[semi-open] second truth bullet: hinata's memory

[futurebullets]

Who: Hajime Hinata and YOU
What: A catch-all log for Hinata throughout the month! Closed things will added by request, open things for stuff outside of event top-levels
Where: Various
When: Mostly June, at least one or two things backdated to late May
Warnings: SPOILERS for chapter 4 of Super Dangan Ronpa 2, after the Final Dead Room Discussion



Notes: Hinata will be undergoing a canon update that will have taken place on the 4th! He will be approaching things considerably more depressed and/or apathetic after this takes place, so you're welcome to tag him between the 1st and 3rd if you'd rather have normal Hinata! However, the threads that take place after the canon update are very important. It's something I've detailed more on plurk, but essentially there's something of a "game" that I have going. Hinata now has a "trust" level that's been reset to 0 - if his points are positive enough, he will be updated to either chapter 5 or the end of the game, and if his points fall too far, he will be "reverted" to one of two earlier canon points (chapter 1 or pre-game) and lose all of his Yogen memories. Close CR has more weight at first, but anyone has the power to affect him, so feel free to take a shot at raising or lowering those points!

If you have any questions or would like to plot things, feel free to reach me at Yamadori! (You're also welcome to write starters for me as well, just give me a heads up first!)

Comments

crying I can feel it winning too... I keep dozing off I think I have to throw in the towel

[futurebullets]

[Hinata almost drops the PDA, eyes wide, as he reads the words written there.

What a question.

He can feel frustration bubbling to the surface - Hinata's drawn to him, this person that can't stop saying terrible things, and how is he supposed to endure that when everything else is so awful-

But.

Hinata forcibly pulls himself away from that train of thought. He can still hear Nanami's words from the slumber party, like she's gently putting a hand on his arm to hold him back, even now.

"His words always say what he means deep down, and I rarely hear him lie about himself... But that's why he needs a friend like you, someone to really remind him about the world around him and not the world he wants to see."

He breathes in. It'd be shaky if they could hear.]

No. I don't want to die anymore. That still hasn't changed.

And I don't want to kill. That's why I said they're nightmares, I hate them more than anything... When I wake up from those dreams, I feel sick to my stomach. It makes me not want to sleep anymore, because I'm always afraid I'll see them again.

how we're both awake now and for what

[commences]

( holding the pda in his hand to read over the response, he does the action a few more times before he proceeds to type in his own reply. it's a little slow at first as he thinks on it, and he wonders if there's something he should do. komaeda at times can be kind, but there are others when he's capable of being cruel. he takes his time into this reply, thinking on hinata's fears and concerns, and what they mean to him — he hums, though it isn't audible, but he pretends he can feel the subtle vibration around his lips.

what should he say? is this the other's way of confiding in him? it makes komaeda wonder if the other is searching for someone to stop him, as if he's going to do something he regrets. )

i'll do it.

( he shows the screen to hinata, making sure he reads the first part of the text before he types the rest of his thoughts. at this part of komaeda's life, he has mixed feelings, some he doesn't understand, and others he wonders why does he have them. luckily, his morality is low, and he doesn't mind doing horrible things as long as it's for the sake of hope. hinata may not know, but even though komaeda attempts to put him at arm's length — there's always something that guides him back. )

i'll kill for you, and that way you can fall asleep.
would that get rid of the nightmares... and allow you to sleep peacefully...?

( it's because no matter what is between them, komaeda still cares about him — even now, he still doesn't understand why he's this way. )

for me to become sleepy again... zzzz

[futurebullets]

[Hinata feels his stomach drop out as he reads that message. Everything he's worried about and dreaded, everything he's tried to avoid - condensed in that one message. The apprehension that floods him is intense enough that he almost doesn't want to read whatever Komaeda will type next.

But he does, because not looking at it won't make it cease to exist. He expects to feel - anger, because that's what he always feels when Komaeda talks about killing. Anger, or perhaps frustration, maybe with a dash of helplessness.

However, those aren't the things he feels. It's something that he can't quite put a name to, but... He almost feels a little sad, as he opens his hand for the PDA.]

