yogen | npc contact.2

What? No, I...

[ Even if his tone is playful, npckun's expression crumples a little, because the very very last thing they ever want to do is make somebody upset, least of all somebody important to them. Worrying about being in the wrong, not being enough, those are the sorts of insecurities that eat away at a person, and they bite at their bottom lip a little, trying to think hard on what they can do to salvage this.

Maybe they can give him a rock... Bribe Subaru's happiness back with a rock. It could work.

... ]

[subaru waits for a comeback, just like he'd teased them back on the rooftop, but when it doesn't come and the slightly upset expression stays as is he hums softly and plays with their hand, then lets that go for a second to cup keigo's face and pull at their cheeks. like mochi.]

Kei~go. [...] Was that too far? You know I'm just playing around, don't you? I promise, I'm not upset or anything like that.

[because subaru doesn't like hurting people who're important to him either; even when he throws hands (pos) with his friends in trickstar, it's never because he's being mean on purpose or dislikes them, it's because they can handle it and that's just how their relationship is. he'd never do that with hajime, for example.]

I'm actually really, super super happy that you wanted to see the stars again, even without me! No, especially! 'Cause you don't like the dark either, and I know how dark it get up there. You're really brave, Keigo~.

[ Their mochi cheeks...

That makes them look up at Subaru, though, pulled out of their thoughts and made to look at him and take his sincerity for what it is.

... ]

...I wouldn't have gone without you... but I heard footsteps going upstairs, and... you know...

[ Thought maybe it could be Subaru? He has a club; they aren't the only person he shows the stars to. Trying to be brave is what got them in trouble in the first place, so they don't feel as if they are, anymore. ]

[so it's more his fault than he thought, but-- keigo also said it wasn't, so it wasn't. he'll believe that.]

... You thought it was me up there and wanted to meet up, huh? Yeah, you're really brave.

[genuinely. he pinches their cheeks again, rubbing them... this is fun. he might just start doing this out of the blue from now on.]

I would've been soooo surprised to hear you come out, you know! But I bet you were pretty scared coming up on what you did. I know I would've been.

[it sounds like a white lie, but it's true; subaru wouldn't have been any better off, but if he'd had someone to protect -- the way amami did -- it'd be different. but he can't say he wouldn't have been scared.

he's watching the keigo carefully, though, taking note of any discomfort. because he won't push or pry for specifics, but... he's been told well enough that it's important to feel, and he knows keigo was pushing it back down before.]

Yeah...

[ It was scary. The shock of seeing somebody they didn't expect to see, doing something they didn't expect to see, and then when they were noticed...

Subaru can feel the frown in between his palms, can see the way they look down, both trying to remember and also not wanting to. They thought... bad things. Was so sure of it, in the suffocating darkness.

Slowly, they raise their hands to place over Subaru's. Not to remove his hands from their face, but just sort of to hold in place. ]

...You and Tarou-nii and Helena and everybody are always trying to show me fun things to do at night. But I... [ ... ] ...I don't want to be scared.

... So let's not be scared together.

[since he doesn't like it, either. being scared, being in the dark.]

We'll take it a step at a time, and I'll be with you all the way. Me, Ama-chan, Lena -- whoever you wanna include, we'll all help you overcome it. And in return, you've gotta do your best. It's fine if you fall, if you tumble and don't want to do it anymore, but you've gotta promise me to do your best until you can't anymore.

[it's really the first time subaru's imposed a "return" for his offer, a genuine exchange and not something simply given. but it's important this time, because he wants them to do their best to stick through with it 'til the end.]

[ It's not really something Subaru can promise on the behalf of other people, though they know the others would probably agree with what he's saying, because they're kind people who care about them for whatever reason. In return... They always always always do their best, is what they thought of themselves. But there's no "best" in standing still and not being able to do anything.

...

...

... ]

Exposure therapy is supposed to be fast, right...?

[ The concept is terrifying but ??? speedrun to not being scared, maybe it'll be worth it ]

Yup! And I've got plenty of experience with it, too~☆ I helped my best friend Ukki~ get over his fear of balls by hitting runs at him until he got used to them!

[used to dodging them. the twins were better help with their ground balls, but he needs to inspire confidence.]

You wanna go to the janitor's closet? We can use a flashlight or my matches for a quick relief if things get suffocating.

[... if only he brought his quartz...]

[ RIP Ukki, they don't even know him and they cringe a little on his behalf ]

I don't know... If you're there with me, I'll feel safe. But exposure therapy is supposed to make you scream and cry and be terrified out of your mind. That's how it works.

[ or something ]

Well, he did yell a lot, but it wasn't that bad...

[he didn't cry or anything... maybe didn't have ball-related nightmares...]

I've decided I like seeing you scared the least out of all your faces I've seen though, so our exposure stuff's not gonna be like that. Sorta sounds like that'll have the opposite effect of what we want...

[hmmmmmm oh]

I got it! Keigo, you wanna know the best thing you can do when you're in a dark place for this?

[ The best thing to do in a dark place you're scared of is to squeeze your eyes shut and clamp your hands over your ears and wait until it's light again, but somehow they doubt this is what Subaru is getting at. ]

What is it?

[well--]

You close your eyes and then you know it's dark for a good reason!

[so like, half, don't be disappointed]

It'll help your eyes adjust too, like when I took you to see the stars. [...] For me, the scary part is not being able to see anything or anyone when I open my eyes. If I have my eyes closed, then I know I'm not supposed to be able to see anything. That helps it, in a way.

