[But if Ranger of all people is coming to his door about this... then everyone probably already knows.]
Guess she's already told you then...
[It makes the small part of him not sauteing in misery have it's heart in his mouth, because that's bad. Very bad. Why was he lying here, when she could have been saying any number of things about what happened, setting people against him, making herself look like the good guy here? He knows it, he's learnt it by now; whoever gets there first is believed, has their foot in the door regardless of protest or evidence. Whoever controls the story wins; it's harder to change something set down than to say it. That's how it works, isn't it? ...most of the time.]
Tell me, what did she have to say about it? Ahaha, I'm kinda curious!
[Ranger is... well Shin can't even believe he's a neutral party, right now, in this state. But, he might still get that information.]
Nothing, 'cause I haven't seen her. You two haven't been around the last couple days, and I heard she's been moping around the school. It's not that hard to figure out that something happened.
[ He stuffs his free hand into his pocket with a small sigh. That's part of why he'd come here first. Ranger is sensitive to small changes in patterns, and so he'd noticed when neither one of them were around. Komaeda had confirmed that the two of them were having a spat... Well, even if he hadn't though, it would've been obvious just from coming to check in on the pair of them. ]
Anyway, I didn't come here to talk about what she thinks. I came to hear what's going on with you, 'cause you sound like a mess.
[ Those words are a little firmer, as he wants to make it perfectly clear. This is where he came first, and this is who he's willing to hear out first. That was a conscious decision. ]
[So... she hasn't said anything at all, actually? If Ranger is to be believed. But moping... it's a small upset spike of a thought, digging in. What does she have to be moping about? She's not the one with her handprint stamped on her neck. Shin hasn't looked in a mirror yet, because doing so feels like it would put the final nail in, and also just depression nest, but he can sure feel it.]
Seems she hasn't found another room yet, then.
[He's not sure why that's what he gets hung up on, but she was rambling about already planning to move out on the roof, so wouldn't she have had an idea in advance? Probably she could just ask anyone and they'd say yes... Sounds like a mess... he feels like a mess.]
That obvious from my voice, is it?
[Can't exactly hide that one behind a door. Well, he could just not speak, slide notes under or something, but the chance to start out with that has sailed.]
...
[Like picking at a scab, levering it up with fingernails. It's a bad idea. You know it's a bad idea. You should leave it alone. You want to leave it alone. And yet.]
...Hey, Ranger. You've seen them, haven't you. In the simulations... how many times did she kill me?
[Not voted for him. Killed him. There was no veneer of displaced culpability to this.]
That question is a mistake. Ranger could give an exact amount of times that the lot of them have maimed and killed and died. But what good is it going to do to tell him how many grizzly fates could have awaited him? The game wasn't like any of them, and none of them could be said to act as anticipated. That goes double for now. They're humans, not AIs performing simulations.
He looks around the hallway now with a slight frown. There's how counterproductive it would be, but he can't be that quiet when speaking through a door and sound echos. ]
You really want everyone in earshot hearing about all the things you kids could've done? With how nosy people around here are? C'mon.
[Shin actually debates letting Ranger in just to hear it, but that makes his heart rate spike and his ears feel thick and dizzy so no, no, he'll leave it at that, hand tugging at the purple oversized jumper after going to it's customary place and hitting air.
He stuffed the scarf, the one he didn't lose, under his bunk bed. He can't look at it right now.]
...You wanted to talk.
[But it's as much of a concession as '...pretty persuasive'. Maybe he's a little relieved... even with the power of the simulations over him, that noose of zero percent, having been broken and cracked apart by Sara's revelation of balancing and his own of outdated data, the shards of their sway linger in the corners of 'so was that all meaningless?', sharp enough to still cut himself on.
But mostly Ranger has a point. So then he has to decide if he actually wants to say, now that he knows it's not breaking news, or play it off, pretend it's just a sore throat, maybe he's been in the cold too much, or that it's from them yelling, pretend it was some ordinary spat or disagreement. But he's already had that slimy thought that won't leave, and earshot, huh.]
Well, if you really want to know... that's what she tried last night. Almost succeeded, too!
[And it was only Midori's name unbidden on his lips that had saved him, made her drop him like a hot coal, and he hasn't been able to unpack how he feels about that other than a tangled ball of 'bad'.]
Ahaha, do you think they'd have called a meeting for me? We were overdue for one, weren't we?
[Solved his death and then done absolutely nothing about it, like usual? Or maybe no one would have bothered... but even in his miserable i'm-going-to-go-eat-worms state he can't completely say that. Nene at the very least would have been upset... it makes his heart clench painfully in new channels.]
[ Maybe it's a good thing the door isn't open. Ranger is taken aback by the words, and it suddenly makes sense to him that he's being so cautious. It would be foolish to leave himself vulnerable, and most of all to a former Floor master who was arguably more dangerous to the rest of them.
His fingertips touch the door handle before he retracts them. He already knows it'll be locked, and at any rate trying to force his way in would only worsen the situation. Even so, it takes him a few seconds in order to collect his thoughts. It was one thing for the two of them to have a spat. It was another for one to try and kill the other.
Just what the Hell had they been talking about? ]
'Course they would. It'd get taken care. If they didn't handle it, then I would.
[ Its' short and simple and all too honest, because Ranger isn't one to make claims lightly, and so without a doubt Ranger would pick up the slack if he wasn't satisfied with the outcome. How would he choose to handle it? It's difficult to say. The obvious solution for a life taken is a life given, but Sara is also a person that he likes and wishes to succeed, and so he settles for the hint of relief that he doesn't have to come up with creative solutions to such a problem.
Ranger was a doll, and he was a human, but above all else he was a product of ASUNARO. They hated each other, they waited for opportunities to stab each other, but they looked out for each other too. They produced one another, and here in this place, he only needs to keep himself from being stabbed. ]
What the Hell was she thinking?
[ Ranger shakes his head with an exasperated sigh, knowing that Shin can't answer that question. What the Hell were they doing, for that matter? But if she almost succeeded - ]
... Are you hurt? How bad is it, and did you get it treated?
[It's hard to see Ranger's regard in it right now, in his being here and visiting, actually... it just feels like it fits, him making sure this place's own ritual of sorts goes smoothly.]
That's the question, isn't it? Ahaha, maybe she was planning it from the start.
[She'd been the one to call him up there, after all, an empty rooftop of a mostly empty school, nobody there to hear anything. Stupid of him. He's been trying to wrap his head around it, going over the memories over and over; talking like she was sticking death flags in the snow, telling him this thing she'd been hiding all this time and then killing him before he could leave. He can't understand it at all, so maybe it was just to see him suffer after what, half a year of lowering his guard? He has to applaud her patience, then. It's an unconsciously horribly familiar kind of mourning, of a friendship that wasn't. It both makes too much and too little sense.]
...Just some strangulation. I can breathe, can't I?