Please don't.

[He's never tried asking, before. Not really.]

I'm sure that if you did that... I'd never be able to sleep again. I'd have dreams of you being killed, or being killed by you instead.

I think... that if you really wanted to help me. Knowing you're not hurting anyone, and knowing nobody's hurting you... Having that reassurance is the best thing you could ever do for me.

get some sleep fat tits

[commences]

( as he takes back his pda, he slowly begins to read the contents of it, and there's points that he disagrees with. he doesn't believe anything he does effects hinata anymore, that komaeda could do anything, and the other could leave peacefully. have a semblance of it, at least. it would be better if hinata's sanity didn't ride on those sort of things, and so komaeda taps slowly to respond back. there's a few moments where he backspaces his words because he's trying to figure out how he should convey his message. )

you'll grow out of it.

( he doesn't expand on that, and instead changes the subject. )

what will you do hinata-kun?
you can't remain awake forever.

( as he offers the device back, he raises his prosthetic to rest his palm on hinata's cheek, but it's more like he's examining something. his thumb swipes gently under the youth's eyes, checking to see if he has any heavy, dark bags underneath from the lack of sleep. what makes it worse is that komaeda's leaned in despite having the light from the pda he could use. )

CRYING IT KEEPS COMING BACK

[futurebullets]

[Hinata is almost glad there's no sound, because Komaeda surely would've heard the way his breath sharply caught in his throat. As it is, there's bound to be some softness or vulnerability shining in his eyes from a gesture like that, not enough time to mask it. That's terrifying in its own way.

He swallows, looks away even though his face is surely red- then down, to the PDA. He needs a distraction. It's probably not going to say something along the lines of, "I'm going to hold your cheek and look into your eyes in the moonlight, making you feel all sorts of things you'd rather not," but Hinata doesn't expect it to say much better.

Hinata reads it... and immediately makes a face.]

Grow out of What, what the hell does that mean.

[He's not leaving that alone. It doesn't even get a proper question mark, because. Komaeda?????]

I... don't really have any other choice but to try and sleep, though, do I? They say you go insane if you try to live without sleep, right?

STPPPP YOURE THE REASON WHYYY

[commences]

( that's the first and last thing komaeda will say on the subject because he's older now... everyone's older now, and because of the situation they're in... they have no choice but to try and live on. sure, there are a few deaths on their hands they'd rather not have, but it's normal to each an every one of them — even to hinata, though, his merge with kamukura is thanks to that. it's a thought that makes him smile, though probably missed by hinata as he turns away.

it's his concern about sleeping, and komaeda stares at the pda as if he's thinking about something. was there lack of sleep that caused komaeda to be the way he is? he questions that with the expression he wears, full of wonder as his one arm drops back down by his side since he can no longer touch hinata. it would be a problem if he didn't sleep, if he allowed his terrors to scare him from closing his eyes, if he continued to think of things that put him at unease. he's sensitive to his surroundings where as komaeda isn't, he's far too gone, and can go with the flow to let things like killing or being killed effect him. he sighs, luckily it isn't audible, but he hands back his pda to hinata with nothing typed on it, and instead proceeds to walk towards the door of the classroom.

he stands there for a moment, almost like he's contemplating what to do next. a hand comes to his chin as he rubs thoughtfully, and with another step is he out in the hall. his eyes looking both left and right, checking something specific )

BRB RUNNING TO BURY MYSELF IN THE SAND

[futurebullets]

[Hinata is stuck there for a moment, disbelieving as he blinks after Komaeda walks away, eyes chasing after the afterimage. It's just like him, isn't it? Leaving after he says that leave Hinata feeling unsettled.

And yet... those words he read play back in his mind.

"i'll kill for you, and that way you can fall asleep."

I... can't leave him alone. Not right now.

He doesn't waste another second, darting out of the room as quick as his feet can carry him. Hinata's breathing hard as he makes it out into the hall, the sound of it lost to the silence of the night as his eyes adjust to the darkness again, searching for Komaeda. Hopefully he hasn't gone too far yet.]

