yogen | npc contact.2

When it comes to what we saw, everything was important... from start to finish.

( the beginning with darkness and the lights that was meant to guide them, and the fall that placed them in the forest... one thing after the other, whatever made rokkun's dream, to komaeda-arata... that's important. he's incapable of saying it aloud, but being here right now to speak with the other is a show that he's willing for him. )

Some parts are more important than others, but... it's difficult to say them if you do that.

( he takes away his hand from rokkun's cheek, bringing it back to his own lap. )

We're supposed to be speaking to each other, so I want you to look at me... unless I'm that disgusting to you now, then I understand.

You're not!

[ At least the insinuation makes Rokkun lift his head and give Komaeda a kicked puppy look. A guilty look, like he's having trouble admitting he's wrong, because he's so used to being on his own and never having to talk with someone. No about anything important. Not about him and them.

Sitting back, he runs his hand through his hair and huffs in frustration, but it's frustration directed at himself more than Komaeda's insistence that they talk, when he's never asked for this and has spent nearly all the conversations Rokkun remembers refusing to talk about thoughts and feelings and the such. ]

It's just... something I need time to process. And not all at once. When I first opened my eyes here, and that memory was still fresh, all I did was cry for days on end. I can't afford to be that again.

( is holding onto "i can hope, can't i? that someday you'll talk to me." wrong of komaeda-arata as someone who doesn't know how to... place his feelings, or if they'll backfire. what should he say? expose his own memory that he begged for people to not know so that it's something shared between them (well, three other people know of rokkun's past)? it's easy to ignore rokkun's existence, but there are little things that cause the ultimate to sit in place, to wait and see what he can understand — if he has that courage, then maybe there's something about rokkun that'll make him think he won't have to regret every time he's near him — that he's not hurting him. he knows how unfortunate he is, and he knows that he's stumbled upon something that's changed the other's life...

he won't apologize for it, but he can reassure him, and he smiles softly as he lifts both his hands — they're cupping the other's cheeks, holding onto that distressed puppy-like expression. )

...To handle something like this, you have all the time in the world. Even I would have difficulties... though there's something different between then and now.

( the thumb of his organic hand sweeps across his cheek, and komaeda imagines that's what he should do if the other ever cried. he's still like a child, handling the world alone because that's the path he chose, even with every stepping stone set before him... he uses them properly, but who is he exposing his light for? )

Can you tell me what that is?

...Because now, I have you.

[ If this is the wrong answer, he'll fulfill Komaeda's dream of being shoved off the roof to test falling body trajectory ]

( WHY IS HE SO VIOLENT ABOUT HIS FEELINGS?

would saying he has hope complicate this too, or... anyway, it's not like what he says is wrong, but rather he say it than komaed-arata. )

You're allowed to cry right now if you need to, I'll permit it.

[ HE'S EMBARRASSED I'M EMBARRASED FOR HAVING TO WRITE THIS AAAAAA ]

I won't cry...

[ Maybe he'd feel better if he did, but he can't, not in front of somebody else, not when he wants so bad to remember today as being happy just as much as it was frustrating and humiliating and infuriating. ]

( STOPPPPPPP WE CAN EMBARRASS HIM JUST A LIL TREAT FOR US... A SMIDGEN. )

Who are you being brave for? ( who would cry at a time like this, but if rokkun feels the need, if he can have a break from the reality that he lives. ) ...Holding it in will only impede your efforts of moving forward, besides... when was the last time you cried...

( ask komaeda-arata when was the last time he gave genuine, sad tears, and that's been forever — it's asking a lot from rokkun, he knows. )

I'll wipe them away... if you let me.

[ How I have to wait until you and everybody else is asleep to tag this thread back I'm that embarrassed

But yeah... when was the last time Rokkun cried? I know it has to have been in this school year bc I have that one sad icon uploaded but also I'm not looking through 5000+ npc contact tags to find it. ]

Years ago, it feels like.

[ Like the day he died, like the days that followed. He breathes a sigh here, now, though, getting up onto his feet and stretching his arms up over his head, back stiff. ]

But I won't cry today, because I don't need to. I don't feel hopeless enough to need to.

( ? not the timed tags against me and everyone else now. think of how i feel with komaeda-arata... i want him heartless... it's okay i'm embarrassed too, i'm part of the problem... )

What a specific choice of words to say...

