Hinata Hajime (日向創) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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yogen2021-06-05 09:21 pm
futurebullets) wrote in yogen2021-06-05 09:21 pm
[semi-open] second truth bullet: hinata's memory
Who: Hajime Hinata and YOU
What: A catch-all log for Hinata throughout the month! Closed things will added by request, open things for stuff outside of event top-levels
Where: Various
When: Mostly June, at least one or two things backdated to late May
Warnings: SPOILERS for chapter 4 of Super Dangan Ronpa 2, after the Final Dead Room Discussion
Notes: Hinata will be undergoing a canon update that will have taken place on the 4th! He will be approaching things considerably more depressed and/or apathetic after this takes place, so you're welcome to tag him between the 1st and 3rd if you'd rather have normal Hinata! However, the threads that take place after the canon update are very important. It's something I've detailed more on plurk, but essentially there's something of a "game" that I have going. Hinata now has a "trust" level that's been reset to 0 - if his points are positive enough, he will be updated to either chapter 5 or the end of the game, and if his points fall too far, he will be "reverted" to one of two earlier canon points (chapter 1 or pre-game) and lose all of his Yogen memories. Close CR has more weight at first, but anyone has the power to affect him, so feel free to take a shot at raising or lowering those points!
If you have any questions or would like to plot things, feel free to reach me at![[plurk.com profile]](https://plurk.com/favicon.ico)
Yamadori! (You're also welcome to write starters for me as well, just give me a heads up first!)
What: A catch-all log for Hinata throughout the month! Closed things will added by request, open things for stuff outside of event top-levels
Where: Various
When: Mostly June, at least one or two things backdated to late May
Warnings: SPOILERS for chapter 4 of Super Dangan Ronpa 2, after the Final Dead Room Discussion
Notes: Hinata will be undergoing a canon update that will have taken place on the 4th! He will be approaching things considerably more depressed and/or apathetic after this takes place, so you're welcome to tag him between the 1st and 3rd if you'd rather have normal Hinata! However, the threads that take place after the canon update are very important. It's something I've detailed more on plurk, but essentially there's something of a "game" that I have going. Hinata now has a "trust" level that's been reset to 0 - if his points are positive enough, he will be updated to either chapter 5 or the end of the game, and if his points fall too far, he will be "reverted" to one of two earlier canon points (chapter 1 or pre-game) and lose all of his Yogen memories. Close CR has more weight at first, but anyone has the power to affect him, so feel free to take a shot at raising or lowering those points!
If you have any questions or would like to plot things, feel free to reach me at
no subject
[ Well... worry about him at least, because honestly Hinata should be thinking of himself. For a moment though, with that touch still between them and fingers still bunched in the other's sleeve, Saihara just studies what the expression he's seeing there seems to mean. It only makes his grip tighten, pulling at fabric like in a silent plea, as if telling Hinata without using words he should brace himself. Come to think of it... maybe instead of his sleeve, Saihara should have held his hand.
But what right does he have...? As the person who's about to reveal things like these to him. ]
But, Hinata-kun... Last month--
[ He wishes this could be just a warning -- a simple word of caution to an important friend. But precisely because he knows what it is instead, his voice only falters and cuts, and he wonders if he should have started somewhere else.
It's too late now, though. All he can do from this point is carry on. ]
Ouma-kun told me... the meaning of the marks we all have on our arms. You have them, right? A certain number of tallies on your wrist. He apparently... found out from Sato-san.
[ There's a pang of guilt and Saihara asks himself: is it cruel like this? Would it be easier if he'd said it outright, instead of opting to lead Hinata to find the answer on his own? ]
no subject
But the relief is short-lived, in the face of what Saihara says. Hinata's expression turns grim.]
I... guess that makes sense, that Sato would know. [Before, he would've jumped on this with a blinding passion to get to the bottom of things; finally, some sort of clue about the mysteries surrounding this place, maybe another step closer to getting out. Now, Hinata's too weary to be excited.] I do have them, though. Five of them.
