yogen | npc contact.2

( is this in a komaeda pov or a nms pov, because if it's my pov... i think being stuck in this school for god knows how long would wear on me that i'd drop out, actually. no wonder he's so knowledgeable. )

Following your death and arrival here... would that count to your total, or did they only start once you adjusted to this lifestyle?

( aiko okane's tallies were forced into her skin, and if it takes the first death to find themselves in this purgatory, and she had none when komaeda met her... does that mean it all starts once they enter here?

is rokkun still holding his wrist, because komaeda's going to move his hand so that he can hold the other's own, fingers entwined. )

I've told you before... I've wanted to know the meaning behind each and every one, so tell me... how many times have you gave your last breath.

[ He's quiet at that question he's just going to take as a rhetorical question, staring down at their hands, because does it really matter for somebody like him, who bears so many marks they blur into one another? Too many to count, to many to recount, as to be tedious if he were to explain each and every one.

If it's just deaths, though... He looks back up and locks eyes with Komaeda.

Okay, so I had done some sort of math back in July that was numbers scribbled on the margins with no explanation, so we're both just going to have to trust July Ori on this: ]

3,689.

...

( part of me was literally going to make komaeda spit blood on this man, like literally just spit, but then i was like... i started laughing. )

...

( let komaeda look down at the ground, and rub his forehead with his mechanical one, fingers now going through his hair... is he stressed or thinking? )

...

( now he's looking at his own arm. )

That's unfair... I want 3,689...

( he wants the death. )

[ He could still do it ]

You really don't.

[ Held hands get lifted, just something to distract from death wishes, and he presses the back of his hand to Komaeda's cheek. ]

What's wrong? You're fidgety.

( make him nauseous and i will. )

Your memory, or your dream... was just a taste of death, but it's something more... I understand. A long time ago...

( touching komaeda's cheek is just admitting the usual, his face is cold, and it doesn't take much for him to finally lift his eyes to look at rokkun's own, or attempt to smack his hand away. )

You said I was there with you in a few of those tallies... was I the cause of your death then, too?

( how does he die so much and is here? what the hell sort of dreams he be having? what in the boulevard of broken dreams... )

[ yeah, what the hell, right? ]

Were you worried about that? You weren't the cause of my deaths, you were just there. It's not like being there is why I died.

[ He can make his own bad decisions, thank you ]

Bold of you to believe I'm worried about that, I want to die.

( he sighs, now smacking away rokkun's hand, it's so unfair he can die like 3k times, and komaeda hasn't had any dreams where he dies and gains lots of tallies! )

To die once, and appear here, and then gain these tallies for what... to suffer knowing that absolute death is beyond our grasp? And then the hope here... it's lacking, I have so much work to do... ( deep breath. ) How many years has it been, Rokkun, to die that many times, to die roughly around the age of fifteen? Then to look around... the age of what... eighteen? You've been here for a long time, haven't you?

( he's always said "awhile," this and "awhile," that. )

[ Maybe if Komaeda-Arata got more sleep, he'd dream more about dying and tallies ]

Yeah... It's been a while. I'm still seventeen, though.

[ how I had to check my own plurk to learn that I chose 11/6 as his birthday, it's in my yogen notes now ]

( maybe if rokkun would give komaeda-arata nightmares. )

...You're what? ( stop, it's been so long, thought he was eighteen... wait. )

Huh? Your birthday passed, how are you still seventeen... in this timeline.

( he's going to reach out and pinch rokkun's cheek to make sure he's right there. ) Is this all a dream?

It's not—- stop-

[ He scrunches his nose at the cheek pinching and pulls away, but wait, oh, his birthday needs to be in June or he'll have to give his geode back, he can't do that, he came here without his rock collection so he has to gather them all over again ]

Maybe I'm just getting old, losing track of ages.

[ He's eighteen. Yes. ]

Are you sure this isn't a dream? I don't have as many tallies as you, but... if I sleep, will I wake up to more of them one day?

( you know, he's been here for a long time, even longer if he lets rokkun tell their story, but it's weird... how can he go into the family meeting like ya'll... we get tallies from dying in our sleep, like inception. )

...Maybe I'm not really 23, hm.

[ There's a shrug, because maybe somebody stabs you in your sleep and the next time you open your eyes you have another tally, it's possible. ]

As long as I have to be here, this is living, and this is my life.

You're living for your family, to be correct.

( he isn't really living for this place, or from what komaeda-arata can tell when he talks to rokkun, the way he wants to leave and graduate, but... )

...Which can be regarded as your hope. Talking about that... ( he looks up at the other, before crossing his arms. ) You believe me when I say that I met your family, now? Considering you have your memories back.

( ... )

Shall I tell Sakasaki-kun, Adams-san, and Hinata-kun that you don't remember anything, they'll come to question you next... maybe.

[ He doesn't look entirely convinced, like he believes Komaeda and them had seen and experienced him die 2348903445904 times, but meeting family... that wasn't part of the memory he locked away, it never happened for him and it never will. The what-ifs of it all just make him feel... ... ...it's a complicated feeling. ]

You can tell them I remember what happened to me, and that I'm fine.

[ They should have nothing more to ask after that. They'll have their confirmation of what they saw being a memory, and know that he will deal with it and doesn't need checking up on. ]

Are you...

( is he is what komaeda-arata wants to ask, emphasize if rokkun's fine, but he could be saying that to brush him off. it's not like he hasn't done the same to hide what he's feeling, but for the other to do it, and act as if it's easy to smooth over. he likes to think that looking at the other like this might be telling, but what does komaeda-arata know? he shouldn't even be having this conversation because it's not his place. )

Is there anything you want to know... you opened up new possibilities, but that doesn't mean you can't use me for what you need.

