yogen | like a bitter stranger

Entry tags:

like a bitter stranger

Who: Everyone
What: Our monthly family meeting.
When: March 5th, 2000.
Where: Yogen dorms common room.
Warnings: Discussions of murder, suicide, child death...more?

[ A message goes up on the forums late Friday evening.

S.chidouin: Group meeting in the dorms Saturday. 12:00. No punching. No stabbing. I'll bring stickers.

If your character would not find a post from Sara worth listening too, Bonnie is wandering around, vaguely noting how important this meeting is, and how very much you should attend. No further details are forthcoming.

The meeting itself is a quiet affair. The fireplace is not lit, there are no snacks. Sara waits in the corner for everyone to arrive and get settled and then she clears her throat to speak. ]

As most of you know... [ It's hard to start, but her voice gets firmer as she goes on. ] We spent the last two months investigating Maya Arisu's murder. That case is solved. A few weeks ago, Bonnie-chan and I found the culprit.

Rantaro Amami killed Maya Arisu, Hiro Arisu, the vice principal and is presumably responsible for the scene with Keigo Arata. He is also dead. I just figured...everyone should know. To many people got hurt the last few months. I'm sorry.

[ She fiddles with her hair. That's all...she really has to say. There's not much more then that as the gist of it. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

( it makes perfect sense why this story is in his registry.

...

komaeda doesn't say anything as they take the right path to the library, and as they enter, ranger was right— it's just them. no one else. he finds a table to sit at, he sits on the opposite side of where the other is, and he crosses his arms, and lays his head into his arms. no different from a student who wants to fall asleep in class without a book in front to hide them from view.

for a child, innocently, they would love that story, because it sounds like such a nice outcome for those who have been tortured, and if they don't think of the robot as a person; it gets even easier. they're creative minds could think the android shut down afterwards, or that it went back home because it carried the will of the fragment who died, and so on, and so forth.

his feet scoot along the floor beneath him, not too much of a loud sound, but it's something to keep him busy.

everyone went home, but they were all part of that girl— scattered pieces, a test subject that lost control, but it's hard to take sides in the matter.

there's too many questions he has for this story, like all other stories. )

[ There's a lot that a person could take from it if they wanted to. Nature versus nurture, the dangers of science, what's left behind after a person is gone. It could be about love and sacrifice, or how the small moments and actions change trajectory. It could be about standing in the middle. It's a story about people, and so it can be taken in any way at all. But it's a distraction, and it's one that was on his mind, and it's one he can always tell more of. It's a long story. This, too, is just a piece of it.

It was one of five, and they all come together to form the whole. But this is the one that matters most.

He's quiet for awhile, letting that sink in. Rio doesn't ask for much in the way of conversation. But after some time has passed he slips out of his chair and takes a few light steps forward That need to fill the silence strikes him, but once more he finds himself uncertain of what it is that he can say without making things worse. His hands reaches out before the fingers curl and he withdraws it, because he knows his partner is uncomfortable with affectionate displays.

Anything he says, anything he does - Rio can only makes things worse, but silence and inaction seem equally unforgivable. ]

... I don't want you to die.

[ It's all that he can come up with, just a tiny contradiction of what others had said. ]

Because if you died... [ ... ] ... I don't know what I'd do.

[ He'd live, of course, because living isn't a choice for him. Happiness was never a necessity. Rio thinks it would be nice if he could dream. Perhaps he could just dream forever then, live in a world that he chose... It's a ridiculous thought, and he dismisses it quickly.

Rio watches for a little longer, searching for any reaction while thinking that receiving no response is a best case scenario. That's fine if so. He odesn't need one, since they're merely his feelings.

He's a little tired. ]

( it's a story with so many endings that could come to an unhappy scenario, happy scenario... painful, heartbreaking, and all sorts of ones that komaeda could spin in his head. about that, his own head hurts, he's tired of thinking because for once, he feels as if he's done something wrong— him and add have always had a stable relationship, but maybe even through all that there was another voice in his head telling himt o do the opposite. drop him into the void, ignore him, if he wanted, he could imagine that's also an ending for the story. )

Am I... the beautiful maiden that makes everyone's lives terrible?

( he lifts his head at the question, now he's playing god, decided what role belongs where. as soon as the harbinger of destruction is gone, that's when everyone can go home, and when the android is left alone with the will of someone else. if a shame that komaeda can't cry, he's lost the will to, so there's no burning at the bridge of his nose, and his eyes aren't stinging as he looks at rio.

where is he in this story that the other worries that komaeda will die, because it's for the best if that's the case. everyone else thought so, but rio's words are contradictory to theirs, and his gaze remains frozen on the table, cool... he feels cold. his feelings aren't like ice, nor are his words, their edges are softer, and if anyone can pick them up would be rio. he can tell that komaeda's trying to figure out where everything is placed, where it all connects together, and so it won't hurt to answer.

there's no serrated edges, there's no trick. )

Despair in small ounces isn't terrible, having a little means that the hope that fights back will be stronger!

( he forces a hand to push back the strands of hair behind his own ear, finally he can lift his head to offer his attention to the other. )

But that wasn't supposed to happen, no one was meant to be hurt... it was to be cause for a celebration.