STOOPPPPPPPPPPPP WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM MEEEEEEEEEEEE GET OUTTA THERE

[commences]

( he's having nightmares that are plaguing him, there's nothing komaeda can do to ease him from that — hinata can wake up on his own, he's capable of doing that alone. unlike the ultimate who suffered from his own endless nightmare, a world where hope didn't exist and talent didn't matter because he was ordinary. to give that up for a world where others are happy, that feels like death to komaeda himself, and maybe in a way it relates to the pain hinata feels being killed over, and over again. komaeda recalls the pain of the bullet piercing his skull, and even that feeling felt good to be free, and he wonders if hinata needs the same treatment — something painful to get it off his mind.

it's a thought that won't leave, knowing hinata is depending on him for help, and komaeda comes to a complete stop once he rounds the corner. even if hinata is younger, even if his eyes are the same color, he's still the person who pulled komaeda out of his own endless nightmare — as terrifying as it was, as out of character as it was, it was him who assisted. komaeda believed in him the entire time to be the one who saved him, and it makes him wonder if hinata's believing in him too. he doesn't know if he wants to be believed in by him because what are the chances that he fails him in that regard too, what if he's unable to do anything for him?

why does komaeda still even care about this? he touches his head softly, slightly bothered, because there's nothing he can do for hinata here. all he can do is come this far to see if anyone's around, making sure that there's no one who can do any harm to him when he's already doing that to himself. if anyone views his weakness, they can use it against him, or maybe komaeda's that selfish of a person who wants to see that for himself. seeing that it's only them on this side of the hall, he turns on his heel to go back the direction he came, but it's instant when he bumps into someone who seems to be in a rush — that someone being... hinata himself.

it's instinct at this rate once komaeda notices who it is, and he reaches out with his prosthetic hand first to quickly wrap around his waist to catch him. isn't it a blessing that komaeda's a little taller in his twenties? without thinking, he's pulling the other close to him — chest to chest — so that hinata can regain his balance. once he does, komaeda's eyes blink in confusion wondering why hinata's not in the classroom he left him in.

is there... a problem? )

oh... but I am getting out of here? the sand... it's calling me

[futurebullets]

[There's something abnormal about running so hard, feeling his heart pounding in his chest, and yet not being able to hear that or the sound of his own breath sawing through his lungs.

He can't stop, though, because- he has to get there in time, in case something happens to Komaeda- no, in case he does something- to make sure he's okay-

Hinata rounds the corner, and the heart that had been racing nearly leaps out of his chest when he crashes into somebody chest to chest and feels panic rushing through his head-

But... it's not anybody else except for who he's looking for. When that thought registers, Hinata is surprised by the amount of relief that floods through him. Even as he feels Komaeda's hand at his waist and his lips form the na to ask "What are you doing?" before he forgets that he can't be heard... the relief is still stronger than anything else.

He knows his face is still probably a little red, but... Hinata reaches out to grab Komaeda's sleeve, giving a cautious tug towards himself, towards the classroom. Come back?]

WHY IS THE SAND CLLING U ill get the vase.

[commences]

( come back to where? come back to who? you're gone. is something that komaeda knows as he can feel hinata tugging on his sleeve, and in return he finds himself staring. he isn't doing as told, oh no, instead, he's gauging whether that's a good idea or not — he did want to sleep peacefully, didn't he? wouldn't komaeda cause a problem to that well-needed rest that he should have?

his hand still resides on hinata's waist, fingers digging into the fabric of his clothes to check if he's really there. he is, and he's warm as well, considering komaeda who is always too cool, so he likes the warmth he's generating from how close they are. it takes him a moment to take a step bac so that they finally have breathing room between them. if he had his pda on him (unsure if hinata left it on the desk in the classroom or has it on him), he'd tell the other that he should at least try to sleep, but he doubts he will with knowing komaeda is out and about actively.

he's waiting for hinata to make the first move towards their destination before moving himself, but his eyes fall down to where his prosthetic is — not realizing that his hand was still in that position, and he quickly moves his hand away. that was an accident on his part, but seeing that hinata doesn't look like he's going to fall... then it should be okay to take his arm back. )

the vase... perfect for putting me in with the sand, thank you

[futurebullets]

[He knows he's especially flushed now, redder from the way that hand held him, but- it's worth it, it's all worth it for the way that Komaeda pulls back. There's something about it that's so human, so boyish, it- it makes Hinata smile. He hasn't worn an expression this fond around Komaeda in a long time.

