Entry tags:

bulletin board updates

✽ There are several new points of interest at the bulletin board this month, most prominently a wooden box with the slit on the top just large enough to drop a sheet of paper inside. Above is an explanation of Secret Santa and a form to fill out for those interested in participating to write down their name, homeroom, and locker number. Sign-ups close on 12/5, and following assignments, gifts may be given in person or through one of the student council members if anonymous gifting is preferred (contact the mod to hire a stuco elf).
✽ Right next to this box is a poster with a large orange giraffe painted on it. The contents of the poster has nothing to do with giraffes, but rather, is an advertisement for student store commissions featuring quality work with quick turnarounds and a special discount for the month of December if you buy five or more commissions, or bring the shopkeep a warm drink and maybe a snack while they're working.
✽ To the side of the class roster and current ranks is a digital countdown, and scrawled on the bulletin board itself is the message "You're almost there! You can do it! One more push!" but it's unclear whether this message refers to the countdown to the new year, or to the long glass tube situated along the edge of the bulletin board next to it. Maybe both. The tube looks similar to a graduated cylinder, holding a total volume of 5000 ml and currently containing 4850 ml of dark red (presumably) blood, hot to the touch. It can not be broken or removed. The mod will be in contact if any character action this month causes the volume to change.
✽ A neatly typed notice, half buried under all the other announcements, contains a reminder that tuition will be due soon for those students continuing to study at Yogen. If tuition is not paid in full by the end of February, "compensation" will be taken instead.
✽ And finally, there is a notice from the student council that proof of club activity is once again due for submission to the student council by 12/24, otherwise the club will be dissolved and resources taken back. Please submit activity proof to the toplevel below.

12/20 - 12/24 finals week

✽ The week before winter break is finals, with many students cramming as many math formulas and foreign country leaders into their heads as possible without it all spilling over, while other students have decided to chance the practicum instead. Those who have signed up for the practicum are asked to meet inside the auditorium after homeroom at the start of the day while test takers begin their written exams. Students are allowed to change their minds on which to take, up until the end of homeroom on Monday, after the bell rings and the doors close.
✽ For the test takers, finals last for five days, from 8AM until noon each day, after which students are allowed to go home, or have lunch and continue studying in their homerooms or in the library. At the end of finals on Friday, students are asked to remain in their homerooms over lunch break while their exams finish being graded, after which homeroom teachers will return and ask certain students to go with them to the faculty office. These are the failing students. Which the homeroom teachers themselves have the pleasure of executing for their failures. All other students are dismissed and wished a happy winter break.
✽ For those opting for the practicum, finals last for two days, from 8AM until noon on Monday and Tuesday. All students from all grades meet in the auditorium the first day and are told the very simple rules for this semester's practicum: in order to raise your failing grade, all you have to do is kill another student, upon which you take their points for yourself. At the start of both days, students first gather in the auditorium for a headcount and then are given a half hour no-killing grace period during which they are allowed to scatter and find the best sniping/ambushing/hiding spots. The hunt is limited to four hours each day and kills must be done on campus; any kills done outside of these parameters are just for fun and do not count towards their final grade. Points are given for kills involving students in the same grade level of different homerooms (e.g. third years only benefit from killing other third years) and points are revoked for kills involving other grade levels or test takers not participating in the practicum. They studied hard, leave them alone. Most students need only one or two kills to pass, but multiple kills stack and earn them extra credit that will carry over to the next semester. Students who end the second day with a still failing grade will be called to the faculty office. ... All remaining students are dismissed and wished a happy (early!) winter break.
✽ A winter storm starts to whip up around noon on the 24th, raging through the night before settling down come morning, blanketing the entire campus with several feet of snow.

OOC

✽ PC faculty still have finals: they will either take written exams excluding that of their own subject, or they can take the practicum. Players with faculty characters are asked to reply to the toplevel below to indicate the number of failed students per class, but characters do NOT have to ICly be responsible for killing failed students. Unless they're cool with that, and if so, please let me know.
✽ This is a reminder that for any character that murders (again, please let me know), they will experience the same pain the following night and lose powers/abilities for one week. Two weeks after the murder, +1 tally and +100 merit points will be awarded for each kill.
✽ The void in the auditorium continues to grow, and (pending character interaction) by the end of the month will encompass the entire right wing of all floors, including the locker area but not the rooftop. Please mind the void, murderers.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ If you make a mess, you have to clean it on the other side... Hm, what a hassle. In that case, a bloodless death might be ideal. For example, strangulation... He thinks a rope would be good for that. Then again, that wouldn't be difficult to do elsewhere either. It was easy enough for him to clean up a corpse. Then again, just shoving somebody in and hitting the on button worked too. It really is a useful tool. He's fond of such ideas, believing that the best murder should be one that no one realized occurred.

Rio keeps his thoughts to himself, finding that it's little more than a fun thought experiment. He finds that Komaeda's thoughts are more interesting than his own, and he stops after the first sentence to give his undivided attention to him, the card flipping back to the ice cream cone. He isn't surprised, but nor is he disappointed, to find that he opts to veer off in a completely different direction. It's not the kind of idea that he would normally come up with... Luck, hm. ]

Not particularly.

[ He keeps his hold on Komaeda's hand, and he gives him a gentle tug to signify that he's going to start walking again once he's finished offering his thoughts. ]

I don't like plans that have a high risk factor myself, so I'd go with something different. But if you could get it right, then I guess it might work. It seems reasonable enough to me.

[ Back to the grin. ]

Well, if somebody lets it happen, it's their own fault, don't you think? If you want to avoid being killed by someone, you should just kill them first.

[ That goes for him too, naturally. He's chosen to trust Komaeda regardless of that. ]

Sometimes... I can't help myself getting into them, I don't mind, because whatever horrible happens, I know I'm owed something good after!

