yogen | この気持ち…伝わってるといいんすけどね (12/31)

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この気持ち…伝わってるといいんすけどね (12/31)

Who: Hajime Hinata & friends
What: Happy birthday, Hinata-kun!
When: December 31, 9PM~
Where: School roof
Warnings: N/A, TBE

( there's various hidden signs that point towards the elevator, and if anyone catches sight, they'll see an arrow that points up, indicating for them to take it skyward. if they get off too early, there's a sign on the floor that reads, "next stop!", so if they dare, they can go back into the elevator and do as the words command. upon making your way to the rooftop on new year's eve, the setup is immediately apparent.

a number of glittering, sparkling decorations line the area — streamers, balloons, music, and a brightly colored sign the reads: happy birthday hinachan. at the heart of the setup is a bonfire that reaches almost shoulder-height — properly set up to make sure it doesn't spread anywhere further than its containment area, it sets a festive tone.

"borrowed" desks are also covered in an array of treats and appetizers courtesy of nene and amami, as well as enough love setsugetsukka to "make 3 people black out," which is probably enough to share if nobody gets too ambitious. the cake at the center of it all is the real star of the show however, almost as big as a person all on it's own.

to top it all off, even under the dim glow of the stars, nobody is short of a little light when natsume and noah's dazzling light show begins. once the main event has closed, a variety of firecrackers are brought out to celebrate with as things begin to wind down. varieties include the classic sparklers, these little spinny bitches, funky little sparkshowers, some little baby rockets, with the larger varieties spanning a couple feet at most. on the opposite side, there's a little table where a birdhouse is kept, and inside stuffed with all sorts of cotton and wood shavings are two birds huddled together inside, and a few treats that people can feed them if interest. if keigo looks at your character from afar, it's fine, that birdhouse they're living in was made by them, after all.

and at the centre of it all will be one boy with a bag over his head, kidnapped by rokuro arata, who sits him down and lets komaeda undo his blindfold — happy birthday, hinata-kun! )

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The nickname, first.

( their concerns and worries are valid, that creeping fear of losing who they are just because of a contract that they made. komaeda changes the subject for the moment, giving them a bit of reprieve so he can think on their options, he has ideas, but they're ambitious, they're morally wrong, and he knows he'd be called crazy if he said so. )

After, we can brainstorm.

[ As if their contract isn't ambitious, morally wrong, and crazy enough that they would take what they can get, whatever last ditch efforts people can throw their way because they have, very literally, nothing left to lose. ]

...Kogamo. [ whispered, with a nervous shuffle of their feet ] Hearing it makes me feel safe.

[ warm, happy, like they're two again and capable of handing over their entire heart to another person and know it'll be okay ]

...

( with one hand, he pinches the bridge of his nose to calm himself down, it's that name, the one that... rokkun typically calls them. komaeda pauses, thinking it over, but he continues on with that information. calling them that would mean what? as someone who doesn't want to replace rokkun, he sighs. )

Because it reminds you of him.

( which isn't wrong, they were like an umbrella for them that kept them safe from the rain. )

Do you want to have a crazy conversation with me?

[ They steal a glance at him and then looks away, stomach churning, because it's a precious name that they're holding out to him and he doesn't take it. Why... ]

Okay... About what?

( he never rejected it, now did he? if they're looking away because they feel scared, worried, fumbling without even taking a step... komaeda will watch them. maybe that name is important, but he pulls up a chair, scooting it behind the shopkeeper so they can sit down. )

It's your soul that you exchanged, correct? Plato once said, there's three parts. Rational, spirited and appetitive parts, have you heard of it?

[ Not using it is the same as rejecting it ]

No...

[ Is this such a crazy conversation that they have to preemptively sit down so they don't fall over from the shock? This is feeling familiar, but they take the seat. ]

I've heard about how a person can be seen as the mind, the body, and the soul, but nothing about the soul being further divisible.

Mind, body, and soul does nothing for us... because you offered your soul, not your mind or your body... part of me wish you had given up your latter...hm.

( komaeda props himself up on a desk, crossing his arms as he tries to look at the time because he knows he has to go see npckun's dumbass brother as the year turns because this is their "anniversary." )

But... these bodies are technically our "souls," in a way. I was curious, if we took another student's body, and replaced you in them, and them in you... at the deadline, could they take this "soul" of yours, even if you aren't inside?