( he watches him stand as he remains sitting, eyes up, contemplating what's said, and he wonders if crying is a hopeless matter. he doesn't know, the last time he cried because he was sad... it was always for... hope, even last time before he entered the school.

...

...

everyone cries for different reasons. )

...As long as you haven't given up, then... I'll be able to see how hopeful you can become. Don't let me down, alright?

( ... he looks at his hands, one remembers the warmth of the other's face, and the other just there, but he doesn't dwell on it, and instead sets them on his own legs. )

I haven't and I won't. You'll just have to keep watching me until graduation.

[ And then after that... it's not going to matter anymore, nothing will. The thought of oblivion is sort of nice. ]

( looks up at him...

...

...

looks at the ground...

...

...

turns around with his back facing him to stare at the horizon, and where the sun is placed now in the sky... )

[ You ever feel so tempted to push somebody off the roof but then you remember you're supposed to be watching a sunset together so you sit down again and don't do that ]

( he's watching the sunset... because that's why they're here, but while they're here... )

...Why don't you ever do it? People would like you, probably admire your efforts, thank you, and be grateful for your existence even more.

( he doesn't even look at him, but rokkun should understand... his inner rage that he has. )

What? Cry?

[ That's going to have the opposite effect, actually, he looks at Komaeda like he's crazy ]

...I give you opportunities to kill me, to take your anger out on me, and you always... do this.

( avoid it, change the subject, things like that. )

The sun is nice... what do you think, red would be a nice shade along with it.

I don't need opportunities to kill you.

[ Said in a way that implies he can kill Komaeda at any time of his choosing, or whatever

Komaeda watching the sunset, Rokkun watching him... ]

Also don't look directly at the sun.

Ahaha... How bold, you know I'd make it difficult for you.

( he accepts rokkun's word of advice, and he closes his eyes for the world around him to go completely dark, the sun's shape left behind his eyelids which is still burned into them. it's a subtle color of orange, and little miniature dots that are the make-up of the sun's outline, and then he opens his eyes again... and his eyes... are on the sun again, until he glances to the side to look at the ground. )

...What should I look at then, we're supposed to watch it together? I knew we should have waited for the stars.

[ Komaeda doesn't need a totem to go blind, he can do it himself. Rokkun, on his part, looks out across the campus until it disappears into the forest, shadows softening until it blankets the entire world below them. ]

We can do both.

[ He says, and then frowns a little, like it just now occurred to him that he has to walk through that forest in the dead of night in order to get home. ]

...This is called the "golden hour" in photography. The best time for taking pictures. [ looks over at Komaeda, looks back at the slope of the trees ] Not that either of us have cameras, anyways. I'll remember for the both of us.

Hm? No we don't.

( have to look at the sunset, can watch the stars — they can have one, it's just as beautiful here now as it will be later, but something about watching anything with rokkun is... an experience he thinks too much of as good luck. looking at him warrants that komaeda-arata catches that small frown, and he smiles sheepishly as he looks at him, that expression can be ingrained into his memory when he closes his eyes. )

Also called the "magic hour", which would be just as fitting... Ah! I do have one, ( not on him, but he does... he does. it's just the additional statement that makes him keep his eyes on rokkun and in slight disbelief he's accounting for komaeda-arata to forget later down the line...

...

he will, it'll all slip from his memory sooner or later. )

You make a valid point, Rokkun... ( he will lean up against the other, but not so much considering he's a cripple, but he wants to rest his head on rokkun's shoulder. ) I have a camera with lots of pictures of here, but... where were you?

( i had the most gay thing to say but then i always wondered why komaeda-arata didn't have rokkun pics so i scrapped it. )

[ I feel like asking what you were going to say would be like opening Pandora's Box

But, where was Rokkun, huh? He lets his weight rest against Komaeda so they're propping each other up, staring out into the distance where the pinks and oranges meld into dusty purples and blues, thinking back on all the years he's had.

"Partners in crime" is how he had described their relationship, but that's no longer the case, not if Komaeda keeps forgetting. But even back then... he has to wonder if they were ever friends, when he's never felt so close as he does in this moment. When it's so hard to give himself to somebody who would wake up any day and look at him as if he were a stranger.