( without the streamers and confetti, without the popping of balloons and cake, there was no actual party; but one where they could all see eye to eye; thank him for his efforts. the union of everyone that could find happiness in knowing that once they come back, they'd be happy for him doing what no one else would. there's strength in being able to take the step that frightens people, some have learned to fear death, but it was embraced; used for good. and yet...

yet...

... )

[ Who is he...? Ranger shakes his head. ]

You are Nagito Komaeda, a human, so you have to play all five roles at once.

[ The beautiful maiden who is in reality a tormented child ripping off butterfly wings, the beloved friend with no flaws, the cold and calculating scientist, the emotionless administrator, and of course, the mediator who is loved only when they're on the right side - the lightning rod for everything and anything. Ranger can't understand, because he was a dream catcher who took in all those negative emotions and hatred and let sweet dreams slip through.

But he can see it, the hurt and confusion there, the desire to slot everything in. The laughing doll, the crying doll, the dressup doll, the receptionist doll, and the doll who wasn't gifted name nor title. Komaeda is none of those, the participants and and students can't be those things, because none can divide themselves and erase the parts they dislike. Rio takes all of that in, and his heart aches so painfully that he's sure it'll break. He'll malfunction, need repair, and wouldn't that be so funny.

He draws in a breath that artificial lungs don't need instead. ]

... Did you know? You only need two people to form a complete world. The same goes for the truth. You just need two people. There's those that will reject it, and you're right, people get hurt - especially when they shouldn't... Over and over...

[ How many times has he seen it? How many times had he watched it? The words aren't his, but he repeats them. There's a kind of truth to those too - a self fulfilling prophecy, because so long as one other person believes it, then this too can be true. Two people can form an isolated world free of all intervention. One can only create a lonely world, split apart, use pieces of themselves as consolation while praying for something more.

Rio inches closer to Komaeda, keeping his eyes on him. ]

But it's fine, don't you think? Because they can join anytime... They can share in that truth anytime...

[ It's a mistake. He knows it is. But Rio closes that gap, wrapping his arms around Komaeda and burying his face in his hair. He closes his eyes for just a few seconds and tries to imagine the world as he might. He tries to think of a world where people support one another, trust one another, some world made up of good and just things. What love might feel like. Is that what he thinks is? It might not be, but maybe it's close enough. ]

... It's there waiting for them always, right?

[ It's a world that can grow bigger, become something ever more amazing. But that's not reality. But maybe one would. Maybe slowly it the world could correct itself. ASUNARO, too, wishes for a world in which their own cruelty and tactics aren't necessary. But there's no one other then Rio Ranger who can understand and so his world remains ever incomplete.

Rio squeezes gently before he opens his eyes. What makes a world between two people? What's the glue that holds it together? He knows what it is, but his mouth feels like cotton when he tries to say it.

They can invite others. It'll be bigger and better, a happier world. There are those who understand too, he'd seen it, so it's not that empty, it's not limited to them, and yet... ]

... I don't want a world without you in it.

[ There's just the faintest hint of pain to those words, because in the end he doesn't get a choice. He'll choose to live always, always, because the ideal human never breaks and always carries on no matter how painful it is. Just a few seconds more, just an eternity more, and then he let's go and there's a somewhat apologetic look - the look that a puppy gets after chewing on one's shoe, because he knows it was wrong and had done it anyway.

But even so he... ]

I-I don't either.

[ As soon as she knew Sara was okay, she followed them. But she hung back, trying not to listen in when she could see they were having a private conversation. She'd been thinking of just leaving quietly and then checking in on the both of them later.

But she can't hold herself back at that. It just slips out. After a few seconds' hesitation, she crosses the library and sits on Komaeda's other side. Carefully places a hand on his back so he knows she's there.

What does she even say to him? To somebody who will always believe he deserves the worst. She always wants to find the right route to help somebody, the right dialogue tree, but what if there is no right one? What if there's no way to convince somebody they deserve love?

But he's her friend, and she refuses to not at least try. She lost him once; she will lose him again someday, or vice versa; but in the meantime... ]

I c-care about you. I will always care about you. There isn't anything that's ever going to change that.

( there's no winning when the victor at the end of this race has never even started. that was life just passing him by, and never the body moving, and even then he doesn't know if that's a good or bad thing. he's always lived life without allowing the problems to bother him, because there's always something good at the end of the line, but he couldn't say the same thing for add.

add is the same person who can break themselves into fragments, who can destroy themselves, set themselves free, and everything else ranger has spoken about. someone should tell add the same set of words too, something that'll keep him thinking than listening to his own thoughts. komaeda's own thoughts were just as bleak at the start.

add's better than him anyway, he doesn't need a cute little story that's wrapped in a white bow for him to unwrap, and understand the meaning behind it. for being an ai that can make make a complete copy of anything, ranger's words stand out to him like a river of lights, an aerial torrent, like fireflies glowing. there's never a moment where the stream of water is never glowing, so he acknowledges every word in this darkness he finds himself in.

there's another hand on him as he's in someone's embrace, a voice that he knows well, but this person in their own light which comes quicker than he can mention. he would have prepared himself for what comes next had he the chance, but there's no time as it all comes down to who they care about, how they want to do it. )

Ahaha... saying things like that makes it difficult.

( he gets up now, managing to break free from their soothing gestures as he looks at one and then the other. )

I really don't deserve it as the party that wasn't injured.