( he laughs as soon as he's tugged in a direction, and he moves, walking along the hall with him that happens to be classrooms. there's not much in them aside from broken tables and desks, nothing that's interesting as they move through, but it's not every day he has someone holding onto his hand making sure he's close by. he glances down at their hands for a moment before looking back up at the orange of rio's hair, staring at the curled tips. )

That said... I wouldn't allow someone to have such a hopeless death, they have to amount to something greater for them! Making sure hope is done correctly is such an easy job! That's why I take care of everyone's here, but if I found myself in a situation where it's killed or be killed...

( that situation with dito was just that, but komaeda decided to drive the spear into himself rather than letting him do it — but people stood in the way, they wasted their time, and if they didn't perhaps komaeda could have been disposed of by now, and he wonders if his death then would have meant anything. instead, he watches an ultimate get hurt, and wasted the time of those involved, and for what? )

I will say the deaths so far have been... interesting so far! Lucifer-kun, ....Dito-kun, Ebalon-kun, and Amami-kun had a spectacular murder! ( he turns to pull rio into a classroom, because while komaeda is carefree, he chooses his own direction as he walks through. )

...There was one person I wanted to kill, she always said, if I killed her, not to leave her alone. I thought about it, I would have stayed and then encased what hope she had left in the frozen room of the principal's office afterwards.

( hm, hm, hm... going to look out the window, and it's just dark outside... )

[ Rio doesn't object when Komaeda takes the lead, easily slipping into stop behind and slightly to one side of him. From his current position he watches what's ahead of his partner, and his vulnerable back. If something was ahead, he could pull them out of the way; if something snuck up behind, he would be the alarm system. With that in mind, he makes a point of listening carefully and looking over his shoulder every so often.

He thinks about it. There had been quite a few bodies piled up when he first showed up. It seemed like a huge mess. It was interesting enough, but he does have to agree with Inaba that at some point it just got stupid to watch people killing each other. It was dull, repetitive, and people always had the same motives. No matter how much make up they put on it it was the same droll few stories each and every time. He has no interest in getting involved with such nonsense. But there was no sense in saying such things, and so he listens to this alternate perspective instead.

But then again, if it were the person in front of him who had decided to follow through on it...

...

He breathes out a single, amused little sound that's nearly inaudible even to his own ears, because it wouldn't even be a question.

He steps up beside Komaeda and likewise looks out the window. ]

Don't all deaths lead to a change in people? You can't always say what kind of impact it'll have in the long term, or what sort of ripple effect it'll have. All deaths sorta seem the same to me in that sense.

[ It's not an objection or a dismissal, but a simple comment. He looks to Komaeda as he says it, though, ice cream cone hiding his face. He seems curious enough. ]

And who was that?

Yes, but not every death is for something as pure as hope.

( simple as that, he has some reservations or perhaps they're hard feelings when the question is asked. perhaps that's from his own perspective, the one where the death he witnessed had turned him into what he is now, a disgrace, a sickness who walks around doing this and that, his moral code lost even more, and the weight of the world — his home tarnished by his hands. )

Only hope can make it better for the future, to kill and bring despair... is one thing, but there's only so much of that people can overcome before they drown in it, and are lost forever.

( he was close to taking back his hand, ignoring the rest if the conversation, but he can't take offense to something so small. people don't understand hope, and because of that komaeda has to help them — there's only certain types of killings that he would say was beneficial to it, and others... )

If you asked me which murders were an aspect of hope... Ebalon-kun, Amami-kun... Hm...

( he's trying to think if there were any others, but there's a difference when it comes to them, and so the idea that they're all the same hardly puts komaeda at ease. instead, he keeps a smile on his face, almost recoiling from it as he continues walking himself. at the question of who he wanted to kill, he pauses, not even looking at rio, but keeping his head faced forward. )

No one. ( ... ) No one...

... I see. No one, then.

[ The answer is simple and quiet, but it's not unkind. It's a simple acknowledgement of what he'd said, and beneath that a promise not to try to pry what seemed to be an old injury open forward.

He struggles with what to say in the face of such blatant offense. It was in the words, but it was more than that. There were always little tics that people couldn't hide that signified what they were thinking, what they were wanting, just tiny little shifts and twitches and movements - those were what he learned best, because he looked for those more closely than anything. It was no different than reading his expressions, and so he can see that his opinion is entirely unwanted here.

But at that point, what can he say? What is there when anything he can offer will just seal the deal here, and push away? So he follows along, opening and closing his mouth as he comes up with an answer and then discarding it. ]

... I'm still listening.

[ Even that statement sounds stupid upon hitting his own ears, but silence feels too easily misunderstood. But what else is there that he can do but listen and acknowledgement, and then try to find a way to translate it in such a way as to make it match his own experience? Rio's choice card remains in place as he middles over these questions. ]

...

( sometimes when he speaks, it's like a breath of fresh air, he remembers to breathe again, and he wonders if he showed too much. it's just the talk of both hope and despair that drives him mostly, why he can't stand one, but adores the other, and hearing that rio's listening makes komaeda look to the side, and he attempts to think of what can he say in this moment. it's not like he said anything offensive, he sees things in a certain worldview separate from humans in a sense, so each and every death would seem the same, and there's an outcome, but it's not that simple. he can't fault him for that. )

Sorry, sorry... Hm... That was unfair of me.

( luckily they're in the void so it's only them that can see, and in the world where their actual bodies are — they're still stuck in that same spot at the very moment, until they return to them properly. perhaps by then komaeda will be killed by now, it's so unfortunate to feel so... he exhales, finds himself stopping where he stands because he's finally realizes that rio isn't walking at the same pace as him like they started. )

Conversations like that causes me to have such a strong opinion, it's fine to look at me differently!

