yogen | npc contact.2

Yeah, we were... what was it like at that moment for you? ...Was it terrifying?

( they were students who didn't believe anything, but also students who believed the art club was cursed for using blood as paint.

maybe rokkun didn't want to be pointed out, or maybe it would have been best if komaeda didn't bother him. it's just little things he wants to hear since they're talking. )

...Yeah, it was terrifying. But not in a bad way— I was still happy to see you.

[ It's like visiting grandma at the old people home and wondering whether she'll know who you are today. She won't, but you're happy to see she's still alive and kicking, somehow. ]

You were still very much you, and that familiarity was comforting.

I don't change much, do I?

( he's still the same, a broken person with broken habits, a person afraid of the life he lives, and on and on he's cursed to live with unfortunate luck. that's what keeps komaeda like this, but if that sort of thing is familiar... to the point of being comforting, the other must have dealt with it. )

You said... I found you first, what was that like?

( yes, rokkun, time to fill in the holes of pre yogen. )

You really don't...

[ The first time they met, though...

... ]

It's kind of embarrassing. I don't want to say it.

( his fingers play at rokkun's bangs, brushing them to the side so he can see his forehead. nails lightly trail against the skin until his fingers shift back further, running through his hair properly. )

I doubt it's embarrassing, was it something I did?

( he's interested, wait, talking is hard for him isn't it? komaeda will pull out his pda, opening it so that he can pull up a text area for rokkun to use. )

Typing it is fine, too!

Not that sort of embarrassing.

[ Not like how Komaeda is being embarrassing, how Rokkun both shivers and flushes at the light touch on his face.

He puts his hand on the pda, but only to lower it. ]

Do you remember I told you that you saved me? And that when I first got here, I was... [ ... ] Basically I couldn't see the point of anything, anymore, since I had failed and died and left behind everything that mattered. Then I met you, and you opened my eyes, and I realized I couldn't give up.

[ You ever meet a guy and he says some shit and you're just "oh I've got to get out of here no matter what it takes" that's how it went ]

...Rokkun?

( his name slowly leaves from komaeda's lips when he lowers the pda. color him surprised as he places it next to his legs on the ground, he wouldn't have minded if rokkun explain through that means, but hearing how he gave up, at one point felt hopeless enough to the point that his only option had to be... )

Ahaha... It's like I gave you a purpose.

( komaeda doesn't recall anything like that, and this could all be made up for the sake of his imagination, it could... yet, he runs his fingers through the male's hair slowly. with a sigh, he wishes he had something he could lean against, and instead )

I hope the me then loved your hope as much as the me now does... ( he chuckles, sheepish as he continues: ) ...I'm glad that we were able to see each other this year, Rokkun. ( he hums softly, thinking on his words, how rokkun always remembers and in turn, komaeda can't even piece together the past because of his faulty memory. ) If there were memory totems, I believe... I'd take one just so I could remember what I've done with you.

( small smile. )

[ It's kind of hard to admit that the him of back then had little to no hope at all, when Komaeda always talks about how that's the one thing that he loved about him. It's true, though, that Komaeda is the one who made that spark happen, and the hope that grew from that told Rokkun that the thing to do is to literally forget the fact that he is dead, and get on with living instead.

And now here he is. Here they are. ]

Me too. I'm glad I have you in my final year.

[ They weren't all good memories. You can't really expect that in a place like this anyways, but it makes the good ones stand out. ]

But it's okay if you don't remember. You don't have to subject yourself to that sort of thing to remember... For me, holding onto the memories we're making this year is more than enough.

Our final year.

( he corrects instantly, which it's true, this is rokkun's last year here, and they'll come a time where he completes his goal, does what's needed, and carry on to that dream of his. well, if it's still the same, as for komaeda, he's already made his plans, his... escape, or however someone would color it. if he wills it, he can make it happen, just like last time. it's always been like that despite how he's been cushioned by his luck — it'll be their last year, that's what komaeda thinks.