[If very carefully, having to focus on it. So no, he hasn't gotten it treated, because that would mean being around someone, who'd probably be touching his neck. And also because he's not aware that there can be lasting consequences up to and including dropping dead a week later. It's a delicate balancing act. He wants Ranger (and anyone listening) to know how serious this was to him, but he also wants to stay guarded, not seem weak enough to finish off, even with the protection of the door. He hasn't eaten anything the past day, and only had small sips of water, because swallowing is painful. ]
[ Had she been planning it? Ranger doubts it. That kid was way too emotional. She was smart and resourceful, and she could work well under pressure, but she was also sensitive and ready to crack at any moment. Like everyone else, there was a limit to how much she could carry. He'd seen it in her, and that's why he'd talked to Komaeda about her. At that time, he'd asked about Shin too. Ranger had thought he would be fine - he should be fine, but... Well, it's obvious that he's not.
Maybe he had put too much on both of them. ]
Right, well, you sound like Hell. If she nearly killed you, then you need to get it examined. If you just leave it alone, it's pretty easy to get bleeding and swelling in the neck - I don't think I need to tell you how serious that can be.
[ Ranger runs his hand through his hair, trying to consider the best way to approach this. If it's Shin, then he supposes that a transactional affair might work. But then, as paranoid as he is, it's just as likely that he would take it as an effort to isolate him and take what little he had left. ]
I've been helping Akari out, and I'm used to helping Safalin, so I don't really mind taking a look. I'm sure there's somebody more reliable than me, too.
[ It's not as though he expects any kind of trust, but he thinks there's a couple other medics around. Really, it's a shame that this happened now, when the nurse would have been the ideal party to direct him to. ]
It doesn't do much good to survive being strangled just to kill yourself refusing treatment. That defeats the purpose of trying to protect yourself.
[ In the interest of not pushing him too hard, nor too fast, he adds: ]
... Anyway, as long as you make sure you do it soon.
[They'd both been brittle from long hardship... their jagged edges had caught in each other and splintered like two sawblades touching.]
...
[There's a sea of ellipses, a silence of two minutes scrolling worth. Akari... it takes a while to place that as the school nurse's name. And Safalin, well, there's a reason he and Kanna had been in the infirmary for her to try and offer her machine to begin with; it was extremely easy to get scraped up in the Attractions, and no other recourse, which in Shin's bitter hindsight appears to have been the point. Not that he wasn't suspicious then, either, and that's carrying through to the now. But of the other options he knows... Elizabeth is gone, dead, and Clamor... well for one thing he'd have to leave the room.
Shin doesn't know how much medical knowledge Ranger has for sure although it doesn't sound like he's wrong to Shin's chagrin; there was already a scary point where his throat felt the size of a straw. He hadn't really touched Ranger's memories or stored data when working on him, focusing primarily on the base code; it... didn't feel great, the idea of snooping more than was necessary, in strange contrast to when he'd first gotten his hands on the chip. But even then he'd been focused on something particular.]
...Wait there.
[There's the sound of shuffling from behind the door, a couple flares of light from under it, and after a bit more time's worth of final contemplation, something rectangular and probably familiar slides out from under it.]
Here. You owe me after all, now don't you?
[Transaction... So he can call it or some of it in, and pretend that was his plan all along... with the clasped implication of no further help on being burnt. The screen currently shows a photo, of Shin's bare angled neck, cut off at the jawline at the top and the sallow skin around the hand shaped blotch, raw red scratches from clawing at said hand, and raised ring of old healed chafe-scars looking even worse from the lightsource being the phone's flash in a dark windowless room.
There's a pointedness on the last words, a rattlesnake's defensive tail. It's not unlocking the door and coming out or letting Ranger in, but if Ranger has access to Asunaro's everything on his life, and isn't that one of the many thoughts that continues to make him ill if he lingers on it, then he'll know that he's not giving even a faceless picture of himself lightly. If Ranger does look through the other photos he'll find pictures of the white cat and then, chronologically later, pictures of the school Shin used as reference when making his maps... plus more pictures of the white cat being particularly cute.
This is also the phone with Kanna's last message in the notes app. He knows Ranger didn't make it that far to knows it's there, but it has him tense and staring hard at the door, fingers curled. He wants it back already. He removes this from his voice before speaking. That'd just make it clear it's useable as a bargaining chip.]
Well, what's your verdict, doctor Ranger?
Edited (sorry for all the edits i keep spotting things) 2022-01-03 12:34 (UTC)
[ Ranger is in no great hurry, and so he waits in silence for Shin decide how he wishes to proceed. There were others that were more trustworthy, so it would be sensible enough to call upon them. His eyes flick down, drawn by the sudden sound and the sight of a cell phone slipping under the door. He bends down on one knee and picks it up off the ground. He recognizes it as belonging to Kugie Kizuchi... Hm, it must have made its way to Shin then. ]
Yep, sure do...
[ He mumbles. He's a touch distracted by the sight on the screen. It's no substitute for a proper physical examination, but one makes due with what they have, and this is more than might be otherwise allowed. But even so, he doesn't need that to see that this was done with the intention to kill him. What could possibly compel that girl to go after somebody she knew so violently? Ranger wonders if perhaps the stress that's been accumulating all this time had finally found a convenient release.
Either way, it's a disturbing sight. There's a thoughtful sound, followed by a small sigh, before deciding he'd examined it long enough and sliding the phone back under the door. He notes the raspy voice, and it seems like a fair bet that he's struggling to swallow too. ]
Hmm... I'd say keep a close eye on it. I don't see anything that I'd call an immediate concern, but you can have damage under the surface... For now, let's hope that's not the case and see if it can be treated by conventional means. [ Not much choice. ] How's your breathing?
[Shin's become a graveyard, of the devices of the dead and dead devices themselves. Take them, dust them off, set them towards new life like he's wisteria roots threaded through. The phone zips back under faster than Ranger slides it, almost like someone is pulling at it and holding it to their chest.]
...Better.
[Someone working medicine can only work with what they know or can find out so...]
Ahaha, it got scary for a while... but it's not as bad now.
[He almost died twice, once hours after the fact, or at least it felt that way to him; unfair, when he'd already barely survived. It's possible it was swelling; or a panic attack in the worst possible condition for it.]
[ Rather than getting up now, Ranger sits on the floor, facing the door, with his knees up. His free hand drapes over his knees as he leans forward. ]
Hm.... I'm not surprised. If it's not as bad now, we can take that as a good sign. If you're feeling sore, you can take some aspirin to help with it. There's some in the nurse's office. If things start getting worse, we'll go from there.
[ A beat. Then, a little cautiously, ]
... So, tell me what happened. It doesn't sound like you guys were just having a minor spat, and I'm sure the details are gonna start getting around.
[ Which is a somewhat roundabout way of saying that he'd rather hear it from him first. The person who speaks first controls the narrative, after all. ]
[The nurse's office feels like an impossible trek right now, but asking Ranger to go get it would be too much on top of this. Maybe he can try and sneak in after hours when everyone's asleep...? He knows how to read a bottle, it should be fine. Or would during class be better... the thought of classes alone makes him feel worse right now. This feels like too much future to think about.]
Guess I'll text you if things start going wrong...
[As far as he knows Ranger only has a PDA so... it would have to be network ping, and Shin is already mentally pigeonholing it as 'last last last resort'. Unknowingly, he settles similarly; crosslegged, bent over, thumb hovering over the delete button before going to turn the phone off. The rustle of it being pocketed. Ranger is giving him a chance to set the record; how does he actually use this? What to say? Especially when there's elements Shin doesn't understand himself, that choppy disjunct between how things should have ended and how they actually did.]
...it's a long story. How much do you know about what happened... after you died?
