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npc contact.2
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He can't lie his way out of this one, though, because the alternative to killing somebody... If it were up to him, Akki wouldn't have let Akira die. ]
...You did what you thought was best at the time.
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Akira holds his breath. Briefly, the air becoming thicker; shards of glass, jagged and uneven, going down his throat once he inhales. Suddenly his hands don't feel like they're his own, suddenly he feels like he's in the body of someone else. Only when he feels his nails bite into his palm does he settle with the uncomfortable sensation of a memory creeping up the back of his neck, nestling into his brain.
Spreading. He looks to the wall and swears he sees a mass of black mold slowly pulse and expand, growing with intensity until a single black hand begins to extend itself out. He shakes his head, breathing growing intense as he looks to his hands -- the vivid memory of blood staining underneath his fingernails, the scent burning his nostrils, a body that he can imagine slumped between his fingertips.
He can't remember their face, let alone their name, and yet he killed them.
And Akira looks to his hands, a bead of sweat dripping from his temple. He killed for this nerd -- thought was best at the time, so what the fuck happened to make him think he needed to protect Akki? He can only assume it was out of the desire to ensure his safety.
He's a damn dog all over again. ]
You -- I... [ He feels like he's about to punch a hole through the wall. He doesn't know whether to feel angry or relieved. ] You gotta swear to me -- sweat to me that I didn't do it 'cause you told me to.
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I didn't—-
[ It's reflexive, the denial, and he knows it, reaching out to take hold of Akira's wrists so he'd stop digging his nails into his palms— but stops just before touching him, fingers withdrawing, and then reaching out again, just the very tips brushing the back of Akira's wrists. ]
I would never ask that of you, Kijima-san... Do you think I would?
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He didn't? ]
But you can. [ If he was willing to kill for him before -- Akira recognizes that there is something in him, conditioned to protect what he holds dear. Seiji saw through him instantly and abused that, wrapping him tight around his finger; he knows how to use him, knows that Akira would rather evolve into something dark and ugly in order to stick with what's familiar.
He just wants something to stay. Just wants something to hold dear. ] You can... [ Akira peers up from behind his fringe, and his expression makes it obvious that he's confessing this: ] If you told me to, I wouldn't hate you.
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Even if Akira wouldn't hate him, Akki thinks he would probably hate himself, for being put in a position where he'd have to ask somebody to die— not just that, but to have somebody else do the deed for him because he's too ...because he can't do it himself. ]
...I know. [ is what he says, though, because he can recognize what it means for Akira to tell him this. It's an option put on the table, no matter if or when he takes it. A last resort, a safety net, and there's comfort in somebody willing to be that for him. ]
Thank you. [ has to bite back the "but" ] I hope it doesn't come to it, but I'm glad you can trust me enough to say so. It makes going forward a little easier, really.
[ He knows somebody who would love to use Akira as a hitman, actually, but he's not going think about that. ]
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I won't let you die, okay? [ For... dumb gay reasons. But honestly? If Akki is going to be his constant -- his anchor -- then he's going to cling to him. That familiarity of friendship, blurred by his sudden awakened state in this world, gives him all the reason why. And like all his friends he has back home, he wants to treat Akki with the same unhealthy amount of protectiveness. ]
So don't do anything stupid. I still don't get whatever the hell is going on here, but we're getting out of here one way or another.
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He tries his best to smile for Akira, but he suspects it comes across as nervous, as he tends to be, not as reassuring as he would like, but he still tries. ]
...Yeah, we'll make it. Even if something happens, I'll find my way back to you. I won't let anything happen to you either.