...he doesn't expand on that though. )

You used to get upset with me for not remembering, say things like... "Why am I the only one?" And have this really sad look on your face because of it... ( he thinks about it, hums thoughtfully, and his hand shifts to rokkun's cheek to lightly brush his thumb against the skin. ) I wouldn't have remembered, but you'll keep them safe for us like you always have...

( another slow stroke of his finger, thoughtful, almost like he doesn't want the other to shatter from his touch. was going to sing him a song, learned it came out in 2018, didn't feel like calculating dr time years, so something better: )

What else have you been hiding from me that you're embarrassed about?

[ Embarrassing... Something about logs, maybe. Something about a song, a dance, if he knew what Komaeda swerved away from. ]

I was just frustrated about having to start all over again, all the time. And not just with you.

[ With lots of people, classmates who look at him funny when he calls them by their first name on the first day of school, kohai who are always delighted when he correctly "guesses" their favorite drinks from the vending machines when he treats them, having to cobble together bits and pieces to create three full years of high school because he keeps dying and having to start over. Thinking back on it now, he feels like he was more sulky than sad. Which in itself is embarrassing. ]

Talking about this stuff is embarrassing, I guess. We never used to. You didn't care.

Do you hate remembering?

( that's what it comes down to, the fact that he remembers every reset, that he comes back with full knowledge of what he should do, and what he shouldn't do. it must hurt having that much power he can't control, and what... he hurts himself by it? komaeda listens, and if he parts his mouth and says his thoughts, that's just rokkun's chance to grow stronger every time — there's an advantage, but he takes a huge hit every time. )

Did we not, or were you against telling me anything... you have a habit of not saying what's on your mind. ( he plays with a few pieces of his hair before laughing softly.

"you didn't care."

what does that make komaeda, now, then? he's silent, lips pursed into a straight line as he glances off to the side. )

It was different years ago, and this is our final year... I won't see you anymore, is it so wrong to ask when time is limited?

[ He hates some parts of remembering. He hates other people not remembering. He hates the memories coming back in daydreams and nightmares. He hates that there's so much to remember because he could never find a way out, every year just another mark of his failing. He hates how easy it is and how much easier it becomes with each passing year to look back at his failures and want to give up and stop fooling himself with something that'll never happen. Just him going down the checklist of everything he can think of, and at the very very bottom is asking for help.

He sighs, leaning forward slightly, into the touch, and then backs off completely. ]

It's not wrong. I know I've been unfair— never told you anything, never talked about myself, never expected you to return any of my affections because ...it doesn't matter. [ you wouldn't remember ] There's always next year. And now there's not. But I want to be able to prove myself, just the once.

If things were different, I do wish I hadn't ruined your life.

( even now it feels like there's something between them, but that's the wall the other has built for himself — he has too much pride, but komaeda has that too. he does everything alone, wouldn't want to involve anyone into anything that he does — affections or not. he walks a pretty lonely path, and it feels like his father was right, rokkun doesn't really need komaeda because it's a path he'll walk on his own. why does it make him sad, just a little to hear those words echo in his head and guess that he was right. )

Stephanie said it a lot, that you treat me horribly, and if you cared... you wouldn't be this way. Whatever narration you play for yourself against me, I don't mind... it's just that... next year is gone from us, you're leaving, and I won't be here either.

( he thinks on his words, he already knows he'll forget again, and if he's lucky he won't forget, he'll just properly be dead. living like this, suffering because he's unable to love truly and completely, to know how much he's not wanted in the world, and then to have a talent like this make every next day terrifying; it'd be better that way. ) I want you to believe in me more... if you don't trust anyone else... can't you do so for me, and talk to me... I like talking to you too, I've always wanted to see you prove yourself... but that doesn't mean you have to keep secrets...

( maybe he's saying too much, maybe he shouldn't care, but he laughs it off after, and he smiles softly... that's an expression his face is used to. he'll shift a bit, wrapping his arms around rokkun's neck like he wants to keep him in place, and he leans down to rest his head on top of his own. ) Tell me everything about yourself, about us, how you want to prove yourself... I want to be a good fiancé, after all. Making sure you aren't alone, is the start...