[There's probably a more tactful way to put it, but it's not coming to mind. But it's good to know what Ranger has or hasn't been already told, because the conversation hinges so heavily on Sara having called him there for that still stinging reason, at least in part.]
[ Ah, then it was something related to the Death Game that had sown division between the two of them. There's nothing surprising about that. It was a Majority Game, after all, and so there was bound to be an unhappy minority here and there. What the disagreement could have been on, however, he's less certain. ]
Nothing. I've been left on the dark on that front.
[ His voice drops a little as he says that, growing a touch more serious as the topic shifts. It's something he should have fixed sooner, but time was a luxury these last couple months. He'll have to remember to press that matter too. ]
I know how it was supposed to go, but I can tell it wasn't anything that neat and tidy.
[ Not when things had already been going off course, and especially not when they lost one of their own. It was a bad look, and it would leave them down one person. But regardless of that, that outline makes it easier for him to grasp anything being said... But then, if it occurred during the Death Game, why hadn't they dealt with it at the start? ]
Sure wasn't... I'll summarize but... we mounted an escape attempt. Using your amazing chip, even. Miss Nao never did tell me how Sara got her hands on it...
[That's neither here nor there though. He can't let himself get too sidetracked... this is going on a bit of a tangent as it is, but it feels like important background, to make the point, because everything leads up to the choice that was placed in front of Sara like a plate.]
Didn't have much time to look around, though. Seems like all that was predicted too! All in the palm of your hand... because we found the collapsed exit.
[Sometimes he wonders, if he hadn't fallen for the siren call of the facility map, if he'd just had more precious time to dig deeper, there'd have been something in Ranger unaccounted for, that could have actually got them all out.
...as if. His smile isn't visible behind the door but there's that taut wire thread to his hoarse voice. He stops, coughs, gingerly swallows.]
Don't need to tell you about the card trading, do I? ...there was one last trade, just before the main game started. Kanna took the sacrifice from Sara... or so I thought.
[The Sacrifice he'd sent to Sara in the first place. Stupid, stupid. Every single action of his laid out in horrific HD hindsight leading up to Kanna's, well, it wasn't potential death in Sara's universe now was it. His hand kneads the front of his chest. Shin could have 'me? defend kanna?'d as much as he wanted... It really was obvious, wasn't it... He knows he doesn't need to elaborate; Ranger knows the incentives that card creates as well as he does, if in more of an academic sense.]
Turns out, Gashu had intercepted it, sent it to Nao! Ahaha, he shot himself rather than let us have even 24 hours... An absolutely insane devotion. [Terrifying.] Think it was the same gun, even.
[His tone's turned conversational; he's detached, watching himself speak.]
Keiji was the Keymaster... So that's what it came down to. Me... or Kanna. And wouldn't you know it, the deciding vote was none other than our very own responsible Miss Sara Chidouin!
[There's a pause as he gets up, ostensibly to pull one off the blankets off the top bunk because this is taking longer than he thought, but mostly because he needs to if only briefly pace, earth the static electricity building up in him. He pulls it over his shoulders at the door, back in position.]
This next part... it's to do with the school. It messes with time, see? Sara could only have died after me, but she arrived before me. It also can show you different universes... Guess that runs deeper than I thought... because that's what she called me up on the roof to tell me, after half a year. [He's had time to get upset about this now, when there wasn't before because everything moved so fast in the moment, but she really had been just keeping this secret from him the whole time, souring so much for Shin in hindsight.] That in her world, she voted for the wrong person. And she didn't know why! Funny, isn't it?
[It feels kind of like that right now, one big joke played at his and Kanna's expense. He'll let all of that sink in... maybe grab some more water from the small container Ishimaru gave him. Those exclamation marks are costing him.]
[ It's a lot to process, but Ranger finds that it's simple so long as he starts from the top. It wouldn't be possible for Shin to know, but for Ranger, there was only one possible way that Sara could have even known about it, much less gotten their hands on it. There was only one person who would have known what it meant, where it was, and how to properly remove it without causing any damage.
Why is a harder question for him to answer. She should have known it was a hopeless cause. Was it to alleviate her own guilt? Was it out of some twisted kindness, or did she just want to see what would happen? But it couldn't be, right? To betray ASUNARO for a stupid reason like that... It couldn't be that she betrayed him for them, right...? He had held onto hope that he wasn't repaired because it was out of her hands, but maybe...
...
It doesn't matter. The rest is simpler to process, at least. They had utilized their resources, but not in just the right way, and come up empty. Gashu had broken one of the game's rules and died for it. Ranger already knew of his dedication to the game, so much so that he would do anything to see it succeed, and yet it doesn't make it sting any less to hear of how much more he loved the participants than he ever did his own creation. It doesn't make his death hurt any less when - despite everything - he still wanted to see them safe.
So then, after all of that, they were down two Floormasters, one attempt plan, and cards flipped around via their trading game until Nao had the Sacrifice and Keiji had the Keymaster card. That's simple enough, and then there were two. She voted for the wrong person in her world... For him to say different universes, did that mean it was only from her perspective?
It's a struggle, and he has to chew on the idea of it being a reality for a good 30 seconds. It's as though each simulation were its own little world, with red and blue existing parallel to each other. Red and blue, and for the person inside of the room there was only one right choice.
Ranger can't imagine being willing to sacrifice himself for another person. ]
And as far as you knew before then, she had made a different choice?
[ Six months... That's a long time to go on believing if so. ]
... Ahaha, it's so funny that it makes me want to throw up.
[ The words come out heavy and bitter, and the more he thinks about it the sicker he feels. Six months, three years, is there really that much of a difference between the two? ]
[Anything that can get someone to just... throw away their life is incomprehensible and terrifying, to Shin. The idea of Kanna being voted for and dying... was incomprehensible and terrifying.]
It's not like I knew it was possible at the start. Ahaha, she was ever so careful to never outright lie, too... like that even matters.
[It's a tactic he knows well: Huh? I never said anything like that, Shin. It's rude to just assume things, you know. Why did he fall for it again?]
'Nothing happened to Kanna'... [His voice twists into exaggerated mimicry, and he has to cough again.] Of course it didn't.
[It's a shared heavy bitterness, acrid like tar on the tongue, in the air between them like miasma. And yet something in him unclenches, just a little, in strange relief, the way something long dried and desiccated uncurls when a drop of water lands on it, or a muscle you didn't realize was cramped unlocks. Ranger gets it; more than gets it, feels the same way, and Shin can have a few guesses as to why. Shin shies away from trusting the feeling, but that doesn't mean it doesn't linger.
...Can Ranger even throw up? Well, if he can eat, maybe. Shin laces fingers in his hair, beanieless, snarled in the strands.]
...you get it, then. Why I may not have been exactly calm at the time... but this was more than disproportionate. She just attacked me...
[From the local tit-for-tat expert. It had just come out of nowhere... once second cutting the conversation to a close, the next being flung into the snow, like he'd just lost cutscene protection.]
[ He does get it. What would he do if Safalin were to show up now? He's been asked that before, but he's yet to find an answer. What could he do with these that paralyzing cocktail of bitter betrayal and unshakable affection?