[ It takes him a moment even after stopping to notice he'd started lagging behind, uneven footsteps causing him to fall a step behind and take two to compensate, and he notices it when he sees how far his arm has stretched out. He doesn't want to let go, now more than ever, because that felt like a rejection by itself. He tightens his grip instead, even though Komaeda won't feel it, and he only shakes his head in response to the apology. Had it hurt? He doesn't think so. ]

It's nothing like that.

[ Maybe he would have dismissed it early on, but even at that time some part of him had been curious. Hm, how to put it... ]

I don't mind hearing your thoughts, but... Hmm, I think you're more intuitive than I am, so it's harder for me to understand.

[ It wasn't much different than his luck - Komaeda was emotional and could go solely off of those feelings, and Rio cannot. He would could question and watch - what were the effects of a death over the years? How much changed? What did? It was only after that he could come to a satisfactory conclusion, and even then the metrics tended to be success and failure.

He tries to overlap those two different approaches, and he does have some success if he looks at it in terms of meeting a specific goal in the short time. Rio could almost see it needing to cause motivation, but then... It seems that the deaths in the Majority Game would be considered hopeless. It's difficult to translate. None of which was to say that he'd chalk it up to that and leave it, just that it made it more difficult for him to get a good grasp on. ]

Hm? Then I'll take back my apology.

( don't have to tell him twice, he's only joking as he says so while holding onto rio without knowing how the other's grip tightens around his arm. what would he do if he had known how the other holds onto him tighter, making sure that he remains there? as long as rio holds onto the arm that represents hope, then he'll never truly know, and maybe that's a good thing — having blind faith in hope, being able to hold onto it no matter what, and then having courage to attempt understanding something that he doesn't makes komaeda laugh. )

Is that so? ...Hm, you're opinionated, so even if I say something, do you find it important enough to remember?

( rather, he shakes his head, that isn't what he should say, and instead he clears his throat to find his footing in his words. even though rio doesn't understand properly, it seems he tries by taking in what's said, and processing it in what he already knows — that's the type of person he is. )

You're a very brave person, Riokun, to go that far to listen to ramblings you just don't understand. ( as they wander into another room, komaeda looks for a desk to sit in, and the legs barely seem like it'll hold his weight. as he sits down, it wobbles just a little bit, but he still hasn't let go of rio's hand, or rather, it'd be rio that would have to let him go. ) It makes every word that leaves from my mouth worth it.

[ There is a common theme in those fields in which seek to understand people or things: If we can understand it, we can control it. People are like that. You can't influence them without first understanding them. Rio doesn't necessarily want to control Komaeda's thoughts, but all matters follow the same logic - if you can't comprehend and emphasize with what a person is saying, how can you judge it, much less respond to it? And so on and so forth.

So no matter what, he will go through the frustrating motions of trying to understand things for the sake of that. He can't forget either, but he does find that question space all the same. It's all by design by default, with no particular emotion or willpower behind it - the only real decision was when the effort was discarded. But even so, he's put far more effort here in here than for the majority? Could that be called bravery? Hmmm... ]

Hmmm... You think so? I think it's sensible. I can remember everything, so it's just a matter of data. It gets easier to cross reference and start to piece things together after awhile. So, it's a net win.

[ He says this as he looks down on Komaeda in the rickety chair, taking a moment to glance around his room before turning back. It could almost be a stock answer, but it seems to be good own way of agreeing that this is a puzzle he's working out.

Hmm... Maybe he should repeat it with less clinical wording: ]

It's more like... It's the only way to properly understand someone... So I don't mind hearing your thoughts. If I don't get them right away, I figure they'll make more sense once time.

[ If not, then he can just listen and watch and question more. ]

( he understood it the first time, but he's not going to say anything if the other is willing to correct in a more humanely wording, and he nods over and over — that's how it works for him, so there's no hard feelings. people's surroundings help influence the way they think and act, and he knows rio needs more than just one conversation. he's in need of several tries, over and over until he can come to his own proper conclusion. for now, he watches with wide eyes, as if he's listening, and has nothing to say that would refute rio's words.

with a few slow blinks, he leans back, the chair slightly cracking underneath is weight. )

You could choose not to listen, and not understand things that aren't integrated in your system. Yet, here you are, doing the opposite, I do hope that proves fruitful to you.

( just the innocent ramblings of someone who loves hope, but he guesses the second version of what rio said is much better, makes it feel from the heart, then the data that he so thrives on. at this rate, he looks at the held hands, and his thumb taps rio's hand to see if he'd be willing to let go — he's just checking something, but his other hand lies flat on the surface of the desk. blood smears because the wound hasn't been dealt with within the void, and so he leaves his mark in every area without realizing it, but it burns after the fact. )

When we first met, your thoughts were different. ( but that was just the aspect of hope, but to be properly understood, he thinks about it as he looks up at the other, and then he glances to the side. ) That's all.

[ Rio doesn't immediately loosen his grip, but the way that he looks down and the way that his eyes linger is enough to make it clear that he notices it. He holds the ice cream cone up, hiding the ever-blank expression.

It'd be nice if it did, he thinks. He's still not terribly attached to those concepts. No matter how many times he thinks about it, a death will always be a death. No matter how much meaning he attaches to it, a death will always just be the end of a life, just as a life will always be the continued existence of a human. But in the end, the reason for conversation and understanding with this person isn't to change the viewpoint of either of them, for neither is up to a fool's errand.

His thumb moves, stroking the back of that unfeeling prosthetic hand. It's better that he can't feel it. It's better that he's wearing a glove, which acts as an ever preset barrier between the two of them. ]

Hmm... Yeah...