( physically he wasn't, but mentally it gnaws at him. he pushes his chair up, walking to the other side of the table— they're both aware that too much affectionate gestures frightens him even though he's in a library. it's his insecurities now, just another layer behind his luck. )

I am sorry, Nanami-san... making you come out this far. I didn't mean to ruin the meeting for you both.

[ He should have heard the sound of footsteps, and if he had, Ranger never would have let such a carefully guarded part of himself be seen by someone who it wasn't intended for. It makes him feel sick, the way a person might feel if their diary was rifled through, because showing weakness is never an option. It's like having the one thing he allows himself ripped from his hands so it can be held by someone else.

Ranger thinks that he'll have Midori do a fuller check. It frightens him to think of some error in his system, some change that's dulling his senses, because for a doll who can focus on everything there is no being too distracted. But errors occur. He ensures they don't happen again.

The card was lifted to his face the second he caught sight of her. He should be happy, but what bubbles up is something else. It's insulting to have a person who did nothing but follow and intrude when it was convenient to pretend at care. No, not even that - you cared? You tried? What does any of that matter? There's trying, and there's doing, and no one had done anything that entire meeting.

There's not even the faintest trait of any of these thoughts present in his expression. Komaeda might be able to detect the lingering hint of concern, but nothing more, and to anyone else his expression is as unreadable as always. His partner steps to the other side in the table, and Ranger in turn takes several steps away from Nanami. He lets both have their space, albeit for opposite reasons, but that's nothing out of the ordinary - he doesn't like for people to be close either. ]

That doesn't matter.

[ Whether or not he was injured. Really , the entire point was to keep it that way. ]

That meeting ruined itself... Besides, I wasn't wanted there anyway, ahaha....

[ It doesn't escape her notice that she's broken up a private moment. She should have left after all, she thinks. Her stomach twists.

But she's not gonna just sit here and listen to her friends say those things about themselves. She can't help but care about her friends, more than she can bear, both the ones in the library with her and the ones she left behind in the meeting. And when two of them leave the meeting, and nobody bothers to follow after them or even wonder if they're doing okay...

How can she look aside, after everything? How can she let herself be the cause of a group breaking up again, through her inaction? How can she let anybody, especially Komaeda who she knows does this so often (including back at home), feel unloved, when the opposite is the case?

To Komaeda, she looks first. ] You weren't uninjured. [ Quiet, but firm. ] I heard what he said to you. How would you feel if he had said those things to me?

[ And then she turns to Ranger, and her face softens - there's a flicker of unease, because she may still be working out social interactions in a lot of ways, but she can tell that her arrival troubled him the most. She'll say her piece and then get out, she resolves. Leave them be. ] You had as much right as any of us to be there. But...

[ She hesitates and looks up to the ceiling, then shakes her head. ] Mm... I don't know how to fix it, but this keeps happening at meetings... we all need to be better, I guess.

Edited 2022-03-12 03:54 (UTC)

Don't say that. ( the flat of his tongue brushes against his teeth, pointing to ranger. ) I wanted you there.

( komaeda has no rebuttal for anyone else because he hadn't been paying attention like he should have when it came to ranger's needs. he failed in that regard too by not keeping his eyes peeled, his ears open to what was being said— for not jumping one place to another, and instead he did the opposite of that: stayed in one place. that's pretty rare for komaeda who moves constantly, as long as he's on the move, his thoughts can hardly catch up, along with his problems, and that's an advantage that keeps him safe.

ranger can say anything he desires at this moment, that komaeda hadn't seen, that he hadn't heard what was spoken between him and the participants. he sits down on the other side of the table now as his eyes move to nanami next, mulling over her words because it's no secret what komaeda would have done if the same was said to her. how would he feel? he'd feel as he should— insulted for their sake, he would speak up, make sure a person knows where they stand when it comes to an ultimate. it's all he's ever had since growing up, that lone star in the night sky he's reached up to; an unhealth obsession, but it's those feelings he would have protected her with. )

Aren't you lucky, Nanami-san... because those honest words weren't said to you. It's a great thing, don't you think? As long as he isn't lying anymore... it's easier to accept. Being lied to for the sake of being happy, I'm tired.

( with a cant of his head, he finds that he can't be mad at honest words, because if add had felt that way the entire time then their relationship was based on lies. no, it probably resided in the darkness of add's heart, and he was afraid to say it aloud, and that would make so much sense. the heavy rock that weighs down a person's heart, making them unable to cough it up, and speak what's truly grazing the inside of their body. there's always this feeling that hides behind the skin, that screams, wails and thrashes to get out— it doesn't care how much bloodshed there happens to be, by it's owner or others.

it was meant to be komaeda, but sara... she's such an idiot, and komaeda groans as he leans back in his chair. it's an unappealing sight he thinks, so he sits up as the soles of his shoes brushes against the wooden floor beneath him. )

...There's nothing wrong with any of you.

( it's like how ranger said, when people can open their eyes to the truth, when they finally see what they don't want to. everything falls into place. his fingers brush against the table, his nails scratching, breaking at least one nail and not the others. the keratin bends, it feels uncomfortable, but he toughs it out with a shake of his head. )

It should be obvious... where the problem lies.