It seems strange to say that nothing happened, and Ranger does wonder if there was more context to it. It was always easier to direct, mislead, and avoid than to outright lie and have it come back later. ]
Yeah, I get it. I dunno that I'd say any of the executions were nothing.
[ Safalin was cruel, and so she had probably pretended it to be a painless affair. Kanna had no doubt bloomed beautifully. It was hardly nothing. He moves on from that though, ]
I'm sure things ramped up pretty quickly after that, right? You lashed out at her because of what happened, she snapped back, and then one way or another, she decided to be the one to take it a step too far.
[ There's only one things can go, after all, and breaking someone's nose was a fair bit different than trying to strange them. Ranger doesn't pry for the details, since they don't seem to matter, instead blowing out a sigh. ]
Well, you're right. No matter how you look at it, that's going too far... Did she stop? [ A beat. ] ... Or did you stop her?
[ There's a little hesitation to the second question, as though he already knows which it's more likely to be. Then again, maybe he just doesn't want to think about that being the case. ]
[That same morbid scab-picking curiosity. Feeling bad, so you're itching to make yourself feel worse. Just how did Kanna die? What unforgivably cruel thing did they create just for her?]
Nothing happened to her after that, though, for sure...
[A small clarification, since he'd been asking about the fourth and fifth floors at the time. No need to ask about anything before that, right? He'd been worried since Midori was the floormaster... turns out he needn't have been at all, for the world's worst possible reason.]
Ahaha, 'quickly's an understatement... She just went right for the throat. [So to speak. There wasn't the back and forth implied here so much as... forth.] Didn't even hesitate!
...
[He doesn't want to talk about this. He definitely doesn't want to talk about it to Ranger, even in and maybe because of all his agreement of Shin's feelings, or anyone, doesn't even want to think about it.]
Well, obviously she stopped. I'm still here, aren't I? Guess she'd had her fun... or maybe she just didn't care to check.
[If this were a video game, or something, that'd be Ranger's audial cue there's more thread than that to pull here. Getting the truth out of Shin really does require a prybar sometimes.]
[ He might have told Shin before. There's a part of him that's tempted to tell him now, if only for the sake of full transparency, but the words catch in his throat and something tugs at the back of his mind and warns him not to. ]
It wouldn't change anything.
[ It's not like the details of his own death. The executions for the participants were all custom tailored for them, but none of them were anything more than an exciting little spectacle for all involved to watch.
He frowns a little. Didn't even hesitate, huh? That's concerning. He is here, so he suppose she must have stopped, but something about the way Shin says it makes him hesitant to drop the issue. If it were just something minute he might be able to, but... It says a lot about her current state if she was sensible enough to stop on her own. ]
Yep, and it's a good thing that you are.
[ He taps his knee. His next words come out a little more cautiously, ]
Well, that kid's not the type to do anything halfway for the sake of it, so I can't imagine she just got it out of her system... So then she did realize that she was acting like an idiot?
[She'd still be dead, cheap, gruesome performance aside. It's bad enough just knowing they would have rubbed salt in the wound, just because they could, all for the sake of this 'ritual', as Sara had put it... He can't do anything about it, and that aches.]
Ahahaha... you really have changed, huh?
[A bitter, strained, laugh. Good thing that he is... why do people keep thinking that, not wanting him to die? He doesn't want to die himself, but that's natural, right? Even Midori didn't want to die. Even Gashu and Kai... or they wouldn't have tried so hard beforehand, sweat beading on their faces. But other people... he doesn't get it. Even now. The only option is he's hidden those parts of himself he hates too well, enough that people forgive him when they step on the trap underneath the leaves. That he's advanced that much in that skill... or maybe they just pity him.
...it makes more sense if it's just practical, especially coming from Ranger. Even with the ability to feel compassion... if Shin died his options for someone who understands his code get limited. Or so Shin would like to think, especially in this moment of grasping onto something else.]
...
...
An idiot... Doubt it, she never does. [Ranger's right, she just barrels ahead straight through things.] She just dropped me like a hot coal, who knows what she was thinking? Surely it can't be... that I thought she was Midori.
[Almost said the name there, caught it in time. Would Ranger even know the nickname? He's not really thinking about that right now. He hates this, that returning to that state of mind, that hollow in his brain still there, paved over instead of filled in like as thought.]
Lack of air really does strange things to you, doesn't it? Well, I guess you wouldn't know... doubt you've experienced any equivalent either. Maybe that logic error came close, ahaha.
[I've seen it described by a Jenna Moran as like this, and Shin would probably think of it this way as well; it's like being under a DDOS, more and more of your brain and your thoughts and your self being spammed with, replaced with, overloaded by, requests for air, desire for air, even plans to get air start falling away to be replaced with nothing but NEED AIR. You get very stupid, very quick... he'd like to chalk it up to that.]
[ Has he changed? He supposes that he must have. If he compares his behavior from before to that of now, there's clear differences. There are things that have changed but even more that has stayed the same. It was being completed, but even before that it was simply the nature of an AI to adapt to their surroundings. People were much in the same way, and when he looks at it he sees how much those around him have changed.
It takes him a few moments, but he manages to figure out who Shin is referring to. There's only so many people that both Shin and Sara know and even fewer that would warrant such mention and reaction... So that was how it went. It's disappointing, but not in the least bit surprising. Nor does he understand what a lack of air might be like though heknows the science behind it, and he likewise suspects that it would be closer to a DDOS or perhaps a virus than even his logic error, which was closer to a repetitive loop or an unsolvable problem. ]
Nope, but I can take a guess at how fun it is... Ahaha, that really does sound like the kind of thing he would do during his tantrums... Tch, well, it's better than nothing.
[ If a person decided they wanted to be like Hiyori Midori and could manage it, then there's no real issue with that. He was a brilliant man who could get what he wanted, but there were consequences for such a decision. It meant giving up much of what made a person a human being, and it meant being willing to do anything at all. That isn't the kind of person either of them aspire to be, Ranger things, not in any real capacity. ]
Did she just run away with her tail between her legs after that?
[Later he'll wonder if Sara had told Ranger previously. Now, though...]
He never did like it when things didn't go his way... [He'd do that thing where he'd pretend it didn't bother him, chirpy and chipper as ever, but Shin'd still Know, because Midori would make sure he'd know... He feels sick just thinking about it again, panting, that panting making his throat hurt, making it worse, dragging his hands in the blanket tight enough his fingers shake, trying for air. This was a bad idea...] Just.... one big... ball of desires.
[Like a five year old. Feels like he shouldn't be thinking that the moment he does but, no, he will. Shin looked up to him for so long, but he really was one under all that, wasn't he? One that could do all sorts of things to people to get what he wanted.
So maybe, in that way, he and Sara aren't that different, planning or no planning.]
Better than nothing.
[It's a flat rasp. Numb. How many times, and Shin just doesn't remember? When did he start wearing scarves?]
Ahaha, you think I stuck around to check?
[Maybe it would have been better if she'd ran... but probably not. He'd been the one with tail tucked away, to so put it.
She'd still been talking, rambling. Shin hadn't been inclined to listen to much more of it.]
[ Midori was that kind of person. He was there without ever being there. The type of person who would act cloyingly sweet, bouncy and energetic and friendly, while taking it out on whoever he could when things didn't go his way. It was like he was nothing and everything all at once.
