yogen | npc contact.2

[for his heart alone. subaru certainly isn't going to tell anyone else, just like he's never spoken keigo's name above a whisper when there were others around. he understands the importance of secrets, of people's lowered voices and what it means to get, to give, a piece of themselves, of yourself, to another person. it's something he's been slowly learning how to do himself over the past two years, to trust others and fall back against them instead of shoving everything to the side and putting on a brave face.

or cutting people away, when that didn't work. subaru doesn't want either, to be burned away by the twinkling little star is his arms or to see them put on a fake shine.]

That doesn't sound like nothing. [it's not nothing, it's not.] Is it an important something, or an important someone?

...an important something.

[ Maybe involving an important someone or someones but before anything else they need to achieve that something that means the world to them, as they are now. But it's their contract, and nobody else's. ]

But I've got it handled. I'm not worried. You trust me, don't you, Subaru?

Yeah, of course I do.

[it's instant, not a beat to be found, but subaru doesn't loosen his hold. just idlys rubs circles in their back, biting his cheek.

...]

I just... I mean, if it's hard for you to talk about, then there's something about it that's bad, right? Something you don't like, or you're afraid of... I just don't want you to think you've gotta shoulder stuff on your own, Keigo, when I've got two good ones right here.

[he won't forget how they reacted. he can't]

There's trust in what I say, and then there's trust in me. That I can handle it, and that I will be alright.

[ They're being stubborn in the face of kindness, they know this. But it's something they have to face on their own, and especially don't want to tell Subaru about, not when they've put in so much effort into becoming a dependable person. ]

I said you don't have to do anything more than what you're doing. If I'm having trouble, I'll come to you, and ask you to hold me.

[ That's help enough. It'd help a lot. ]

[subaru's quiet, cheeks puffing slightly.

... he'll let keigo go a little, just to see the expression the other has. please look at him, please don't look away.]

I can trust you and still worry, you know. You'd be worried if I got myself wrapped up in something too, even if I said I could handle it, right? It's the same. That's what love is.

[worrying about someone, even know you know they'll be okay. or want to think they will be, in this case.]

You're someone I treasure, someone who's sparkling to me. I look forward to seeing you every day. That's why I wanted to make sure you were okay, and that it wasn't an unfair contract or anything like that. It's a lotta money to earn in such a short time.

[but there's no traces of doubt that keigo won't be able to fulfill that end of the bargain, it's just true. it's a lot of money in a short span of time.]

[ It's not a happy expression by any means, and they don't meet Subaru's eyes when he leans back to look at them, going from obvious discomfort to something a little sad when Subaru says worrying about them is love. ]

It's not unfair.

[ They let their eyes slide off from around Subaru, pulling back with their eyes still to the ground. ]

I agreed to the terms. And I'm a good shopkeeper; I can do this. And I'm not going anywhere until I reach the end of my contract. I don't really know how else to reassure you...

[they really can't look at him...

it puts a little thorn in his heart, but maybe it'd be worse if they could. subaru breathes out when they pull away more, and reaches to take their hands. their arms, shoulders; he doesn't want them to distance themselves, physically or otherwise.]

I don't want to be reassured. I want to know even if it sucks, even if it'll make me mad -- I grilled Natsume so hard for the same reason. But I don't want to hurt you either though, or make you feel think like I don't believe you, so I... [...

huh.] Where are you going after you reach the end of your contract?

[ ...

oh, they hate that he asks directly. that they can't help but glance up at him when he touches them, that they lean in to the touch despite wanting to pull away. ]

I... [ should lie. pick a lie. there are so many. ... ] I'm not going anywhere. I'm... [ ... ] I only get to be here until graduation. ...I won't get to see you ever again after you graduate.

...

[what can he say?

subaru swallows, the words buzzing in his mind. they're not going anywhere, but they only get to be here until graduation; subaru gets which one is the more truthful, which makes the next hurt so much more.

he doesn't want to part from his friends normally, but... ever again?

what can he say?

subaru feels frustration build in his mind, grip tightening before he realizes he's still holding onto them and loosening a bit; he can't stop it from coming out of his voice though, even if it's not at them. not because of them, not really.]

... Why not? Is it because I'm dead?