But this is his last year. It's the only year that matters, and so... He can have this much. ]

I was right beside you. But with both of us facing forward... you probably never saw me. [ to take pictures, or something ]

( don't worry it can still be said... it's fine it's fine... )

...

( when it's said like that, he can't say that rokkun is wrong — komaeda-arata sees select things and certain people, and he if wqs faced forward, then rokkun could only be seen out his peripheral. )

Who knows... maybe I wanted to be the only person to see you, and that's why you never appeared in any of them.

( ...

that's not the case.

they're all with the white cat, and while komaeda-arata is not opposed to it, he feels like... those nights when he stayed up looking through each picture for a clue, or for what people he knew... why did he never spot rokkun at all? he chuckles softly as a hand rests across his stomach, the colors mesh together nicely before his eyes. )

Hm... when you return home, will you watch the sunset on the first day of your return, and even after? Describe it out loud, ( he closes his eyes, relaxing where he's sitting. ) that makes things easier to remember... even if you forget me when you leave, I hope you at least feel drawn to the sunset...

The sunset, huh...

[ Truthfully, it's not something he's ever paid much attention to. He never really took the time to sit and stare at the sky like this— he was always busy, on the move, having something he needs to do and so this whole... this waiting game, the patience required, it makes him antsy. Staring at the sky even more so, warm colors spread across the sky like a painting. Time crawls to a stop, and he needs the opposite to happen. ]

I wonder. When I get back, I'm going to take my baby brother, and I'm going to run away from home. If we can get somewhere safe... we'll watch the sunset together, and I'll think of you. Of today. I'm not going to forget.

( to go back home, to take his younger sibling and run away, komaeda's mouth parts for a moment until he smiles — that does sound like something he would do, want to do, but is it possible if his sibling is already here? who will he be returning home to? what's there left waiting for him when he wakes up. the vast sea of colors before them, the way the sun hides behind the scenery as it inches away slowly, and komaeda wonders if this is how he wants to be reminded.

no, it's more so that... maybe there's some good left in the appearance of a sunset that turns to darkness, that he can find hope in living to the next day to see the sunset again, and again... )

Is hope your family?

( he asks, curious enough that if this is also part of everything then maybe it won't feel wrong to do what he can, stick his nose into affairs that have nothing to do with him... sometimes it feels like they do, but maybe it's that feeling deep inside that makes him want to be part of something... he doesn't know, it's hard to work out, but he has always been helpful towards this one thing in particular. )

But before you answer that... you said we made a promise a long time ago... has it been met?

[ If hope is defined as something that keeps you going... then maybe it would be family. For as much as he talks about graduation, it's only a means to a cause, and the end goal was always to go back to how things were before everything went to shit. He would test into a good high school, get into a good college, raise a kid, he could do it, he knows he's more than capable, because you always try that much harder when it's for somebody other than yourself.

Even if he didn't know their name or face... "It doesn't matter," he had said. You can still love somebody you don't remember. He looks over at Komaeda, looks back out to the horizon, and is sure of this. ]

...Not yet. It was a stupid promise I made you agree to, and I don't think you would promise me again, as you are now. It's fine now, though... We can forget about it, if you want, like we never made it in the first place.

( "raise a kid" thinks about how he was such a good father to the rat, and tears up at work... i want older rokkun to have the best family. anyway, hope is almost like stuff of one's imagination, it seems unreachable but as long as they have hope... it can be obtained, using every hurdle that comes before him as a means of not letting it stop him... hope pushes, spite drives, something of that effect.

rokkun talks so much about family, and komaeda doesn't understand it because everyone is dead to him. he doesn't care for his real family, and he finds something in what abstract of a family he has now... he probably can't call it family, because he doesn't know what he has. )

You're an idiot... ( sighs wistfully ) I never understood how you can be so reluctant... are you scared of me? ( besides, komaeda's memory isn't the best, and maybe if he had someone to remember for him... all the good times, bad times, someone to remind him so he could make maybe the same expression the first time when he remembers it... but people must like his faults, work off it. )

It's just us, and it'll stay that way... ( made him? what promise is it that komaeda can't do now, marry him when he gets older?? what's going on in his head. ) ...I don't want to forget about it, you know my memory, if it's about you... I want to remember.

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