[Hinata may be damaged, broken, shattered. But his trust in Saihara is innate, even if there's so little else he can trust about himself or anyone else right now, so it's with absolutely zero thought involved that he rolls up his sleeve for Saihara to see the marks, tallies a stark darkness against the paler skin of his wrist.]
...It seems like they don't mean something good, though. Not if you're making that kind of expression.
[Hinata can see it in his eyes, even if it's not clear from anything else. But he's unable to identify that it's guilt... or the reason Saihara would be having it.]
no subject
But what pulls him back to his senses in the end... ]
Ah, w-wait. How many you or I have isn't--
[ ... ]
...No. It is important, but not right now. It's not what I wanted to talk about.
[ And if he doesn't say it now, he feels like his throat might constrict and the words might just dry in his chest, before he can ever find the voice for them again. It's not that he feels resolve... it's just with how far he's come, there's no longer a choice. He was looking to corner himself -- and he has. ]
But Hinata-kun, according to what she said... they're a counter for lives. Both for losing our own... and... for murder.
no subject
Saihara's words wash over him, and- he hears it, he understands it. But for several precious seconds, he cannot process what it means and how that applies to them.
But then understanding crashes into him, and Hinata makes a sound like he's been punched in the gut.]
No- No, I-! [His voice breaks, shifts into a shivery whisper.] I've never... And I wouldn't...
[He wouldn't?
'In other words, anyone who truly wants to escape... is going to have to sacrifice others.'
He wouldn't.
'I can't be sure that won't happen. No...'
He wouldn't!
'...Can I even be sure I won't do it myself?'
He wouldn't!
'...I don't think I can.'
He...
'Faced with such a nightmarish situation, how can I say with confidence that I won't?']
No, I wouldn't do that! Not... Not after everything I went through back on the island, and- Besides, that's crazy isn't it? We're not dead, we're alive, you know?
[Hinata says that... and yet his voice is still shaking. Unconvincing. Doubtful.
If it can't be true, why is he filled with so much dread?
The thought of him, or Saihara-
No, that's wrong!
That's the thing that does it. That makes him believe, gives him conviction.
What makes his eyes spark with life and fire, like he's in a Class Trial. Like he's himself again.]
No, never mind about me for a minute, or how we can't be dead if we're alive- [Hinata reaches out, just for Saihara's sleeve again, pulling downward on it insistently.] You wouldn't do that. I know you wouldn't, you would never kill anybody. Sato must be wrong, or mistaken- something, because I...
[His eyes search Saihara's face, and Hinata nods at whatever he finds there.]
Even if I can't believe in myself, I believe in you.
no subject
[ It takes him aback at first -- even though it shouldn't have, he knows. That Hinata would react so strongly to something like this, that his first response... would be to try and deny it, if not for himself then at least for the people he trusts. And what hurts the most... is that he's one of his first thoughts. It's just wrong -- even at a time like this, Hinata won't think about himself.
Even if I can't believe in myself, I believe in you.
Why... is that? It's not that he'd break that trust. But it's just-- ]
I-I'm sorry... I should have known. I was so focused on facts I forgot, if I told you something like that without anything more...
[ Then of course there's no way Hinata would just stay calm. For just accepting it in the first place when Ouma told him... for readjusting his thinking so readily, maybe there's something wrong with him. Harukawa and others who said it might have been right after all. Maybe... he is pretty cold.
When his voice softens... he can't tell if it's with worry or disappointment in himself. But it doesn't matter. ]
You're right. It's not that I figured you'd kill... and it's not that I would, and we're obviously not dead. There's just a lot going on with our memories, and a lot we don't know. If we were able to feel the things we saw from the gorintos as our own...
