yogen | npc contact.2

Are you saying everyone else around you lacks that?

( it's one thing, but aren't they all things npckun has mentioned that other people have given them, which doesn't make subaru anywhere close to being special. komaeda may be a romantic, and while he doesn't understand love properly, he does have this warped idea of it, and so him the definition here doesn't bring about a compelling relationship. it's not like he's on subaru's side, he's just a little more serious about it as he stares at the paper to connect their dots.

he could have skipped a few spaces to see if the other would follow again. )

It's all physical, you know? That means nothing when the body can corrode, can waste... can lose feeling, can no longer move, will you no longer care when that happens...

[ It's almost like second nature, tagging along at somebody's heels.

... ]

Are you asking me if quadriplegics are capable of love?

[ THEY WOULD LIKE TO THINK SO
like... they'll be very very sad if they're never able to feel hugs ever again, but it can't be everything if it's just somebody's presence that makes them calm and content, if even imagining them there when it gets too quiet and lonely. ]

I'm asking if you're taking this seriously, or if you're doing this because it's in the moment... such affections are fleeting, people tend to grow bored.

( not that komaeda knows, he's never grown bored of what he's loved — rather, he's a passive aggressive mess, this is why he was mean to hinata for a few months because he was not the man who grabbed his hand when he woke up. )

...Ah, you don't even just like him, has it evolved into love?

( trouble, trouble... and then he flips the paper over, and proceeds to write something off the top of his memory because everyone gets a deep quote to ponder over:

"have you ever been in love? horrible isn't it? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. you build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...you give them a piece of you. they didn't ask for it. they did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. it hurts. not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. it's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. i hate love." )

[ okay, fine, brief pause in dots and boxes while they lean over and read, cheek pressed up against Komaeda's arm while they... while he...

...

...it's true, though. It's like reading their own thoughts of barely a month or two ago, wary and scared and it wasn't just a suit of armor that they wore to protect themselves, it was a castle and a moat and archers in the towers and an entire army at the center reminding them not to let anybody in. Because the last person they loved, he left and tore down the walls in his departure, and it took so long to build that back up, stone by stone. It had hurt and this is going to hurt and it already has hurt— it's that hurt when Amami disappeared for all those weeks and searched the school again and again and again trying to find him, that hurt whenever Komaeda talks about dying or giving up a part of himself or when he leaves them alone for more than ten minutes, that hurt when Subaru plays pranks on them and they get mad and when they're mad they cry and get mean and he's going to hate them he's going to leave he won't even want to be friends anymore and it's going to hurt so much if he leaves because without his light it's going to be cold and dark and silent and there's not going to be anything left inside and

they tear their eyes away from the paper to duck under Komaeda's arm and bury their face against his side instead. ]

( does he feel bad? no, komaeda never feels bad, but he has a feeling he knows what's going on in npckun's mind as they read, how their face shifts, the expression they wear, and then how they go to hide in komaeda's side as if the truth isn't there written on the paper. lightly, he taps the end of the pencil against the paper, but he doesn't turn to look at them, nor does he wrap his arm to comfort them either, and instead he allows them to latch. truthfully, komaeda has been in love, he has loved himself — he fell in love with hope that fated night on the school's campus, he fell for someone he didn't know, but the amount of hope that overflowed from them — how he was born for the sake of meeting that specific person. it was before the touch, before the bullet, just feeling that they were the one, it's a sort of love that could be written off as love at first sight.

...

komaeda's never felt that before, so that warm feeling that wrapped over him like a blanket, to be in their blinding radiance, it was at that moment he gave himself to another, even if they didn't realize it. it was a love that komaeda would give everything for, even his life, that's the sort of love that he expects. it doesn't hurt, no, not to him because he's a masochist for it, and so the pain continues pushing him forward, because there's nothing wrong with unrequited, there's nothing wrong with loving and the other doesn't love you back — there's a strength in that, that sort of commitment is beyond the words he wrote on this paper, but npckun is scared, they must not be able to live a life where they love, and that love isn't returned, because they want to be loved. love me, love you, love them. it's always been about them doing their best to be loved, they crave it, they'll fit any personality to have it.

they shouldn't have to do that for this, not for love they desire just from anyone. )

What's wrong, are you afraid of love, now?

( even as he says that, he flips the dots and boxes paper back over to lean against npckun so they can hide even more. it's funny, komaeda thinks about love, and he wonders where he's misplaced his... and thinking about it makes him bite his tongue, he pauses, thinking of how to proceed. )

Can you stomach if this love isn't the ideal, that there's consequences that may come from it? Are you prepared, because throwing yourself in without thought... not just anyone can save you, not even him. Only you can save you.

[ It wasn't as if it was without thought, and it's not like they don't have that voice in the back of their mind now, telling them that it'll be okay, if only because they're slated to disappear in a couple month's time and for them to have the confidence they're not going to screw it up so badly that they'll get dumped in that short amount of time. They'll do everything they can to keep that love alive. They're very good at that.

When they lift their face from Komaeda's side, their eyes are dry, downcast.

... ]

He won't dare break my heart. I told him already, I'll super mad if he does.