[ He had been curious then, but it was a willingness to passively accept the new information for the sake of it, while dismissing it, rather than any active desire to intake. ]

At some point I started thinking that maybe... [ We could-- ] ... I could understand you a little.

[ It's a simple, human answer. He'd been listening and trying sine that moment. ]

Edited 2021-12-12 07:09 (UTC)

Ahaha... understand something like me? My beliefs are kind of hard to make sense of.

( he knows that because not too many people understand it, but it's not that he's willing to toss the idea in the trash if that's what rio wants to do. it's development, it's him organizing his own thoughts and opinions together to form a base of his own way of getting komaeda. he doesn't find himself as "gettable," he guesses, because of how high maintenance he happens to be despite not being a doll, or an ai. he's a simple human with a mindset that overlaps, crushes, and drives forward all over beliefs to make his own important — he doesn't realize he does that though, and that's a given since he doesn't pay much attention to others.

komaeda only listens to those that he's interested in. right now, he listens to rio, and he uses his organic hand to cup his own chin in thought as he dwells over his words. )

But that's progress...

( but he doesn't hate it, he thinks as he looks up to rio with a smile, and that white strand of hair tries to block his view on one side. he doesn't let it as he tilts his head to the side a bit, trying to knock it out the way as he places his organic hand down on his lap, and laughs softly. )

Ah, if I start to bore you, I'm sure you could find someone even more entertaining...

[ Rio raises his hand up, as though to ask how his belief system being difficult to understand made him different from anyone else in this world. For an AI created by scientific minds, such concepts such as gods and magic were outright rejected - it was only with careful effort that he can begun to translate it into his own terms. Even without that, he could only understand kinder beliefs based on technical knowledge - kindness and love were purely chemical and instinctive reactions, without even a hint of romance behind them.

He could understand them logically, but never emotionally - because who had ever loved him? Who had treated him kindly? Why should he care about death and would-be evils when it was all just perception? It was all a safey measure, a protective barrier that humans called a norm, but one that never even existed to be shattered for him.

It's easier to understand somebody like this in the end, if only a little, because those views are equally broken and can be matched and paired up with the broken belief systems he knows so well. A system where all lives are expendable, the end justifies the means, and light can never truly reach. It had just so much easier to care about somebody who didn't care about others, who he could understand in that way, but now... Ah, he'd asked him to let go, hadn't he? ]

I wouldn't call anyone here entertaining.

[ He doesn't let go, but he does nod to his hand. Rio has loosened his vice grip enough that Komaeda can take his hand back if he chooses without dragging him along with it. ]

Safalin and I understood each other better than anyone, and she was a real freak. I doubt anyone else could understand, especially here... Makes me shudder to think of what she'd wanna do to a guy like you. I'd probably have to shove her down the stairs to get the message across.

[ But even now, there's a hint of affection to that insult. It wasn't a far cry from what he has with the person in front of him now - just exchanging looks was enough to communicate everything. They compensated for the other's flaws and stopped problems before they could arise. All of that, when she was the opposite of him in so many ways - when there wasn't a single person that could understand either of them. ]

If I try, I can understand you too. It's not that hard.

[ Just time consuming. He's getting there. ]

She could do whatever she wanted.

( now it's whether komaeda would allow it, he doesn't care for what's done to him, he doesn't have the capacity to truly care for the idea of pain. even his own flaws causes him to manipulate those around him emotionally if they aren't careful, he can throw a little pout, show that he's hurt, and then wear a smile knowing that the viewer couldn't decipher the meaning to his actions. she's the crying doll, he remembers, her tears wouldn't do anything for him, he doesn't care that much — a child is different, but that's because of his history, but her who was capable of complimenting someone like rio is dangerous he can understand. )

If you'd shudder, she must be capable of such execrable actions. Let me reassure you, what's already been done to me can't be worse.

( what's wrong with him now, the amount of trauma doesn't count for this, but even living knowing what he's done — what he is, nothing can be as worst as that. for someone who spouts hope, sees hope in every little thing no longer has that personally for himself, that darkness that's replaced in himself, the despair that he carries, every part of him aside from the prosthetic that he wears is capable of disgusting things itself. that's why this other hand is able to bleed that disgusting waste of blood, the slime that bubbles and pops under his skin, why he's horrible and unlovable to the point that he knows his place... why he doesn't mind being hated, despair is supposed to be.

koizumi called this... their sins, they were just high schoolers. hanamura teruteru, the ultimate chef, under despair killed, and tortured, fed humans to others all in the name of despair. sonia nevermind, a princess who had the militia from an unknown kingdom that would carry out her every order, streamlining despair through the world, it goes on and on, each and every one of his classmates. )

Hm... Maybe I could find joy in her attempts, or become bored by it. It depends, so you wouldn't have to push her down the steps, Riokun.

( nothing hurts more than living now, nothing hurts more than knowing what he's done, but he smiles regardless. )

[ Rio cocks his head to one side, considering that for a moment. He had been joking, in truth. It was just a natural part of their relationship. If it was something that was supposed to be out of boundaries within the context of the game, then Rio would stop it. If he was making an effort to do something that would interrupt the proceedings of the game, then Safalin would stop it. There as nothing more or less to it than that. The idea that it might be worse than some trauma, the idea that it might be a bad thing at all, is in fact a part of the joke.

After all, anyone would be happier after her treatments. But even if he were to explain it a hundred times, Komaeda wouldn't understand that. The other Floormasters didn't understand it, though they had a great deal of respect for her work and were happy enough to utilize it to their own ends. The participants couldn't understand it, and Rio still thinks about how thoroughly the lot of them had rejected it and chosen to roll about in their suffering to avoid some indiscernible thing. It goes without saying if them and theirs couldn't understnad her work, then those here would have no hope of doing so.