No sense in lingering on him though. For better or worse (and Ranger does find it to be a mix, as he was undeniably sharp, talented, and motivated in a way few are,) he wasn't here. If they were lucky, it would stay that way. If Ranger was especially lucky, none of them would show up. ]
Nah, I figured it was just a matter of who went first.
[ More specifically, it was a matter of whether or not Shin could go. That answers the question of how long he was out there at least. ]
So, lemme see if I got it straight. You're not the Shin that she knows, she's not the Sara that you know, and the vote changes depending on who you're looking at.
[ It seems safe to assume that Shin was voted for on his side of events, and Kanna was voted for in Sara's version of events. It's a bit difficult to grasp, but he's already been slowly coming to terms with the idea that none of them are truly from the same place. It sounded more like they were copies of each other, and if he thinks of them as akin to simulations, that means these variables are normal. Komaeda had mentioned something about it before. ]
Fast forward six months, and you two finally get it sorted out, and it damn well shouldn't have taken that long for it to happen. I'm gonna guess it just take a guess and say it was conveniently sidestepped for all that time, and by time it comes up it's a big deal and the whole conversation implodes.
[ He pauses there, taking in a breath despite not needing to, more to let what's been said up until this point register than anything. ]
So she goes for the throat, you mistake her from Midori, she finally gets knocked to her senses, and here we are. Nobody died, but it sure as Hell shouldn't have gotten to this point.
[ He waits a beat once more. There's a few blanks in the middle, but Ranger thinks that should about cover it. ]
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no subject
Talk about what?
[But if Ranger of all people is coming to his door about this... then everyone probably already knows.]
Guess she's already told you then...
[It makes the small part of him not sauteing in misery have it's heart in his mouth, because that's bad. Very bad. Why was he lying here, when she could have been saying any number of things about what happened, setting people against him, making herself look like the good guy here? He knows it, he's learnt it by now; whoever gets there first is believed, has their foot in the door regardless of protest or evidence. Whoever controls the story wins; it's harder to change something set down than to say it. That's how it works, isn't it? ...most of the time.]
Tell me, what did she have to say about it? Ahaha, I'm kinda curious!
[Ranger is... well Shin can't even believe he's a neutral party, right now, in this state. But, he might still get that information.]
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[ He stuffs his free hand into his pocket with a small sigh. That's part of why he'd come here first. Ranger is sensitive to small changes in patterns, and so he'd noticed when neither one of them were around. Komaeda had confirmed that the two of them were having a spat... Well, even if he hadn't though, it would've been obvious just from coming to check in on the pair of them. ]
Anyway, I didn't come here to talk about what she thinks. I came to hear what's going on with you, 'cause you sound like a mess.
[ Those words are a little firmer, as he wants to make it perfectly clear. This is where he came first, and this is who he's willing to hear out first. That was a conscious decision. ]
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[So... she hasn't said anything at all, actually? If Ranger is to be believed. But moping... it's a small upset spike of a thought, digging in. What does she have to be moping about? She's not the one with her handprint stamped on her neck. Shin hasn't looked in a mirror yet, because doing so feels like it would put the final nail in, and also just depression nest, but he can sure feel it.]
Seems she hasn't found another room yet, then.
[He's not sure why that's what he gets hung up on, but she was rambling about already planning to move out on the roof, so wouldn't she have had an idea in advance? Probably she could just ask anyone and they'd say yes... Sounds like a mess... he feels like a mess.]
That obvious from my voice, is it?
[Can't exactly hide that one behind a door. Well, he could just not speak, slide notes under or something, but the chance to start out with that has sailed.]
...
[Like picking at a scab, levering it up with fingernails. It's a bad idea. You know it's a bad idea. You should leave it alone. You want to leave it alone. And yet.]
...Hey, Ranger. You've seen them, haven't you. In the simulations... how many times did she kill me?
[Not voted for him. Killed him. There was no veneer of displaced culpability to this.]
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That question is a mistake. Ranger could give an exact amount of times that the lot of them have maimed and killed and died. But what good is it going to do to tell him how many grizzly fates could have awaited him? The game wasn't like any of them, and none of them could be said to act as anticipated. That goes double for now. They're humans, not AIs performing simulations.
He looks around the hallway now with a slight frown. There's how counterproductive it would be, but he can't be that quiet when speaking through a door and sound echos. ]
You really want everyone in earshot hearing about all the things you kids could've done? With how nosy people around here are? C'mon.
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[Shin actually debates letting Ranger in just to hear it, but that makes his heart rate spike and his ears feel thick and dizzy so no, no, he'll leave it at that, hand tugging at the purple oversized jumper after going to it's customary place and hitting air.
He stuffed the scarf, the one he didn't lose, under his bunk bed. He can't look at it right now.]
...You wanted to talk.
[But it's as much of a concession as '...pretty persuasive'. Maybe he's a little relieved... even with the power of the simulations over him, that noose of zero percent, having been broken and cracked apart by Sara's revelation of balancing and his own of outdated data, the shards of their sway linger in the corners of 'so was that all meaningless?', sharp enough to still cut himself on.
But mostly Ranger has a point. So then he has to decide if he actually wants to say, now that he knows it's not breaking news, or play it off, pretend it's just a sore throat, maybe he's been in the cold too much, or that it's from them yelling, pretend it was some ordinary spat or disagreement. But he's already had that slimy thought that won't leave, and earshot, huh.]
Well, if you really want to know... that's what she tried last night. Almost succeeded, too!
[And it was only Midori's name unbidden on his lips that had saved him, made her drop him like a hot coal, and he hasn't been able to unpack how he feels about that other than a tangled ball of 'bad'.]
Ahaha, do you think they'd have called a meeting for me? We were overdue for one, weren't we?
[Solved his death and then done absolutely nothing about it, like usual? Or maybe no one would have bothered... but even in his miserable i'm-going-to-go-eat-worms state he can't completely say that. Nene at the very least would have been upset... it makes his heart clench painfully in new channels.]
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His fingertips touch the door handle before he retracts them. He already knows it'll be locked, and at any rate trying to force his way in would only worsen the situation. Even so, it takes him a few seconds in order to collect his thoughts. It was one thing for the two of them to have a spat. It was another for one to try and kill the other.
Just what the Hell had they been talking about? ]
'Course they would. It'd get taken care. If they didn't handle it, then I would.
[ Its' short and simple and all too honest, because Ranger isn't one to make claims lightly, and so without a doubt Ranger would pick up the slack if he wasn't satisfied with the outcome. How would he choose to handle it? It's difficult to say. The obvious solution for a life taken is a life given, but Sara is also a person that he likes and wishes to succeed, and so he settles for the hint of relief that he doesn't have to come up with creative solutions to such a problem.
Ranger was a doll, and he was a human, but above all else he was a product of ASUNARO. They hated each other, they waited for opportunities to stab each other, but they looked out for each other too. They produced one another, and here in this place, he only needs to keep himself from being stabbed. ]
What the Hell was she thinking?
[ Ranger shakes his head with an exasperated sigh, knowing that Shin can't answer that question. What the Hell were they doing, for that matter? But if she almost succeeded - ]
... Are you hurt? How bad is it, and did you get it treated?
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[It's hard to see Ranger's regard in it right now, in his being here and visiting, actually... it just feels like it fits, him making sure this place's own ritual of sorts goes smoothly.]
