yogen | npc contact.2

( hm, there's a lot of things he can say, hearing them talk as if he's not here, or maybe that's how they want to talk around him. rokkun just fucking gaslighted them, OOOH THAT MAKES ME SICKKKK HE GASLIT THEMMMMM. what did the counselor do to this man, imagine living in that household and being given two different options, and he makes you take the third that ain't there — psychologically warfare is happening in this man's mind i'm in tears.

happiness isn't needed in hope, as long as there is hope, they have everything that they needed, that they wanted, and this is how komaeda decides what life should be like. his thoughts of when he wanted to be god surfaces to his head, his actions that he made all for the sake of hope, and he wouldn't change a thing. he meets eyes with subaru when he glances at him, and there's a small hum as he listens to exchanges. )

Happiness is subjective, sometimes... there's no need for it when hope is what you're given. Maybe someone will be mad at the end, but at least they're tucked underneath the umbrella of something oh-so warm, it's worth it...

( he'll take his hand back now, trying to slip it out of the other's hold, not because he was GASLIT, but because he wants to use this hand for something.

will he let go? )

[ I hope somebody does. And npckun was sort of hoping he'd walk around or something instead of hanging out outside the door, because it's a little over five minutes that he can hear things being dragged, a thud, a little frustrated "mm..." and then silence.

... ]

Okay.

[ They're not there to open the door for him. When he reenters the room, it's with them sitting in the shadows of the lower bunk, back pressed against the wall and not really looking at Amami— it's that same look of awaiting judgement they wore the first time they presented him with their work.

And their work this time is a table, warm wooden base split down the middle and filled with smooth rocks and epoxy resin, dragged over to the side of the room with the window so that the sun can shine through the clear blue river. It's small enough to be meant as a personal writing desk, but large and heavy enough that it's very deliberately not something Amami can pack up and take with him wherever he goes.

... ]

...It's for you.

Um.

[ Several dozen people got hurt, but they can't just say that. ]

Things sort of got out of hand... But it's alright! Everything turned out okay!

( she's not here or will ever remember, so there's that. he holds onto it, watching as his shirt is tugged by nothing, but he knows that she's there. also, wish someone looked or said something at komaeda so he could glare at them because he doesn't care. mind your business talentless scums.

he's going to follow after haruka, but he's going to turn towards the exit of the room rather than finding where to set it up here considering they'll just put it back once he leaves. or maybe he should break one of their arms if they try any funny business. )

We can take it to the library.

( said aloud, his words said towards the ground of where he's looking, yes students, please think komaeda's insane. )

[whether rokuro lets go or not is not subaru's concern, so decide that among yourselves. what is is how the other speaks, and he frowns.

... not at komaeda, but--]

Even if someone's important thing was the safety of someone else, if that was a done deal, then the first person would be happy. So in the end, the most important thing is happiness, and I wanna guarantee it as much as I can -- without causing the opposite as much as possible.

[and now he's directing to komaeda]

You're right that happiness is what you make of it, but hope's not separate from it -- it's the same thing as it. Or like, one the same level. People are their most hopeful when they're happy, or have a chance at being happy -- hoping for the best and stuff like that.

[smell that bacon. delicious. philosophy talks in guy fieri's kitchen]

[ Oh, he's getting a pity back pat and Rokkun tries to remove his arm from npckun's grip so they can give those two a better, less awkward hug, but they're having none of it.

No food. Hugs only. You can have breakfast in 48 minutes. ]

[ There's that awful, gnawing feeling of wanting to cry when they see the smile fade, hating that they're the one who made it happen, hating that Subaru is right. It really reaaaaaaaally sucks.

If it hurts this much right now, how are they going to stand it later? They pull Subaru's hands towards them, presses their lips to them, and wonders how they're supposed to let go when it's time? How are they supposed to ... when it feels like everything is crumbling around them and they're trying everything they can to hold the pieces together and it's not working? ]

What am I supposed to do...? It was easier to love you when you didn't know.

[ Well, do something else! god, he's such a helicopter parent ]

If I don't tell you, you'll be curious and you'll stick around.