That was why they only had each other. That was why Rio was the only one who could really understand her.

But he would be happier if she worked on him. However much he lost, however much of his mind was gone, however empty it left him - he would be happier in the end. He would be happier given those treatments that she herself would never utilize. He would be, and yet... Rio instinctively knows that Komaeda would reject it.

So he laughs softly, unconsciously looking to the place where the only person who could ever understand the punchline he's about to give might be. ]

Ahahaha... I'm just messing with you! She's a healer.

[ He flips back to the open-mouthed grin card. ]

Safalin just wants to see people happy, you know? No matter how deep the wound is, she can fix it right up.... Ah, well, if you wanted to let her work on you, I'm sure that'd make her pretty happy. You'd be a whole new person after.

[ He shakes his head. ]

I don't think I'd let her though.

[ Why? He doesn't know. But... For some reason, Rio doesn't think he'd want her to work on this person. Strange, when he's always been fine with it - when he's never understood why it was so thoroughly rejected. ]

Edited (typo) 2021-12-13 00:19 (UTC)

I've had many people work on me, you know? From those that lack talent, to those with talent.

( everyone has tried their hand on his mind, and his body, but things remain the same, and that's because he's lucky in that being the case. it's because of this misfortunate that he's been given a few good things in his life that he could count on his fingers as good luck, little reasons to appreciate the bad. so he doesn't mind being unfixable, the fact that he's been called broken is a testament to that, and who said it first? he recalls rio saying it like it was a good thing, it's true, to komaeda that is. the information spread across the table on how long komaeda had to live, from the reports that talked about the capacity of knowledge he can keep that'll slowly chip away as time goes on.

he's lucky that he's able to keep every piece of important that's come from an ultimate, the most hopeful and despairing events that's occurred. if safalin could fix that problem of his then...

it's as rio has thought, komaeda would never agree to it. the idea would sound nice, but he'd pass like he does everything else — there's always good luck around the corner if he waits. )

There's no healing trash like me, and I'm already happy. What then?

( he may look off to the side in a forlorn manner, but that doesn't stay for long as he perks back up with a smile, his own brand of "happiness," that's catered to him, and for him. it's for others too, he's heard that he has a smile that can wash away any worries, or that's what hinata had said about him. what makes him find this funny, though, is that if safalin is a healer, and wants to see people happy, but rio wouldn't let her do what she needed to give komaeda that feeling says a lot.

one one hand, it was a joke, and there was nothing to be terrified of but even rio would rather komaeda not take up the offer. )

...Is that your way of protecting me, or wanting me to stay broken.

( in those terms such as before. )

[ If a person tells a lie enough, then it becomes the truth. One can be happy just by telling that lie over and over again, and one can become happy simply by accepting their present situation as all that there is. Rio Ranger had been happy at ASUNARO. He had been happy because he didn't have to think, because he didn't have to learn, because he was free from the painful knowledge off each and every ting that he was missing. It was leaving that place that ripped that happiness out of his fingers, just as it was meeting Komaeda that had made his heart ache and his mind spin.

His happy lie had been taken from him, and now there was only a harsh reality full of so many things that he couldn't understand.

So then, was he trying to protect him from that happiness? It would be a lie, but it would be a happy little lie, one in which his partner could curl up in and find solace. There wouldn't be any further pain, there wouldn't be any regrets, just the pleasant moments that he spent with others. He wouldn't need to do anything, he wouldn't need to act. There would be no life left for him to live, no goals left to chase, because everything would finally be just the way that it should be... But it was fine to live that kind of lie, wasn't it?

Was he trying to keep him broken? That would be just fine, too. Rio was broken. They were all broken. They all shared the same Hell, one in which they could never crawl out of. Even if one would try, another would grab them and pull them back down for the sake of having a partner to commiserate with. It was too lonely to be by yourself, and it was too sad to think that happiness could be achieved if only one worked for it, and so it was necessary to ensure that there was no one would could disprove the idea that things were as they always would be.

Hmmm... He has no reason to do either, though, not when he had always maintained that it was better to forget those painful moments. It had been incomprehensible for him that Joe would want to remember his painful death - for what? Because it was important? What good did knowing the details of your death bring? What good was it to remember the deaths of loved ones when you could just have those happy times, and forget the fighting and regrets and pain? What good was it for Komaeda, sitting before him, to remember the Hellish nightmare that was his life?

Why wouldn't he? ]

Maybe... You're already as happy as any of us, so I guess you don't need it...

[ He murmurs, the card switching back to the ice cream cone, but he doesn't sound satisfied with that answer. His fingers twitch on the card, loosening and tightening as Rio struggles to come up with an answer. His eyes move up, head inclining slightly, and there's a frustrated little sigh as he continues to come up blank. The hope fragment bumps against his chest as he fidgets, trying to work off some of the restless energy that comes with an unsolvable problem.

Slowly, carefully, he starts to speak to try and draw a conclusion out of himself, ]

I don't think there would be much left, though. You've led a pretty unhappy life... But maybe that's fine... Hmmm, but I don't think you really need to stay the way you are, either.

[ So why wouldn't he...? Ah, it was the same reason as always, wasn't it? It was a sickening, repulsive reason, far worse than simply wanting a person to stay broken. That could be overcome using logic, that could be overcome by his former partner's tendency to explain things in such a way that they made perfect sense to him, and that could be overcome by the promise of fringe benefits for him. That could be overcome... By the fact that he doesn't like the person that Komaeda is now, because he keeps thinking that he wants to see him happy. It doesn't matter if it wouldn't be what he wanted either, because he would no longer have the capacity to object once completed.