( because komaeda's been alone, he knows what it's like to be lonely... they can be lonelytogether.mp3 )

You haven't ruined my life.

[ He's quick to assert that, even if the rest of it has him going silent, because... yeah. Yeah, he knows. The way he treats Komaeda is no good, close enough to hold hands but pushing away just the same, like he can't decide what he has to be and maybe that's it. Because he's always been alone, made to do everything himself, growing up confident and independent and proud up until it all came crashing down and he's still in pieces.

He closes his eyes, lets himself enjoy the moment, the embrace, for what it is, before he has to open his eyes and his mouth again and ruin things. ]

There's nothing more about me that you don't already know. [ Which feels like nothing besides family history he had to stumble across on his own instead of hearing it from Rokkun himself, but that's all there is- a history that defines how he is today. There's nothing else. He lived for somebody else, and even now. ]

And about us... [ ... ]

Even when you didn't know who I was, you would come to me. I have you as my anchor, and I always wanted to be by your side, even though I knew I likely wouldn't make it to the next semester or the next month, even though you kept having to watch me die...

[ Slowly, he lifts his head, not wanting Komaeda to let go but this is something he wants to say face to face, to look him in the eyes when he says it. ]

I love you, Nagito. And I'm sorry I ruined your life.

( he knows, he's heard him say it over and over that komaeda didn't ruin his life, that he made every decision, and rokkun's just someone who accumulates bad luck. even through all of that, seeing him angry, upset, even those days he worked off feelings when he wanted to give and have nothing in return — komaeda had always thought if he didn't pry, if he had done things differently, then maybe. it could be rooted into his way of thinking, maybe it is, that so much that happens around him is his fault, even if he isn't there, lady luck decides to play her hand.

komaeda would equally share the good and the bad with him, that tumultuous whirlwind of their luck must have drawn him in, even if at that moment it was just his good luck at work. if he kept finding him, then there had to be a reason, his will, that drive... his hope.

there were times komaeda would ask if any of rokkun's marks were because of both of them, or mostly him, and he remembers something he said, it echoes in his mind. "you were there for this one, and that one... the one here too... [...] ...physically, at least." so that constitutes to... that? that he watched him die, physically, but what he thought, and how he felt... almost sounds like a short-lived relationship, he's even said he didn't imagine he would live this long. did the komaeda then feel anything, if he didn't, then that was an improvement, and if he did... it's because he's not heartless. that human trait chains him down too, he feels happy, he feels sad, and... it always feels complicated.

yet, he can't stop himself from cupping the other's face, his thumbs brushing against his cheeks, and his heart aches, or maybe that sickly feeling in his stomach makes him nauseous. he's said it before, if he could have somebody's love then he could die happy. slowly, his fingers push back a bit of black hair, eyes staring right into rokkun's own like he's searching for something. his mouth parts, inhaling, it's hypocritical he believes to be like this... even when the other almost died, komaeda at that moment, didn't want him to go, asking for help... the last thing he'd do, he so used to doing things alone that...

for some reason, he breaks out the norm that he knows for him, only a small step because he doesn't fully cross it. he's nervous, his organic fingers twitch against rokkun's cheek, his prosthetic is completely still, sort of... one finger there twitches too. he's overthinking it, perhaps he's waiting for rokkun to say that he's joking, that he doesn't mean it: this love of theirs. though, he presses their forehead together, the faintest brush of their nose, and maybe he can feel the way komaeda's lips ghost over his own.

with his eyes closed, his voice barely above a whisper, he thinks it over and over — just between them, only for them. )

"Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation."

[ ...ah

Maybe they are just fuel to each other's fire, building each other up in the worst of ways— it's a thought he's had many a time, bad luck stacked upon bad luck but it's times like these that he can't see it as such. Because he is very good at dying. And Komaeda, despite all odds, is very good at living. That's why he's the anchor, and why Rokkun is able to come back— he always comes back, fragments of a soul drawn to what makes it feel whole again. ]

I'll save you.