He shouldn't, maybe. He should school his expression into something more neutral if nothing else, probably. But he doesn't for some reason.

Hinata pulls the PDA out of his pocket, where he tucked it when he ran, and waves it at Komaeda for a moment before typing out a message.]

I got scared for y- [BACKSAPCE] I got scared when you ran out of the classroom like that. Let's go back, okay?

[commences]

( viewing the message, he stares tiredly, shaking his head, and proceeds to type what's on his mind. )

sorry, hinata-kun... i was just thinking about you.

( he was, certain words echo in his head that he doesn't know what to do with them, ah, in the end, it would have been better if hinata fell asleep already. he wouldn't have to suffer as much as he's doing now, but komaeda doubts sleeping can be that easy. without any hesitation, he takes a step forward towards the classroom as he encourages him to follow with him. as the moon shines down from the window to cascade their steps in its glow, its easier to see as they make it to the doors of where hinata had stumbled upon komaeda. )

it breaks my heart to know you're scared for me, but being scared of me would be worse
don't ever be scared of me

( because there's nothing about him to be afraid of, he's always been honest, and isn't that sort of honesty what make people believe in others? some type of hope. )

you didn't tell me I wrote backsapce at 7 am in the morning and now I have to look at it forever

[futurebullets]

[He can feel his breath catch in his throat, just the same as before, when he sees Komaeda in the moonlight. That, and the message on the PDA, do things to his heart that he isn't really equipped to handle. He adverts his gaze when he reads it, smile finally dropped because his expression turns too flustered to hold it. Hesitantly, he starts typing back.]

...If you say things like that, I won't know what to say at all. I really won't be able to leave you alone then, you know.

[He doesn't elaborate on that. That's all Komaeda's going to get. He looks back at him as he pauses before typing out the rest.

Hinata feels like he can breathe, now that they're back in the classroom together. A weight off of his shoulders now that he has Komaeda in sight, knows he's fine and safe and right here with him. He hadn't realized how much it bothered him that he couldn't confirm that with his own eyes until Hinata ran into him out in the hall, and it's...

It's scary. Feeling like this at all, but feeling like this about Komaeda... Even if he can't put a name to what "this" is, it's really scary.]

I used to be scared of you. I probably should be, still, but I...

I don't want to be anymore. [It's at this point, as he types, that the smile finally returns.] It's funny, but I never thought I'd feel this relieved just by knowing you're okay, so... That counts for something, doesn't it?

[As he passes back the PDA, he looks up at Komaeda, smile uncertain but almost... hopeful.]

bro i cannot THINK

[commences]

( he won't leave him alone if he says things like that? it makes komaeda wonder if he should say something more, if he does... will hinata really stay. maybe had he said the same thing when he woke up from the tube, would they have really stayed together in that sense? would one of his eyes be different, would they be able to return to a simpler time where everyone was together — where hinata would be able to know when komaeda is having difficulties? )

you can ignore me, you can hate me, you can despise me... but don't be afraid of me

( it's true, he can feel anything negative towards komaeda, but the one thing he shouldn't be is terrified, because there's nothing komaeda can do that goes against him. everything is for hope, each and every single plan he's put into motion in the past has been just for that. hinata doesn't realize it, he doesn't know how much of an important card he plays in komaeda's life — but the thought of hope being afraid of him, it makes him feel uncomfortable.

he doesn't know why he'd be more comfortable with hinata hating him, and maybe that's because komaeda's drawn to him anyway — would pester him no matter what, so he can power his way through that. yet, fear is a different beast, one that outweighs everything else. )

that way we'll always be together
what do you think, hinata-kun?
that's why you gave me a ring and tried to marry me, right

( he doesn't give him much time to think on that though, komaeda is joking after all since it's easy to ease him about these sorts of things. )

you should sleep i'll be here with you through the nightmares

it's ok my brain is smooth i didn't even know if the tag i just sent made sense before i hit post

[futurebullets]

[Even before he reads any messages, Hinata goes to the closest wall. He'll wave over Komaeda as he slides down to sit on the ground with his back to the wall.

It's probably just as well that he sits, because the moment he reads Komaeda's messages, he's grateful for the silence hiding the embarrassing noise he likely makes as he buries his face in his knees. How can he say things like that so easily...?!

When Hinata finally emerges after a few moments, blush returned in full force, he'll type out only a single message at first, which he'll show to Komaeda.]

I told you not to say anything embarrassing about the ring, you asshole.

[After Komaeda's read it, he'll begin writing out another message again.]

But... if you don't give me a reason to be afraid, I won't be afraid. And you don't need to ask me to stay when I already promised you that I would.

[For a moment, he holds his chest, the feelings that are piling there that feel fit to burst. Things he doesn't want to name, things that scare him - but things that also make him happy... things that feel right.

Even if he's uncertain, Hinata doesn't want to let go of this until he can understand it completely. That fragile, pained wish has always stayed the same, even if it's changed and reverted and changed again - he wants to understand Komaeda Nagito.]

If you're here... then if nothing else, I won't have to worry about you. [It feels so simple, now that he types it. A solution hiding in plain sight. His shoulders shake with silent laughter.] This is funny too, you know... I always wanted somebody that I could be close to enough to sleepover with when I was a kid.

[Someone to laugh with, share his thoughts with, spend all of his time with. A friend that would look at him beyond all the seriousness, the diligence and the hard work he did - just as Hinata Hajime, the person.

It would be nice... if he could have somebody like that.]

If you're offering, then I'm asking. Stay here with me tonight, Komaeda.

baby shark do do do ddo dbaby shark dodo

[commences]

( it's embarrassing as always to be in a room alone with hinata hajime, never has komaeda been able to keep his cool — it felt like some sort of norm between best friends, an aspect he's never really had. he grew up parents, he can't say that they loved him, but he existed in the same space as them — but he loved his dog, he knew that the loyalty it shared to him was more than enough. perhaps that's where komaeda's urge to listen and be loyal came from for hope — who knows. anyway, his sort of worry stems from sitting next to him, their shoulders nudging on another makes his focus hard to control, but he only knows one way how. )

don't worry hinata-kun, i'm sure when you get married that you'll be a nice wife...
you'll make some boy or girl really happy
i can be a test run for you, but when you find someone you can be happy with... you'll be pretty lucky!

( there's been a lot of time for him to think about that, and he can type it ever so easily with a smile on his face. he's just so used to teasing hinata, he's way too easy for him to avoid, but he is honest about what he says. komaeda isn't much to lie, he doesn't see the point to, what hope will it bring to do that when he can be genuine with his words while vague. just like how he knows hinata will make the perfect wife, he's just so great at dealing with others — well, that's what komaeda noticed despite when he believed the other didn't know his talent, he still managed to hit it off with the other ultimate's well. )

oh you want to sleep with me that bad?

( let it be him to take it out of context, but that's all he has on the pda as he offers it to hinata as he waits for him to react badly. as long as he's caught off guard, it'll be enough for komaeda to launch forward, his arms wrapping around the brunette just so they can fall onto their sides on the floor. hopefully hinata has a good hold on komaeda's pda so it doesn't slip out his hand — especially with the spooning position he's managed to lock them in. he presses his mouth against the back of hinata's shoulder, peeking over to see if the pda is still in his hands.

even within this close proximity, there's probably no way in the world hinata hajime could understand something like komaeda nagito — but that's not true, even the ultimate has said it himself... that his own feelings of positivity towards him stemmed from someone... from hinata trying to understand him. that thought is enough for the arm around the youth's waist to tighten, pulling him closer —

hm. it's not too embarrassing when he has control over the situation. how he gets to pretend that this is some childhood venture that they've both always wanted, just to have company alone in the dark where they could sleep without a worry. like all kid's do, especially when they could have sweet dreams. )

1/4 - kodaka voice: please watch until the very end :)

[futurebullets]

[Hinata would be hollering if he could, but- that's impossible, so Komaeda will simply get treated to him flailing around gratuitously before they both go down.