[ And nobody wants to see them mad /: they cry when they're mad, and nobody wants to deal with that ]

I'm not really thinking about him.

( he won't break their heart? fine, then what of his heart, will npckun break it instead? or will they dash that gold over something previously broken, but shines so that people focus on the outside than the inside? komaeda cares, and he worries, he isn't able to wipe away those feelings because they're a part of him — all he can do is watch people from behind a glass window, and when he reaches out, that invisible barrier stops him. )

Will you be mad at yourself?

( maybe he shouldn't appear so... empty about it, but he leans up against them with a small sigh. )

I don't want you to like, or love like normal people... I want you to like, and love that's stronger than what people normally give. Do you know what love is also like?

[ Will npckun break Subaru's heart?

...

Most definitely, they think, in the end. But they're going to try very hard not to. ]

I know what love is like... I loved Aniki.

[ So much so, that they chased his shadow years after he was already dead. Chased him all the way here, died so they could reach him. It's a different sort of love, one that borderlines obsession, but love is love. ]

Loved?

( what happened to loving him as of now, oh, that's something, but he doesn't comment. instead, he leans back against whatever's behind him now, removing his weight off npckun. )

Akehoshi-kun isn't "Aniki", he's someone entirely different... that love is different.

( but that love is also the same love, that want to be with a person, but this hits a different level, this isn't something that can be compared to their brotherly love. then again, komaeda can't tell what they like or what they love when it comes to subaru in general — an affectionately starved idiot who only chased after npckun because of a mere touch and that they were cute, there was no actual strong feelings behind it other than "notice me," a sad... start. )

Unless you like Akehoshi-kun... then that's also something else. I just want to know if you're sure about... this choice.

[ ... ]

I like him.

[ It's fine... Even if it turns out to be a passionate heat-of-the-moment that'll get snuffed out at a moment's notice, they only have this moment in time left now anyways, so they're going to do what they want, take what they want, love who they want. ]

I love him. Don't tell me I'm wrong.

It's not wrong to.

( it's never been wrong to love, npckun can love someone as basic, someone as generic, lack of talent that subaru akehoshi is, because they're all in the same pool — it's like how ultimates and ultimates can be together, the same goes for those who aren't ultimates. )

You only have so much time, so I understand wanting somebody's love before it's too late.

( lifting his organic hand, he stares at the lines as a normal response to his words, just so he can see this, and not see the expression on npckun's face. )

[ npckun stares at Komaeda's hand too

then does why my dog does which is physically insert themselves between Komaeda's face and his hand, look at them instead ]

Are you jealous?

Ahaha, nope, I don't understand the concept of jealousy... ( well, when it comes to ultimate's it's full throttle. ) Instead, you can say I'm worried about you.

( kisses npckun's forehead. )

If you hurt yourself, you'll recede into your shell, you'll regret... Your strength was to act alone, but now you have others... if you return to such a solitary life, you'll die alone...

( oh, maybe he is jealous, he wants to die too. )

[ ...oh

npckun looks up at him ]

Wait, do that again.

( oh, he gets it. )

Ahaha, nope, I don't understand the concept of jealousy... ( repeats himself ) Instead, you can say I'm worried about you.

If you hurt yourself, you'll recede into your shell, you'll regret... Your strength was to act alone, but now you have others... if you return to such a solitary life, you'll die alone...

( he sounds proud actually when he says this. )

[ wha- ]

No!! I mean kiss me again so I don't get hurt and recede and return to a solitary life and die alone!

That's what you meant...

( aratas are so obsessed with kisses... )

Close your eyes.

[ npckun obediently closes their eyes and stands a little taller in anticipation, do NOT run away ]

( stares at them closing their eyes, and he could run, HE COULD, but he stays where he is...

kisses their forehead, ruffles hair...

combination. )

[ no............... not how this turned out cute despite my apprehensions

npckun still jumps a little when Komaeda touches the top of their head, but it doesn't happen with the forehead kiss and they keep their eyes closed after because you're not supposed to open your eyes unless the other person says so and they look sooooooo happy, like they've forgotten whatever they had wanted to talk about, that doesn't matter anymore, they're winning ]

( where's the faith in him.........................

they jump, but komaeda keeps his hand there, thinking he can probably ease them into it if he does this. everything little touch on the head, komaeda will press a kiss on their forehead — that's how wholesome conditioning works. )

What are you smiling like that for?

( he teases, even though he wears a smile himself, that doesn't mean he's any less worried. )

[ wholesome conditioning... gotta wholesome condition myself to write cute threads without the growing apprehension ]

Because my hope isn't up there, so that means you're kissing me! That means you love me!

[ Them!! Not their hope!! That they harbor! ]

( yes... komaeda is being good, he's terrorizing others.... so your npcs are free for awhile... cute threads!! )

...? You still don't get it, but it's fine... you'll learn sooner or later.

( because komaeda's body is trash, so whatever it does doesn't matter as long as it dies for hope. )

To write that sort of narration on me... don't you think it's unfair. Now, do you want to see something interesting?

It's not unfair because it's the truth.

[ npckun said it and so it must be right. ]

What is it?

Akehoshi-kun is asking for advice on how to date you, do you want to see?

( cat's out of the bag... )

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject