yogen | npc contact.2

( he wants to interrupt — getting the instructions right is harder than you'd think for some people, and memorizing them after the fact, but... when they continue, it's kind of hard to have the heart to linger on that, for all the warmth in their words. the soup is one thing, it's something he appreciates before, and the feelings that apparently went into it. it's the words though, that really get him. that melt his heart a little, with the tentative care that seems to go into them. )

It helps...

( his smile is a bit apologetic, and he'll rub at the side of his neck some. )

Sorry, Kamo-kun. It wasn't my intention to worry you, it's just... I've been worried about you.

( and he breathes out, a soft exhale as he glances aside, then meets their eyes again. )

But I'm glad you're okay, in the end.

[ is npckun okay though

It's the same with them, though, not wanting to worry Amami who is worried about them, especially when he says nothing about not being worried anymore, or being less worried, unless they're able to get their shit together and look fine again.

... ]

Yeah, I'm okay! I've gotten a lot of rest, and you and Subaru are always looking after me, so... I'm okay!

( they will be? it's not like i don't have more plans out here.

anyway, amami pinches at one of their soft mochi cheeks. )

You don't have to be okay all at once. I don't think that was the kind of thing you can really expect to sleep off, and it's no good to keep things bottled up.

( he, of all people, would know. softening, he lets go. )

But remember that, okay? Akehoshi-kun and I, and Komaeda-kun too, we'll be here for you.

[ Oh. The smile slides off their face when Amami pulls at their soft mochi cheeks... They have to get better at being more convincing. ]

I know... I already cried a lot, and embarrassed myself in front of everybody. [ Nobody likes crying in front of other people, or letting their fears be made public. ]

I'll be okay. It just takes time.

[ Lots and lots of time. Maybe years, seeing as they're still dealing with a lot of things from the past— their fear of the darkness, of deep water, of being left alone, of being touched on the head, of this and that and so many other things. But at least they're getting better. ]

( too context-clear. it doesn't help that amami is hardly any different himself. even so... )

It's not embarrassing.

( he's making that executive decision. )

If it had happened to any of us, we'd probably be the same. It was probably confusing too, but... ( deep breath. ) I'm going to make sure. I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure nothing like that happens again, so that you won't have anything to be afraid of, Kamo-kun. And... I'm sorry, that I didn't make it in time to keep you safe.

( he wants to say it properly, directly, at least once. )

[ Would it be the same, though? They really can't imagine Amami crying, or Komaeda, ...Subaru maybe, but Subaru wouldn't hole up under the blankets for two days straight, he's braver than that and npckun... doesn't feel at all that, even though they had tried so hard that night. ]

It's not... You don't have anything to be sorry for, Tarou-nii. It was nighttime. You should've been in bed, and I... [ ... ] I shouldn't have left my store. I know better now, so it won't happen again.

[ [redacted] can't happen if they refuse to go out after sundown ]

No, I should've been with you.

( he says it with conviction; it's something he really believes. )

If there was somewhere you wanted to go, if you were scared, if you needed me — that's where I should've been, no matter what time it was.

( ... )

I was right behind you, you know. I probably could have reached you first, if I had just been a little faster, but I was never far.

( would things have been different, if he hadn't taken so long? would they have turned out better? would they have been safer? )

No! [ it's blurted out, so many points they want to argue and they turn in their seat to face Amami like this will better make him understand. ]

You couldn't have known any more than I did, and if you were there, I—- I...

[ they what? couldn't have done anything for him, it would have been the both of them, there was no way they could have gotten him out of there on their own, and they wouldn't be able to stand it if another person died because of them. ]

...You can't always be there for me. I didn't ask... [ ... ] You aren't my babysitter... [ ... ] ...I don't want you to resent me...

...

( it hurts. he can't say it doesn't hurt — as keigo faces him, and with every word they say... )

I wouldn't.