He's glad his back is to Komaeda, because Hinata is pretty sure he'd die if they could see each other's faces. His ears feel so hot.]

You really can't stop saying embarrassing things, can you. I bet you just do this to me for fun.

[duh

He still isn't sure what's worse - the embarrassed expression that's made its home on his face for however long... or the grin that keeps fighting to make itself known. But he's glad, either way, that Komaeda can see neither right now.

But there's something nice about this, when he stops to think about it, the ease that comes with not having to show Komaeda what he's typing because he's already right there. The Hinata of two months ago would've been shocked speechless, but right now... right now the only thing he can think is that it's a welcome weight he feels on his shoulder.

It makes him feel... precious. Important. Cherished.

Hinata's insides squirm.]

That... would be nice though, wouldn't it? Getting married for real one day.

[His eyes are starting to droop, body relaxing more than he'd anticipated, and Komaeda can probably see the way his fingers start to move slower on the PDA.

It's why he doesn't remember to write it as "getting married to somebody", a sentence innocent of any attachments.]

I bet it's nice... living with somebody that wants you always by their side, who wants to hold you close and never let you go. Someone that looks at you like you matter, and cares about you with all their heart.

[Somebody... that would look at me with love in their eyes...]

I want

[The sentence is left hanging, unfinished.

Hinata Hajime falls asleep.

Without a single nightmare to be found... perhaps for the last time.]

2/4 - my best and worst gift to you... though I adjusted a little bit tonight

[futurebullets]

[Hinata wakes up in a way that he isn't expecting.

Migrating from back-to-back to facing Komaeda in his sleep, limbs wrapped around each other and chests pressed together, as carefree of space as if they were siblings or lovers - things that would distract Hinata with embarrassment at any other time.

But these are not the things he isn't expecting.

It's the sense of overwhelming peace that relaxes every inch of his body, his mind settled and not stressed and constantly pushing the way it's felt every day since the year or two before junior high, too much expectation and pressure placed on the shoulders that had once been too small to bear it. It's how his brain isn't buzzing, finally, thank Christ, the white noise of fear and anxiety and stress completely wiped clear. It's the way his heart aches sweetly in his chest, as he sees the softness of Komaeda's face in sleep and thinks, There you are. A reunion with the person that has always been there, has never gone away. The boy on the beach that he's missed every day. I found you, he thinks second, almost giddy in his wonder.]

Komaeda.

[His voice is a little hoarse after a night full of silent conversations, gentle as feathers in the morning light. If Komaeda happens to wake up, he'll see the soft wonder in his eyes, maybe hear the way his breath catches on the syllables of his name.

He thinks.

I'd wake up next to you every morning, if it felt like this.

He feels like it's okay, for once, to be Hinata Hajime. He's happy to be him, if he gets to experience this.

Even if he still isn't sure why he'd deserve it, he could learn how to be proud.]

3/4 - cw: suicidal ideation, but it's mostly still the same, even though it hits a lot different now

[futurebullets]

[Hinata thinks.

Hinata wakes up

and

everything

falls

a p a r t.

He blinks, and suddenly- he remembers. So much, too much, he chokes on nothing as he forces himself into a sitting position, trying not to throw up or scream because

Because.

He- remembers, remembers being in Strawberry House and Grape House and Nidai dead again, pain and unfair, and Nanami being his guiding light and Komaeda tearing him down with the truth as always but indescribably worse.

He remembers, and hates it, and hates himself, because Hinata Hajime is a Reserve Course student and nothing to be proud of and he wants to claw his own veins out until something of worth bleeds out.