( he's sure people are thinking it, every meeting that something goes wrong because of him. and now the lives that were on the line, and then having to look shin in the face too for harming his friend. it's almost like komaeda doesn't have a chance at anything like that: friendship, because he blocks the road with thousand and thousands of rocks, and he can't push the rubble to the side. with his elbow against the table, the male stares at his wrist for a moment, it's a sensitive area... weak, frail. )

The next meeting... no matter who passes, just... count me out. If there's truly hope without me then... then...

( fine. he gets it, he gets it, he gets it... but he could never say it aloud, so instead he bites his tongue. he follows nanami's gaze up to the ceiling, wondering if the answers he should give her are up there, before dropping his head to look towards her with a chuckle. )

I won't let Amami-kun's sacrifice or their actions ( he looks to ranger, a small smile on his face ) be in vain, I won't make the same mistake twice.

( after acknowledging them both. )

...I'm sorry.

[ He is the one more troubled by default, but it would be impossible to describe him as such. It's difficult to tell when a person is locking down without practice and care, and Ranger proves to be harder than most. He keeps the perfect blank expression, the perfect amount of distance, and the perfect amount of caution needed to replicate normalcy. It seems that no matter what he does, whether it might be gaming or holding a bloodied knife, precious little draws a reaction from him. It has to be that way - he has to be that way.

He logically understands that her presence is a good thing. It's better for someone other than Ranger to be here. He's lacks the proper empathy and weight, he lacks the values that allow one to be called a good person. it's enough for him to repress the initial reaction, and instead he allows the two of them to speak. His head dips in acknowledgment when Komaeda says that he wanted him. It's enough, and so he doesn't mind if several others didn't. ]

... I'm glad somebody did.

[ It could be sarcastic, but it's not. He means it. Komaeda isn't the problem. It's others. It's the way they stop thinking, it's the way they're walking corpses, it's everything. But it's not until Komaeda looks to him that his throat tightens, and he parts his mouth behind the ice cream cone card before shutting it. "Their actions," he says... But what his thoughts loop back around to is, ]

... "We all."

[ He repeats those words two words flatly, without a trace of emotion. It changes quickly. He lets his fingertips brush along the surface of the table, flatting h hand against it before slapping it down on the back of a hair. ]

Yeah. You all do. Is it fun running around and playing games? Closing your eyes and ears so you don't see what's happening, playing games so you can make excuses and blame everyone else? Do you sleep betting saying that you tried despite not doing anything but standing there and watching your plans twisted, your intentions corrupt, and suffering loss after loss? ... Or how about wanting to throw a punch at someone without getting one back? Watching people rip into each other while doing nothing?

[ His voice is measured, even, and caustic enough to eat through metal. His grip on the chair tightens, and toward the end there's a crunching sound as it starts to splinter within it. His eyes flick to it, then his hand drops down to his side, fingers curling and uncurling. ]

It's an easy fix. Stop standing around and doing nothing but watch and hope somebody else fixes your damn problems.

[ He waves hand in front of his face now, just a quick twist of the wrist as he closes his eyes and tilts his head to the side. His help and input are both equally unwanted though, and he supposes that's fair when not a soul had asked for it. ]

Ahh, don't worry... I heard all about how I did nothing, and how cruel I am. Better try harder next time, 'cause the way the group is now, it's not gonna stop the next one either.

[ Prevention is the best cure, and offense is always better than playing defense. But no matter what, this group only plays defense. It's not just with the murders - it's everything and anything. The phone call. Rokuro. The disappearances and deaths and the entire fucked up system.

If they succeed, the he can imagine that it'll validate Komaeda, and he's not quite ready to entertain the consequences of that. But if they fail, if they drag it out and deflect and distract and destroy each other as they did here once more, then Ranger will... ]

I'll look forward to seeing it.

[ Their words wound, again and again, especially Ranger's. She thinks of how often in meetings she sat back and listened, how often she fled to the Game Club after to get her mind off things, how even though she'd tried she hadn't been able to stop people getting killed--

Though, her understanding of the situation is still... complicated, and new wrinkles got added even today in the meeting. She frowned. ]

If we had known everything, though... how much would we have changed?

[ She twiddles her fingers, thinking about... the clues... how long it took for them to figure out the notes were forged, and how even then they hadn't been able to ascertain who had done it, at least not until after the final deed was done - but what if Amami had been found out, and his plan had failed? What would have happened to them? ]

No, we need to be treating each other better, even if bad things happen. And I...

[ She swallows. ] You're right. There's times when I could have made things better. The only thing I can do is try harder next time, right? Even if something horrible happens... we have to take care of each other. We're all stuck in the afterlife together, anyway.

[ She looks to one, and then the other. Then she stands, because... she probably shouldn't linger here. Let them have the comfort of each other, because there's only so much she can do. ]

I'm sorry that I can't offer more. But I'll do everything I can to make things right. I'll talk with Add and Sara too... because I know we all care about each other. And we can help each other through this strange experience together, too.

[ She looks back to Komaeda and her gaze softens. ] The greatest hope, I think, is when it's every single one of us. If it's not yours... that's okay, but it's mine. I'll never leave you behind again.

[ Hesitates. ] But... I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to come to the next meeting... they're too much to handle sometimes.

Everything was already there before you all.

( his eyes fall onto ranger, mostly curious of what he'd say next. it's always a ticking time bomb when it comes to the way people speak to ultimates, and komaeda's sensitive to it. he can't protect himself, but he can help them. it's nothing but ranger's feelings and thoughts on the matter, compiled, but it doesn't matter who it went to because had someone else came in nanami's place then they'd hear the same thing. )

It was those who chose to ignore it, and others who are blind despite always looking. If only people could use them rather than eating with their eyes... greed is such a terrible thing. Sometimes they can't accept what they see, and that's why they'll never learn the truth when it's right there..

