Sara Chidouin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
samuraiwomen) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
yogen2022-03-04 09:37 pm
samuraiwomen) wrote in yogen2022-03-04 09:37 pm
Entry tags:
like a bitter stranger
Who: Everyone
What: Our monthly family meeting.
When: March 5th, 2000.
Where: Yogen dorms common room.
Warnings: Discussions of murder, suicide, child death...more?
[ A message goes up on the forums late Friday evening.
S.chidouin: Group meeting in the dorms Saturday. 12:00. No punching. No stabbing. I'll bring stickers.
If your character would not find a post from Sara worth listening too, Bonnie is wandering around, vaguely noting how important this meeting is, and how very much you should attend. No further details are forthcoming.
The meeting itself is a quiet affair. The fireplace is not lit, there are no snacks. Sara waits in the corner for everyone to arrive and get settled and then she clears her throat to speak. ]
As most of you know... [ It's hard to start, but her voice gets firmer as she goes on. ] We spent the last two months investigating Maya Arisu's murder. That case is solved. A few weeks ago, Bonnie-chan and I found the culprit.
Rantaro Amami killed Maya Arisu, Hiro Arisu, the vice principal and is presumably responsible for the scene with Keigo Arata. He is also dead. I just figured...everyone should know. To many people got hurt the last few months. I'm sorry.
[ She fiddles with her hair. That's all...she really has to say. There's not much more then that as the gist of it. ]
What: Our monthly family meeting.
When: March 5th, 2000.
Where: Yogen dorms common room.
Warnings: Discussions of murder, suicide, child death...more?
[ A message goes up on the forums late Friday evening.
S.chidouin: Group meeting in the dorms Saturday. 12:00. No punching. No stabbing. I'll bring stickers.
If your character would not find a post from Sara worth listening too, Bonnie is wandering around, vaguely noting how important this meeting is, and how very much you should attend. No further details are forthcoming.
The meeting itself is a quiet affair. The fireplace is not lit, there are no snacks. Sara waits in the corner for everyone to arrive and get settled and then she clears her throat to speak. ]
As most of you know... [ It's hard to start, but her voice gets firmer as she goes on. ] We spent the last two months investigating Maya Arisu's murder. That case is solved. A few weeks ago, Bonnie-chan and I found the culprit.
Rantaro Amami killed Maya Arisu, Hiro Arisu, the vice principal and is presumably responsible for the scene with Keigo Arata. He is also dead. I just figured...everyone should know. To many people got hurt the last few months. I'm sorry.
[ She fiddles with her hair. That's all...she really has to say. There's not much more then that as the gist of it. ]
no subject
Uhm... yeah, that's fine...
( he can't comment on the second part, not right now anyway, there's too much freedom where he thinks the floor will collapse under them. does he feel... wronged? no, he thinks he's done something bad, that he shouldn't have been here. there's a small snap in his mind that tells him to remember that hope is made through this, that something good will come even if he can't see it now. he doesn't even dare look up to check the room, and instead he stares into ranger's own. )
Confessions by Kanae Minato might be nice to read...
( it's not the perfect book, but that doesn't stop komaeda from suggesting it, and he's read it so many times that he wants to reread it again. something to get their mind off the meeting, indulging in another person's story, and there being no consequences for their opinions, but through the smallest despair... a bountiful hope is harvested; it'll just take awhile for them to pick it, to rinse off the dirt, and realize what they have in their hands.
it's that, and he can tell that ranger doesn't want to be alone himself. it's easy for him to understand with his comment, and the other must be lonely in a different way where someone else being there just doesn't cut it. he wants someone that matters. )
What do you think?
no subject
But it's not like those words will mean much, no more than a person saying don't feel bad will dismiss the raincloud that's formed over his head. ]
... You didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault that they won't try to understand you. Not you or Amami. They're gonna keep tearing each other apart like this until they start really looking at each other.