[ They died in that first memory they experienced? Did that count? They just don't have the information to say. Maybe he's clinging to false hope, but it might be a little too early to simply... give up and freak out. ]
What's to say that these tally marks don't work the same? But as for Sato-san's theory... I don't think it's wrong. Or at least... there's some manner of truth to it, and there's something... it helped me find out.
[ Something else that... he needs to tell Hinata, no matter what. ]
no subject
As is usually the case for him on a much smaller scale, when one tension leaves Hinata there's another there that's quick to take its place. If Saihara says it that way, then...]
...I guess I see what you mean, from that perspective. If you and I were able to see each other... [Hinata trails off, doesn't finish the sentence for both of their sakes. His shoulder lifts in a half-shrug.] ...then we already have a precedent in place for things not being normal here. Maybe this is the same thing.
[He doesn't want to admit to that, give it any chance of being true. But Saihara's way is to shed truth on the things buried deep; if it's coming from him, this isn't something Hinata can ignore or pretend isn't the case, much as he would like to.
Even if it makes a shiver rack down his spine.]
...Alright. Let's say it's true for now. [His eyes are sharp with observation, mind working rapidly even though he wishes that it would stop.] ...Does that mean you found out something to back up what she said?
[He hopes that's not the case, but braces for the worst.]
no subject
[ Sorry, Hinata.
He can't stay like that while he says it... so slowly, Saihara's sleeve slips away from the grasp through Hinata's fingers, his hand falling listlessly by his side. If he doesn't do that, he might show the tension that causes his body to stiffen, the way his heart races, the breath that catches worriedly in his throat. He might betray all those things, and he doesn't deserve that right now -- or more rather... he can't afford it.
He needs Hinata to be thinking as clearly as he can. ]
...with a more recent mark. A tally that wasn't there at first... it appeared around the same time as a certain murder occurred. It's not like I knew what to make of it at the time... but when Ouma-kun told me--
[ He figured it out. ]
no subject
[Hinata's face folds with- something, not quite pain, as he pulls away. He wonders if maybe his words haven't reached.
He doesn't know quite yet that it's for a reason far worse.
The not-quite-pain slides off of his face, replaced with concentrated thinking, before finally settling on dawning understanding.
Hinata doesn't want to put it together. But he's seen too many murders by now to not be able to put it all into place. Letters and ramps connect, find the solutions that make everything make sense...
...and the answer becomes clear to him soon enough.]
...You found Okane Aiko's murderer. That's why you had the message about the merit points.
[Something twists in his stomach. Saihara, why did you carry this alone, why didn't you tell me-]
It's... probably one of the transfers, right? [He doesn't want this answer... but Hinata knows he can't run from it, either. In every Class Trial, he got to the bottom of things no matter how painful or unbearable it may have gotten.] Can I... ask who it is?
here goes
That's actually... what I called you to tell you. Before the meeting on Sunday... I wanted you to know first.
[ It's not like it'll take away the gravity of the fact, or the effects which he knows it would have. In certain ways, to be honest, this might be worse. Giving these news to Hinata -- before there's anyone he can tell, anyone who can share the burden and weight and guilt but himself. But he's imagined it countless times; revealing it in the meeting, in front of everyone else, the person it matters to most just as unaware as the rest. If it were him in that case...
...he'd ask himself -- why Hinata didn't tell him. ]
It wasn't the first time I'd thought that the killer was one of us. When Sakasaki-kun and I went to talk to Arisu-san at the time... I realized that the culprit couldn't have moved without knowledge or access exclusive to us. The hammer from the workshop disappeared on a Sunday -- and the body's most likely drop time was late in the evening.
[ So that thought, at least, wasn't new. But if he'd said as much at the time, without research and the means to narrow it further down, it would only have resulted in everyone pointing fingers at each other. Everyone in the group would have lost their trust. Living with the knowledge that someone beside you might be the one who had killed... it would have worn them all down. That's why he didn't tell Natsume his thoughts -- that's why Saihara continued to search on his own. ]
But in terms of who exactly it is... it's probably better if you read this.