( komaeda saw it, others saw it... keigo only had so much time left, and maybe it's because subaru only told select people, but it was those that idiot could count on. if he had spread it further, could something else have happened? sadly, there's no people here aside from a scarce few who would go this far— everyone has taken a part, whether they know it or not. the fact that the female became that child's friend is also part of this. )

Nanami-san... if you talk to them, you check on them.

( no asking them about their feelings on other people, wondering what their thoughts are on the meeting in general. just be there for them, because even komaeda couldn't follow up on sara and shin's request.

he leans back in his chair, blinking slow at her concept of hope. when it's every single one of them? it's not too far away from that goal he had in mind, especially when it was all done to bring everyone together, to make sure there was a brighter future. it makes him uncomfortable to hear the end, but with a sigh. )

This is about hope, and you... you... ( because he called her hope when he was younger, because his feelings haven't changed since then despite being closed off. when it comes to that certain concept, who, if not her, would be able to do what she can? that's why he can trust her with wanting to talk to add and sara, but he is also trusting her not to bring them up considering those are conversations they'll have to deal with in the future. ) ...understand that it's not stagnant, it's a force that's always driving the people around us. But I wonder... can you see the hope from this, too...

[ Ranger leans back on the table, splaying out his fingers on the hard surface. He doesn't see any need to acknowledge the platitudes thrown back and forth, but nor is there any reason for him to correct it. He responds to how people treat him, and if if one threatens him he'll systematically search for the weakest point to tear at, back them into a corner before affixing them to the wall with a blade. But there's no reason for him to corner and crush a person who isn't challenging him, and so both are spared that.

What would they have done if they'd known? It's too late to answer that question. It's too late to do anything but evaluate what had gone wrong, and what can be done in the future. He won't disparage that by hammering it in over and over, and so he offers little more than a nod of acknowledgment and a few scant words ]

... it's done. All that's left is the review session. [ The review session, the aftermath, the future. He sighs. ] You should leave Sara be until she's recovered. No one likes to be seen at their lowest, and I doubt her doctor's gonna be happy if you try to get her worked up. That one's pretty strict.

[ It's not a lack of kindness, but protection. It's part off taking pride in ones work, it's part of being the best, any small bit of harm and misstep done by a doctor's charge reflects on him. It'll be his negligence, not theirs. He sighs, cocking his head to one side. He'll have to hunt Hiyori down later to get a proper update, to ask for his impressions on everything that had occurred.

He has no faith in the person before him to truly do better, no more than he does anyone else, and these lessons will be quickly forgotten. Those of ASUNARO cannot allow themselves to fall into that same pattern.

Complacency is over.

He scrapes the sole of his boot across the floor, then his heel as he swings his leg forward and lets his heel hit the ground. He bounces it up as he leans back, reviewing and simulating and deciding. ]

You can hang around if you want.

[ For however long she wants. It's probably his own way of trying to be considerate, as not everyone is quite as inclined to stay whether or not their presence is wanted as Ranger is. His own worries are still there, and he glances to Komaeda, but he's aware enough of his own deficiencies - his own value - to offer this much. ]

[ She startles just a bit at Komaeda's suggestion, but then nods resolutely. He's right. Her inclination had been to mend things on his behalf, try to fix the relationship between Add and Komaeda - but that can come later. It might not even be her role. What's important now is what she'd only just said - to take care of everybody.

Ranger's helpful, too. He's known Sara longer than her. She trusts his judgement too. To both of them she nods. The message is received. Her mission made clearer. ]

I think there's always hope to be found, [ She murmurs in answer to Komaeda's question. ] Even in the darkest moments... maybe I'm strange for thinking that, because of how I've been wrong, but... I guess it's just hard for me not to see it.

[ With that thought out there, she adjusts her bag. ] Thank you, Ranger-san... but I'm going to check on the others too.

[ It's not a complete lie - she wants to start figuring out what to say to the others, at least. But she does want to give the two boys their space. ]

But, um... [ Oh gosh, she's not good at goodbyes. She just... gives an awkward little bow, tells them both to take care, and then heads out of the library - pulling out her Game Girl Advance to play on as she walks. ]

( hope is found even in the darknest moments, he agrees with that... despair brews an even stronger hope, so that's why the former is meaningless. there's no weight that it holds on anyone, and even through all of that— to hear her say it seems like a step forward to him. it'll take time, she'll never understand how much they've went through, unlike her who was given a death to motivate his class to a more... hopeful era. there's part of him that believes she could do something for others, even if it's not right now, that her time will come soon... she always managed to impress him.

can she do it for others? will this conversation steer her hope down a path that illuminates the world for those lost? )

If you talk to Add-kun... he's not really scary! He just acts that way. If you talk about androids, machines... he'll spark back up!

( just like komaeda who says negative things and acts different from the rest so people can hate him. that sort of behavior is common from the scientist, and while komaeda should be worried about nanami even bothering him... he thinks that it'll be fine, because if add remains alone too long then...

the voices in his head become louder than his desires.

when nanami leaves, he looks to ranger next. )

She was like that in school, too. You know how you check up on people randomly... you might be on her list now.