[ It's the truth, it's what lies at the heart off the matter, and it's why these incidents repeat in an endless loop. There's nothing worthwhile about a belief that will fade the moment a person doesn't match the ideal. They have to learn if they're ever going to break that cycle. It's not something he should say when everything he can say and do will only inflict more pain, but it's too painful to say nothing at all. He doesn't expect a response though, and he won't push any further.
Ranger gives his hand a little tug to show that he wants to stalk walking instead. The quicker they leave, the faster he'll be able to breathe. He moves on, not intending to push the matter any further now, ]
Confessions, huh? Yeah, I like that one... Maybe you can help me understand a couple things later.
[ The text is easy enough, but there's often little things that are lost on him, either due to his lack of experience or the need to contextualize emotions. ]
no subject
blood is so familiar, he finds that he can smell it if that was the case. red liquid rolling from under the debris along with a visible blue fabric, and strands of orange hair, but at least the substance touches his shoe and then forms around it. he would be lucky then, because thats a reminder to stay away. a mix of individuals he would have to call them, because at that point, he wouldn't even know if that death was enough to dub them stepping stones. his stomach twists and turns, an uncomfortable feeling settling in, making itself a home in the darkest parts of him. with an exhale, komaeda coughs as if he can expel it, but it's still there biding its time until it cuts himself from the inside out.
no matter how he feels, he can't give up on his beliefs or his actions, so he shakes his head slowly as they walk. he knows that ranger was going for leaving it with his thoughts, accepting it as so, and looking at the faults of the group. while that is visible, he can still believe in them, it's all he ever does as long as they have hope. )
There's great hope to be made even after despair, because it's so insignificant that it could never put out everyone's flame. ( with his voice low, he continues like it's a secret, but he's actually tired, feels bad enough that he doesn't want to hear his voice. ) If they can get through that, why wouldn't they get through this, even if they tear and rip each other, break themselves down... it's with those hands they can rebuild, make one another stronger, and understand what made them do so in the first place.
( it's the same with him, how experiences mold a person, prepares them for next time, and how they can engage peacefully if that's their objective. all is not lost, and he won't let it be, not for ranger who was made by the hands of humans, knowing they're the creatures that gave his life meaning. he doesn't allow for that disconnect because the group has to stay together, komaeda has to help their hope, even if it means acting in ways they'd dislike. )
It'd be easier to do if you didn't so fast, you get to tbe part that confuses you before me...
( but he's still walking along, joking where he can, for both of them because maybe it'd be funny to mention; even if it's only them that'll find it hilarious. )
no subject
He still can't forgive what was done nor what was said, but his expression softens into something downcast. He's frustrated, hurt, and worried. He hates how tired the other sounds, all those little tells of the blows he took during that meeting. He could name several people there who disgust him, but none more than himself who can't offer protection nor help nor even comfort.
But he nods one more time, adding a quiet "you're right" now to seal in the idea that Komaeda had presented to him. It's sometimes necessary to break things down in order to rebuild them. It wasn't everyone either, and he knows that to be true when he really stops to think about it. There were others who understood, they just seemed quiet compared to those who didn't. ]
Ahaha, would it? I'll slow down if you'll pick up.
[ He does manage a little chuckle though. He's quiet for a little while, not wanting to force conversation now. He speaks again once they're out of the dorms and he can breathe clean air once more, ]
... Do you wanna hear a story? Well, part of one, anyway.
[ The entire thing would be too long, and his shorter stories too long, but this one piece should be just enough. ]
no subject
( he points out, and he slips his hand into his pocket as they walk, but the other is held onto by his partner, and so his only one slips into the warmth of his jacket. he can feel how warm his hand is there, but and he doesn't know how warm the other's is instead. he relishes in it, though, the half of him that can feel, and the other that can't touch a thing. he wonders if he's defected because of that, even add had gotten excited at the prospect if komaeda could feel through his prosthetic because the state of it shouldn't allow that. it was then he was so close to asking about it because maybe it was a good thing if he could, but doing that would mean being closer to a person— knowing when they hold onto him, catching when they squeeze his hand.
a quick glance down at their hands, and he looks back up properly to see him before looking forward again. it's to the wisteria tree first, because he knows the lightening had done something. he wonders if it's filled with electricity so that they glow even brighter as they carry on. )
About the keys...?
no subject
But for this story... ]
It's one I heard back at the facility... It's not one with a moral, but it's not a bad story.
