yogen | (closed) this ain't build a bitch

(closed) this ain't build a bitch

Who: Nagito Komaeda & anyone who hits me up

What: October Catch-all

When: 10/01 onwards

Where: Various locations

Warnings: TBA

i'm filled with flaws and attitude,
so if you need perfect, i'm not built for you.

This post serves as a place for me to gather all of Komaeda's closed threads, starters, miscellany through the month. If you want to set something up, I can be reached by PM or at

sakasaki

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( it's late at night- far later than she's normally up and about, really. but after that meeting, and having carried stephanie out and eventually put her to bed, nene wasn't sure how anything ended. maybe tension fizzled out, maybe everyone slowly wandered back to their rooms, one by one to mourn themselves and process what they know...

nene doesn't expect anyone to truly sleep easy tonight. but it's a surprise that she doesn't seem to run into anyone on her way to the kitchen. maybe people just... want to be alone after all that? she can understand. she'll want to return to noah or hanako's side soon. but for right now? it's time to revisit the past, a little.

she remembers being a child, standing beneath the counter while her mom or dad gets her favorite mug- the stir of a spoon scraping against ceramic as it stirs inside, the smell of cinnamon and honey, clutching her blanket to her chest. it was something that an american friend of her dad had told them- warm milk with honey and a bit of cinnamon will soothe any night problem and put you to sleep.

so there she is in the kitchen, mixing up a simple comfort, when she hears someone walk in. ... ah. )

Komaeda-san. I thought you'd be checking on the others.

I've made my rounds.

( natsume left and was one of the people komaeda wanted to check on, so following him to the student council office — he decided to turn around. it wasn't a shocking sight considering their previous conversations, so he came back to the dorms, back to the presentation, and then escorted helena outside for a breath of fresh air. he guesses that's what nene means by komaeda checking up on others, but it's not like she's wrong. )

...Hm, you haven't retreated back to your room?

( not that's where cowards hide, but the tension was so high in the room that no one really wanted to deal with others. considering his room has quite the set of people, he doesn't find going back there immediately to be the answer, and so he's come to make him something to drink as well. he opens the refrigerator, pulling out the carton of milk as he looks for a simple bowl to pour it in. )

Considering the mood, I thought it'd become unbearable for someone as positive as you. ( he stares at the bowl as he pours, making sure not to reach the rim of it before he stops. that'll be enough. )

No. I was with Stephanie- ( after all, the poor thing had a meltdown and wanted to be taken to another room. so that's what she did. it took some time, ultimately, because nene wasn't going to leave the girl alone like that. ) -And by the time I tucked her into bed, everyone seemed to have left, for the most part.

( sprinkle a little cinnamon into the milk... stir stir stir stir. ... wait, komaeda, are you drinking out of a bowl... fucking superb, you funky danganronpa. )

It's not that. I wanted to stay. But I wasn't needed there as much, so I went where I was. I think I was able to say what I needed to, at least, and if I've missed anything, I can always ask someone.

( she inhales, exhales, takes a taste sip of the milk... yeah, that's a good mix. but in a way, komaeada and nene have something in common: they want to support others. so if he's made his rounds already... has anyone checked on him? )

How are you feeling?

( at hearing her name, komaeda's head lifts from the bowl of milk that he had been staring at his own reflection, and he swallows down the saliva in his throat as he tries to figure out how to word his thoughts. it's very tedious considering the conversation, but that's because he was concerned about her hope at the time — the way she lashed out, her concerns for the group, her willingness to act on her own accord to find the answers. )

She must be alright then... if she allowed you to leave her to sleep.

( perhaps that's what he's hoping for anyway, she's a strong child, but there are still some parts of the conversation that placed between a few people. ) Hmm... if I shouldn't say this, forgive me, but thank you for watching over her. I spoke with her for a bit, but I can tell I did nothing but become irritable.

( he's turning around now so that he can put the milk back where he found it, and his eyes scan what else is inside to see if there's any food leftover from lucifer's cooking or... just something that's simple, maybe turkey that's been cut into slices, or ham. his attention derails at her question, slightly confused because... yeah, no one asks him that aside from hinata, and so to hear someone else... he's hesitant. )

...Oh, I thought it was a nice gathering, pretty loud.

( he doesn't know what to say, but he closes the fridge as he turns towards her. ) Are you okay?