[ Is he... he'd say he is either way, because either he's fine or he will be fine and there's no difference, even if he can't look Komaeda in the eyes and confirm.

He'll be fine, stubbornly looking towards the future like he always does, no patience for what ifs because otherwise he has to face that looming what if he doesn't graduate. ]

...No. If there's anything important, you can tell me. I don't know how you guys did what you did, but it's done.

When it comes to what we saw, everything was important... from start to finish.

( the beginning with darkness and the lights that was meant to guide them, and the fall that placed them in the forest... one thing after the other, whatever made rokkun's dream, to komaeda-arata... that's important. he's incapable of saying it aloud, but being here right now to speak with the other is a show that he's willing for him. )

Some parts are more important than others, but... it's difficult to say them if you do that.

( he takes away his hand from rokkun's cheek, bringing it back to his own lap. )

We're supposed to be speaking to each other, so I want you to look at me... unless I'm that disgusting to you now, then I understand.

You're not!

[ At least the insinuation makes Rokkun lift his head and give Komaeda a kicked puppy look. A guilty look, like he's having trouble admitting he's wrong, because he's so used to being on his own and never having to talk with someone. No about anything important. Not about him and them.

Sitting back, he runs his hand through his hair and huffs in frustration, but it's frustration directed at himself more than Komaeda's insistence that they talk, when he's never asked for this and has spent nearly all the conversations Rokkun remembers refusing to talk about thoughts and feelings and the such. ]

It's just... something I need time to process. And not all at once. When I first opened my eyes here, and that memory was still fresh, all I did was cry for days on end. I can't afford to be that again.

( is holding onto "i can hope, can't i? that someday you'll talk to me." wrong of komaeda-arata as someone who doesn't know how to... place his feelings, or if they'll backfire. what should he say? expose his own memory that he begged for people to not know so that it's something shared between them (well, three other people know of rokkun's past)? it's easy to ignore rokkun's existence, but there are little things that cause the ultimate to sit in place, to wait and see what he can understand — if he has that courage, then maybe there's something about rokkun that'll make him think he won't have to regret every time he's near him — that he's not hurting him. he knows how unfortunate he is, and he knows that he's stumbled upon something that's changed the other's life...

he won't apologize for it, but he can reassure him, and he smiles softly as he lifts both his hands — they're cupping the other's cheeks, holding onto that distressed puppy-like expression. )

...To handle something like this, you have all the time in the world. Even I would have difficulties... though there's something different between then and now.

( the thumb of his organic hand sweeps across his cheek, and komaeda imagines that's what he should do if the other ever cried. he's still like a child, handling the world alone because that's the path he chose, even with every stepping stone set before him... he uses them properly, but who is he exposing his light for? )

Can you tell me what that is?

...Because now, I have you.

[ If this is the wrong answer, he'll fulfill Komaeda's dream of being shoved off the roof to test falling body trajectory ]

( WHY IS HE SO VIOLENT ABOUT HIS FEELINGS?

would saying he has hope complicate this too, or... anyway, it's not like what he says is wrong, but rather he say it than komaed-arata. )

You're allowed to cry right now if you need to, I'll permit it.

[ HE'S EMBARRASSED I'M EMBARRASED FOR HAVING TO WRITE THIS AAAAAA ]

I won't cry...

[ Maybe he'd feel better if he did, but he can't, not in front of somebody else, not when he wants so bad to remember today as being happy just as much as it was frustrating and humiliating and infuriating. ]

( STOPPPPPPP WE CAN EMBARRASS HIM JUST A LIL TREAT FOR US... A SMIDGEN. )

Who are you being brave for? ( who would cry at a time like this, but if rokkun feels the need, if he can have a break from the reality that he lives. ) ...Holding it in will only impede your efforts of moving forward, besides... when was the last time you cried...

( ask komaeda-arata when was the last time he gave genuine, sad tears, and that's been forever — it's asking a lot from rokkun, he knows. )

I'll wipe them away... if you let me.

[ How I have to wait until you and everybody else is asleep to tag this thread back I'm that embarrassed

But yeah... when was the last time Rokkun cried? I know it has to have been in this school year bc I have that one sad icon uploaded but also I'm not looking through 5000+ npc contact tags to find it. ]

Years ago, it feels like.

[ Like the day he died, like the days that followed. He breathes a sigh here, now, though, getting up onto his feet and stretching his arms up over his head, back stiff. ]

But I won't cry today, because I don't need to. I don't feel hopeless enough to need to.

( ? not the timed tags against me and everyone else now. think of how i feel with komaeda-arata... i want him heartless... it's okay i'm embarrassed too, i'm part of the problem... )

What a specific choice of words to say...

( he watches him stand as he remains sitting, eyes up, contemplating what's said, and he wonders if crying is a hopeless matter. he doesn't know, the last time he cried because he was sad... it was always for... hope, even last time before he entered the school.

...

...

everyone cries for different reasons. )

...As long as you haven't given up, then... I'll be able to see how hopeful you can become. Don't let me down, alright?

( ... he looks at his hands, one remembers the warmth of the other's face, and the other just there, but he doesn't dwell on it, and instead sets them on his own legs. )

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i forgot i had other threads w you and i have to suffer too

STOPPPPP IM TEARING UP THIS IS AN ATTACK ON ME

PLEASE YOU HAVE TO WIN TIC TAC TOE

STOP IM THE TIC TAC TOE KING DONT WORK *feels like imma fail it*

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STOP IM THE TIC TAC TOE KING DONT WORK feels like imma fail it