( it's something nice to say so that he doesn't have to feel emotionally attached to what's happened so far, but maybe this is him changing the characters, finding himself indulging in a different perspective of these tales. that's not bad to do, is it? )

A lot of people are.

[ Rio lets out a soft sigh. It's not a criticism, but a statement of fact. There are plenty of nosy people in the world, and plenty who are well meaning enough to constantly interject themselves into the lives of other who don't want them there, but more often than not it's simply a matter of that humans check in with and try to help one another. There's nothing special or meaningful about it except in those moments when a person's life is fractured. Sara is that kind of person. It makes it easy for others to push their burdens onto her instead of solving their own problems.

That's why their candles burn half as long, a fraction of the length it might otherwise have, because others won't stop sticking their wicks into it and scooping out the wax. Or perhaps it would be better to compare them to the rainbow fish, all of their beautiful scales torn off until there's nothing left but the blood and flesh and bone that they had held inside. But Ranger has no need burn up the wax of others nor to steal their scales when he has both.

He shakes his head to dismiss those thoughts, and having held his hand up in a goodbye and seen the kid off, he can turn his attention back to Komaeda more fully now. He finds that the person before him fits that description just as well, a fish with scales of all colors that keeps peeling them off and giving them away without seeing the wounds opening up with each one taken. ]

... Do you wanna keep talking?

[ It's an honest question. He won't push the issue if not. ]

I think it's amazing that Ultimates can hold onto such traits... but...

( she died because of that school, she never got the life that they had. she had a happier end, not falling into despair, and the way she held onto hope all the way to the end. as the spears impaled her body, the drip of blood that splattered the floor is a smell komaeda can imagine..

she managed to die as an extravagant person, and then there's others... )

But a lot of people won't check up on you specifically.

( even if they know you exist, it's the same as rokkun, people knew all about him, and how he shoved people away with a shrug of his shoulders. only certain people check in on him, subaru included. what rio is getting at is easy to understand, how most well-adjusted people will know to check up on others, remain in their lives to ensure that they're happy and safe. she's dedicated to that cause of doing so, much-like ranger, but it's not a passive like his where it just happens to be so.

it's an agenda in nanami's mind. )

I can feel at ease that she did something...

( ultimates can't stand there like an angel to be awed and respected, it's because they have talents that he does anything for them at all. without them, he probably wouldn't even do this far, it's thanks to them he even has the relatio ship that he has with rio—

if he didn't love them as much, he wonders what type of life he lead.

...

that one world doesn't count. )

...You felt pushed away in the meeting? I might not have anything good to say, but would you want to reflect and review?

( he did say review session, something along those lines... even if komaeda feels off, he wants rio to have the chance to talk too. )

[ Try, try, try... Those shallow check ups that humans perform are enough, but there's no need to assign special value. What does it matter if they check up on him? What will they do? Peel back all the layers? Feign understanding, prattle on on about how they'll try without doing anything? Maybe they'll pretend at caring for him without once understanding, or try to fix what they see as bugs but are actually features. He's past the point of empty platitudes and condescending words .

There's no need to admire such mundane behaviors, no more than there is to admire scribbles on a dry erase board. It's something anyone can do, but it means nothing, and it'll be wiped off at the end of the day. There's no permanence. But he nods in acknowledgment, offers a quiet "good" upon hearing that he finds himself a little more at ease now, and finds that it was a favorable outcome for someone else to check up on him.

He adjusts his point of focus, letting out a soft sigh before slipping into the chair across from Komaeda. It's a review session for him too. ]

... Sure.

[ He folds his arms on the table. What did he do right? What went wrong, and what should he do better next time? ]

Sara reported the results. The conclusion is that Amami is responsible for five deaths in total, including his own. They have a sound argument, so I have no objections. She said that he was a bad person, and I let it get to me, so of course I had to go and pick a fight over it... Hiyori dragged me away from that one.

[ Those words are bitter. Was that his first mistake, or was it the one thing that he had done right? It's hard to say. ]

Noah and Shin too. The latter, well - he ran off with his tail between his legs like always, but I'm sure that hole's dug a little deeper. There was Alice and Hiyori too... Ah, I didn't get a chance with Subaru before I got dragged off. Shame about that.

[ That about pauses it for a brief overview - Rio had done what he could to piss off as many people as possible. He pauses there for a moment. ]

Should we take it from the top?

Edited 2022-03-22 21:21 (UTC)

Taking it from the top would be preferable.

( his fingers curl, nails digging into the palm of his one hand, and nothing he can note in the other as he remains in place as the other's gaze is fixed on him. the matters that have happened do weigh on komaeda, but he's able to push himself into gear— slot the puzzle in correctly even though he doesn't fit. he knows that helena said she'd cherish a puzzle piece like that, but if komaeda cheats a bit, and swallows it down... it's like tetris, and he can move the shape before it hits the ground, and if it's somewhere else... it takes a few pushes, with his own hands as if he was trying to avoid being crushed by the doom hanging over his own head. )

Chidouin-san would say that, and that's because she sees herself as a bad person because of her own choices, but they made an importance choice that changes everything. Until they can see an outcome immediately, they'll blame themselves or another.

