yogen | npc contact.2

Does it?

( sure, embarrassing them gives him the opportunity to see something cute, but that sort of reply makes komaeda stare at the back of their head, curious. he has all sorts of thoughts as to why, the reason that their heart hurts, and why they probably don't like it. he wonders if it has something to do with everything at the end, will they not be able to stay with him? or is it because they think they may lose him along the way? handling feelings is sort of a tricky situation that even komaeda doesn't know how to do, but maybe npckun could do better — they handle affection way better, they gain the attention of others even more. )

...That's a good thing that your heart can do that, it means you care. If you felt nothing, then that's a different story.

I can't imagine feeling nothing...

[ Even when they lost everything and it would have been so much easier to stop feeling, all they could do was cry and cry and cry until their eyes hurt and head felt full and chest felt empty— it was all still feeling. Even when it's something that's supposed to be good, like love, the nervousness takes over, their heart feeling more like it's trembling than beating, as if it's capable of making a wrong move and destroy the fragility of whatever relationship they've managed to build up with another person. The heartbeat equivalent of holding their breath, and the longer they're around somebody feeling that way the more it hurts.

If they think about it, being here with Komaeda hurts a little too, and it's all they can do to curl their arms up and find Komaeda's hands. ]

What do you feel around me?

...That's what I want to hear from you.

( it's difficult, but it's the better outcome that he has faced himself with for a long time now. komaeda tries his best not to feel anything, because as long as there's no feelings to apply, positive, then nothing negative will come into play. this is a sensitive subject where admitting things like his feelings, the company of others in an unhealthy light is normally spared, but genuine feelings that are nothing but ammunition to shoot down those he care about.

...
...

he'd rather not feel at all, in a way it's to keep those around him safe because he knows what will happen. he'd have to accept losing them eventually, no one is spared around him, and he's used to it, but sometimes... he allows his hands to remain in place, and he'll lace them without even thinking because there's another question on his mind. )

...That I should leave you alone, and that I shouldn't be here.

( that's the better alternative right? a person can read so much from that, even if he says one thing, and the way he pulls the other closer is another. )

...For somebody so smart, you sure are wrong a lot.

[ Maybe Komaeda should leave them alone; maybe they should have just been the nameless, faceless shopkeeper they had originally intended to be. Then they wouldn't be so scared every time they smelled blood, wouldn't feel like drowning in dread any time somebody promises to them that they'll be right back, wouldn't care about anybody or anything and can singlemindedly focus on their goal that they're slacking on, outside the shop and here instead, in warmth and comfort and safety and all matter of things not profitable.

Objectively, it would have been better. Nobody can leave them if nobody is here in the first place.

But objective isn't what they want, and despite everything, they do what they want, turning in Komaeda's arms so they properly face him and can snake their arms around him in return. ]

Even if you think that, though, I'm not going to let you. Too bad. You should give up now.

Now, now... To be complimented and insulted at the same time! That's new.

( he would have just taken the insult, it wouldn't be the first time someone thought komaeda was wrong, but here he is... having to take more than that. he has to accept the way they turn, how their arms wrap around them, and the confidence in their voice as they've made up their mind. he could pick at every part, try to dig in hopes to make the other regret saying such a foolish thing — it's not like komaeda has a choice, his luck chooses for him, and it's why he keeps his distance, why he doesn't show emotions that'll lead to an attachment.

their beginning days were nothing but seller and buyer, a very straightforward addition to the school who wanted nothing but cash, or you'd be wasting their time. old habits are hard to break, but they're not the same as they were then, and if someone told komaeda that he'd be here right now, looking the other eye to eye in the top bunk within his room at the dormitory, he probably would have written that off as bad luck. )

...It's fine to get rid of me at your leisure, I really don't have that much time. ( to begin with, well, he's aware that he's dead, and that his own illness will take him out one, or his other will rupture his memories, practically killing him off that way too. yet, he looks down at the other with empty eyes — that's a common look, sick and vacant — but they watch the other, focused, or maybe seeing through them, it's hard to tell. )

I should just give up, huh...? I should have cut our conversation short when I thought of you being a scam artist... hm... why didn't I? It really is that hope inside of you... I want to ask something unsettling, because I wonder did someone else have the same idea...

[ There's that unhappy frown on their face again at Komaeda saying he doesn't have much time— neither do they, but at least they have a deadline that isn't as precipitous as Komaeda's. ]

I'm not a scam artist; I'm a good honest shopkeeper.

[ But they pull back a little, looking up at Komaeda, because they want to see his face when he asks. ]

What did you want to ask?

( he thinks about last time, their answer of them being an honest businessperson, and komaeda nods with his head brushing against the pillow, his hair sticking out from the side that it almost pokes him in his eyes — he closes the one though since that hurts. yet, he can still see their frown, and he continues: )

I know you are... as far as good honest shopkeepers go.

( he's going to press a finger against the area of their chest where he recalls the wound — poetic enough, cutting someone open for hope is a thing, komaeda understands it very well. easier access some would believe if they cut the body just right, but... )

What endeavor did you overcome?

What...?

[ They look down at their chest, mistaking the gesture to mean their heart— emotions and feelings heart, even, rather than physical. Because it's that that colors every thought and action of theirs, it's the hurt and loss that drives them forward, one foot in front of the other but it's in leaps and bounds, as if trying to leave all of that behind them.

But loss isn't an endeavor. It's not something they did, but rather something that happened to them. Endeavor would be... making it to where they are now, in spite of loss, but they can't think of that as anything impressive. ]

I wouldn't call it an endeavor... I'm just doing what I can with what I have.

[ And with greed that knows no bounds, what they can achieve is a lot. ]

It's always been like that with you, P-kun... that's why I was very ecstatic when it came to your hope!

( someone who loses so much, komaeda understands their theme of loss, and how they wish they couldn't let go — it's why they hang so tight now, he thinks. also the reason they won't let him go in general, or anyone else that they've attached themselves to. )

What do you have? Can you tell me... because I hear that shapes a person, the good, the bad... the ugly... there's so many things a person can possess that helps their efforts.

( he winks again because ow, his eye... his hair in his eye. )

You didn't want me to look at you when you were changing... so I wonder if that scar is part of what makes your hope... the way it is.

[ Oh.

They place a hand over their heart, at the ugly scar that marred their chest...

... ]

No, I got this when I demanded too much in a drug deal and they stabbed me instead of paying up.

Oh! Is that how you died?

( well, that's one way to ask, but that doesn't mean he can't be curious... you know. )

Or did you live... until you died, either way... you should tell me about that drug run... it sounds exciting.

( bedtime story!! )

It wasn't exciting. I didn't get any money.

[ It was a failure, they don't want to talk about it. ]

Go to sleep.

Come on, come on... what happened...

( he wants to know, it's really like a bed time story... and he just hugs npckun closer, snuggling into them like it's going to help. )

Is that how you came here?

[ They close their eyes and pretend to be asleep. ]

I don't mind if it is... because you came here, I was able to witness your hope... even if it's through the means of drug dealing.

( he blinks, watching them close their eyes. )

I'm glad we were able to meet.

[ ...They smile a little, snuggling in close in response to that, because this is something people who are asleep can do and doesn't mean they're awake and very happy that he feels that way too. ]

( he knows they're not asleep, but he'll let them get away with it this time. he won't sleep though, he'll just close his own eyes to rest them.

too many thoughts in his brain. )

npc contact.2

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