'll make some boy or girl really happy
i can be a test run for you, but when you find someone you can be happy with... you'll be pretty lucky!

( there's been a lot of time for him to think about that, and he can type it ever so easily with a smile on his face. he's just so used to teasing hinata, he's way too easy for him to avoid, but he is honest about what he says. komaeda isn't much to lie, he doesn't see the point to, what hope will it bring to do that when he can be genuine with his words while vague. just like how he knows hinata will make the perfect wife, he's just so great at dealing with others — well, that's what komaeda noticed despite when he believed the other didn't know his talent, he still managed to hit it off with the other ultimate's well. )

oh you want to sleep with me that bad?

( let it be him to take it out of context, but that's all he has on the pda as he offers it to hinata as he waits for him to react badly. as long as he's caught off guard, it'll be enough for komaeda to launch forward, his arms wrapping around the brunette just so they can fall onto their sides on the floor. hopefully hinata has a good hold on komaeda's pda so it doesn't slip out his hand — especially with the spooning position he's managed to lock them in. he presses his mouth against the back of hinata's shoulder, peeking over to see if the pda is still in his hands.

even within this close proximity, there's probably no way in the world hinata hajime could understand something like komaeda nagito — but that's not true, even the ultimate has said it himself... that his own feelings of positivity towards him stemmed from someone... from hinata trying to understand him. that thought is enough for the arm around the youth's waist to tighten, pulling him closer —

hm. it's not too embarrassing when he has control over the situation. how he gets to pretend that this is some childhood venture that they've both always wanted, just to have company alone in the dark where they could sleep without a worry. like all kid's do, especially when they could have sweet dreams. )

[Hinata would be hollering if he could, but- that's impossible, so Komaeda will simply get treated to him flailing around gratuitously before they both go down.

He's glad his back is to Komaeda, because Hinata is pretty sure he'd die if they could see each other's faces. His ears feel so hot.]

You really can't stop saying embarrassing things, can you. I bet you just do this to me for fun.

[~~duh~~

He still isn't sure what's worse - the embarrassed expression that's made its home on his face for however long... or the grin that keeps fighting to make itself known. But he's glad, either way, that Komaeda can see neither right now.

But there's something nice about this, when he stops to think about it, the ease that comes with not having to show Komaeda what he's typing because he's already right there. The Hinata of two months ago would've been shocked speechless, but right now... right now the only thing he can think is that it's a welcome weight he feels on his shoulder.

It makes him feel... precious. Important. Cherished.

Hinata's insides squirm.]

That... would be nice though, wouldn't it? Getting married for real one day.

[His eyes are starting to droop, body relaxing more than he'd anticipated, and Komaeda can probably see the way his fingers start to move slower on the PDA.

It's why he doesn't remember to write it as "getting married to somebody", a sentence innocent of any attachments.]

I bet it's nice... living with somebody that wants you always by their side, who wants to hold you close and never let you go. Someone that looks at you like you matter, and cares about you with all their heart.

[Somebody... that would look at me with love in their eyes...]

I want

[The sentence is left hanging, unfinished.

Hinata Hajime falls asleep.

Without a single nightmare to be found... perhaps for the last time.]

[Hinata wakes up in a way that he isn't expecting.

Migrating from back-to-back to facing Komaeda in his sleep, limbs wrapped around each other and chests pressed together, as carefree of space as if they were siblings or lovers - things that would distract Hinata with embarrassment at any other time.

But these are not the things he isn't expecting.

It's the sense of overwhelming peace that relaxes every inch of his body, his mind settled and not stressed and constantly pushing the way it's felt every day since the year or two before junior high, too much expectation and pressure placed on the shoulders that had once been too small to bear it. It's how his brain isn't buzzing, finally, thank Christ, the white noise of fear and anxiety and stress completely wiped clear. It's the way his heart aches sweetly in his chest, as he sees the softness of Komaeda's face in sleep and thinks, There you are. A reunion with the person that has always been there, has never gone away. The boy on the beach that he's missed every day. I found you, he thinks second, almost giddy in his wonder.]

