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npc contact.2
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...
......... ]
You already know?
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( or maybe npckun did lie, komaeda's not sure, he just remembers the answer he would search for never came up, the other would never tell him directly. )
Was that your plan, to keep me in the dark the entire time? ...Having me build these fantasies knowing they'd never actually happen? ( he stops, but his eyes do glance over to npckun, tilting himself so he can try and see what the other has to hide. ) Is there anything else I should know that doesn't mean anything that you had me play along with?
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[ Nnnngh. They can hear the disappointment in his voice, turning their head away when Komaeda tries to get a closer look.
It's not like they were going to hide it forever... Okay, well actually, yes that was the plan. But it was also something they sort of put off, trying not to think about it or voice it or make it real, because then it would have to be something they need to address and they aren't equipped to face insurmountable impossibilities. It's mean, they know. It's something that colors everything they do and say, something that invalidates all their thoughts and feelings and being when, in just a couple of months, nothing about them will have ever mattered. ]
I didn't want you to think I was hopeless.
[ A lost cause. Somebody not worth pretending with, who has no future to build towards. ]
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( it sound familiar, but komaeda won't say anything if it does or doesn't, instead when npckun turns away, komaeda leans up as he watches. how should he feel, even though he's known for awhile, could he have gotten fed up? or... isn't this what npckun wanted before, to see komaeda mad? yes, but maybe disappointment was something they hadn't expected because the ultimate isn't able to show anger about this.
he glances towards the door, almost like he's thinking about it, but he doesn't. instead, he closes his eyes in thought, and his fingers curl into fists — what leftover fingernails dig into his palm, and they leave behind crescent shapes. )
Forcing them into despairing situations.
( maybe that's why komaeda doesn't lie, that he sees no reason to do so because he always believes in a positive despite the way his life is going. he'll allow npckun to speak, though. it's better than rokkun, he guesses, who removed his memories because that was the only way he could make it. )
Are you hopeless? ( he asks, eyes squinting as if he wants to see through them for what they really are. )
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[ REGARDLESS OF IF THEY ARE there's no way they can say yes after hearing "Hopeless people make me sick"
...It's not a lie. Something that's ever transient can't be. ]
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( answer the tough questions. )
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[ Because anego said they're always right, and she's always right ]
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( ... )
I'm leaving.
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[ can't remember where they are but they're going to bodily block Komaeda from leaving ]
If you think that, then prove me wrong!
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...Is that what you want to do, turn it around on me?
( he sighs, looking off to the side. )
Having hope means taking your past, using it, and moving forward, but you're ashamed of yourself, and that's why you hide because of your own insecurities.
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[ But despite the declaration in their tone, it's quieter, eye contact shifting away. ]
It's not like people have to know my past. I did what I did so I could move forward...
[ They did what they did so they could be with the person they loved, because if they didn't... there was nothing else to live for, there was no point to existence, the end result would have been the same no matter what. ]
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( because that's just leading someone on, and komaeda wonders if he's stupid for even getting this far. he closes his eyes, taking a deep breath before his eyes lift up to look at npckun. )
I don't want you to take hope as a joke, as if it's meaningless because when it's all said a done, you only humored the idea... I want to know what hope you intend to grasp with your own hands with the encouragement of others.
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... ]
...I'm going to save Aniki. And then... maybe he'll save me.
[ If he never died, then neither would they— they wouldn't have experienced loss, they wouldn't have have become so clingy and anxious and duplicitous. Would have been less naïve, more sociable. Maybe they would have loved the dark, the water, the cold, the quiet. Maybe things would have turned out a lot better, and they would've been happier.
With a restart, Keigo Arata could have grown up happy and well adjusted. And the shopkeep that stands in front of Komaeda now will never have existed, just as promised by the end of the school year. ]
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( there's no force behind his voice, but there's no patient understanding, it's as if he's searching for the method to debate whether it'll help or not. the other has hidden so much, from the fact that their life means nothing to maybe some other parts about them, and komaeda won't know unless he's told. there's a hand on his hip, a bored expression on his face as he watches the other that speaks almost with a plea, and it's their "maybe" that makes komaeda shake his head. )
You have no hope in him, do you... Instead, you must see us all as failures, that we're chasing after something unobtainable...
( he clears his throat, lifting a head as fingers run through his hair. )
Maybe... To say things like maybe... do you want to be saved?
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...I want to, but that would take a miracle. Aniki doesn't know, and I'm not going to tell him.
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( if there's hope, then there will be hope, and komaeda will walk over despite his reservations before, and lean forward so he can look at their face they're attempting to hide. )
What do you believe will happen in the end? Do you think everything we've done so far is worthless... do you think the people around you will let you fall into despair...? When you say "but" it truly sounds like you've given up.
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... ]
I don't think it's been worthless. I just...
[ "just" "but" "don't" They close their mouth, lips pressed tight together.
... ]
I'm scared. I don't know what to do.
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( maybe from rokkun, he's annoying and reckless, and who knows what he'd do, but he doesn't seem to know much about the contracts that npckun is dealing with. that was unfortunate of all things, but with a sigh. )
It's just your soul, right? There has to be a way to break it without giving yourself away...
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I'm not breaking my soul!!
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( "just your soul", no big deal. )
Your contract... why did you go through with it, were you aware of the fine print?
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At that point, I had nothing left to lose.
[ Just their life. Just their soul. ]
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( he's not proud, but he seems a little irritable, maybe it's the conversation, maybe he just can't imagine how the other chose such a hopeless situation. he trains his face into a small smile, normal, as he sits down since the other had blocked him from leaving. )
...Hm, he'll be distressed when he finds out.
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[ Hnng, this would have been more effective if Komaeda were still standing and npckun could shout up at him, but they'll have to settle for sitting too, both of them back on the ground. ]
You can't tell him what I did. He'd blame himself, and it's not his fault.
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