I didn't leave her until it was a good time, I promise. ( once they got a lot of tears out, once hurting hearts were soothed for the time being, once stephanie was ready but knew she could come see nene at any point in the night if she needed.) She might need help getting through this. But everyone needs help sometimes. And I'm her big sister, she said so herself. If I can't help her, what can I do? ... I hope I'm a good one. I was an only child. ... I know you tried, too. So... if you can't say it, neither can I. But thank you.

( so many people tried to get through to stephanie, stephanie tried to get through to them. emotions were high, and a lot of people learned a very terrible truth. accusations were made... ... things were going to boil over, and no one knew how to truly handle it. maybe amami had it best, but even then... something still seemed off. )

Nice, huh? I don't think a lot of people would agree, since everyone was so upset. But that's not what I was asking. ... You don't have to answer, though.

( with the question turned on her, nene holds the hot mug close, like she's absorbing it's warmth. )

... It was a relief, kind of. I'd just learned that- that we're all dead, just a week or so earlier. I didn't know what to do with that- who to tell, or how. But... Senpai had it covered, I guess.

( but that's only for the meeting, really. there's still the heartbreak that comes from learning she and hanako had failed, that she doesn't even know how it happened. with her luck, she probably fell on the stairs or something. hah. )

She's young... and she wants to help, but unfortunately, her efforts weren't the best. That's why I wanted her to understand that her hope clashed with others, but her reasoning was the seed, but how she applied it to them... too much water.

( drowning it to the point it was dying, and so people went against her, and she against them. komaeda's not a a gardener, but he knows the basics when it comes to offering hope to others to use as a way of growing — but at the end of the day, graduation wasn't the piece that was meant to be brought up. it was accepting their position of how they were dead. he doesn't blame stephanie though, it's not like she was wrong for her ways, but that doesn't mean anyone else was. at being thanked, he shakes his head. )

Amami-kun did more when reasoning, there's no need to thank me.

( the way he was trying to explain to her, but it seems even then it was difficult, and so to know that nene managed with her is a good thing. that stephanie didn't block them all out. )

Are you upset that we're dead? ( komaeda had known for awhile, he exchanged thoughts with natsume, but these place did feel like purgatory to him — the reason why there's no animals is probably because they all go to heaven or something, or why there's lackthereof. ) Some people are allowing this to get to them, cripple their efforts of moving forward, and then there are some who can take it in stride.

( komaeda's killed himself before, so death doesn't mean much to him. )

But you did try.

( and sometimes, that's all you can do. in terms of gardening- and this has come up with them before- nene's the gentler of them. if komaeda plucks away the dying leaves, nene coaxes them back to health. komaeda sees the drowning seed, nene diverts the water. or, she's learning to, anyways.

it's simply who they both are. and yet, nene digs in her heels for things that can't be fixed, and komaeda doesn't see the difference between damaged and repairable and dead.

... is she upset that they're dead? yes. of course she is. she was 15, and just getting started. there was so many things she wanted to do, not as some next life but as her. nene looks away, before looking back up at komaeda. )

The last thing I remember... ( she grips the mug a bit tighter, sighing. ) Can I tell you a story?

( he did try, he guesses that's what matters as long as it's for hope, he doesn't care much about how a person ends up — stephanie's hope is still growing, and there's no need to let it get damaged where it's irreparable. he's sure that what nene did to take care of her was probably more than enough, for her to have someone to confide in changes the direction of things, of her will, and so he's satisfied for now. )

It is late, a bed time story won't hurt.

( he thinks as he stays by his bowl, but he picks it up to set it within the fridge so that it can remain cold. it's not him for him, actually, but someone else that would be more grateful for it. once he closes the door, he slowly makes his way back over to find somewhere to sit next to her, his arms crossed on the table as he lays his head down on them. his eyes watch her, noticing the grip that she has on her mug, sometimes noticing these small things will come in handy later. )

What's on your mind, Yashiro-san?

So... back home, I see the dead, and spirits, and other things like that. I help Hanako-kun as his assistant, and he grants wishes for the living. But one morning... One morning I woke up, and I remember running late to class, and when I got there, the boy behind me wasn't the usual classmate. Instead, it was a boy who looked just like Hanako-kun, but alive. ... Our friend Mitsuba-kun was alive too, and... ( she doesn't want to share hanako's secrets. she can't say it's his brother. and, she doesn't want to say his real name, either. hanako-kun is hanako-kun. regardless of everything. ) another boy, also meant to be dead.