[ With fingers that try not to shake, he hands Hinata a paper he pulls from his pocket. It's the version he plans to run at the meeting itself -- the one that omits the direct address to Komaeda (and simply names him) or the truth of the tally marks, but Hinata can piece it together since he's been told out loud. ]
shuts my eyes again
He starts to figure it out by the time the white hair is mentioned.
He's certain by the time "their puzzle" is brought up.
But... maybe he's known even longer.
Maybe, deep down, he knew when Saihara started saying he needed Hinata to know.
Maybe he could feel something wrong when Saihara called him in the first place.
Or maybe... he'd known, all that time ago, when he felt something off around Komaeda.
"I'm not going to let you die."]
That... That can't... be right...
[Face as pale as a sheet, Hinata stumbles back, back - back until he hits a desk, barely catches himself from falling down. He's sick, he feels so sick, he-
That's not right? That can't be right. Can't can't can't.]
How did he... How could he...
[His eyes race over the paper, again and again, as if that will change the outcome written there.
Komaeda hates him, wants nothing to do with him. Hinata has no more reason to care about him or what he does.
So why are Hinata's eyes blurring with tears? Why does his heart feel like it's breaking again?
He thinks of those two months, wasted, thinking he was protecting Komaeda and protecting everyone from him.
But Hinata has no talent. Hinata is worthless. And he has never, ever, been able to save anyone at all.]
Saihara...
[He looks up very, very slowly.
Something runs through Hinata's veins, red-hot and thoughtless - something he should never feel about Saihara, but he can't stop himself from feeling it.]
How long... has it been since you figured this out?
[His voice is choked. Tortured. Wounded.]
sighs.........
[ The word breaks a little, drowned in surprise at the back of his throat. It catches Saihara mid-motion, through searching his pocket for something else, and for a moment he only stands there, frozen with his hand half-concealed behind fabric. Something about this... feels off. There's a different sort of worry that takes over -- like that from a premonition you can't quite place, a promise of bad things about to happen. His chest feels too tight... like he can't breathe for a second, and his heart beats too fast to control.
Why is...? That's not quite the question he'd expected to have to answer. Not first. ]
Maybe... ah... a-about a month.
[ But he answers it anyway, soft resignation laced through the words. He owes Hinata that much. ]
The pieces came together when Ouma-kun told me, but even I had trouble believing it at first. I needed to research a little more... so I suppose if I had to name it... the end of May. Right before Ishimaru-kun's...
[ Thing that took place, because he can't rightfully call that a student council election. That drew attention for a while, and it just wasn't a good time anymore until later. As if thinking about the timeline returns him a semblance of order again, he remembers to draw his hand from his pocket. It comes out with a thin white object -- a tissue he kept for himself... but Hinata's tear-streaked face makes it obvious he could use it more at this time.
So he offers it... softly, with a cautious hand. ]
covers ur eyes too
He doesn't use it. Instead he balls it into a fist, material making sharp creases from the strength put into it.]
A month. [He repeats it, very quietly.] You went for a whole month without telling me, even though you knew, even though it's obvious in passing to anybody in club, that Komaeda and I were close.
[Hinata doesn't know if it's better or worse, hearing it now.
Right before the student council incident, the last days that he allowed himself to care about Komaeda. It would've destroyed him back then to hear it, but it's not like what happened after that didn't destroy him anyway.
Would he have been free of this cloying, tar-like feeling in his chest that makes him sick to his stomach? He'll never really know.]
Even if I was angry at him, or felt hurt... Did you really think I'd do something that low, to claim the merit points?
[Hinata knows- deep down he knows, he isn't being fair, probably. He's being more careless with his words than he should be, and if he isn't more careful he could end up breaking something precious.
But it's hard, feeling hurt by the one person who should never hurt him.]
it's fine..... (narrator voice: it was not fine)
Huh? N-No, that's not...