( shin... hiyori... quite the guy to borrow a name from, but komaeda closes his eyes in thought as he focuses on this first. what does that mean for him to have been dragged away? does he regret not standing his ground to remain there, or... ah, there's no need to sugarcoat it, because he can hear the bitterness in his voice, and it stings. no different from salt sliding into the wounds because it's no good for the other to get so worked up, especially when nothing can be changed, but komaeda too is an unmovable rock when his beliefs are challenged. )

Taking lives are a bad thing to some people, and to others... there's good found in it. It's whether they choose to see it that way...

( even death can teach lessons, giving certain individuals a chance to understand that they should have worked even harder. this "loss" as they see it is one, and now their eyes will remain parted so that their chances of messing up again are lowered. what could have been done if they had noticed the way keigo acted, do they think they could have came to certain ideas that would have curated a different option? it's true, there could have been, but no one did. )

Some people need a second eye that isn't their own... just like you tell me.

Right. If you only look at the world through your own eyes, then you're only seeing a piece of it.

[ It's not different than how arguments are made by carefully considering and picking apart other arguments, or checking multiple news sources before formulating an opinion. Ranger can see that vantage point too. He can see the grief, and the frustration, but he chooses to reject that way of thinking as flawed. This is at most a little pain for the greater good. ]

Sometimes it's necessary to take a life, but you're right. She regretted her choice, so now it's black and white.

[ Bad people kill, good people don't, but the world has never been that simple. Komaeda mentions her first, and Rio believes it to be the best place to start. It's at the top, and it's the conversation that had been the most frustrating. He looks down at the table, recounting the conversation before he looks back up. That entire meeting is one he wouldn't mind forgetting. ]

I told her that he had least did something, and she asked if I feel better blaming others when they're upset. So I dug in, since I didn't see any of them do anything to prevent what had happened, and Rantarou just did what he needed to... But like you said, those reasons don't matter to her, since she felt like 'cause they gave up on looking at him they were lied to.

[ He shifts his position, averting his gaze for just a few seconds once more. ]

I was getting too agitated, so Hiyori stepped in, since otherwise I was gonna start talking about her role int he Death Game... That seems only fair, right? Everything that she did? Telling her that she has no right to criticize... [ His fingers curl. ] She didn't get him at all, she doesn't get me at all, but she asked why I can't understand her... Ahaha... But she believed in him, and that means means trying to see the best and trusting him... See, it's fine if she didn't understand, because those beliefs were betrayed.

[ Why bother understanding others when one can just paint an image in their head. His body trembles a little, and inhales a deep breath and exhales slowly to stave off his irritation. Those words had stung more than they should have. ]

... I think that's about it. Hiyori decided it was done after that, and he kept things from getting any more personal than they needed to. He has more sense than I do.

[ Why had he gotten so wound up, and why had it turned personal? What things might he have said if he wasn't stopped, and how much more harm might he have done? Those are questions that won't be answered now, and Rio can only answer half of them. He's not even sure why he had gotten so agitated. But his partner is sharp, so he'll be able to fill in the gaps. ]

Chidouin-san misunderstood.

( ranger has no reason to blame anyone, what's done is done, and besides the outcome is just as nice— if there was anything done outside of any of them, then what would have happened? what hope would have prospered by the actions of sara, bonnie, and the others within this school? none of them would have turned to the idea of death, or perhaps they would have but been too afraid to speak of it?

if they blame, everything done so far begins to look tragic and filled with misery, so that could be the reason why she chose that word. to make this event unhopeful, to smear sadness all over it because she's saddened by the loss of two individuals. three? four? however many it took to see this to where it is now.

blaming is an ugly word now that komaeda thinks about it, and his arms cross on the table. )

Had any of them done something else, then we would have been offered a different outcome. In the end, it's a lighter version of what I would have done.

( between ranger and sara, he can see where they bumped heads, and it comes down to their morality, and how one can do more than the others. sara made herself appear weak, and like blood in the water, ranger took a chance to bite when no one else would. it does seem irritating from his perspective, though, and komaeda can )

You've worked hard Rio Ranger, so don't take so much offense to this. It'll take time to understand what they've gained... you care a lot about her, and that's why you want to smash that logic into her until she understands, but... choosing to use her experiences... it wouldn't have done anything because Chidouin-san would have painted it differently.

( is that to say that ranger's efforts wouldn't have done anything? no, everything he's done so far will take affect, so will what sara does as well moving forward... her arm will play as a reminder, that pain will settle into the depths of her person for as long as she lives. it's like quicksand, it'll fall deeper, and deeper, and deeper into the pit that she creates in her happy little world, the appearance will heal... no one will notice the damage, but she'll always be aware.

there's a visible grimace as his own hands curl into a fist, and he pushes against the table to press his back against the chair he sits in. )

[ Ranger knows him to be correct here. Whether it's Komaeda's philosophical view or Ranger's focus on the outcome rather than the methods, or Amami's decision to try and save someone important to him, others won't understand until they want to. They might not understand until they're in the same position, holding a knife or a gun or perhaps slipping poison and drugs into another person's system.

He's right though. She would have filtered it through her own lens, and he would have been seen as even crueler than the impression left. But there's no sense in joining in on the blame game, and there's no point in feeling guilty over what hadn't occurred. It had been a misunderstanding, nothing more and nothing less.