[ That's why people keep secrets, surely, to trick other people into staying. ]

[ Is he doing better though

But, ugh, somebody sitting on his stomach makes it hard to breathe, like Lily's not even 10 pounds and already I can't breathe with her standing there. ]

If you keep sitting on me like that, all I'm going to be thinking about is you.

( stopppp!!!!!!! let him, you act as if he wouldn't let npckun go out and do some crazy shit! look at steph, she's out there, he lets her do whatever she wants. )

People get bored.

( like how he gets bored... like how he's now thinking about that as an option, that said they better be at the workshop by now, because komaeda's going to walk in after he lets npckun go, this is where they needed to go, right? )

[ IT'S NOT GASLIGHTING, HE WASN'T, HE'S JUST SAYING SUBARU IS WRONG but I can believe the counselor doing this, sometimes you have to shoot down both options to make somebody think ]

There's a point where hope becomes presumptuous, and happiness indulgent, though.

[ Please be more realistic, you guys. also he doesn't let go of Komaeda's hand, no ]

( he's lived longer than per usual.

how much does komaeda weigh *goes to check* 143lbs, rokkun will be ok, because he's not going to move. )

It's no different than that night we spent together, besides... I want to talk about you.

( he emphasizes this by placing his hands on both sides of the ex-athlete's head, leaning down so that he can stare right into his eyes. his own remain empty, pale and sickly, and there's not much thought behind them because he wants to read what's on the other's mind instead. )

...Make it worth my while.

( please komaeda's thinking about what rokkun did as a second year, when did he start to believe that dismantling the school was an option. please rokkun, get your mind together. )

[ They already do.

That insistent tug urges Komaeda forward down the hall, down the stairs, makes a left instead of a right at the ground floor and then disappears altogether, leaving him in front of the door to the courtyard. ]

[oh, there is a soaring part and also an aching part, and together they make it so hard to breath. his hands tingle where keigo's lips touch them, brush with every word, heart bursting and then collapsing in on itself like a supernova.

they go one of three ways, supernovas do:

either they become neutron stars, ever-leaking light and cooling with time, the smallest and densest object across all of space.

they become black holes, which ravenously consume every bit of matter that swirls into their invisible limbs, never to be seen again.

or they simply don't exist anymore. the star dissipates completely, gone in a flash.

subaru doesn't know what road his heart is heading. but there's honestly not much thought before he turns his hands to cup their cheeks again, leaning down to press their heads together. it's different than the study hall, even if it's just as quiet, just them, and he hopes keigo can hear his heart, because maybe it would reassure them.]

But now that I do, I won't let you take it back. We've got half a year at the very least together-- or more, if you want.

[he'd repeat, for them. just to have some more time, since he's already promised to change their future -- so that they can have more years, so that their existence doesn't stop on the day everyone is supposed to be moving on.]

So, what do you want to do? Forget "supposed to"s. Now that I know, and now that you know...

[... what do they want to do? because subaru's pretty caught between running away and kissing them.]

( he's spared... today. they need teruteru here so he can be the true judge of subaru's cooking, because komaeda's going to stand up so he can look over the counter to see better. if rokkun wasn't holding his hand... i swear. )

Akehoshi-kun really likes happiness, to the point that he...

( it's obvious, isn't rokkun? probably can't tell how much a caterer the other can be, but he won't call it out just yet. )

...People are hopeful either way, it doesn't matter the feeling. Being happy is just a plus... what makes you happy, Rokkun? As you can see, what makes Akehoshi-kun happy is seeing others happy.

( he follows accordingly, all the way down these twists and turns until they're at the door, with the painting still in his grasp, he'll reach out with his organic hand — pushing the door open so that she can walk out first if she's still next to him, and then he'll follow right after. )

...

( he looks around, then down to his side. )

Why here?

[look he has eggs and bacon in the same pan it's delicious and ghibli. he's going to put them on his pan-toasting bread when they're cooked to his preference (slightly runny egg and not-quite crisp bacon)

... but komaeda totally took his question, so subaru'll stop his scowling at rokuro and consider his interest piqued, keeping an eye on his cooking]

[ ?? they're a good honest shopkeeper! pure. an angel. the crazy shit has to be subtle

anyways, you ask that as if I remembered that's where they're going and didn't need to click thread from start to learn why they're going to the workshop but apparently they are and they're going to make a birdhouse. ]

Ooh, we're here! Go find me a ruler and a protractor and a pencil! A carpenter pencil— it's the kind that's flat so it doesn't roll away, and the graphite's harder so it won't break on wood.