[ It's nothing with that dreamy yet grim storybook writing. If he were to assign a word to it, he supposes it might be inspirational. It's a little bit bit happy, it's a little bit tragic without being sad. ]
no subject
( something to think about and with no moral, there's no need to feel like they were wrong. it sounds like a story that he can make something out of nothing. what sort of character will he find in here? animal? human? dolls? there's so many considering the other came from the facility, and so he finds that it must be something in relation to just that. living in a facility does sound lonely, but it's a learning experience for ranger. there's so many books he can read. )
Tell me about it.
( as they pass the wisteria, he stares up at it for a moment, stopping. he squints, trying to see which one may be amami, and which one may be keigo; did they survive the shock, are they okay? he can remember so much about the tree, but petal placements are lost upon him, considering he wasn't able to see what it looked like after his desires, and then before the storm. )
...
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[ There should be nothing surprising about that. He doubts there's any need to explain what that role entailed. It was a mediator to take charge of all of her conflicting parts as much as to protect and satisfy the needs of those disgruntled toys of her. If not for him, there would be infighting and unreset. It's not quite a story about morals or roles, but one of a child's memory.
As Komaeda has been in a medical setting so often himself, he might recognize the different roles that professionals can play. There are those who study and treat, those who calculate and crunch data, and those who offer comfort and reassurance during difficult times and encouragement when they do well. An ally.
He stops when Komaeda does, glancing up to the tree. It's not difficult to imagine what he's thinking, and there's a slight frown as he considers. He notices each and every slight difference, but even so he can't give an assured answer here. His heart sinks, and he continues on, ]
He did his job well. He was the image of neutrality. He could consider and emphasize with all sides while encouraging others to do the same. He found compromise and solution to every problem, and so he was the most loved at all of them. But caring about anyone in return ran contrary to his nature.
[ He pauses there to let Komaeda process the context of their story first. It's not a long one, nor a particularly deep one, and so there's no need to try and rush through it now. ]
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keep them humble, making sure nothing they did would display disobedience. it makes sense to be loved, he was on everyone's side, and then not at all. he fixed the problems, so he was nice to have around. )
...
( komaeda keeps silent though, it's just a story, and is it meant to be something he should apply to his daily life?
he watches ranger, it's an expression that reads for him to continue because he can get an answer from this story unlike the unknown one from the wisteria tree. )
no subject
He was kinder than the others, so those people that were nothing more than playthings for the girl and experiments for the rest found it easy to reach out to him. He wasn't attached to them, but others kept growing attached to him. He was just a fragment of a person's soul, just a role that was being played, but because of that after about a year or so of being poked and prodded and loved by people, he fell in love with them in return.
[ And at that moment, he ceased to be a mediator. It was a broken role, a tangle in the cord that should have never occurred. Sympathy, care, love - those lead to hatred for those who bring harm. It wouldn't be wrong to say that he became a fully realized person. ]
So in the end, he decided to find a way to save them... The obvious way would be to kill the source of the problem, right? But a fragment can't defeat the source, so he was branded a traitor - a "bad dog" - killed, and eaten on screen instead. I asked why, 'cause it doesn't make sense if you already know what's gonna happen, and the person who told the story just said that it was something that needed to be done no matter what.
[ Why that is, Rio still isn't sure. Was it because it hid his true intentions? Was it because humans have to try, no matter how small the chance of success might be? Was it because a major shock like that would cause such anger that it would spur others to act? Or was it because more than any words or attempts to offer small comforts, such a sacrifice would be undeniable proof that those watching were loved?
The storyteller isn't here, and so the answer is lost. ]
Either way, he must have known what would happen, and put effort into preparing for it. He left a message hidden behind, nothing more than a simple letter holding his feelings in it, and promising them he left behind something that would help them in his absence.