[it makes him feel less alone, if he chooses to know he can't see anything versus being forced to recognize that he can't. it's why blindfolds make him nervous, why he hates that natsume's taking sight away from himself.]

It might be different if why you don't like it is different, though, so we'll try things until you're good with one.

[ It's a reason, but they have to wonder if it's a good enough one to convince themselves. Truthfully, they never really thought about why they don't like the dark... it's just always made them nervous, compared to the sheer comfort they feel when there's a dim nightlight in the room. Something about needing to see... something that reminds them of something else...

...

... ]

If we both have our eyes closed, we're going to run into the walls and trip on the stairs.

So we'll take turns being the oni.

[like kagome, kagome.]

One of us'll have our eyes closed, and the other will lead the way - literally or, uh... conversationally! That way, we'll be so distracted thinking of questions and answers we won't be able to feel nervous about the darkness! We can go longer times without talking, or touching each other, and maybe...

[...]

Maybe that'll help both of us. When we're alone and we don't have anyone around, we'll be too busy thinking of things we wanna ask or talk to each other about, and we won't even notice what's not around us. Eyes opened, eyes closed, it won't matter.

[ It'd be nice, they think, as they let their eyes slide closed for a moment and tries to imagine it. Subaru leading them through the darkness isn't very difficult; he's done that already, patiently leading as they occasionally adjust their grip on his hand to make sure he's still there, letting them take their time feeling the floor under their feet and taking the corners and the stairs slow, talking to them all the while.

The other way around... they can't help but remember back to the other night. It was slow going then too, but because their feet felt like lead and the ground felt like quicksand. Deathgrip in both hands, fists clenched so tight they couldn't feel anything. They weren't alone, then, not really, but if it were Subaru with them instead... they would have felt a lot better.

... ]

We wouldn't even need to talk. Just being with you would be enough.

[ Like the dim nightlight in the corner of their room back home, they don't need something bright and shining to dispel the darkness. Just a warm glow to make it bearable, and Subaru gives them just that. ]

[the same way they wouldn't want to look at the sky the whole time if they were with subaru, how they don't know what they'd want to do but just hanging out together, being close and there, would be enough. he closes his eyes too, resting his head against theirs with a giddy smile.

... subaru likes it when there's noise, on the other hand, it's what he chatters and sings and so much more -- he has to be doing something for his ears and mind to latch onto versus wandering as it does, even if it's just the occasional squeak of sneakers on polished dance floor of the practice room, of the gym.

well. differences are what make people unique.]

'Kay~. You're a pretty simple person, huh? I gotta warn you though, [not that it's a surprise,] I'm probably gonna end up talking or singing anyway. I can't even be quiet with my best friends!

[so it's not because keigo's silence in particular makes him nervous or anything, or that he dislikes it, he simply has too much... everything to contain it for very long before it needs to vent out somehow. the rhythmic tapping of his fingers against a desk, snatches of songs new and old sung beneath his breath, always a ward against the way darkness mutes the world and squeezes his heart so hard it could burst.]

[ Simple... They can't find fault in that, though, because they are. It's the little things that make them happy— a touch here, a smile there, they don't need words to tell them they're being thought of, and that's all they really need.

... ]

What's the longest you've been quiet for?

[ Less then 24 hours. ]

[... hmmmm.]

Eight hours, I guess? Maybe nine? But only 'cause I was sleeping. Not counting that...

[... ... ...]

An hour, maybe?

[he talks between times he can't. he is not a quiet person whatsoever. not in the least. if you need complete silence for anything, around subaru akehoshi is not it.]

[ ...

It makes them smile, just a little bit, because it doesn't surprise them at all that Subaru is like that. That hour is probably class time when he's not allowed to talk, they think, and even then it must be tough. ]

Mm... It'd be nice if I were that sort of person too. I'd be able to lead you better, and I wouldn't have to rely on everybody around me.

I love you the way you are though, Keigo! You talk enough for me, and I still rely on plenty of people around me! Being talkative just means I get on everyone's nerves twice as fast~.

[but there's no shame or guilt in that]

Besides, [with a squeeze of their cheeks,] it just means you and me fit pretty well together. Don'tcha think? ♪

[someone who likes talking, someone can stand silence... subaru could probably try for half an hour more of quiet time if he had something to focus his hands or mind, like a certain shopkeeper]

[ Their soft mochi cheeks... Hard not to smile when he does that, and tells them he loves them, and that they're good enough how they are. It's warm.

... ]

Yeah. I think we're good together too.

[after the days of no smiles, of disinterest and disassociating when the world darkens, seeing keigo now makes it feel so special. a real star in the pitch of night, sparkling and shining, a glittering memory subaru'll hold close like all the others. it's a relief, a joy, and his ears warm as much as his heart squeezes in delight.]

Wanna know something cool that just happened, Keigo?

Hm? What happened?

[ Honestly, their first thought is the tin can-dle that they throw a glance at to see if something changed with it, before looking back at Subaru. ]

[nothing has changed, except they definitely need to put something better under it because that tin can-dle is really gonna be its name with how the wax is no doubt gonna pool and seal the bottom to the paper.]

My wish came true.

Can you say what it is? Since it came true.

[ Like how you're not supposed to say birthday wishes out loud or else they won't come true, but after the fact it's fair game. ]

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