Komaeda.

[His voice is a little hoarse after a night full of silent conversations, gentle as feathers in the morning light. If Komaeda happens to wake up, he'll see the soft wonder in his eyes, maybe hear the way his breath catches on the syllables of his name.

He thinks.

I'd wake up next to you every morning, if it felt like this.

He feels like it's okay, for once, to be Hinata Hajime. He's happy to be him, if he gets to experience this.

Even if he still isn't sure why he'd deserve it, he could learn how to be proud.]

[Hinata thinks.

Hinata wakes up

and

everything

falls

a p a r t.

He blinks, and suddenly- he remembers. So much, too much, he chokes on nothing as he forces himself into a sitting position, trying not to throw up or scream because

Because.

He- remembers, remembers being in Strawberry House and Grape House and Nidai dead again, pain and unfair, and Nanami being his guiding light and Komaeda tearing him down with the truth as always but indescribably worse.

He remembers, and hates it, and hates himself, because Hinata Hajime is a Reserve Course student and nothing to be proud of and he wants to claw his own veins out until something of worth bleeds out.

He is nothing. He is nothing. He is nothing he is nothing he is nothing he is nothing he is nothing he is NOTHING-]

Ah... Ah...!

[Broken sounds slip out of his mouth, everything torn apart - like when Saihara died, like when Nene died.

He wishes he was dead, too.

Anything to stop this pain. Anything to make it stop hurting.

And isn't he such an awful human being? For ever being able to compare this to that? It makes him even sicker to his stomach, and his hand goes to his mouth, still choking on nothing, before both hands reach up to grip his hair.

Help me.

Hinata's back hits the wall, tears burning at his eyes.

Somebody please help me.

He opens his eyes.

The only one there is...

"My hand.. You want to take it in marriage?

"I don't know if I like hearing such a tone of voice from a talentless human like you."

The one who always helped him... will not help him any longer.

All of the pain in his mind, in his chest, in his soul, coalesces into one singular point - rage.

You liar.

The smiles. The reassurance. The vulnerability. The sweetness he carried in his chest. Everything he forbade himself to feel when he saw everything Komaeda hid in the cage of his mind, and healed enough to feel again.

You fucking liar.

It's anger, burning, unfair and righteous in one - because Komaeda knew. He knew, and said things like this anyway, and Hinata's anger is grief as much as it is fury.

He's wanted, so very desperately to remember... and all he wishes he could do is forget.]

You son of a bitch.

[His voice is shattered and shaking, raw with everything that once was and may never be again. The dam is burst, resentment and anger pouring out in equal turn, scorn of a heart cut open and left to lie bleeding.

If Komaeda hasn't woken up in the midst of this crisis, he will by this point - because Hinata will push him flat onto his back, shoving his shoulder down hard, rougher with him than he's ever been in the whole time they've known each other.]

Did you have fun, making jokes about marriage and playing house with the trash that you hate? Did you get a good laugh out of making me blush and fooling me into thinking I was someone that mattered to you?

[Hinata gets ticked off at people, but rarely does that leak into actual hatred. And yet, the flames of anger that are fanned in his voice, climbing with every word, sound as close to hate as Hinata has ever been in his life.

He wants to hate him.

He's trying so hard to hate him.

But it's so difficult, when he can still remember the sensation of how his heart raced.

In the next moment, something shifts - he smiles, but there is nothing but a shell of Hinata Hajime in it, a silhouette of the boy that smiled in the sunlight. The tears that have been there for the last few minutes finally roll freely down his face.]

Or... has this been your twisted sense of pity all this time? Telling me I was talentless over and over again, but the one who didn't want to hear-

[A sob chokes his words for a moment, but he swallows it down.]

...It was me. It was always my fault, not wanting to remember. Maybe something inside of me always knew... that empty space in my head was nothing that could be filled at all. And I refuted it, even when the person that hates me most... tried to save me one last time.