[ The merit points? It's true they're the reason he hadn't come clean right away, or what kept him from telling the group as a whole. But it's not like he thought about them in conjunction with Hinata, specifically, or that those are the reason he didn't tell him. But now that he hears it... it's true that he waited a lot. That much at least, he's unable to deny, so he only closes his eyes and accepts it.
... ]
It's not like I thought if I told you, you'd claim them, but I... there was a lot going on.
[ He wanted to be fair. To everyone, not just to Hinata. Even the fact that he's telling him now, before everyone else, feels a bit... like favoritism. And it is. But he supposes from Hinata's side... it looks more like he didn't care enough about him, to do it earlier... to trust him, and to rely on him. And a part of Saihara can't really deny... that it is how it comes across. It's another perspective on things. ]
...Hinata-kun. Please, calm down. We're both a bit agitated right now, so we're not... thinking clearly.
it really was not fine boy howdy
He hates himself, a little bit, for still being angry - because what Saihara's saying makes sense, who could have thought about anything else but what was going on with the Student Council? Hinata himself had been plagued with nightmares for days until-
Until that day he woke up and everything was wrong.
Hinata lets himself be ruled by logic for most things, or at least he tries to. But that only works until his emotions boil over, like right now, how can he feel it threatening to burst out of him as he listens to Saihara and-]
Calm down...? How could I ever calm down... when everything I did was for nothing?!
[He smacks the back of his fist against the desk behind him - hard enough to hurt. He needs it to, just to think straight. Tears finally pour from his closed eyes, but it's not from physical pain.]
All that time... I thought I could stop him... I thought I could save someone, but I...!
[Couldn't save anyone.
Especially not Komaeda Nagito.]
i hate myself for this one
[ It bubbles out of him before he wills it -- not with anger, but with protest and maybe panic, somewhere in the back of his mind. The slam of the desk when Hinata strikes it makes him jump, but it doesn't deter him; it isn't enough to silence him, only to give him a moment to process the torrent of thoughts in his mind. It's a visible pause, though... but that isn't the point. If Hinata's going to get emotional to the level where it bursts out, Saihara knows, it's up to him to stay calm and composed.
But in the end, he fails that too. ]
Maybe if you hadn't been here, he would have done worse. Or maybe if none of us were here, he'd have done nothing at all.
[ ... ]
...If you're going to blame yourself about it, then how do you think *I* feel?
[ As much as he wishes he were, he's not just a messenger in this.
Hinata's read the write-up, hasn't he? Or did his eyes just glaze over at the last parts? From the message in the murder... it's almost like it was committed for Saihara himself, as some twisted sort of "service" to him -- no, not even to him as a person, but to his talent -- from the killer's part. That's what Komaeda thought when he did it; and yes, there's no telling he wouldn't have done it in general for the other Ultimates too, but that's just a what-if. An uncertainty that he'll have to live with. There's a part of his mind, somewhere out there, that knows they shouldn't be arguing about this, and yet...
How does Hinata think he feels, when maybe Okane Aiko's life would have never been lost at all if Saihara Shuichi didn't exist? ]
i'm still in pain
[Hinata's hand drops away from the desk. He might still feel hurt and betrayed and sick - but something in him still cries out to protest that.
He hadn't thought about the end of the statement until this moment - that Saihara might blame himself because of it. Something that he'd ordinarily be more sensitive to, but his mind is so clouded by all of it that it's hard to think straight.
Maybe he can offer this one thing, though.]
Even if Komaeda still cared about me, it wouldn't have changed. Even if you were the only one he cared about... it wouldn't change. Because "hope" is what he cares about above all else. [When he says the word, his voice is bitter.] If that's what he wanted out of this murder, he would never have stopped for anyone else's sake. He would make it happen, no matter the cost.
[Just like with Togami and Hanamura.]
I knew that about him from the beginning, better than anyone. And yet, I still wasn't careful enough.
[Is that as bad as killing her himself? Hinata can't even muster the strength to think about it.]