He is nothing. He is nothing. He is nothing he is nothing he is nothing he is nothing he is nothing he is NOTHING-]

Ah... Ah...!

[Broken sounds slip out of his mouth, everything torn apart - like when Saihara died, like when Nene died.

He wishes he was dead, too.

Anything to stop this pain. Anything to make it stop hurting.

And isn't he such an awful human being? For ever being able to compare this to that? It makes him even sicker to his stomach, and his hand goes to his mouth, still choking on nothing, before both hands reach up to grip his hair.

Help me.

Hinata's back hits the wall, tears burning at his eyes.

Somebody please help me.

He opens his eyes.

The only one there is...

"My hand.. You want to take it in marriage?

"I don't know if I like hearing such a tone of voice from a talentless human like you."

The one who always helped him... will not help him any longer.

All of the pain in his mind, in his chest, in his soul, coalesces into one singular point - rage.

You liar.

The smiles. The reassurance. The vulnerability. The sweetness he carried in his chest. Everything he forbade himself to feel when he saw everything Komaeda hid in the cage of his mind, and healed enough to feel again.

You fucking liar.

It's anger, burning, unfair and righteous in one - because Komaeda knew. He knew, and said things like this anyway, and Hinata's anger is grief as much as it is fury.

He's wanted, so very desperately to remember... and all he wishes he could do is forget.]

4/4 - and with this tag I've waited to send you since the day I apped... good luck, Komaeda

[futurebullets]

You son of a bitch.

[His voice is shattered and shaking, raw with everything that once was and may never be again. The dam is burst, resentment and anger pouring out in equal turn, scorn of a heart cut open and left to lie bleeding.

If Komaeda hasn't woken up in the midst of this crisis, he will by this point - because Hinata will push him flat onto his back, shoving his shoulder down hard, rougher with him than he's ever been in the whole time they've known each other.]

Did you have fun, making jokes about marriage and playing house with the trash that you hate? Did you get a good laugh out of making me blush and fooling me into thinking I was someone that mattered to you?

[Hinata gets ticked off at people, but rarely does that leak into actual hatred. And yet, the flames of anger that are fanned in his voice, climbing with every word, sound as close to hate as Hinata has ever been in his life.

He wants to hate him.

He's trying so hard to hate him.

But it's so difficult, when he can still remember the sensation of how his heart raced.

In the next moment, something shifts - he smiles, but there is nothing but a shell of Hinata Hajime in it, a silhouette of the boy that smiled in the sunlight. The tears that have been there for the last few minutes finally roll freely down his face.]

Or... has this been your twisted sense of pity all this time? Telling me I was talentless over and over again, but the one who didn't want to hear-

[A sob chokes his words for a moment, but he swallows it down.]

...It was me. It was always my fault, not wanting to remember. Maybe something inside of me always knew... that empty space in my head was nothing that could be filled at all. And I refuted it, even when the person that hates me most... tried to save me one last time.

Re: 4/4 - and with this tag I've waited to send you since the day I apped... good luck, Komaeda

[commences]

I'm going back to sleep this aint right

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LEFT THIS HERE AND THEN MADE ME PUT MINE BACK

[aleajactaest]

Hey, can you hear me?

[commences]

i hate you sm ur the reason why this is happening to me i wish youd die young me

cw: suicide

[commences]

( a rhetorical question, but simple questions deserve simple answers — of course, komaeda does this for fun, and there are other reasons he does it, but not like hinata remembers any of that. as long as his eyes are two solid colors, that means that time is distant, and komaeda isn't aware of how long it'll take — maybe sixteen years and then some? after his death within the simulation, his whole life played on repeat, from start to his suicidal finish to be freed from that husk of an ordinary life. while hinata isn't that person he knew then, shouldn't he take advantage of the youth to grow them properly into who they should be — then again, that person never needed him to become the important person that they were when he woke up. the first name of choice was kamukura izuru, but komaeda managed to check himself, reign himself in, and call out the name of the man he met within the situation.

hinata hajime.