I'm going back to sleep this aint right

Hey, can you hear me?

i hate you sm ur the reason why this is happening to me i wish youd die young me

i already did

take better care of your wife next time

we are single dads

don't you know better? trash like you shouldn't be imposing your own narrative on other people

i really don't have to take this from trash like yourself you literally mean nothing to me

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( a rhetorical question, but simple questions deserve simple answers — of course, komaeda does this for fun, and there are other reasons he does it, but not like hinata remembers any of that. as long as his eyes are two solid colors, that means that time is distant, and komaeda isn't aware of how long it'll take — maybe sixteen years and then some? after his death within the simulation, his whole life played on repeat, from start to his suicidal finish to be freed from that husk of an ordinary life. while hinata isn't that person he knew then, shouldn't he take advantage of the youth to grow them properly into who they should be — then again, that person never needed him to become the important person that they were when he woke up. the first name of choice was kamukura izuru, but komaeda managed to check himself, reign himself in, and call out the name of the man he met within the situation.

hinata hajime.

that's what he dreams about anyway, the days of his "youth" fixed within that place made of data and memories — the location being the beach where they first met, and komaeda who was naive to the truth. at that point in time he knew nothing about him, only that he was an ultimate like everyone else there — he lacked memory, but komaeda too loses those as time goes on. maybe that's why he was so acceptant of it... that's not what's important thought. it's the sound of the waves crashing against the sand and rocks, the flap of the palm tree's leaves nearby, and his fingers pressing against the heat of the sand as he builds a castle — kneading soft and slow (which in reality is just komaeda's fingers idly pressing against hinata's back or stomach, whichever position he's in).

he's alone at first, that's until he blinks, and he's no longer alone, and there's hinata talking to him like komaeda has done no wrong — as if they never lost any semblance of understanding around the first death. this could be from the text leftover on the pda that builds komaeda's dreams — as the last things he said: "living with somebody that wants you always by their side, who wants to hold you close and never let you go. someone that looks at you like you matter, and cares about you with all their heart." what are those like? maybe it's an experience he's trying to create because he can't have it in reality. if hinata knew who he was, how important his person had became in the future, and how willing komaeda was to be by him... is that still the same thing? his fingers sink even deeper into the sand, messing up the structure as it falls apart, and if he dares look up... what sort of expression will hinata wear?

he's not afraid of looking, instead, something stops him, the waves crash heavier now like a storm, and the wind picks up violently... that's on him, he thinks, because of his bad luck. so when he finally decides to lift his head to tell hinata he should go, he's no longer there. komaeda has plenty of dreams like this, it's just a constant reminder that it'll always be him, alone, and he accepts that. it's when everything goes black that it kind of hurts, there's a sharp pain against his head, his body aches — even the sharp pain that runs through his arm. how long did it take for komaeda to fall asleep is the question, he stayed up most of the night watching over the other, and when he finally did decide to rest... something unfortunate as being forced to wake up would happen to him.

there's sound, nothing he can really make out, but quickly his eyes open to what seems to be... hinata? his brain takes a bit to connect to what's going on — his voice sounds off, not as tsunderely distant as per normal, but filled with anger, irritation, sadness... he grits his teeth, trying to accept what's going on, listening, wondering why hinata's even going this far — )

Wh —

( it's a whirlwind of emotions coming from him, and it's worst compared to komaeda's whose own brain can never stay on course in terms of his personality and feelings. it sounds like he's learn something, there's key words he picked out of hinata's rant — the trash he hates, the talentless — those aren't wrong, those who lack talent have a very weak hope, komaeda stands by this even now. a world without hope is meaningless, that means if the talentless have to sacrifice themselves for that hope, then it's fine — that's what they're used for, so it's not like lacking a talent is all that bad. not as bad as hinata makes it out to be. )

...?

( it's hard to understand what's happening, one minute you're laying with someone, and then the next they're in their feelings for some odd reason. )

Make up your mind... who do you want to blame?