At length his eyes widen as he seems to reach some conclusion. And it really was a stupid, selfish reason... Ahhh, this is why emotions have no place in decision making nor arguments... ]

... Safalin and I were partners, so we needed each other. It was my job to keep her from doing something stupid, but I probably would've followed her no matter what sorta trouble she got herself into.

[ If she decided to betray ASUNARO, he probably would have, too. And without a doubt, if he didn't stop it, Rio would follow him into whatever trouble he got himself into without once questioning it... Because he couldn't stand to see him go through it by himself. And yet... ]

But I... Need Nagito Komaeda, too.

[ So he wouldn't let her take that away from him.

What a stupid, pointless, illogical reason. ]

( has he ever seen rio go through so many alternative answers — straightforward and confident, but now, to watch him think things over about him seems selfish. instead, he should make rio think about himself a little more, or maybe it's too sad that way, when no one else thought about him? that's komaeda's position, and that's why he has these thoughts that seem more considerate than what he can actually give. all they did was think of others, not really themselves, and that's why komaeda finds that this way of conversing must seem wrong, but there's something to be gained as he watches rio think about it in his own way; if he can find an answer, maybe he'll be satisfied.

normally, komaeda doesn't care for the answers people find about him, because they hardly get it, though that's not his sickness that makes him think this way. he just feels entitled to aspects that are filled with hope and despair, and when it comes to himself who has no hope, he feels as if rio's time shouldn't be wasted thinking so hard. instead, komaeda focuses on him and molding his hope, though he has none inside of him, but that doesn't stop rio from learning, and understanding to the point that he can say something is his hope. as a helping hand, komaeda gave him a start, that small jewel that hangs by his neck, and even he keeps his eyes on it as he watches it bounce off his chest in his thoughts. )

I'm unsure what Safalin-san would do to me if I was under her care, but I'd never find out.

( what makes rio worried can only make komaeda think that maybe there's something more, he knows that the other isn't meant to be tried, and when he thinks about it... prodigies are as close as to what ultimates are in his own world as much as he hates to think about it, he loathes it, but those prodigies seem as if... there's too much wasted talent, turned to despair for a bigger picture he just hasn't seen yet. he hates to think that someone with such strengths in their fields could mend rio to the point that happiness to him at one point of time felt too fleeting to even obtain.

komaeda finally takes his hand back, crossing them in front as he looks at the other, hm... there's a reason he normally allows people to hold that hopeful part of him, because it's a reminder that there's still a chance for anyone. if he leads rio into the darkness, at least there's some hope he can hold onto, if they have to see through this hell together, then despite komaeda's fear, he'll swallow down his worries, and if something happens... he knew from the start that it was a mistake. that's why such worries terrify him even through he doesn't show it, why he smiles happily when aware that anything could happen, like even now he waits for when one of them drops dead because they left their bodies unattended in a place where murder builds character. )

...Need is a very special word, Riokun, it's something you can't live without. It's how humans need air to survive, but needing something like me would be unhealthy for you.

( it's very what you see is what you get, and having it komaeda's way is that he won't change, he'd do everything he's done so far all over again if it meant to spread hope, and that's why he wouldn't want to be fixed in a way that's considered happy — depending on who's doing it, their definition could differ from his. if rio needs him so much that another person's help would change him, he wonders what that would be like for a moment — he thinks he'd hate it, that his own efforts weren't what made him that way, and that things would be different moving forward. )

Do you really want to breathe the same breath with me?

( he has trouble breathing, he wheezes too, he's not something that people want to stay with, but if this really is the choice that rio holds onto... ) One day, I may just forget how to!

[ Komaeda takes his hand back, and Rio's lingers there for a few seconds too long. He looks to that hand, now empty, before stationing it in the crux of his elbow. He knows well what would occur, and it isn't something that he would allow. ASUNARO was capable of medical miracles. He doesn't doubt that all of his ailments could be cured, but he also doesn't doubt the damage that could be done. The latter seems far more likely in that facility.

There would be nothing left of the person he is now, and the dregs that remain aren't what Rio wants. It wouldn't matter what Komaeda wanted, because he would then. It wouldn't be a sad thing at all, and he should only be so happy for him. That twisted contradiction tears at his mind, and he understand that it's only his selfishness that should keep him from hoping for it. But Safalin isn't here, and so he can take in a breath and be content with the fact that he only need worry about himself and his partner.

He doesn't need to worry about it, and yet... The fact that if this person were to disappear it would weigh on him remains. Would he want to breathe the same breath...? Yet, Rio has no need to breathe. He has no need for air as a human would, and so then perhaps he should lack the needs that they do. But he considers how he might answer that if he did - if he needed the breaths that he breathes in and out rhythmically, if he needed the connections and bonds that he formed and tightened with each passing day. ]

Yeah. I do. If you forget, and if I can't remind you...

[ Then, would he forget too...? Rio doesn't want to die. He can't want to die, and so he can't ready agree to it. And yet the words that come out of his mouth contradict that so readily. ]

... Ahaha, at least you won't be lonely. It'd sure suck if you were all by yourself, eh?