It's not because of you, it's—-

[ The only other alternative, but the words catch in their throat. Because if it was only the fact that Subaru is dead— that everybody here is dead and their souls are going to move on to the next life, that wouldn't have meant never ever to them.

If that were the case, they would meet him in stardust, in the next life and the next if they were capable of chasing after him, reaching out for that hand they don't ever want to let go.

But that's not the case, because, ]

I signed away my existence, Subaru... This is all the time I get. And then... I'm never coming back. Not ever. I'm no longer part of samsara.

[there's a lot here.

there's a lot, and subaru feels his grip tighten again as a whine builds in the back of his throat -- he doesn't cry, it's rare he does but boy is he shaking a bit. it's almost like an out of body experience, vaguely aware of himself pulling keigo closer into a hug, burying his face into their shoulder--

breathe, breathe. there's a lot of words, and even if he wants to run away he won't.

...]

Sorry. [for pressing. for asking. for making the truth come to light--] But I'm not gonna let that happen.

[he lifts his head and inhales sharply, voice trembling in frustration, in fear.]

Keigo. I know it sounds stupid and impossible, but please, please believe me. I won't let this year be our only time together.

[... even if it starts as a lie for both of them, a silly little wish placed into the stars... trickstar has always made the impossible possible, and subaru can't -- won't accept this end.]

[ It means more than he knows that he doesn't ask them why nor question their decision that's already been made and that they cannot take back. The acceptance comes with a wave of relief, one that spills out as tears hot on Subaru's neck, as hitching breath and fingers curled against the shirt on his back. ]

I'm scared... [ a whispered admittance, one that makes them feel weak and small and everything they don't want to be, but that's what they are. Dying in itself is a terrifying concept, that even when a person doesn't believe in life after death, there will always be that tiniest shred of hope that there is something. Being in a better place. Being reunited with loved ones. Finally being at peace from pain and suffering.

The concept of nothing scares them more than the concept of hell, because when there's nothing, you won't even know when it happens. It makes every day feeling like the exact moment where, after walking a careful tightrope all their life, the rope suddenly snaps. ]

...please help me.

I will.

[immediate, holding keigo tighter, feeling their hot tears against his skin and soaking into his shirt. subaru was willing to help them fulfill their goal before, and -- that, that hasn't changed. he will help them with that, because no doubt the punishment for not obtaining the amount necessary is just as bad, and he intends to help them even beyond.

even if subaru didn't like them so much, he would. not just because they're friends, but because he would never turn his eyes from someone in need. he rubs the other's back, long and gentle strokes.]

Tell me anything I need to know, as long as it won't get you in trouble for talking about it.

[he'll make their wish come true, the one hidden in their heart, no matter what.]

[ There's a lot he should know, but nothing that they can say, not without retribution. If there was anything they knew that could avert their fate, they would have acted upon it already, always one to want to do things on their own if ever given the chance because there was never anybody around to help. Their thoughts turn to their brother, who could and did do everything, a person they had burdened with so much of their needs. They think of Amami who told them that's what brothers do, and had asked them to trust him. They think of Subaru and his promise and just how much their heart squeezes in response to it.

What he needs to know... ]

...I trust you.

[ That's all he needs to know. It's not reliance; npckun isn't going to give up doing everything they can, but it's trust that Subaru will do the same. ]

[it doesn't sound like much, but it's a lot; three little words that hold such promise and expectation. there's not much of a base for subaru to go on, of course, but it does tell him just how iron-tight the privacy clause on this is. which honestly isn't bad itself, as far as information goes.]

Thanks.

[he means it, too, now more than ever-- it wasn't a trust he had to ask about, standing in a dark hallway, but a trust that was given. so it's important, as is the return.]

You too. If the world ever gets too much, if you feel lonely or it's too quiet, you know where I am. [...] Where all of us are, waiting for you.

[just like the sleepover. subaru'll have to think of something soft to give them, but that's for future him -- keigo's done more than enough to earn a few silly points, and subaru has nothing to reward them for their openness right now. nothing but his arms, which are enough.]

[ It's enough, the promise of a prize long forgotten in light of everything else. They'll probably remember the day after and heckle Subaru about it then, but for now, they're content to have somebody to hold onto, to have somebody hold onto them, to know that there are people who would open their doors and welcome them home, to know that they won't have to wander lost in the darkness forever. ]

...Yeah. Thank you.

npc contact.2

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