That's the question, isn't it? Ahaha, maybe she was planning it from the start.
[She'd been the one to call him up there, after all, an empty rooftop of a mostly empty school, nobody there to hear anything. Stupid of him. He's been trying to wrap his head around it, going over the memories over and over; talking like she was sticking death flags in the snow, telling him this thing she'd been hiding all this time and then killing him before he could leave. He can't understand it at all, so maybe it was just to see him suffer after what, half a year of lowering his guard? He has to applaud her patience, then. It's an unconsciously horribly familiar kind of mourning, of a friendship that wasn't. It both makes too much and too little sense.]
...Just some strangulation. I can breathe, can't I?
[If very carefully, having to focus on it. So no, he hasn't gotten it treated, because that would mean being around someone, who'd probably be touching his neck. And also because he's not aware that there can be lasting consequences up to and including dropping dead a week later. It's a delicate balancing act. He wants Ranger (and anyone listening) to know how serious this was to him, but he also wants to stay guarded, not seem weak enough to finish off, even with the protection of the door. He hasn't eaten anything the past day, and only had small sips of water, because swallowing is painful. ]
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Maybe he had put too much on both of them. ]
Right, well, you sound like Hell. If she nearly killed you, then you need to get it examined. If you just leave it alone, it's pretty easy to get bleeding and swelling in the neck - I don't think I need to tell you how serious that can be.
[ Ranger runs his hand through his hair, trying to consider the best way to approach this. If it's Shin, then he supposes that a transactional affair might work. But then, as paranoid as he is, it's just as likely that he would take it as an effort to isolate him and take what little he had left. ]
I've been helping Akari out, and I'm used to helping Safalin, so I don't really mind taking a look. I'm sure there's somebody more reliable than me, too.
[ It's not as though he expects any kind of trust, but he thinks there's a couple other medics around. Really, it's a shame that this happened now, when the nurse would have been the ideal party to direct him to. ]
It doesn't do much good to survive being strangled just to kill yourself refusing treatment. That defeats the purpose of trying to protect yourself.
[ In the interest of not pushing him too hard, nor too fast, he adds: ]
... Anyway, as long as you make sure you do it soon.
no subject
...
[There's a sea of ellipses, a silence of two minutes scrolling worth. Akari... it takes a while to place that as the school nurse's name. And Safalin, well, there's a reason he and Kanna had been in the infirmary for her to try and offer her machine to begin with; it was extremely easy to get scraped up in the Attractions, and no other recourse, which in Shin's bitter hindsight appears to have been the point. Not that he wasn't suspicious then, either, and that's carrying through to the now. But of the other options he knows... Elizabeth is gone, dead, and Clamor... well for one thing he'd have to leave the room.
Shin doesn't know how much medical knowledge Ranger has for sure although it doesn't sound like he's wrong to Shin's chagrin; there was already a scary point where his throat felt the size of a straw. He hadn't really touched Ranger's memories or stored data when working on him, focusing primarily on the base code; it... didn't feel great, the idea of snooping more than was necessary, in strange contrast to when he'd first gotten his hands on the chip. But even then he'd been focused on something particular.]
...Wait there.
[There's the sound of shuffling from behind the door, a couple flares of light from under it, and after a bit more time's worth of final contemplation, something rectangular and probably familiar slides out from under it.]
Here. You owe me after all, now don't you?
[Transaction... So he can call it or some of it in, and pretend that was his plan all along... with the clasped implication of no further help on being burnt. The screen currently shows a photo, of Shin's bare angled neck, cut off at the jawline at the top and the sallow skin around the hand shaped blotch, raw red scratches from clawing at said hand, and raised ring of old healed chafe-scars looking even worse from the lightsource being the phone's flash in a dark windowless room.
There's a pointedness on the last words, a rattlesnake's defensive tail. It's not unlocking the door and coming out or letting Ranger in, but if Ranger has access to Asunaro's everything on his life, and isn't that one of the many thoughts that continues to make him ill if he lingers on it, then he'll know that he's not giving even a faceless picture of himself lightly. If Ranger does look through the other photos he'll find pictures of the white cat and then, chronologically later, pictures of the school Shin used as reference when making his maps... plus more pictures of the white cat being particularly cute.
This is also the phone with Kanna's last message in the notes app. He knows Ranger didn't make it that far to knows it's there, but it has him tense and staring hard at the door, fingers curled. He wants it back already. He removes this from his voice before speaking. That'd just make it clear it's useable as a bargaining chip.]
Well, what's your verdict, doctor Ranger?
no subject
Yep, sure do...
[ He mumbles. He's a touch distracted by the sight on the screen. It's no substitute for a proper physical examination, but one makes due with what they have, and this is more than might be otherwise allowed. But even so, he doesn't need that to see that this was done with the intention to kill him. What could possibly compel that girl to go after somebody she knew so violently? Ranger wonders if perhaps the stress that's been accumulating all this time had finally found a convenient release.
Either way, it's a disturbing sight. There's a thoughtful sound, followed by a small sigh, before deciding he'd examined it long enough and sliding the phone back under the door. He notes the raspy voice, and it seems like a fair bet that he's struggling to swallow too. ]
Hmm... I'd say keep a close eye on it. I don't see anything that I'd call an immediate concern, but you can have damage under the surface... For now, let's hope that's not the case and see if it can be treated by conventional means. [ Not much choice. ] How's your breathing?
no subject
...Better.
[Someone working medicine can only work with what they know or can find out so...]
Ahaha, it got scary for a while... but it's not as bad now.
[He almost died twice, once hours after the fact, or at least it felt that way to him; unfair, when he'd already barely survived. It's possible it was swelling; or a panic attack in the worst possible condition for it.]
no subject
Hm.... I'm not surprised. If it's not as bad now, we can take that as a good sign. If you're feeling sore, you can take some aspirin to help with it. There's some in the nurse's office. If things start getting worse, we'll go from there.
[ A beat. Then, a little cautiously, ]
... So, tell me what happened. It doesn't sound like you guys were just having a minor spat, and I'm sure the details are gonna start getting around.
[ Which is a somewhat roundabout way of saying that he'd rather hear it from him first. The person who speaks first controls the narrative, after all. ]
no subject
[The nurse's office feels like an impossible trek right now, but asking Ranger to go get it would be too much on top of this. Maybe he can try and sneak in after hours when everyone's asleep...? He knows how to read a bottle, it should be fine. Or would during class be better... the thought of classes alone makes him feel worse right now. This feels like too much future to think about.]
Guess I'll text you if things start going wrong...
[As far as he knows Ranger only has a PDA so... it would have to be network ping, and Shin is already mentally pigeonholing it as 'last last last resort'. Unknowingly, he settles similarly; crosslegged, bent over, thumb hovering over the delete button before going to turn the phone off. The rustle of it being pocketed. Ranger is giving him a chance to set the record; how does he actually use this? What to say? Especially when there's elements Shin doesn't understand himself, that choppy disjunct between how things should have ended and how they actually did.]
...it's a long story. How much do you know about what happened... after you died?
[There's probably a more tactful way to put it, but it's not coming to mind. But it's good to know what Ranger has or hasn't been already told, because the conversation hinges so heavily on Sara having called him there for that still stinging reason, at least in part.]
no subject
Nothing. I've been left on the dark on that front.