( does he want to blame komaeda, or does he want to blame himself? whatever has gotten into hinata, komaeda should figure out what's with the sudden change. how he came to the idea of lacking talent — no, how did he learn... komaeda doesn't recall him leaving at all, but guess that's an easy tell him holding onto him. did he mumble something pass his lips to spill that hidden fact — perhaps nanami, but that doesn't seem in her character, even though they know... there's tanaka, but...

he doesn't care about playing this safe, but he's not going to indulge until he properly gets the full picture. though, komaeda appears to be in pain himself with the male's hand against his shoulder pushing, reminding him about his bad arm that the ultimate tries to prop himself up with — he stares though, a little annoyed, confused, but his eyes fall on the other's tears as they stain his cheeks. )

...

[The smile drops from his face, replaced with a flat stare, tears still falling from his eyes. Hinata doesn't make any move to wipe them away.]

There's enough blame to go around for both of us, isn't there?

[His gaze sharpens, ever so slightly.]

I wonder, who do you think is more at fault, Komaeda? The lying Ultimate Luck that weaved pretty words together? Or the worthless Reserve Course student who couldn't open his ears?

[His voice starts to tremble at the very end, fingers digging in just a little bit harder.]

At fault? You're asking me that...?

( another rhetorical question, this time stupider than the last — calling him a liar, tarnishing his name in the sane tone as speaking "reserve course," even thinking there's something comparable between the two. there's nothing in what hinata says that makes sense, there's too much of a gap between everything he knows that causes himself some distance from this — though, the pain that comes from hinata digging his fingers deeper, and deeper is welcomed. his fingers curl against the surface of the floor, nails scratching as the brunette continues — )

When did I ever lie...

( if this is matters about his reserve course, then, komaeda has called him talentless without batting an eye. has he forgotten, or was he too wrapped up in his own idea of saving komaeda that he wasn't listening? whose fault is this, actually. )

You're distraught over the wrong things, listening to what I say... That was your choice, not mine.

( the words that caught him off guard, the words he believed that were lies, did komaeda ever tell hinata to humor him — he had plenty of chances to ignore him. it didn't seem to bother him before, it's in his character to act playfully despite hinata's spiny personality, it's to help him live a little. sure, as the ultimate luck, he has his reservations about the people below him, but despite the disgusting make-up of his body now doesn't mean he won't become what he truly is, right? he just has to wait it out, but it does appear to see komaeda is a little disappointed from this interaction. )

[His heart throbs, aching in his chest. Mind racing, ire trickles through him like a syrupy poison.

And he won't even own up to it in the end.

That's alright.]

Still shirking it off on me, huh? I should have expected as much.

[It's alright, because he'll make him see it.]

I'll make it clear to you, then.

[I'll force the truth before your eyes... until you can't look away, Komaeda!]

Telling me you're thinking about me. Those soft smiles you'd wear around me sometimes. The way you'd hold onto me like you don't want to let go. And the way you talked, as if I meant anything to you... All of that paints a picture of someone who cares, even just a little bit.

[They're things that would make Hinata blush to say out loud, if it were any other day. If he hadn't woken up like the world was ending.]

And yet, I remember the Final Dead Room now.

[He shouldn't need to elaborate on it anymore than that. Being talked down to, looked at like he's less than nothing, the gaze and words that cut through him like he doesn't deserve to even be alive.]

So tell me, Komaeda, which one is real? Are you going to tell me I'm having another hallucination on the floor? What's really the truth?

[Tell me it isn't real, he begs in his mind, the last fragile beats of his bleeding heart, that what he saw in his head wasn't enough to kill off.

His Komaeda doesn't lie.

Tell me you care.

Tell me I have a talent.

Tell me I'm worth something to you.]

For someone who grips at straws... wanting to know about their past... you're quick to throw it all away because of what you learned... But the world changes just like that... like a watercolor painting caught in the rain.