( nene looks at the cinnamon clumped up on top of the milk, and takes a sip. warm... it feels like she's little again, almost, but at the same time this isn't the first time she's made herself a treat like this late at night, without her parents there patting her head beneath the counter. )

Only Kou-kun and I remembered them being dead, and everyone acted like we were saying something silly. And in the middle of school was an old, tall tower that'd never been there before.

...

( he's listening, his eyes watchin her expression first to gauge how this story will play out — some are telling, others are good at keeping a straight face. if this is the truth that what she's telling him, he wonders what face will come from her heart as he waits. he imagines he and hanako-kun since he's overly familiar with that one in general — the others are just faceless additions since komaeda doesn't know them. mitsuba-kun, another body, and unfortunately at the end of the day it was her and kou-kun who lived in a questionable world of changes. they must be the protagonists of this story. )

What sort of tower was it?

( despite the changes in people, even the scenery was different, and nothing like they've seen before. they knew that the memories weren't correct, but that changes how everyone sees each other, but as for a building could present something, maybe the foundation that holds things together. he doesn't know, but she can tell him. )

It was taller than the rest of the school, standing right in the middle of it... I remember being able to see it from any point in the school, and it was disjointed. Like... if you took a lot of different blocks, all different styles, materials and sizes, and tried to stack them. It didn't look like it could have supported the building on top of it, but...

( in a painted world, do physics matter? )

... My friends couldn't even agree on what it was supposed to be. It'd always been under construction, and some thought it was for new classrooms. But Kou-kun and I never once remembered it being there before.

It felt like something out of a story book, or a game- like, the first Professor Layton!

( he doesn't say anything on it, but the thought of an unfamiliar structure does stand out to him — like the timer in jabberwock park, the one thing that didn't make sense to how they originally knew it. his brows furrow a bit before his expression returns to a more calmer look. thoughtful, like something is in his mind he's wondering over, but easily dismissed when he doesn't find an answer.

it does sound like something out of a game, or a book, and it's nothing they can overrule either: )

I had a familiar circumstance, and those are always... the most peculiar.

( he looks up to her now, his eyes empty, but he's listening regardless. )

Something in the center, but I believe it's what... holds the world together.

( or in his case. )

Mm.

( but the tower wasn't the truly important thing, not at the moment. )

The boy who looked like Hanako-kun- he was just like him but taller, living- I could touch him without phasing through. He had the same interests, the same favorite food- ( the same interest in her legs. ) -everything. And as far as the class was concerned, he'd always been there.

( he put up with her tests so well, even if it was kind of bullying on her end- and he still asked her out on a date. it would have been nice... but. that was the point of everything, wasn't it? )

We did normal class things- he read from the lessons perfectly, we cleaned the class together, and we all cleaned the outdoor pool together too. Mitsuba-kun fit in just right, too. But at one point, when taking a break... Kou-kun and I saw a girl wearing a different school uniform. Aoi-chan and Akane-kun thought she might have been one of the local legends: Shijima of the Art Room. But as they were telling us her story, they crumbled apart like they were made of stone and plaster...

And everyone thought that was normal, too. That they'd be back soon.

( how many times has she seen aoi die in front of her now? finding her as a ball-jointed doll, now that... nene closes her eyes for a moment, before sighing. )

Mitsuba-kun let it slip that he knew something was up, first. He'd tried to distract me and Kou-kun from- from having watched my best friend and her childhood friend just crumbling apart like that, and when he pushed too much, Kou-kun snapped at him. And he said, "What can you do, anyway? This world isn't even real." Me and Kou-kun had to chase him down, after that.

... So... What do you think that world was, Komaeda-kun?

Boring, normal... boring... that's not the sort of life you live, Yashiro-san.

( for someone who lives in a world with ghosts and seeing spirits, one where everything is different from the excitable norm — nene wasn't meant to live in a world where her friends were alive, or hanako was even... a literal human with an actual life. it all sounds made up, a dream that people wish for that shouldn't come true, or they'll become sinners for making such a world true. her story is not too far off from rokkun's dream, every person that he reached out to crumbled into dust, and he listens a little closer, taking ever piece of her story to see if it's anything connected to his.

luckily this is her story and not his, so that's a book he'll open for another day. )

From what you told me, the answer is locked away in all your words... I should use context clues.

( he leans up, looking towards the light above. )

It's like a story, something out of a game... what isn't real, but mirrors reality down to every miniscule aspect, but can be warped to your liking. Since you said it was like a "story" or something out of a "game"... it's neither of those, you would have used other means to compare it. ( he looks over to nene now, reading her expression to know if he's right or not. ) Next you mentioned legends, and then art... legends are normally crafted after what happened in the past, and I believe you're capable enough to figure those out... they never change.