( resent them, he means. couldn't even if he wanted to — even if they push him away, like they're doing now.

all of that warmth from the soup feels like it's evaporated, and despite himself, the beginnings of a bitter smile tug at his lips. he pulls his gaze away from them, looking to the side, looking down, settling his eyes on the soup on the table beside them, and he sighs. maybe he got a little too ahead of himself — a little too desperate... but failure is still failure in the end, and if there was anything to confirm that he failed, it would be this. knowing that despite their little play-pretend, he can't be someone keigo feels like they can depend on. they didn't ask for him to be, and it's true... he's not their babysitter, or their brother, or really anything at all to them except some guy they met a couple months back. the words cut deep, but he can't deny they're true. )

Sorry... ( not for what he did, because he'd do it again in a heartbeat, but... ) Guess I got a little ahead of myself, huh?

You would...

[ He wouldn't. But what if he does? What if—

npckun presses their lips tight together, because they're projecting their many many insecurities and they know it, but... The apology makes them lift their head, the distance that their words caused, the way they want to reach out and physically hold Amami to them that contradicts everything that they're saying.

...

They reach for him anyways, because it doesn't matter, when they're full of contradictions in the first place. ]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry... Don't leave. [ Not their babysitter. not their brother. but he's still... ] Please don't hate me.

( they reach out, and he doesn't expect it, but he lets them. lets his arms wrap around them gently, rubbing circles against their back, trying to reassure them even if he feels like there's an empty hole in the center of his own chest. his voice is practiced soft and soothing nevertheless. )

Hey, it's fine. It's alright. You didn't do anything wrong, and didn't I just say that I wouldn't?

( he pauses, lets the words settle for a moment, and gives them a little squeeze. )

I'm not going anywhere. I don't hate you.

( this is just... this is a him problem. it doesn't need to be theirs, too. )

[ It's a hug that's a desperate hold than it is a hug, one that's maybe a little painful, one that npckun doesn't loosen their grip on after a moment. ]

Aniki said that too. That he loves me, and that he'll never leave me.

[ And then he went ahead and died. It was an accident, dad said, it was nobody's fault. But they know better. ]

He was always taking care of me, and I wouldn't leave him alone, and he didn't have any time to play or do the things he liked. Sometimes he'd go on a walk, and tell me he'd be right back, and one day he— he didn't come back, he got sick of being responsible for me and feeling like he always had to be there for me and not getting to live his own life because I couldn't— I couldn't take care of myself or do anything without being watched and I would cry when he wasn't there and I— and he left— because I was selfish and needed him and didn't want— I don't want you to feel that obligation—-

[ The pressure. The shackles that being an older brother is, even while they're doing everything they can to grow up and be self-sufficient so they wouldn't be such a burden, but it's so hard to build yourself up when one little thing happens and you crumble like sand. ]

Is that what you think happened?

( he's quiet for a moment, letting them cling to him with a vice grip, and all the while rubbing the same slow circles against their back.

it's only when he makes his decision that he slowly pauses the motion, voice quieter when he speaks up again, but close enough for them to hear with ease. it's story time... )

I must've mentioned it before... but I have a little sister too. She'd be around your age now, maybe a little bit older. ( hard to pin it when he's guessing at theirs. )

Anyway, when I was a kid, my whole family took a trip to another country on a boat. We got there and I— I wanted to explore, y'know? I thought I could sneak off the boat for a little while, look around, but... I didn't realize that she'd followed me. I didn't even notice. And then... somehow, she must have gotten separated from me, because she never... she never came back, after that. I...

( he bites his tongue, trailing off there. instead he takes a deep breath. in, and then a little shakily, out again. )

You asked why I'm away from home so often... The truth is, the reason I go to so many places, and I'm always traveling — it's to find her.

Sometimes I worry that— I worry that she might be thinking the same thing as you are right now. That she might think I left her behind on purpose, that I didn't want to look after her. That she might think watching her was an obligation, or that she won't forgive me when I finally do find her, for leaving her alone all that time.

( ... )

But I'll never stop looking. I'll search every inch of every country if I have to.

I'm sure... it must be the same for your brother. That no matter what, he'd do everything in his power to get home to you.

( sorry, rokkun, but he's projecting here. and maybe he should have spoken to rokkun himself, rather than trusting komaeda with that, if this was how it was going to end up. if this was how keigo felt about what happened, but... no matter what rokkun feels, amami's going to decide that for him right now. because he knows what it's like, to be an older brother. he knows what it's like to leave your little sibling behind — to fail them like this. and keigo... it's not their fault that they don't know, but somebody needs to tell them, so amami will. )

When you're a big brother, that's what you do for your younger siblings. You're there for them, and you come back for them — not because you have to, not because you feel responsible, but because you want to. You want to take care of them because they're precious to you.