( komaeda has always cared about the hope inside of him, it's true, even after the reveal of learning he was nothing but a dirty reserve course, komaeda still cared. all throughout his downfall, his mind crumbling from the fact all the ultimates were entities of despair, he wanted to kill them all. it was a feeling that rested deep in his heart, if he was able to get rid of them, then the world will thank him — they'd respect him. as for the reserve course, he hardly cared what became of him, maybe that's why at the time he believed that hinata couldn't have played a part in the traitor or being despair, what can someone normal do. those were komaeda's feelings a long time ago, well, what he tries to tell himself — but as long as he's been here, that feeling was nothing more than two months prior. it's still recent, but he doesn't think much of it now until hinata brings it up with such anger, such irritation that... )

I'm thinking about you now.

( it comes out straight-forward despite being tired, the difference between his mind and his heart says various things — komaeda's too affixed on hope, hinata doesn't know, but that's what he'll be in the long run if things go correctly... komaeda guesses. that's why komaeda's capable of loving him despite hating what he is now — it's not that he hates the reserve course, it was just that having his views forcibly taken away from him by tampering with his memories irritated him more than anything. he knows now, he's aware, having accepted his feelings for hinata, having accepted that he found some sort of affection that he could give him despite him being (reserve course) what he hardly thinks about. )

I'm thinking about... how you need to grow up.

( again, a statement that he's given hinata before, he's too young to understand how much influence he has, and once he grows up — all his worries will go away. he'll understand what he's capable of, he'll see that he means a lot to them and others, and while komaeda could tell him everything right here, and right now. how the other saved him, how he's the same person as kamukura izuru, that in the end he is ultimate hope, someone who harbors every talent — it seems to easy. handing it off to him like that, and to become the person that he did, he has to work for it. )

Right now you're talentless, you're acting like a worthless human being — grow up.

( he got through everything after komaeda said what he said, right? that's why he became the person he showed affection for... right? pain, suffering, that sort of despair will sink into his veins, that's until hinata manages to pluck them out from beneath his skin with his own efforts. because he did it before, he can do it again. he won't let his hope falter over something like this, remembering, but ignoring what's already been given that he made before. )

[It's the wrong thing to say.

Or at least... the wrong way to say it.

I'm so stupid.

Hinata's feels the exact moment in time that his heart freezes over. The tiles that place around it, walls building up so that he can be hurt no longer.

Thinking that wasn't the truth... Entertaining the thought he could ever care... I'm so stupid.]

Fuck you.

[It's quiet, delivered flatly and icily. Finally, Hinata releases Komaeda's shoulder as he sits back, fingers trailing along his arm after releasing the hold as if there could possibly still be something buried deep down that doesn't want to let him go.]

I see now... how mistaken I was, thinking that you ever cared about me. [He lifts his head again, and Hinata's eyes are venom.] So sorry, Main Course-san, for being such an inconvenience to you with my worthless feelings.

[The -san is a slap as much as any of the other words are. Komaeda knows he doesn't use honorifics.]

I'll make sure to stay out of your way, so you can find a nice, grown up person full of talent to waste your Goddamn time on.

[His head is so clouded with pain, Hinata can't see the clue that could unravel everything. Once again, as always with Komaeda, missing the one hint that would make everything make sense.

He cannot get through this after what Komaeda's said. Not this time. Not after what was shown to him, and what he showed in return.

The person Komaeda Nagito is seeking cannot appear like this.]

oh... but I am getting out of here? the sand... it's calling me

WHY IS THE SAND CLLING U ill get the vase.

the vase... perfect for putting me in with the sand, thank you

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you didn't tell me I wrote backsapce at 7 am in the morning and now I have to look at it forever

bro i cannot THINK

it's ok my brain is smooth i didn't even know if the tag i just sent made sense before i hit post

baby shark do do do ddo dbaby shark dodo

1/4 - kodaka voice: please watch until the very end :)

2/4 - my best and worst gift to you... though I adjusted a little bit tonight

3/4 - cw: suicidal ideation, but it's mostly still the same, even though it hits a lot different now

4/4 - and with this tag I've waited to send you since the day I apped... good luck, Komaeda

Re: 4/4 - and with this tag I've waited to send you since the day I apped... good luck, Komaeda

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LEFT THIS HERE AND THEN MADE ME PUT MINE BACK

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cw: suicide

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