[Quiet, dipping his head against the crook of Komaeda's neck, arms about his waist, pulling him close.

The plan was always to save everyone, and he never did consider having to say goodbye, in the same way he never considers what he would do afterwards, how he would live the rest of his life, what he's going to do when it feels like he's carved out his heart and left it behind. Graduation comes first. Then everything in that nebulous future of inevitable goodbyes. ]

You'll be with me for every sunrise and every sunset. You'll be the reason I wake up each morning, and the reason I'll be able to fall asleep at night.

( it's part of the reason why komaeda would find him again, even if he didn't know, he must have loved with his heart and soul, and hope has always been stronger and not solely placed on the physical plane. this is what he's always felt, it's why he's always loved hope, his hope. he's single minded, he notices no one, thinks of no one but what he finds would be right for them in general. that's why he tilts his neck, allowing the other to hide there, why he settles into his embrace.

it's almost like the other clings to his body as if he wanted it forever.

komaeda lifts one arm, wrapping it around rokkun's waist, following suit. )

I'm... afraid I'll hurt you, if I do...

( everything he's loved has always been taken from him, he's watched his life deteriorate right before him, or is that his fault from his lack of memories; his mind eating away the good, and only leaving the bad. telling him all he has is hope to help, that to save. for some reason, hearing pretty words like that leave from rokkun's mouth, it makes komaeda want to help that goal too, save that, too.

he wants to see him. komaeda shifts a bit, his attempt to remove rokkun where he rests his chin, and komaeda pulls away just a little. the sun beams down, and he feels that headache just as before, but he cups rokkun's chin to force the other to look at him. )

Keep your eyes on me...

( he pauses, his eyes appear empty as always, but being able to direct it makes it easier for him to talk, but when he thinks of the other saying "i love you", his face reddens a bit, dusted pink across his nose. does he? is he sure? he's needy, the words echo, and he doesn't want to give them up — he wants to hear rokkun's voice again, his own words repetitive, he's sure he can hear his heart beat in his ears... whether this is a good thing, or a bad thing. he's desperate in a way... even after all those times he called rokkun desperate himself. )

A- And tell me again...

[ A huff of breath hits Komaeda's neck, warm and then cold from the lack of it as Rokkun lifts his head, pulling back just far enough to press his forehead against Komaeda's, giving each other no other choice but to keep their eyes on each other. ]

You won't hurt me any more than I already do to myself, on my own. If it's all the same, I'd rather have you by my side, because that takes way more pain than you could ever hope to bring.

[ He'll get hurt, he'll die, and it'll be due to his own decisions— to get too close to a bear's den, to play with fire, to hide and to lie and to pretend and to laugh and to love and they are all his decisions, why he isn't scared of getting hurt, why he would have forgiven Komaeda if he wanted nothing to do with him— assumed this to be the case, for all the times the other boy has forgotten and looked at him with the eyes of a stranger, as if subconsciously snipping away at those ties that only hurt Komaeda himself. Why he feels so happy every time he's proven wrong, with every touch and every kiss and every request for affirmation that he would say again and again, hundreds of billions of times until it's etched in Komaeda's soul, a scar that will never heal. ]

You mean the world to me. I love you, and I want you.

( it goes though on ear, settles in his mind, and doesn't leave out the other — those words burn him, they dig into his own wounds, and his heart aches. he's dead, trapped in purgatory, and it almost seems fitting that this isn't something he'd have while he's alive — maybe he's lucky to have died when he did, maybe, but it still hurts. this is a problem of komaeda's, something he has to figure out, things like "why does he love me", even after everything.

they're close, he's warm, and komaeda's too caught up over his own fears and worries, that he can't stop himself from peeling himself off of the other, and standing up quickly — he feels lightheaded thanks to the sun, but he's never been good at sitting still. his eyes won't even look down at him, and he can't help that he looks away with one arm across his stomach, and fingers dug into the fabric of his jacket. )

Arata Rokuro-kun! Arata-kun! ...Rokkun! Please, please understand... I'm a disaster, I'm pathetic, I have no glory days, all I have...