[ He pauses again there to let his partner process what's been said so far. Had he not left that behind, how might the story have changed? How much would it hurt to be responsible for the death of the one and only ally in a foreign world that seeks to break down its captives at every turn? ]
no subject
because he was dead... that means the mediator was free, right?
there's something left behind for the rest, and komaeda closes his eyes as they come closer to the school. he hears the crunch of the ground before him, and once he feels pavement under his feet, he looks properly, pushing the door open so that they can finally get inside. )
They're all pieces of the first person you spoke about... each of them a part of her, just in the image of others?
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[ Not even static memories, but the simplest interpretation of them. It's probably disingenuous to call those she kept hostage playthings. The girl was a child, so she probably thought of them as people who would fill the gaps in her life - friends and family and companions - telling them that they would have a happy life together.
But no one was happy, and no one would want to be friends with a selfish and harmful person. How infuriating must it have been to see them love a fraction of her life that she didn't? Something that was a toxin which she'd expelled? ]
... There's a little bit more if you want to hear it.
[ Just enough to carry them the rest of the way, he thinks, now that they're this far. ]
no subject
( it comes down to that once more, listening to a story that he hasn't heard which has no actual meaning, and so why is rio telling him it?
in a way, aren't the fragments just herself, and feelings that she casted away, and learned to make something of their own? isn't it unfair to be upset when they rally against, because if she had placed herself back together then there would be no problem. one loses control of themselves when they break down, and you learn their true colors piece by piece. he'll figure out the moral once they're towards the end.
he nods for the rest of the story, turning to look at rio.
it helps get his mind off everything else. )
no subject
[ He created a unique entity, and yet he did not. She was a broken off piece of a fragment, the parts of himself that he wanted to give away to others most. It was a brilliant plan, too, because she couldn't be tracked nor used, but nor could she betray as he had. It was a gift, and it was love, and it was a bright candle that would burn for just the smallest amount of time. ]
In the end, his plan succeeded. His android carried out his will flawlessly. The girl died in the end, and everything important to him was saved. They all returned to where they were taken from. The tower was empty after that, and without the girl to support it, it collapsed on itself.
[ It's a nice story, he thinks, one that he can see the appeal of. Technology is a wonderful thing. Humans grow old and die, they have accidents, they foolishly sacrifice themselves, but they can leave behind bits and pieces of themselves to carry on for them. It's like a will, it's a power, and it's a means of finding happiness.
What of the android after all those wishes and feelings were realized? She was left behind, and in the end she was all alone.
It's a happy story. ]
no subject
...
komaeda doesn't say anything as they take the right path to the library, and as they enter, ranger was right— it's just them. no one else. he finds a table to sit at, he sits on the opposite side of where the other is, and he crosses his arms, and lays his head into his arms. no different from a student who wants to fall asleep in class without a book in front to hide them from view.
for a child, innocently, they would love that story, because it sounds like such a nice outcome for those who have been tortured, and if they don't think of the robot as a person; it gets even easier. they're creative minds could think the android shut down afterwards, or that it went back home because it carried the will of the fragment who died, and so on, and so forth.
his feet scoot along the floor beneath him, not too much of a loud sound, but it's something to keep him busy.
everyone went home, but they were all part of that girl— scattered pieces, a test subject that lost control, but it's hard to take sides in the matter.
there's too many questions he has for this story, like all other stories. )
no subject
It was one of five, and they all come together to form the whole. But this is the one that matters most.
He's quiet for awhile, letting that sink in. Rio doesn't ask for much in the way of conversation. But after some time has passed he slips out of his chair and takes a few light steps forward That need to fill the silence strikes him, but once more he finds himself uncertain of what it is that he can say without making things worse. His hands reaches out before the fingers curl and he withdraws it, because he knows his partner is uncomfortable with affectionate displays.
Anything he says, anything he does - Rio can only makes things worse, but silence and inaction seem equally unforgivable. ]
... I don't want you to die.