( he sighs, clearing his throat for a moment which makes his next guess one he'll shoot in the dark with. ) You also mention art, it reminds me Okane-san's painting, the one that was depicted after the wisteria. It's the same, but can be different depending on the artist... everything was the same, but almost like it was catered to you and your friend's liking. The world on a canvas isn't truly real, after all... in a way, it was a hopeless world to me, considering everything was catered enough that you could accept it as real, if you wanted...

( it used to be her life. other than rejections- being taken advantage of- her life was idyllic and peaceful. ... well. not idyllic. not when she spent more nights alone entirely than not, when even before dying she hadn't seen her parents in weeks. but what can you do? but something jolts her to speaking again, despite his theorizing. legends never changing... hah. )

Oh, but they do change. That's part of my job. ... Supernaturals, back home anyways, need to be remembered. Spoken about. But they also have to act in accordance to the stories about them- if their stories are forgotten, or if they act out of line of it, they fade away or worse. I set stories back to right, or change them from something less harmful. Words have power... mangling a legend can do more than you may think.

( but he's got it. so she takes another sip of her drink before continuing her tale. )

The painted world... was beautiful. The clouds were perfectly fluffy. The sky, the bluest blues. Even though we live in a city, the stars were so crisp and clear. ... I don't think it's existence was a bad thing- a sort of paradise that exists in art. But... that doesn't mean I wanted to stay there.

Shijima-san told me and Kou-kun, when we went to her tower, that to escape we had to kill the "main characters" of the world- the people who it truly catered to. The living brought back, allowed another chance. If we wanted to escape, we had to kill Mitsuba-kun and Hanako-kun's double.

The same can be said here, how names have power... legends unchanging, they have to remain as what they were... but we can account for an anomaly that shifts them for a moment, but your job is to rectify their odd behavior... understandable, keep up the good work.

( change them from something harmful seems a tad unfair, especially if they were made that way, but supernatural entities are not komaeda's forte, rather, the only supernatural aspect about him is his luck — aside from that he's all human, well, if they count the despair that rests inside of him. though, that's not a legend, but a disease that runs through the synapse of his body. )

...It's existence isn't bad at a glance, but would you want someone to live in a world where... everything's perfect, nothing is worked for... nothing gained, just given. A world like that which isn't created by your own brand of hope isn't a world living in, no matter how beautiful.

( a painted world would be the world komaeda lived in after his death, the shock his mind went through because he was alone, because he knew the love of no one — to emit himself into a location far and deep within the recesses of data where no one could save him, and he lives a world where... he was meant to technically be happy, where he had friends, people he supported, and others depended on him back.

...

he disliked that world. )

...Really?

( he lifts his head to look up at her — the protagonists — it's familiar, and why is that? because to leave that state of existence that was catered to him, he willingly killed himself, and that brought an end to the simulation. but for them, the people that meant to live in that world, he wonders. )

It must sound silly to ask them to kill themselves, but... ( he pauses, watching her. ) what was your choice?

( nene almost stops to tell him about the mokke- little kleptomaniacs who nearly killed her, begged for her help to change their rumors, and found peace... mostly, they were trying so hard to take a seat as a mystery, after all. but they're already a little off track, and she doesn't want to diverge too much.

at the question, nene simply smiles. )

Am I supposed to take the word of a jailor at face value? Accept that a prison in the middle of construction is airtight without any cracks? ... I will not kill. Not to escape, or anything else. There's another way- there always will be.

( of course, that sounds rather silly when one remembers her making amane bike her around the city for hours trying to find a crack in the walls. )

Kou-kun went with Mitsuba-kun... I didn't ever get the chance to ask him what happened while we were separated. But Hanako-kun's double- I asked him for help looking around the city. But no matter how far from the tower we went, Shijima-san was there, waiting and watching.

Eventually, well into the night, a paintbrush approached and told me there was another way. ( here, she frowns. ) Hanako-kun's double... he broke the brush in half and knocked me out before it could finish writing the message out. After a while, I woke up while he was carrying me, so I thought I'd pretend to still be asleep and see if he'd say anything.

Kou-kun and him got into an argument, while I was like that. Once he got back to the school, I mean. Because it was really Hanako-kun all along, pretending, just for a little while, to be one of us. And that's when I learned... as of that night, I had less than a year to live.