He nods before looking down to the table. It takes him some time to decide that he should speak the remaining words going through his mind, but in the end it seems wrong to withhold them for the sake of avoiding some minor misstep. Ranger has always been upfront and honest in his assessments, and now should be no different. ]

... You can't rush things. But you know, kids injure themselves all the time, and it's not that big of a deal.

[ Painful? Sure. Scary? Absolutely. The end of the world? No, a broken arm is far from that. It's no more the end than a car accident, or a hard fall. ]

But that kid has a lot of injuries that she's left bleeding out all this time 'cause she's too busy pressing on and looking at what everyone else has going on. Can't find somebody to depend on when they're all depending on you, right? Not the way I would've chosen, but it'll do her some good to get taken care of for awhile... Hm, I guess that means I'm gonna have to suck it up and check on her too.

[ It's not a platitude, nor is it meant to bring comfort, no more than it ever is. People would worry about her, and they would check in on her, and all off those normal experiences someone her age might have after an accident - normal, mundane behaviors barely worth noting. It's something that wasn't her fault at all, something she can stand by, and so in the end he finds that there's no need for him to worry

But he has the sense that it's best not to linger on it overlong. He lets out a sigh. This spin does nothing for his frustration, but it's not as though beating the dead horse will make it run. ]

... Well, I guess I shouldn't take any of it to heart. Let's see... Shin would be next in line.

Tsukimi-kun can't carry her, ( he's weak, both mentally and physically. ) so maybe you can accompany her there.

( an easy in, but an easier out that doesn't call for much overthinking when she's right there, and those who say actions speak louder than words. ranger isn't the type to waffle much, and what he does has a meaning behind it, so him even being at a certain place would ring a few bells— hopefully no alarms. the foundation of a relationship they've built for themselves is shaky, but neither of them want to die, so even if it crumbles due to all the years of cracks, and the vines that serve to withhold all the years of memories.

that foundation had become ranger's advantage due to his chance to bring it up, hiyori however, must have seen differently. )

Even if you two had a disagreement, something like that isn't strong enough to be wedged between you two.

( a bigger storm is soon to come depending, knowing the group, they'll make it more than it has to be— that's what it's like to be cast out to sea alone in it's murky darkness, rocking one's self into oblivion's maw without even knowing. ranger can become used to the darkness, but when the flash of lightening hits, that's where he's back to his original life to be something for it to strike. they'll take out their anger because he's the easiest target, whereas someone like komaeda appreciates pain, had become a masochist, and his body feels numb— his feelings are beginning to match if he so will it. )

Chidouin-san is sensitive, but to check up on her will ease her worries, and then she'll start to think. Best case scenario.

( as for shin, komaeda glances off to the side in thought. ) Continue.

I'll check on her once she's stable.

[ It's too late for him to do so now. Ranger made his choice, and he has no intention of apologizing for it. If not Shin, then one of the others will have assisted her by now. She'll be in Midori's care, and he'll ensure that she remains undisturbed until she's capable of the time is right. Even so, there's no reason for him not to, and so he makes a note to do so once both she and Komaeda re more stable.

Bit it is strong enough to drive a wedge. It already has, but that's fine. He doesn't care if he's hated by them. It's not as though any of them had really cared for him. It was always just a temporary truce until they found some disagreement, no different than the way they are with each other. Then again, maybe he'll be proven wrong. He hadn't expected her to extend a hand when he arrived either.

For now he continues, ]

... Well, you know how that one is. He had to cut in the conversation to call it surprising advice from someone who "did barely anything themselves." He was trying to get at that I wasn't paying enough attention myself, and that I didn't care, since I said they shouldn't have needed my help to start, and that they had plenty of opportunities... As for me, I have no problems with what he did.

[ There's a little sigh. ]

I shouldn't have given as much help as I did.

[ He had been worried about doing so. He had been hesitant, but it's always bothered him when problems remain unsolved and people are left floundering about. But if he had listened to that feeling, if he would have followed the logic to it's natural conclusion, then...

...

... ]

You hate to see things not come to a logical conclusion, because then it'd be lost to time.

( it may not be logical, but this is what komaeda would call a natural conclusion without force, and without too much of a push or handholding— this is by their own thoughts and actions. there's nothing to solve for him or for ranger if they find this to be necessary on amami and keigo's end, it's an outcome fitting due to all the variables of who each person involved was to another person, how the deaths were exacted, and so much more. all the angles that everyone would have to look at and think... how could this happen? why did this happen in the first place, yes, it's because an ultimate gave too much to someone so boring, so helpless who lacked talent themselves. that was the starting point, and the mistake made, but it's through time that views change and how much a person is willing to go through begins to show itself.

to look through that many lenses to find out where is a shame, because it shows that no one has acknowledged what others have done. their bonds are lacking, and there's hole within companionships, relationships and even in those so called truces. his eyes close as he gives thought to ranger's words, and as komaeda's mouth parts, it's quick enough to close because no one understands anything when they're too busy trying to find out who did it, and not pick at why someone would do it. too many "whos" and not enough "hows" or "whys", is what he thinks. )

You know how it goes: you gain as much as you give... I think you've given enough, so now it's their turn.

( truthfully, ranger has given so much help that maybe komaeda should have taken over at that point to do it all himself. ranger wouldn't let him, so there's no need to think back on the past of what could have happened or not. )

I understand you don't want to see them fail, but it takes a few failures to understand what they need to do right... such as the conversations that didn't go the way they thought them to.

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