[ It's all that he can come up with, just a tiny contradiction of what others had said. ]
Because if you died... [ ... ] ... I don't know what I'd do.
[ He'd live, of course, because living isn't a choice for him. Happiness was never a necessity. Rio thinks it would be nice if he could dream. Perhaps he could just dream forever then, live in a world that he chose... It's a ridiculous thought, and he dismisses it quickly.
Rio watches for a little longer, searching for any reaction while thinking that receiving no response is a best case scenario. That's fine if so. He odesn't need one, since they're merely his feelings.
He's a little tired. ]
no subject
Am I... the beautiful maiden that makes everyone's lives terrible?
( he lifts his head at the question, now he's playing god, decided what role belongs where. as soon as the harbinger of destruction is gone, that's when everyone can go home, and when the android is left alone with the will of someone else. if a shame that komaeda can't cry, he's lost the will to, so there's no burning at the bridge of his nose, and his eyes aren't stinging as he looks at rio.
where is he in this story that the other worries that komaeda will die, because it's for the best if that's the case. everyone else thought so, but rio's words are contradictory to theirs, and his gaze remains frozen on the table, cool... he feels cold. his feelings aren't like ice, nor are his words, their edges are softer, and if anyone can pick them up would be rio. he can tell that komaeda's trying to figure out where everything is placed, where it all connects together, and so it won't hurt to answer.
there's no serrated edges, there's no trick. )
Despair in small ounces isn't terrible, having a little means that the hope that fights back will be stronger!
( he forces a hand to push back the strands of hair behind his own ear, finally he can lift his head to offer his attention to the other. )
But that wasn't supposed to happen, no one was meant to be hurt... it was to be cause for a celebration.
( without the streamers and confetti, without the popping of balloons and cake, there was no actual party; but one where they could all see eye to eye; thank him for his efforts. the union of everyone that could find happiness in knowing that once they come back, they'd be happy for him doing what no one else would. there's strength in being able to take the step that frightens people, some have learned to fear death, but it was embraced; used for good. and yet...
yet...
... )
no subject
You are Nagito Komaeda, a human, so you have to play all five roles at once.
[ The beautiful maiden who is in reality a tormented child ripping off butterfly wings, the beloved friend with no flaws, the cold and calculating scientist, the emotionless administrator, and of course, the mediator who is loved only when they're on the right side - the lightning rod for everything and anything. Ranger can't understand, because he was a dream catcher who took in all those negative emotions and hatred and let sweet dreams slip through.
But he can see it, the hurt and confusion there, the desire to slot everything in. The laughing doll, the crying doll, the dressup doll, the receptionist doll, and the doll who wasn't gifted name nor title. Komaeda is none of those, the participants and and students can't be those things, because none can divide themselves and erase the parts they dislike. Rio takes all of that in, and his heart aches so painfully that he's sure it'll break. He'll malfunction, need repair, and wouldn't that be so funny.
He draws in a breath that artificial lungs don't need instead. ]
... Did you know? You only need two people to form a complete world. The same goes for the truth. You just need two people. There's those that will reject it, and you're right, people get hurt - especially when they shouldn't... Over and over...
[ How many times has he seen it? How many times had he watched it? The words aren't his, but he repeats them. There's a kind of truth to those too - a self fulfilling prophecy, because so long as one other person believes it, then this too can be true. Two people can form an isolated world free of all intervention. One can only create a lonely world, split apart, use pieces of themselves as consolation while praying for something more.
Rio inches closer to Komaeda, keeping his eyes on him. ]
But it's fine, don't you think? Because they can join anytime... They can share in that truth anytime...
[ It's a mistake. He knows it is. But Rio closes that gap, wrapping his arms around Komaeda and burying his face in his hair. He closes his eyes for just a few seconds and tries to imagine the world as he might. He tries to think of a world where people support one another, trust one another, some world made up of good and just things. What love might feel like. Is that what he thinks is? It might not be, but maybe it's close enough. ]
... It's there waiting for them always, right?