( she'd thought the words would feel heavier when she finally said them- she had told clamor, and that was it. even natsume- who she'd told almost everything else- didn't truly know. amami was given hints, but... amami ultimately lives in his own world, devoted only to the ones he loves. what hints a girl he barely knows drops don't really matter until she matters too. )

I don't know if Hanako-kun asked Shijima-san to make that world, or if he just took advantage of it. But in order to save my life, he was going to keep me there in a paradise. He'd let Mitsuba-kun regain his life there, too. Let Kou-kun be with him. ... But he was going to leave, and Shijima-san would have to watch over a gilded cage. For as long as they could sustain me. If Hanako-kun left the world behind, I don't know if his double would have remained, either.

( not because killing him was an option- despite the knife being thrust into her hands, she wouldn't consider it then and it doesn't cross her mind now. but the question lingers. and it does for a reason. )

He brought me to the tower after that, and locked me in a little prison. Once the painting was finished, I would lose my memories of the real world, he'd said. A paradise would be all I'd ever known.

How unfortunate, a world where it would become your norm... a world where you'd live forever — such a concept is only illustrated to be your downfall.

( but it could have been her gain, something she would have been able to hold onto until she died, or if she ever died in that set up built for her. though, she would still lose considering she was unsure if her friend would remain, but that doesn't matter. once her memory was rewritten, she wouldn't know anything was out of place, but maybe she would feel it, an inkling of something wrong. as komaeda threw away hope, he didn't know the feeling, until the end, until there was something wrong in his simulation that gave him the chance to break free.

would there be anyone like that for her? though, it'd be up to her to break from that shell, to move forward to escape such a trapped world, it's all the stuff one would see in a movie as komaeda listens attentively. )

A gilded cage, you were his bird... with the opportunity to fly away because of your short life span, but there... you would be protected, you would have everything... you'd forgo freedom.

( and that is an easy end, that isn't hope at all, what hope is made out of that when she didn't do anything, but this isn't about his thoughts, this is about hers. )

What did you do, Yashiro-san? Obviously you're here with your memories...

Mmm... I talked with Shijima-san, and I got to learn her wish. ... She was born from the desire of a sickly girl named Shijima Mei. All she wanted was to keep drawing, but she was hospitalized... the Shijima-san I knew was an idealized version of her, healthy and able to draw forever. But she wished she could bring back the living Shijima Mei and take her place, to protect her from rumors surrounding her death...

She and I were the same. We both wanted to live. We both wanted to outrun our fate...

( and they both failed. kazuki had said that not everyone remembered their deaths- that the last things they remember didn't mean that they died around that time... but she has a certain feeling that things went wrong. she remembers the hospital though, she remembers shijima trying to kill her living counterpart before she could have been wished into existence, and shijima quietly encouraging her after everything.

she remembers that anguished smile hanako gave her. )

We came to an understanding. But Hanako-kun is the strongest of the supernaturals in our school. Even if we wanted to, we could never fight him. And the paintbrush was the remains of one of Shijima-san's copies that oversaw the painted world- she'd survived, and when Kou-kun and Mitsuba-kun rejoined us, we decided to find the 'backdoor' to the world, hidden in a place neither Hanako-kun nor Mitsuba-kun, as the main characters of the dream, could reach.

The moon.

We had to climb to the very top of the tower, and Shijima-san and Kou-kun distracted Hanako-kun while Mitsuba-kun and I tried to go around them. But we still needed to get to the moon... so... we got a bike and cart. I was gonna ride it to the moon, and you know, I really did get us into the sky! Past the clouds even! ( and if she sounds a little excited here, who could blame her? ) ... Hanako-kun tried to stop us, and I fell off though- he caught me. ... And...

Then we talked. Really talked. Because as nice as paradise is... I want to live. I want to live my life as best as I can, regardless of what the world throws at me. Locking me up, handing me a fake happiness.... who could live like that? And... ultimately, despite everything. He did too. ... It's why he tried that to begin with. And I really don't think it was his first option.

( but desperation drives people to terrible things, and the road to hell is paved with good intentions. ...of course she wants mitsuba to get to live. of course she wants a real chance at a life with hanako. the painted owlrd was beautiful and wonderful, but paintings aren't meant to be experienced so literally.

but then nene goes quiet, looking away as she sets the mug down. )

The last thing I remember is leaving Shijima's boundary, returning to the world of the living. A few days later, exam dates were posted. And then...

And then I woke up here.

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(closed) this ain't build a bitch

October 1st, After the Presentation

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