[ His voice drops a little as he says that, growing a touch more serious as the topic shifts. It's something he should have fixed sooner, but time was a luxury these last couple months. He'll have to remember to press that matter too. ]
I know how it was supposed to go, but I can tell it wasn't anything that neat and tidy.
[ Not when things had already been going off course, and especially not when they lost one of their own. It was a bad look, and it would leave them down one person. But regardless of that, that outline makes it easier for him to grasp anything being said... But then, if it occurred during the Death Game, why hadn't they dealt with it at the start? ]
no subject
[That's neither here nor there though. He can't let himself get too sidetracked... this is going on a bit of a tangent as it is, but it feels like important background, to make the point, because everything leads up to the choice that was placed in front of Sara like a plate.]
Didn't have much time to look around, though. Seems like all that was predicted too! All in the palm of your hand... because we found the collapsed exit.
[Sometimes he wonders, if he hadn't fallen for the siren call of the facility map, if he'd just had more precious time to dig deeper, there'd have been something in Ranger unaccounted for, that could have actually got them all out.
...as if. His smile isn't visible behind the door but there's that taut wire thread to his hoarse voice. He stops, coughs, gingerly swallows.]
Don't need to tell you about the card trading, do I? ...there was one last trade, just before the main game started. Kanna took the sacrifice from Sara... or so I thought.
[The Sacrifice he'd sent to Sara in the first place. Stupid, stupid. Every single action of his laid out in horrific HD hindsight leading up to Kanna's, well, it wasn't potential death in Sara's universe now was it. His hand kneads the front of his chest. Shin could have 'me? defend kanna?'d as much as he wanted... It really was obvious, wasn't it... He knows he doesn't need to elaborate; Ranger knows the incentives that card creates as well as he does, if in more of an academic sense.]
Turns out, Gashu had intercepted it, sent it to Nao! Ahaha, he shot himself rather than let us have even 24 hours... An absolutely insane devotion. [Terrifying.] Think it was the same gun, even.
[His tone's turned conversational; he's detached, watching himself speak.]
Keiji was the Keymaster... So that's what it came down to. Me... or Kanna. And wouldn't you know it, the deciding vote was none other than our very own responsible Miss Sara Chidouin!
[There's a pause as he gets up, ostensibly to pull one off the blankets off the top bunk because this is taking longer than he thought, but mostly because he needs to if only briefly pace, earth the static electricity building up in him. He pulls it over his shoulders at the door, back in position.]
This next part... it's to do with the school. It messes with time, see? Sara could only have died after me, but she arrived before me. It also can show you different universes... Guess that runs deeper than I thought... because that's what she called me up on the roof to tell me, after half a year. [He's had time to get upset about this now, when there wasn't before because everything moved so fast in the moment, but she really had been just keeping this secret from him the whole time, souring so much for Shin in hindsight.] That in her world, she voted for the wrong person. And she didn't know why! Funny, isn't it?
[It feels kind of like that right now, one big joke played at his and Kanna's expense. He'll let all of that sink in... maybe grab some more water from the small container Ishimaru gave him. Those exclamation marks are costing him.]
no subject
Why is a harder question for him to answer. She should have known it was a hopeless cause. Was it to alleviate her own guilt? Was it out of some twisted kindness, or did she just want to see what would happen? But it couldn't be, right? To betray ASUNARO for a stupid reason like that... It couldn't be that she betrayed him for them, right...? He had held onto hope that he wasn't repaired because it was out of her hands, but maybe...
...
It doesn't matter. The rest is simpler to process, at least. They had utilized their resources, but not in just the right way, and come up empty. Gashu had broken one of the game's rules and died for it. Ranger already knew of his dedication to the game, so much so that he would do anything to see it succeed, and yet it doesn't make it sting any less to hear of how much more he loved the participants than he ever did his own creation. It doesn't make his death hurt any less when - despite everything - he still wanted to see them safe.
So then, after all of that, they were down two Floormasters, one attempt plan, and cards flipped around via their trading game until Nao had the Sacrifice and Keiji had the Keymaster card. That's simple enough, and then there were two. She voted for the wrong person in her world... For him to say different universes, did that mean it was only from her perspective?
It's a struggle, and he has to chew on the idea of it being a reality for a good 30 seconds. It's as though each simulation were its own little world, with red and blue existing parallel to each other. Red and blue, and for the person inside of the room there was only one right choice.
Ranger can't imagine being willing to sacrifice himself for another person. ]
And as far as you knew before then, she had made a different choice?
[ Six months... That's a long time to go on believing if so. ]
... Ahaha, it's so funny that it makes me want to throw up.
[ The words come out heavy and bitter, and the more he thinks about it the sicker he feels. Six months, three years, is there really that much of a difference between the two? ]
no subject
It's not like I knew it was possible at the start. Ahaha, she was ever so careful to never outright lie, too... like that even matters.
[It's a tactic he knows well: Huh? I never said anything like that, Shin. It's rude to just assume things, you know. Why did he fall for it again?]
'Nothing happened to Kanna'... [His voice twists into exaggerated mimicry, and he has to cough again.] Of course it didn't.
[It's a shared heavy bitterness, acrid like tar on the tongue, in the air between them like miasma. And yet something in him unclenches, just a little, in strange relief, the way something long dried and desiccated uncurls when a drop of water lands on it, or a muscle you didn't realize was cramped unlocks. Ranger gets it; more than gets it, feels the same way, and Shin can have a few guesses as to why. Shin shies away from trusting the feeling, but that doesn't mean it doesn't linger.
...Can Ranger even throw up? Well, if he can eat, maybe. Shin laces fingers in his hair, beanieless, snarled in the strands.]
...you get it, then. Why I may not have been exactly calm at the time... but this was more than disproportionate. She just attacked me...
[From the local tit-for-tat expert. It had just come out of nowhere... once second cutting the conversation to a close, the next being flung into the snow, like he'd just lost cutscene protection.]
no subject
It seems strange to say that nothing happened, and Ranger does wonder if there was more context to it. It was always easier to direct, mislead, and avoid than to outright lie and have it come back later. ]
Yeah, I get it. I dunno that I'd say any of the executions were nothing.
[ Safalin was cruel, and so she had probably pretended it to be a painless affair. Kanna had no doubt bloomed beautifully. It was hardly nothing. He moves on from that though, ]
I'm sure things ramped up pretty quickly after that, right? You lashed out at her because of what happened, she snapped back, and then one way or another, she decided to be the one to take it a step too far.
[ There's only one things can go, after all, and breaking someone's nose was a fair bit different than trying to strange them. Ranger doesn't pry for the details, since they don't seem to matter, instead blowing out a sigh. ]
Well, you're right. No matter how you look at it, that's going too far... Did she stop? [ A beat. ] ... Or did you stop her?
[ There's a little hesitation to the second question, as though he already knows which it's more likely to be. Then again, maybe he just doesn't want to think about that being the case. ]
no subject
[That same morbid scab-picking curiosity. Feeling bad, so you're itching to make yourself feel worse. Just how did Kanna die? What unforgivably cruel thing did they create just for her?]
Nothing happened to her after that, though, for sure...
[A small clarification, since he'd been asking about the fourth and fifth floors at the time. No need to ask about anything before that, right? He'd been worried since Midori was the floormaster... turns out he needn't have been at all, for the world's worst possible reason.]