[ It's a world that can grow bigger, become something ever more amazing. But that's not reality. But maybe one would. Maybe slowly it the world could correct itself. ASUNARO, too, wishes for a world in which their own cruelty and tactics aren't necessary. But there's no one other then Rio Ranger who can understand and so his world remains ever incomplete.
Rio squeezes gently before he opens his eyes. What makes a world between two people? What's the glue that holds it together? He knows what it is, but his mouth feels like cotton when he tries to say it.
They can invite others. It'll be bigger and better, a happier world. There are those who understand too, he'd seen it, so it's not that empty, it's not limited to them, and yet... ]
... I don't want a world without you in it.
[ There's just the faintest hint of pain to those words, because in the end he doesn't get a choice. He'll choose to live always, always, because the ideal human never breaks and always carries on no matter how painful it is. Just a few seconds more, just an eternity more, and then he let's go and there's a somewhat apologetic look - the look that a puppy gets after chewing on one's shoe, because he knows it was wrong and had done it anyway.
But even so he... ]
no subject
[ As soon as she knew Sara was okay, she followed them. But she hung back, trying not to listen in when she could see they were having a private conversation. She'd been thinking of just leaving quietly and then checking in on the both of them later.
But she can't hold herself back at that. It just slips out. After a few seconds' hesitation, she crosses the library and sits on Komaeda's other side. Carefully places a hand on his back so he knows she's there.
What does she even say to him? To somebody who will always believe he deserves the worst. She always wants to find the right route to help somebody, the right dialogue tree, but what if there is no right one? What if there's no way to convince somebody they deserve love?
But he's her friend, and she refuses to not at least try. She lost him once; she will lose him again someday, or vice versa; but in the meantime... ]
I c-care about you. I will always care about you. There isn't anything that's ever going to change that.
no subject
add is the same person who can break themselves into fragments, who can destroy themselves, set themselves free, and everything else ranger has spoken about. someone should tell add the same set of words too, something that'll keep him thinking than listening to his own thoughts. komaeda's own thoughts were just as bleak at the start.
add's better than him anyway, he doesn't need a cute little story that's wrapped in a white bow for him to unwrap, and understand the meaning behind it. for being an ai that can make make a complete copy of anything, ranger's words stand out to him like a river of lights, an aerial torrent, like fireflies glowing. there's never a moment where the stream of water is never glowing, so he acknowledges every word in this darkness he finds himself in.
there's another hand on him as he's in someone's embrace, a voice that he knows well, but this person in their own light which comes quicker than he can mention. he would have prepared himself for what comes next had he the chance, but there's no time as it all comes down to who they care about, how they want to do it. )
Ahaha... saying things like that makes it difficult.
( he gets up now, managing to break free from their soothing gestures as he looks at one and then the other. )
I really don't deserve it as the party that wasn't injured.
( physically he wasn't, but mentally it gnaws at him. he pushes his chair up, walking to the other side of the table— they're both aware that too much affectionate gestures frightens him even though he's in a library. it's his insecurities now, just another layer behind his luck. )
I am sorry, Nanami-san... making you come out this far. I didn't mean to ruin the meeting for you both.
no subject
Ranger thinks that he'll have Midori do a fuller check. It frightens him to think of some error in his system, some change that's dulling his senses, because for a doll who can focus on everything there is no being too distracted. But errors occur. He ensures they don't happen again.
The card was lifted to his face the second he caught sight of her. He should be happy, but what bubbles up is something else. It's insulting to have a person who did nothing but follow and intrude when it was convenient to pretend at care. No, not even that - you cared? You tried? What does any of that matter? There's trying, and there's doing, and no one had done anything that entire meeting.
There's not even the faintest trait of any of these thoughts present in his expression. Komaeda might be able to detect the lingering hint of concern, but nothing more, and to anyone else his expression is as unreadable as always. His partner steps to the other side in the table, and Ranger in turn takes several steps away from Nanami. He lets both have their space, albeit for opposite reasons, but that's nothing out of the ordinary - he doesn't like for people to be close either. ]
That doesn't matter.