that's what he dreams about anyway, the days of his "youth" fixed within that place made of data and memories — the location being the beach where they first met, and komaeda who was naive to the truth. at that point in time he knew nothing about him, only that he was an ultimate like everyone else there — he lacked memory, but komaeda too loses those as time goes on. maybe that's why he was so acceptant of it... that's not what's important thought. it's the sound of the waves crashing against the sand and rocks, the flap of the palm tree's leaves nearby, and his fingers pressing against the heat of the sand as he builds a castle — kneading soft and slow (which in reality is just komaeda's fingers idly pressing against hinata's back or stomach, whichever position he's in).

he's alone at first, that's until he blinks, and he's no longer alone, and there's hinata talking to him like komaeda has done no wrong — as if they never lost any semblance of understanding around the first death. this could be from the text leftover on the pda that builds komaeda's dreams — as the last things he said: "living with somebody that wants you always by their side, who wants to hold you close and never let you go. someone that looks at you like you matter, and cares about you with all their heart." what are those like? maybe it's an experience he's trying to create because he can't have it in reality. if hinata knew who he was, how important his person had became in the future, and how willing komaeda was to be by him... is that still the same thing? his fingers sink even deeper into the sand, messing up the structure as it falls apart, and if he dares look up... what sort of expression will hinata wear?

he's not afraid of looking, instead, something stops him, the waves crash heavier now like a storm, and the wind picks up violently... that's on him, he thinks, because of his bad luck. so when he finally decides to lift his head to tell hinata he should go, he's no longer there. komaeda has plenty of dreams like this, it's just a constant reminder that it'll always be him, alone, and he accepts that. it's when everything goes black that it kind of hurts, there's a sharp pain against his head, his body aches — even the sharp pain that runs through his arm. how long did it take for komaeda to fall asleep is the question, he stayed up most of the night watching over the other, and when he finally did decide to rest... something unfortunate as being forced to wake up would happen to him.

there's sound, nothing he can really make out, but quickly his eyes open to what seems to be... hinata? his brain takes a bit to connect to what's going on — his voice sounds off, not as tsunderely distant as per normal, but filled with anger, irritation, sadness... he grits his teeth, trying to accept what's going on, listening, wondering why hinata's even going this far — )

Wh —

( it's a whirlwind of emotions coming from him, and it's worst compared to komaeda's whose own brain can never stay on course in terms of his personality and feelings. it sounds like he's learn something, there's key words he picked out of hinata's rant — the trash he hates, the talentless — those aren't wrong, those who lack talent have a very weak hope, komaeda stands by this even now. a world without hope is meaningless, that means if the talentless have to sacrifice themselves for that hope, then it's fine — that's what they're used for, so it's not like lacking a talent is all that bad. not as bad as hinata makes it out to be. )

...?

( it's hard to understand what's happening, one minute you're laying with someone, and then the next they're in their feelings for some odd reason. )

Make up your mind... who do you want to blame?

( does he want to blame komaeda, or does he want to blame himself? whatever has gotten into hinata, komaeda should figure out what's with the sudden change. how he came to the idea of lacking talent — no, how did he learn... komaeda doesn't recall him leaving at all, but guess that's an easy tell him holding onto him. did he mumble something pass his lips to spill that hidden fact — perhaps nanami, but that doesn't seem in her character, even though they know... there's tanaka, but...

he doesn't care about playing this safe, but he's not going to indulge until he properly gets the full picture. though, komaeda appears to be in pain himself with the male's hand against his shoulder pushing, reminding him about his bad arm that the ultimate tries to prop himself up with — he stares though, a little annoyed, confused, but his eyes fall on the other's tears as they stain his cheeks. )

...

[futurebullets]

[The smile drops from his face, replaced with a flat stare, tears still falling from his eyes. Hinata doesn't make any move to wipe them away.]

There's enough blame to go around for both of us, isn't there?

[His gaze sharpens, ever so slightly.]

I wonder, who do you think is more at fault, Komaeda? The lying Ultimate Luck that weaved pretty words together? Or the worthless Reserve Course student who couldn't open his ears?

[His voice starts to tremble at the very end, fingers digging in just a little bit harder.]