[ Whether that was in life or here in purgatory or in the depths of Hell. ]

( listening to rio has a few surprises in store for him, and it feels like that the other doesn't want komaeda to change at all. truth be told, he finds it difficult to understand, and he can't help but think why would he say such kind things about him, or is it selfish considering people want komaeda to do better? to want him.to change, to give up this obsession that he has, but at the end of the day komaeda doesn't care too much for people's wants outside of his. something as grand as hope that brings a positive force should be wanted, anything that comes from it is considered absolute good, and he craves it more than anyone — he wants to share it. they tell him the things he does isn't considered hopeful, but it's the hope that comes from it later; how deaths play a stepping stone to guide them closer to the goal they're meant to achieve. here, everyone would rather komaeda not be this way, to fix his definition of hope, but he can't, not when all he wants to do is help those who put themselves forward, and remove those that piggyback off everyone else.

he wants a world where everyone can stand united, he wants that sort of hope, and ultimates spread it effortlessly. that's the type of person komaeda is, and it's new to hear someone accept him for being that way, but does rio understand him enough to accept these pros, but also his cons? sometimes the things he say sounds nice, most times, he isn't sure how they should be parsed, but it keeps his attention. other times, it goes through one ear and out the other, he stares, but he looks straight through rio without when realizing it. )

Ah... you'll be with me even then? ( yet, he can't handle the fact of talking about just himself in this fashion, about his own gains, not when there's others. ) We'll be the perfect stepping stones, helping hope in such a manner.

( he can agree to something like this, breathing the same means to go through it together, but maybe that's how partnership works through thick and thin. that's why he decides for both of them, for the people who have no talents, and for the lesser individuals whose lives are better sacrificed to make that goal for the world. one filled with everything positive that makes subjectively bad concepts naturally good, because it is. )

They need us, you know, the people here who happen to be afraid of what may stand before them... they lack courage, so it's up to us to build that first them, oh... but courage in the hands of the powerless is called recklessness, so we shouldn't push them too hard. They have to understand their limits, or they'll hurt themselves!

Sheesh... I take it back, you and Safalin would love each other.

[ He flips to the cat card, but it doesn't seem to quite be a flippant remark. Rio spins around, leaning back and placing his free hand on the deck of the desk. It creaks and slides back, causing him to stretch out further until he's balancing on his heels, but it supports his weight well enough. It switches back to the open mouthed grin as he tilts his head back, wondering if the two of them wouldn't coordinate better...?

Nah, they'd be terrible. They're a little too much alike with that savior complex. The only difference was that Safalin was a survivor through and through, and she was a logical person for all of her emotions. He doesn't mind that in either of them, though, and it's not something that he can be bothered with trying to brute force through. The only way for a person to change was by their own efforts. If such a thing were possible, he doubts it would be by presenting an argument that amounts to nothing - they're terrible? They're awful? Monsters? Ah, who cares? That sort of sentimental dribble was no better than tea that hadn't been steeped long enough - weak, with just enough flavor to give it an unpleasant taste.

No, he doesn't need to change Komaeda, because they were partners. ]

Hmm... You know what a partner is to me, Nagito? It's a person who takes you as you are. If you're disgusting and vile, then so am I. You get me?

[ He tilts his head back, staring at a particularly interesting point on the ceiling. He's consistent with his views, at least. ]

You balance each other out, and fill the blind spots that the other one has... Because we can't survive alone. So, if you wanna be a stepping stone and look out for everyone else in the world, then... Hmm, I guess I get to be the selfish one. I won't look out for anyone else other than myself, and I won't look out for anyone but you, even if that means sacrificing everyone and everything else.

[ He pushes himself on the desk, starting to rise up before he leans back again, considering. ]

That's just how it is. That's why whatever you do, I'll be able to follow you, since I don't have to look out for anyone else.

[ He gives a harder push now, forcing himself back to his feet and twisting to look at Komaeda. He tilts his head, considering for a moment. ]

... Hmmm.... Funny, somehow, I thought you would've been able to understand that... Ah, well, it doesn't really matter.

[ Maybe not his unique ideas, maybe not Rio at all. But the more general idea, one of the few things that they seemed to overlap on - people couldn't do things alone, people needed to work together, and that was hope they could finally succeed... Or perhaps he'd been the one to misunderstand? ]

Any-way! Yep, whatever you get up to, if I can't stop you from it, I'll at least make sure you do it right.

[ And despite how much he'd derailed, there's the unspoken promise to follow him through the motions of pushing people in such a disagreeable way.

Straight down the path to Hell - but that was fine, he was already going there. ]

Edited 2021-12-14 02:34 (UTC)

No... I don't think we will.

( komaeda doesn't think he will, but that said, he does play his cards in a fashion so that he can understand people, but he doesn't like that his words are what makes him and safalin the same. he doesn't want to be compared to someone hopeless, and so he looks to the side almost offended by the notion. it's simple to him, from what he knows, and yet he doesn't try to understand her since she's not here — it works better when komaeda's given data to look through, and a person to utilize that information against, and yet all he has is rio's experiences and komaeda's own thoughts. )

...Huh?

( give him a moment to understand what was said, if komaeda's fine with being a stepping stone, then he can do so, but from rio's standpoint, he's not going to do the same. it's confusing that komaeda looks up, blinks, like he's trying to figure out what is the catch, is there a loophole, did he agree, but not agree? where's the part where he says, "just kidding," and they both laugh about it because as insignificant people, they should be able to give themselves up for the betterment of the people.

it's not hard to hear that he's being a hypocrite, or that he's contradicting when rio says something like that, he understands it enough, he understands uniting people under one umbrella. that doesn't mean there's a place for him, hm, but he wonders why does he feel slightly bad for hearing such words leave from rio's mouth as if he's disappointed him. perhaps he did, yet, he can't allow that to weigh on his consciousness. )

There's more than just me, ( which is the truth, he can say this easily. ) there's a lot of people for you to meet, Riokun.