[ Whether or not he was injured. Really , the entire point was to keep it that way. ]
That meeting ruined itself... Besides, I wasn't wanted there anyway, ahaha....
no subject
But she's not gonna just sit here and listen to her friends say those things about themselves. She can't help but care about her friends, more than she can bear, both the ones in the library with her and the ones she left behind in the meeting. And when two of them leave the meeting, and nobody bothers to follow after them or even wonder if they're doing okay...
How can she look aside, after everything? How can she let herself be the cause of a group breaking up again, through her inaction? How can she let anybody, especially Komaeda who she knows does this so often (including back at home), feel unloved, when the opposite is the case?
To Komaeda, she looks first. ] You weren't uninjured. [ Quiet, but firm. ] I heard what he said to you. How would you feel if he had said those things to me?
[ And then she turns to Ranger, and her face softens - there's a flicker of unease, because she may still be working out social interactions in a lot of ways, but she can tell that her arrival troubled him the most. She'll say her piece and then get out, she resolves. Leave them be. ] You had as much right as any of us to be there. But...
[ She hesitates and looks up to the ceiling, then shakes her head. ] Mm... I don't know how to fix it, but this keeps happening at meetings... we all need to be better, I guess.
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( komaeda has no rebuttal for anyone else because he hadn't been paying attention like he should have when it came to ranger's needs. he failed in that regard too by not keeping his eyes peeled, his ears open to what was being said— for not jumping one place to another, and instead he did the opposite of that: stayed in one place. that's pretty rare for komaeda who moves constantly, as long as he's on the move, his thoughts can hardly catch up, along with his problems, and that's an advantage that keeps him safe.
ranger can say anything he desires at this moment, that komaeda hadn't seen, that he hadn't heard what was spoken between him and the participants. he sits down on the other side of the table now as his eyes move to nanami next, mulling over her words because it's no secret what komaeda would have done if the same was said to her. how would he feel? he'd feel as he should— insulted for their sake, he would speak up, make sure a person knows where they stand when it comes to an ultimate. it's all he's ever had since growing up, that lone star in the night sky he's reached up to; an unhealth obsession, but it's those feelings he would have protected her with. )
Aren't you lucky, Nanami-san... because those honest words weren't said to you. It's a great thing, don't you think? As long as he isn't lying anymore... it's easier to accept. Being lied to for the sake of being happy, I'm tired.
( with a cant of his head, he finds that he can't be mad at honest words, because if add had felt that way the entire time then their relationship was based on lies. no, it probably resided in the darkness of add's heart, and he was afraid to say it aloud, and that would make so much sense. the heavy rock that weighs down a person's heart, making them unable to cough it up, and speak what's truly grazing the inside of their body. there's always this feeling that hides behind the skin, that screams, wails and thrashes to get out— it doesn't care how much bloodshed there happens to be, by it's owner or others.
it was meant to be komaeda, but sara... she's such an idiot, and komaeda groans as he leans back in his chair. it's an unappealing sight he thinks, so he sits up as the soles of his shoes brushes against the wooden floor beneath him. )
...There's nothing wrong with any of you.
( it's like how ranger said, when people can open their eyes to the truth, when they finally see what they don't want to. everything falls into place. his fingers brush against the table, his nails scratching, breaking at least one nail and not the others. the keratin bends, it feels uncomfortable, but he toughs it out with a shake of his head. )
It should be obvious... where the problem lies.
( he's sure people are thinking it, every meeting that something goes wrong because of him. and now the lives that were on the line, and then having to look shin in the face too for harming his friend. it's almost like komaeda doesn't have a chance at anything like that: friendship, because he blocks the road with thousand and thousands of rocks, and he can't push the rubble to the side. with his elbow against the table, the male stares at his wrist for a moment, it's a sensitive area... weak, frail. )
The next meeting... no matter who passes, just... count me out. If there's truly hope without me then... then...