( not how they're ESCAPING THE CONVERSATION!!! insane, mean of them... they abuse komaeda's concern.

he'll get a ruler but he's depressed about it, like he's frowning as he look through the utensils of what they need... he finds a protractor, and maybe a colored pencil, but he throws that on the floor.

he's looking give him a moment. )

...

[ His mind is sort of in the gutter and he wants to say something about Komaeda taking his breath away but he can't breathe, whose fault is this. ]

...lie down first.

[ something something distributing the force so it's not concentrated in one place, a physics excuse ]

Oh, there's a lot of bad things too. I know those, I could have mentioned them. But...there really is a lot more good in the world than bad. There's a lot to love in it.

( lie down first... does that matter? he tilts his head to look at him until he does as requested, and he'll slip himself off rokkun so that he can lay right next to him, and he stares up at the sky which hurts his eyes actually —

it's a burning sensation that almost feels like it's pushing down on the cornea, and forcing him to look away. so he closes his eyes, arms placed across his stomach as he takes a slow, but deep breath. )

Your turn.

( Tough questions. There's a lot of touches of Buddhism in Japan, things he believes in without really believing in them, things he doesn't think about. Natsume turns his face, watching the bathroom's mirrors. )

I think we're here to get a second CHANCE, however that might have come aBOUT, and I think we... that I keep forgetting because one's true nature—that which is wholly YOU, unburdened by nurture or the effects of other people—can be divined if one's mind is CLEARED.

( it probably works better with more memories taken, but, well, death isn't perfect. )

Or maybe I'm cursed by an evil witch to forget everyone I come to love each YEAR. ( A vague shrug, back to looking at Akki. ) It may as well hapPEN.

[ What do they want to do? They don't know. There's no— there's no guidance for any of this, nothing from books and nothing from their sister, it has nothing to do with making money or drawing in customers or those sorts of things that are a means to an end. They still want to cry a little, they want his hands back in theirs and at the same time want to feel his hands on their face, foreheads together, eyes closed in a darkness they don't mind so much because Subaru's all they can hear and smell and feel.

They want to want. They've never had any trouble wanting, before.

And they don't want to do anything, don't want this moment to end, don't want things to change...

...

They lift their hands and place them on Subaru's shoulders to push him away, fingers curling, gripping tight...

and before they can lose their nerve, they lean in and kiss Subaru on the lips, gentle, sweet, brief as their arms slide around instead, burying their face against his neck and pulling him into a hug. ]

I want to give you my heart. And you'd better not break it, or I'll be really really reaaaally mad.

( Nao's right, he's an embarrassment if he's going to keep trying like this even though trying to get closer to her just ends up like this. Natsume rests against the table, frowning at her; irritation licks the edges of his words, a little more curt than necessary. )

Well, you wouldn't agree to play twenty questions with ME, so I've never suggested IT.

( She has a problem with him making her his soundboard but she won't give him anything in return, so really, who's problem is this? )

What do you want to KNOW, Little Wolf? My ashamed past with crossdressING? A story of my first LOVE? The reason I won't leave you aLONE? How much I regretted bargaining away my eyesight for a girl I don't know and only owe a single debt TO, despite accepting the consequences of my acTIONS? Even though it means I'll never see a smile again in a year's TIME, even though it means the way I read fortunes and people will have to change—how terrified it makes me to know that if I don't learn how to live without seeING, I'm easy prey for those less inclined to reason around HERE?

( —which is a lot, and he pauses to... sit back down properly, leaning back in the chair, not looking at her. )

Why I left an important meeting and sought you OUT, instead of talking to the gardenER, or finding Hiro-kun, or someone more amicable to chatting with ME?

( ... )

Just GO, Little Wolf. ( Closing his eyes, whatever, it's fine. Haruka can come find him and he can go eat his weight in pudding. ) I'll leave after you DO. It'd be awkward if we left at the same time after getting on each other's NERVES.

npc contact.2

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