[ It's what happened, or he wouldn't have gone so far or been gone for so long. If he truly loved them, or at least as much as they loved him, he would have come back— crawling on his hands and feet and dragging his bloody and broken body behind him if that's what it took.

But he died, and he's dead, and they will never know. He won't ever come back. Can't, even if he wanted to.

...

They miss him every day. ]

Your sister's lucky, to have a brother like you. [ Somebody alive, first of all, but also...

... ]

...I'm lucky too.

( alive, huh...

it's not the answer he was looking for, but it's something, he guesses. there's a pang of guilt where his heart should be — knowing that, even if keigo has faith in him, that feeling they have... he can't say that his sister doesn't feel the same way. that he hasn't gone and died and left her feeling just as abandoned, alone, and unloved. but right now, and right here, there's only so much he can do about that. it's the kind of goal he has to take one step at a time, no matter how much he's pushed back; he's long-since learned there's no such thing as skipping steps to reach her.

what he can do something about though, what he has right in front of him, is keigo. someone he can help, and reassure, who has a problem that he can act on. he won't take that for granted, even if their little play-pretend is just that, and even if the action he has to take will put a hard time limit on it. )

You think so, huh...

( it's a difficult comment for him to accept, in circumstances like these, but he won't reject it either. )

But I think... if you'd be willing to depend on me a little, I'd feel like the lucky one.

I do! I—- [ am trying so hard to be mature and capable and not needing to depend on anybody. Reading and learning as much as they can, working hard to financially support themselves, carving out this little corner of independence in a world they have no place being...

But they know they can depend on Amami. To... be willing to fight their battles even though they want to prove they can do it themselves. To say he loves them, even though they know they're incredibly pushy and desperate about it and gives him little choice. To be there for them, even though he was gone that one time for twenty days and the thought of it still makes them distressed, because it wasn't intentional but happened by chance and could happen again at any time. There are a lot of things they could entrust to him that they're holding close to their chest, things they've given out once before, only to have them drop and shatter upon the ground and be made to gather the pieces up in their own arms, cutting and bleeding but holding tight all the same.

...

They give him one piece, to cup gently in his hands and hope he protects it from the rest of the world. ]

You're like Aniki. I'd follow in your shadow wherever you go. But I want to be dependable too... This time, if it's okay, I want to hold on tight so neither of us get lost or left behind. I am not losing another brother.

Yeah, you don't have to worry about that. I won't let go of what's important to me so easily.

( and keigo is, without a doubt, important. as precious to him as any one of his very own sisters.

with a deep breath, he feels a bit calmer. the words, they don't erase the guilt or the regrets he has, they don't set the anxieties that bubble under the surface of his consciousness at ease, but they're meaningful all the same. the small bit of faith that amami recognizes for its importance, if not the depth of it, will stay close to his heart for as long as they'll allow him to keep it. and it may start out small, it may not fix the problem, but... maybe, bit by bit, the warmth from that trust will spread to the rest of him.

for now, he's kind of tired, to be honest. leans back in the loveseat a bit, pulling keigo with him. )

If you can depend on me when you need someone, I can try to depend on you too.

( a little bit. he closes his eyes. )

We'll get through this mess together, 'kay?

[ "try"...

npckun lets themselves fall on top of him, making themselves comfortable with their cheek pressed against his heart, feeling happy— hopeful, relieved, guilty— all sorts of things, all at once, and it's enough to make them squeeze their eyes shut tight. ]

Okay.

[ They're always like this, mired in the swamp of their own thoughts, doubts, insecurities, no wonder they don't seem dependable. But depending is letting go of everything, and they can't do that either, can't leave themselves completely open because even if they're sure Amami will never hurt them on purpose...

...There are things he doesn't know. One day, they hope they'll be able to tell him, and they hope that he can accept them. ]

Thank you.

[ I'm sorry. ]

npc contact.2

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sorry for the full-length novel

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