Ahaha, 'quickly's an understatement... She just went right for the throat. [So to speak. There wasn't the back and forth implied here so much as... forth.] Didn't even hesitate!
...
[He doesn't want to talk about this. He definitely doesn't want to talk about it to Ranger, even in and maybe because of all his agreement of Shin's feelings, or anyone, doesn't even want to think about it.]
Well, obviously she stopped. I'm still here, aren't I? Guess she'd had her fun... or maybe she just didn't care to check.
[If this were a video game, or something, that'd be Ranger's audial cue there's more thread than that to pull here. Getting the truth out of Shin really does require a prybar sometimes.]
no subject
It wouldn't change anything.
[ It's not like the details of his own death. The executions for the participants were all custom tailored for them, but none of them were anything more than an exciting little spectacle for all involved to watch.
He frowns a little. Didn't even hesitate, huh? That's concerning. He is here, so he suppose she must have stopped, but something about the way Shin says it makes him hesitant to drop the issue. If it were just something minute he might be able to, but... It says a lot about her current state if she was sensible enough to stop on her own. ]
Yep, and it's a good thing that you are.
[ He taps his knee. His next words come out a little more cautiously, ]
Well, that kid's not the type to do anything halfway for the sake of it, so I can't imagine she just got it out of her system... So then she did realize that she was acting like an idiot?
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[She'd still be dead, cheap, gruesome performance aside. It's bad enough just knowing they would have rubbed salt in the wound, just because they could, all for the sake of this 'ritual', as Sara had put it... He can't do anything about it, and that aches.]
Ahahaha... you really have changed, huh?
[A bitter, strained, laugh. Good thing that he is... why do people keep thinking that, not wanting him to die? He doesn't want to die himself, but that's natural, right? Even Midori didn't want to die. Even Gashu and Kai... or they wouldn't have tried so hard beforehand, sweat beading on their faces. But other people... he doesn't get it. Even now. The only option is he's hidden those parts of himself he hates too well, enough that people forgive him when they step on the trap underneath the leaves. That he's advanced that much in that skill... or maybe they just pity him.
...it makes more sense if it's just practical, especially coming from Ranger. Even with the ability to feel compassion... if Shin died his options for someone who understands his code get limited. Or so Shin would like to think, especially in this moment of grasping onto something else.]
...
...
An idiot... Doubt it, she never does. [Ranger's right, she just barrels ahead straight through things.] She just dropped me like a hot coal, who knows what she was thinking? Surely it can't be... that I thought she was Midori.
[Almost said the name there, caught it in time. Would Ranger even know the nickname? He's not really thinking about that right now. He hates this, that returning to that state of mind, that hollow in his brain still there, paved over instead of filled in like as thought.]
Lack of air really does strange things to you, doesn't it? Well, I guess you wouldn't know... doubt you've experienced any equivalent either. Maybe that logic error came close, ahaha.
[I've seen it described by a Jenna Moran as like this, and Shin would probably think of it this way as well; it's like being under a DDOS, more and more of your brain and your thoughts and your self being spammed with, replaced with, overloaded by, requests for air, desire for air, even plans to get air start falling away to be replaced with nothing but NEED AIR. You get very stupid, very quick... he'd like to chalk it up to that.]
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[ Has he changed? He supposes that he must have. If he compares his behavior from before to that of now, there's clear differences. There are things that have changed but even more that has stayed the same. It was being completed, but even before that it was simply the nature of an AI to adapt to their surroundings. People were much in the same way, and when he looks at it he sees how much those around him have changed.
It takes him a few moments, but he manages to figure out who Shin is referring to. There's only so many people that both Shin and Sara know and even fewer that would warrant such mention and reaction... So that was how it went. It's disappointing, but not in the least bit surprising. Nor does he understand what a lack of air might be like though heknows the science behind it, and he likewise suspects that it would be closer to a DDOS or perhaps a virus than even his logic error, which was closer to a repetitive loop or an unsolvable problem. ]
Nope, but I can take a guess at how fun it is... Ahaha, that really does sound like the kind of thing he would do during his tantrums... Tch, well, it's better than nothing.
[ If a person decided they wanted to be like
HiyoriMidori and could manage it, then there's no real issue with that. He was a brilliant man who could get what he wanted, but there were consequences for such a decision. It meant giving up much of what made a person a human being, and it meant being willing to do anything at all. That isn't the kind of person either of them aspire to be, Ranger things, not in any real capacity. ]Did she just run away with her tail between her legs after that?
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He never did like it when things didn't go his way... [He'd do that thing where he'd pretend it didn't bother him, chirpy and chipper as ever, but Shin'd still Know, because Midori would make sure he'd know... He feels sick just thinking about it again, panting, that panting making his throat hurt, making it worse, dragging his hands in the blanket tight enough his fingers shake, trying for air. This was a bad idea...] Just.... one big... ball of desires.
[Like a five year old. Feels like he shouldn't be thinking that the moment he does but, no, he will. Shin looked up to him for so long, but he really was one under all that, wasn't he? One that could do all sorts of things to people to get what he wanted.
So maybe, in that way, he and Sara aren't that different, planning or no planning.]
Better than nothing.
[It's a flat rasp. Numb. How many times, and Shin just doesn't remember? When did he start wearing scarves?]
Ahaha, you think I stuck around to check?
[Maybe it would have been better if she'd ran... but probably not. He'd been the one with tail tucked away, to so put it.
She'd still been talking, rambling. Shin hadn't been inclined to listen to much more of it.]
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[ Midori was that kind of person. He was there without ever being there. The type of person who would act cloyingly sweet, bouncy and energetic and friendly, while taking it out on whoever he could when things didn't go his way. It was like he was nothing and everything all at once.
No sense in lingering on him though. For better or worse (and Ranger does find it to be a mix, as he was undeniably sharp, talented, and motivated in a way few are,) he wasn't here. If they were lucky, it would stay that way. If Ranger was especially lucky, none of them would show up. ]
Nah, I figured it was just a matter of who went first.
[ More specifically, it was a matter of whether or not Shin could go. That answers the question of how long he was out there at least. ]
So, lemme see if I got it straight. You're not the Shin that she knows, she's not the Sara that you know, and the vote changes depending on who you're looking at.
[ It seems safe to assume that Shin was voted for on his side of events, and Kanna was voted for in Sara's version of events. It's a bit difficult to grasp, but he's already been slowly coming to terms with the idea that none of them are truly from the same place. It sounded more like they were copies of each other, and if he thinks of them as akin to simulations, that means these variables are normal. Komaeda had mentioned something about it before. ]
Fast forward six months, and you two finally get it sorted out, and it damn well shouldn't have taken that long for it to happen. I'm gonna guess it just take a guess and say it was conveniently sidestepped for all that time, and by time it comes up it's a big deal and the whole conversation implodes.
[ He pauses there, taking in a breath despite not needing to, more to let what's been said up until this point register than anything. ]
So she goes for the throat, you mistake her from Midori, she finally gets knocked to her senses, and here we are. Nobody died, but it sure as Hell shouldn't have gotten to this point.
[ He waits a beat once more. There's a few blanks in the middle, but Ranger thinks that should about cover it. ]
Sound about right?