( isn't much, but it seems komaeda's having one of those sporadic moments where it's hard for many people to keep up, but maybe rokkun's talented in that field. his mind goes from one thing to another, jumping subjects, doing backflips. )

You love me...? Me... There's no me... I'm trash to the world... and yet, I want it all to myself... but do I deserve that from you...? ( he paces in the sun, and his stomach feels tight, because he doesn't like accepting such good things, knowing how his luck works... he's worried, but that's why he takes his steps back not wanting to hurt him at all. it's unfair, komaeda can't wipe that warm sensation off his cheeks. hell, he can feel the phantom weight of the other in the crook of his neck, which komaeda lifts one hand to touch there. )

My self-righteous thoughts are what people hate about me, what keeps them away, are you sure you want me to have your love... if it belongs to me I...

( he can't promise he won't forget again and break his heart, he can't promise what he'll do... he doesn't properl understand the concept of love, and that's... maybe he's talking to much because he forgets to breath, coughing right after into the sleeve of his jacket. it's a small freak out, it's fine, it's fine... he starts to wonder if this is a conversation for another day, but... ) I might squeeze too tight.

( what if he suffocates? )

[ I took one look at that icon and went "why must he be a freak" and then went to read the actual tag

and it's... yeah. Rokkun sits up, drawing one leg to his chest so he can rest his cheek on it and watch Komaeda go through it. It's all things he's heard before, hates hearing, wants so much for Komaeda to stop believing it because none of that is true. Thoughts he has for himself, whose only redeemable quality is persistence in the face of constant insurmountable failure, a trait people call stupid, and desperate, and messy, and... ]

Squeeze as hard as you can, and trust in me that I won't break.

[ All the bones in his body, maybe, as fragile as he's proven them to be. But not his soul that loves. ]

You don't need to "deserve" things, Nagito. It's okay to want and to take.

( where's the trust, where!!

familiar words that he's heard before, chuckling as he manages to look back towards rokkun. )

...Kudo-san told me the same thing when I asked her to write a wish for me.

( one of them belonged to rokkun.

he won't say which because he doesn't remember properly, but it's just a passing thought when he hears rokkun speak like that. well, it's not a shock considering him and chiaki were always with each other at one point of time, but he does hesitate in his actions for a moment. he's registering the other's words, slowly, humming thoughtfully and watches him almost like he doesn't know what to do with him. if he accepts those words, the one's he don't deserve. ) It didn't come true, though.

( though the expression he wears is worried when looking at rokkun, he clears his throat. )

Taking has never worked out for me... ( slow inhales, his chest feels tight, but maybe that's his heart caught in his throat. he doesn't recall ever having one. he does walk over, sitting down just a few steps away so if the other wants to come close, he has to do it himself. ) Your mind, body, soul, heart... everything that makes your hope... I want it all, even if you wind up hating me... you can't give yourself to anyone else, ( he scoffs, disappointed in himself. ) but I lose everything sooner or later.

( if he's meant to be a lasting mark on komaeda's soul, then komaeda can play the same game... they're practically tethered together if he's why rokkun has held on this long. ) If I lose you... will you come back to me like I inevitably do to you?

I always do.

[ Dying, reviving, some years more than once, as if trying to squeeze in as much time as he can in a school year where Komaeda also exists. He scoots a little closer, not to sit side by side, but one in front of the other. ]

If I get lost, come find me. Take me back.

What if... you don't want to come back.

( npckun did say they believe rokkun wouldn't like him at first, which makes things complicated, but maybe that's how rokkun felt when komaeda "arrived" here this year, too. he hums in thought despite the other closer to him, and he leans to the side to look up at him. )

Should I be considerate of that choice?

[ He looks back ]

Why are you asking, when you already know how I feel?

( pinches rokkun's nose. )

It's rhetorical, you know... I'm not considerate.

( which means he'll do what he wants, and that means if rokkun ends up hating him... )

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