( fine. he gets it, he gets it, he gets it... but he could never say it aloud, so instead he bites his tongue. he follows nanami's gaze up to the ceiling, wondering if the answers he should give her are up there, before dropping his head to look towards her with a chuckle. )
I won't let Amami-kun's sacrifice or their actions ( he looks to ranger, a small smile on his face ) be in vain, I won't make the same mistake twice.
( after acknowledging them both. )
...I'm sorry.
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He logically understands that her presence is a good thing. It's better for someone other than Ranger to be here. He's lacks the proper empathy and weight, he lacks the values that allow one to be called a good person. it's enough for him to repress the initial reaction, and instead he allows the two of them to speak. His head dips in acknowledgment when Komaeda says that he wanted him. It's enough, and so he doesn't mind if several others didn't. ]
... I'm glad somebody did.
[ It could be sarcastic, but it's not. He means it. Komaeda isn't the problem. It's others. It's the way they stop thinking, it's the way they're walking corpses, it's everything. But it's not until Komaeda looks to him that his throat tightens, and he parts his mouth behind the ice cream cone card before shutting it. "Their actions," he says... But what his thoughts loop back around to is, ]
... "We all."
[ He repeats those words two words flatly, without a trace of emotion. It changes quickly. He lets his fingertips brush along the surface of the table, flatting h hand against it before slapping it down on the back of a hair. ]
Yeah. You all do. Is it fun running around and playing games? Closing your eyes and ears so you don't see what's happening, playing games so you can make excuses and blame everyone else? Do you sleep betting saying that you tried despite not doing anything but standing there and watching your plans twisted, your intentions corrupt, and suffering loss after loss? ... Or how about wanting to throw a punch at someone without getting one back? Watching people rip into each other while doing nothing?
[ His voice is measured, even, and caustic enough to eat through metal. His grip on the chair tightens, and toward the end there's a crunching sound as it starts to splinter within it. His eyes flick to it, then his hand drops down to his side, fingers curling and uncurling. ]
It's an easy fix. Stop standing around and doing nothing but watch and hope somebody else fixes your damn problems.
[ He waves hand in front of his face now, just a quick twist of the wrist as he closes his eyes and tilts his head to the side. His help and input are both equally unwanted though, and he supposes that's fair when not a soul had asked for it. ]
Ahh, don't worry... I heard all about how I did nothing, and how cruel I am. Better try harder next time, 'cause the way the group is now, it's not gonna stop the next one either.
[ Prevention is the best cure, and offense is always better than playing defense. But no matter what, this group only plays defense. It's not just with the murders - it's everything and anything. The phone call. Rokuro. The disappearances and deaths and the entire fucked up system.
If they succeed, the he can imagine that it'll validate Komaeda, and he's not quite ready to entertain the consequences of that. But if they fail, if they drag it out and deflect and distract and destroy each other as they did here once more, then Ranger will... ]
I'll look forward to seeing it.
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Though, her understanding of the situation is still... complicated, and new wrinkles got added even today in the meeting. She frowned. ]
If we had known everything, though... how much would we have changed?
[ She twiddles her fingers, thinking about... the clues... how long it took for them to figure out the notes were forged, and how even then they hadn't been able to ascertain who had done it, at least not until after the final deed was done - but what if Amami had been found out, and his plan had failed? What would have happened to them? ]
No, we need to be treating each other better, even if bad things happen. And I...
[ She swallows. ] You're right. There's times when I could have made things better. The only thing I can do is try harder next time, right? Even if something horrible happens... we have to take care of each other. We're all stuck in the afterlife together, anyway.
[ She looks to one, and then the other. Then she stands, because... she probably shouldn't linger here. Let them have the comfort of each other, because there's only so much she can do. ]
I'm sorry that I can't offer more. But I'll do everything I can to make things right. I'll talk with Add and Sara too... because I know we all care about each other. And we can help each other through this strange experience together, too.
[ She looks back to Komaeda and her gaze softens. ] The greatest hope, I think, is when it's every single one of us. If it's not yours... that's okay, but it's mine. I'll never leave you behind again.
[ Hesitates. ] But... I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to come to the next meeting... they're too much to handle sometimes.
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