( it's a stretch, or maybe it doesn't make sense, but he's trying to read between the lines since nothing is an open book. he thinks back to when npckun was possessed, and that maybe they could do that again, but in a different manner that would keep them safe. for komaeda to go this far is... hm. )

Wha— no! No way! No!

[ They stand up, chair screeching behind them as they grab Komaeda's wrists, trying to hold him there, hold him- keep him from thinking any more than they do about that time they were possessed, how it felt to flicker. ]

I don't want to be inside somebody else! You can't— I need to be me! Don't break me!

...I told you it was crazy.

( even he flinches when npckun grabs his wrists, and his eyes glance down because on one hand he can feel their warmth, on the other, there's nothing. was suggesting that wrong, it's an option, a risky avenue for them to take, but what if it works. he closes his eyes, sighing softly as he chuckles softly. )

Are you mad at me for that...? I really am a failure, aren't I...

( and komaeda would do it without consent, but he tries to withdraw his thoughts from it. )

Don't worry, Kogamo, we'll figure this out...!

( and like that, he perks back up as if the rejection of his idea hadn't upset him. )

[ Ah. Their grip tightens on his wrists at the nickname, relaxing, squeezing again, trying to shake away the thought of their brother proposing something like this and how fully they would have trusted him and how readily they would have said yes, and how they cannot do that, even if it were him. ]

I'm not mad at you, I'm just... I need to be me. I don't want people to look at me, and not know who I am.

[ They don't want to look at somebody they love, and for the other person to look back as if they were a stranger. ]

You'd still be you, if it's the soul... appearances hold no weight. You're always you, personalities are intrinsic, you know?

( so is the heart, npckun could look like anyone in the world, but at the end of the day, they'll still be like this. though they're afraid of what could happen on an appearance front, and komaeda shakes his head. he allows them to keep his wrists, and they'll find one colder than the other. )

This arm of mine, wasn't with me when I was born. Yet, I'm still Nagito Komaeda with it, as long as we know who you are...

( ah, it sounds crazy, why would he say that, but that's because komaeda is different in his thoughts. if it isn't absurd, then there's no hope in it. )

That's an arm. You're talking about replacing an entire... me.

[ And a lot of what they are, they attribute to how they look. Cute, with soft mochi cheeks. Hugs that feel just right and won't anymore when they're somebody else. Subaru said he liked their smile. And them without any of that?

... ]

You're talking about reincarnation.

Hm, it is an arm. You're right.

( he's trying to see eye to eye, and maybe the mass to what he gave of a length doesn't equal out the same. he hums in thought, closing his eyes, they're attached to who they are now. it's hard to make any changes, anything that could help them, they want to be them. he can hear it in their voice. )

Say we don't do it, we forgo the idea, then... what options have you thought of. If you want, we can brainstorm.

Umm...

[ What have they thought of? They haven't really been thinking of anything, had resolved themselves to this fate and if they don't think about it they won't be scared of it and that's the only way they can move forward. Could move forward. But now... ]

I don't know yet... I get scared thinking about it. When I first died, I... [ ... ] it was easier to accept because I chose it. I wanted it. [ They had nothing left to lose, but now, now they have everything. Friends, family, love, birds... It makes them scared, and it makes them regret, and it's the same song and dance Komaeda has heard before, so they push themselves past it.

... ]

Subaru is the only other person who knows. He said he would help.

[ And Subaru isn't a BLABBERMOUTH who would tell somebody who would tell somebody else and aaaaaaaaa ]

( "he said he would help," and so will the other fifteen people he told. )

He will, and I will... The people who care for you will do what they need to, it's hard to put into words when we have no concrete idea, but it'll form.

( but they don't have the time, and komaeda blinks as he thinks about what do they have? body swapping won't work with them, if only there was a way to duplicate their body. he closes his eyes in thought, he could also upload their conscious into a computer, and have them there, but they'd probably grow lonely. )

You can want it, but this... what's going to happen to you is something you don't want, so you have to... help me... help you.