( he gets it, but he doesn't for himself, he could spout this to anyone in the same fashion that rio spoke just now, but for himself? he couldn't imagine it, because he's always loved in groups, or he's loved in a distance. that's why he teeters back and forth, it's why he thinks of the people other than just himself, and he leans back into his chair as he watches rio play against the desk despite how dangerous that might be. he reaches out with his prosthetic hand, tapping lightly in a reminder that he shouldn't do that, he could crumble, and then he'd accidentally fall, and komaeda doesn't want that. )

I can take you as you are, I could take you if you were anything else, but that doesn't stop my mission in life when it comes to guiding you all towards hope. ( he sighs, maybe this is why he keeps himself at bad, putting distance between him and others, and only talking when it matters.

he sighs, laughing. ) I want others to take you as you are, too, to be together is part of hope, you know? I don't want to see you left behind.

[ Rio takes that warning tap to heart, and he does cease putting himself in such a precarious position. He yanks the desk back toward him and a little bit forward instead, folding his arms as he roughly drops his weight down on it. He's not heavy, and at any rate it's only part of his weight as he's leans forward, but it rattles and creaks louder than before from his lack of care in doing so. In this position, the worst that can happen is that he loses his balance - well, unless it tips and takes him along with it, but no matter, it's far enough away that it won't hit the person before him now. ]

Yep, heard you the first time, boss~!

[ The confident profile hides his countenance as he makes this single flippant statement, and it's replaced in a flash with the ice cream cone once more. ]

So like I said, I'll cover your blind spots so you can keep on going. Whatever goal you got's fine by me. Unless it involves killing me or you, then I'll either have to yank you by the collar or break your hand. We can see how that one works out.

[ Break his hand, but not kill him. Who else has he ever said that about? He yanks the deck back a little more so he can lean forward on it, adding a bit more weight, feeling the legs start to wobble beneath him. It's less of a matter of when it crumbles so much as when and which way.

It's only after he's covered all other points that he's able to return to the statement of other people. The card flips a couple times as he seems to try and settle on a mood - the cat mask, the open mouthed grin, but he eventually winds up just back where he started.

How is he supposed to feel about that? ]

Anyway, I know a lot of people. If they leave me behind, then that was always gonna happen, so it doesn't really matter.

[ His voice had evened out after the first sentence, but it lowers now, eyelids lowering halfway as he stares down at the bloodstain at the desk. There's a reason that he can make this offer, and who wouldn't recoil from just this promise to kill and maim and do anything at all simply based on someone's whim? It's enough to draw a small, bitter little laugh out of him. ]

Nah, it's not my problem if anyone here made me into something I'm not.

( is it because of that small rift in their conversation that he does this? all because komaeda doesn't understand his version of an ideal partner, he understands it, well even. is that why he stands up from where he's sitting, making his way over to rio but slowly, eyes focused on the desk that he's messing with that creaks obnoxiously in his ears that sounds like it's growing by the second. )

You can hurt me all you want.

( komaeda doesn't mind being a martyr if that makes rio feel better, he doesn't care for much aside from hope, and when he sees it threatened by the little things, by his own talent no less. he wonders if coming closer will he act out more aggressively, and he shouldn't considering how dangerous everything here is, how unstable things can be. he's not afraid of his own luck, so he brings himself over closer, placing his hand over rio's own wondering if he'll stop — when he has something to hold he isn't as bad, or a danger to himself. )

...But don't say hopeless things. ( even if it all feels hopeless, komaeda can't understand such a pessimistic view, not when he's had the other here, and seen him at what might have been his lowest, and every day they work further to see him at his highest. the outcome that'll come from that as komaeda now wraps his fingers around the other's wrist to hold him in place against the table, the table creaks from the added pressure. ) I don't have a hopeless partner, and if you're forgetting that,

( he glances down at the necklace around rio's neck, even if he can't see it right now... )

I'll remind you.

( komaeda who can never forget hope, who has that ingrained in his head tries to support his partner where he seems to show weakness. he wants him to know it doesn't just have to be them, but maybe rio feels safer in twos, a person he can trust despite everyone else, and that's why to him he got frustrated? irritated by the notion of komaeda not getting it like him? it's hard when rio had someone, and komaeda had no one, but he's adjusting despite how terrifying that is. )

So stop.

( he doesn't let go, but whether he decides to keep doing it or not, komaeda won't stop him. he's gave his guidance, but sometimes people have to figure out things on their own to truly understand how it effects a person after. if rio pushes down more, the desk might just crumble, but they'll both go down by that logic. )

[ It's never just one thing. It's never such a small thing. It's always a hundred little things. It's like locking a person up and dropping a single gemstone at a time until they're full covered and crushed under that weight. It's like that, if only the person being cut and crushed and suffocated and choking on those tiny items had no capacity to die. That's how his emotions were, cut and choked and crushed under a weight they were never meant to handle. But if he had to pick one (and he certainly couldn't if asked,) it would just be the atmosphere of this place. There's something about it that isn't settling well.

He stops when Komaeda's hand touches his own though, freezing in place. He looks down, as though suddenly aware of his own behavior. But as he looks down he wonders which part is hopeless, he wonders? Was it all of it? Perhaps the beginning, or the middle? The thought of it being the end occurs to him, and that stings in a way that the other two options don't. He was used to being disliked, and that was all well and good, but there was more to it.

He parts his lips slightly, and those words are on the tip of his tongue, but he closes it shortly after. Those words are lost, along with the question. That piece of his heart, still carefully sheltered even now, is locked tight in a place where sunlight can't reach. Rio stares down his expression is as blank and unreadable as ever. He blows out a sigh instead. ]

It's not that.

[ Not hopeless? Not whatever ridiculous notion Komaeda has decided to blame his behavior on? It's a response to both, and he leans back slightly, raising his elbows and adjusting his footing to take some of the weight off. That empty expression is still there, but there's nothing new about that at all. ]

I got it, I got it... I shouldn't be messing around.

[ Rio shakes his head, frustrated with his own behavior. ]

Edited 2021-12-14 04:38 (UTC)

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12/20 - 12/24 finals week

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