( and komaeda doesn't ask for help in that manner, he doesn't. )

Edited 2022-01-02 06:04 (UTC)

[ adds onto the list of basic things they probably should have told Amami like five months ago ]

...dad used to say that too. But I don't know... I don't know. Maybe if the other side breaks the contract but that's... [ not only impossible, but it'll nullify their end too, and they won't be able to save anyone ]

That would mean destroying the school, or making sure Aniki won't ever exist again.

( why didn't npckun tell amami anything, i'm crying. )

...What do you think of this school? Would you rather see it up in flames, or covered in blood?

( slow and thoughtful those questions come out, curious of what the other may say. everyone has their own opinions on the matter, but who knows if they feel the same way too. )

Think of this as attending philosophy, does something of that nature feel right or wrong, etcetera.

[ Because Amami isn't a BULLY like Komaeda and Subaru are ]

No- neither? [ Why are those the only choices? ] I like the people here. They're kind and— well, some of them are mean and scary, but I don't want them to be hurt either. And this place is dad's precious school. I don't want anything bad to happen to it.

( not how this is mizuki's world, and we're just living in it. )

How precious is it to him? Would he do anything to keep it standing...

( komaeda getting an idea in his brain which isn't a good idea, but you know it's an idea regardless. )

Maybe I'm a monster, and I'll take everyone down with me!! ( he laughs it off, batting his hand in the air like some rich, pompous kid. ) But that's unlike me.

( sometimes. )

[ yeah ]

It's more precious to him than family.

[ More precious to him than themselves, left alone in a little cabin in the woods while their dad poured everything into his work— his passion, his love, his time, everything that they hungered for. If this school never existed, then... then...

... ]

But he's not a monster, and neither are you.

Could he make you a student? ...You're just a normal, generic shopkeeper.

( how would that work? who knows, he has more power over things than most people here, and him and npckun sort of have the same gimmicks. )

There has to be a way, there's always is when you have hope. So many avenues, so many things you could like or dislike, but...

( rubs chin, hmmmm.... )

[ Could he? If he could, would they want that? They've never formally gone to school, sitting at a desk surrounded by people makes them nervous, and if they became a student, they would lose their one place to hide in that they can shut the world out and be safe inside. Maybe they would make friends; surely they will make enemies; at any given moment they could be killed by somebody who does it just be cause they can. They would be put through the same trials as everybody else, they wouldn't be able to go outside, they would be handed a knife and told to kill, they would face danger and darkness and an never ending cycle of hell— would it be better to suffer existence, than to not exist at all?

... ]

...I don't want to give up on my wish, just so I can live. If I did that... everything I did over the last five months, everything I did to get here in the first place, wouldn't it all have been pointless?

You're becoming selfish.

( as komaeda loathes to point out, it seems that every thoughtful answer comes with an excuse from the other. it's derailed from just that wish, )

If that was the case, you would have brushed us off. If that was true, you wouldn't have thought about living a life with... those that you care about.

( npckun has went off track, but that doesn't mean their goal has truly been taken from them. he lifts one hand, opening and closing the prosthetic as the soft whirr plays, and after a few slow movements, he finds that it's enough for someone to think about. )

You'd only be giving up if you so choose to, that contract was only part of your goal. You can continue without it, besides, that would be calling those you care for too, pointless. I've never cared for solo endeavors, and you relied on someone, that was your first mistake, and the moment you went behind your own contract.

( that said could it be done, would they just have to find npckun's father who loves this precious school. to take their child out of one role, and settle them into another, could something like that be possible?

they'd lose their shopkeeper, but that doesn't matter. no one cares for the shopkeeper, )

You can't continue running away, and when help is offered, you turn your back on it.

[ "Becoming," as if they weren't always, as if it weren't a key trait that defines their existence. But what's wrong with wanting it all? To get their family back, to keep their friends close, to be able to exist amongst them. ]

Can you save him?

[ Because that's what all of this hinges on, for them, if they can guarantee their brother can be saved, then they can let go of the contract, but until then, it's still a lifeline. ]

( stop being selfish! he pauses, staring at npckun as he thinks over their request. save him... )

Yes. I've saved him once... so why can't I do it again?

( it was komaeda's knowledge and actions, it was his voice that decided whether he lived or died, it might have been better then to let him die. if he didn't exist, what would the other have done? how would that contract have worked there? plain and simple, they probably wouldn't be an arata. )

I'll save him. There's people who care about him, so don't give up on us.

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